AIBU to disown DD and not attend wedding

[Downnotout]

Long thread on teenagers but....
She is 18 . Has known him less than 4 months. Wedding is set for 19th Dec.
She said she was pregnant, then she wasn't.
AIBU to say she is a bloody fool and want nothing to do with it?

Having read just the OP my first reaction was that of course you have to go. However, having read your other thread I can totally understand why you don't want to go.
Assuming there is actually a wedding (unconvinced there will be) then I think you should go. Put on a nice dress and paint on as happy as possible face. I think that you need to do this for your own benefit as much as your daughter's. I'd hate to think of you sitting there in 10 years time wondering what if and beating yourself up about it.
Downnotout from what I've read you've done your absolute best by your daughter. Clearly she needs some help but to be honest I don't think it's help you can give. She needs to work that out for herself though. Good luck x

Good advice fuzzywood. Thank you.

I have read your other thread OP, and sympathised with you, as my DD was similar to yours in many ways.
I also think that you should go to the wedding (should it happen).
Tho of course do not pay for it, and if she comes out with 'but its tradition that the brides Parents pay', just laugh and tell her how quaint and old fashioned she is.

My DD also married at 18, he was 32, and they had known each other just a few months, she was very happy playing 'wifey' for a short while, then after 18 months she left him because she was 'bored'.
Shame really as he was a nice, hard working guy, and was very good to her.

So yes, go to the weddding and buy yourself a huge hat, and wear the biggest corsage. Its quite fun being 'Mother of the bride'.

Have they actually booked the wedding, given notice/banns etc?

If it does go ahead I think you have to go but I really do think this will all end in tears!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes has a very good idea. Get them both to buy into the idea of a wedding WHEN SHE IS DONE WITH THE COURSE. Then you can safely wave them off into the sunset knowing that you have done your bit to secure their future.

Id also speak to your DD about whether she is struggling with the course work and looking for an "out", and what she hoped to achieve by faking a pregnancy.

Can you chat to the young man - see for yourself how he feels about it all? Maybe have a family meeting and discuss the logistics - the money owed on Y1 of course, the rent that has to be paid up front. Offer moral support but not financial for the wedding, make it clear that your preferred option is for her to wait 18 months until the course is complete. But ultimately, its her choice.

Once she is wed, I would withdraw your financial support - mobile contract, housing, allowance etc. In fact, Id be tempted to do that now, as she is going to be moving in with her bf and therefore will not need you - and you can then save a bit towards recouping costs of accomodation and course fees if she decides not to continue.

A short sharp shock of reality - having to work in a crappy job just to put food on the table and top up your phone - might be just what she needs.

I would try and establish why she is set on sabotaging her future though...maybe the reality of college has really scared her. The realities of uni and the volume of work, the dicipline needed to schedule and plan your own work, the difficulty of what you have to study. All these things could be causing a wobble, and making her want to run to the security and stability she knows - a married couple with a home of their own. But without mum and dad!

I doubt she would ask us to contribute seeing as she is leaving us with £1000s of pounds wasted bills to pay.

Three and a half weeks til the wedding doesn't really give any chance to get our heads round this or any cooling off period.

I wouldn't be too sure that she is not expecting you to pay. Just going on what you have said about the past and her rather blase attitude to all the costs you have incurred on this course. Who is she expecting to pay for everything then? - This young man won't have lots of money, his parents will not be keen to pay for the wedding they don't want.

It will need to be fairly low-key by the sounds of it.

you know , if she had the choice between renting a room and working full-time to earn her keep and save towards say half of the wedding costs whilst boyfriend is in Afghanistan or completing her course in that time...?

Grit your teeth, hold your tongue & go - yes she's being an idiot, but shes very young - perhaps young enough that if she actually had your approval, she wouldn't marrying him at all

Either way its an age where daft decisions are par for the course, don't disown her over this, chances are she's going to need you & it would be awful if she felt she couldn't turn to you when that time comes, for fear of you saying - "I told you so"

if you don't go, its not something she will easily forgive & certainly not something she will forget - if you don't get an invite, ring, write or even text her your best wishes for her happiness - you don't have to lie, just say you will be thinking of her & wish her every happiness

FWIW - my own Mum didn't come to my wedding either - though a whole different story as I was much older & new what I wanted - she also made such a fuss that she stopped my Dad & brother coming too & made me feel unable to invite other family members for fear of it causing a massive family rift - we didn't speak for years - we do speak now, but its very different to how it used to be & though I've forgiven her a lot of things, I've never forgiven, nor will I ever forget her doing that :(

OP: Did you read my post about contacting the boyfriend's mum, the banns etc.?

Not entirely sure that she's even going to invite you, Downnotout - which may cut your dilemma out completely but would be very hurtful!

Despite everything I would go. I really would. Show her that you are still her mum, you still love her despite her abysmal attitude and current behaviour. Because as others have said, she may need your help later - and if anything were to go massively wrong, you'd want her to be able to ask for your help (whether or not you chose to give it is another matter but at least you'd know she could ask).

My sister was another who got engaged at 17, 5 weeks after starting to see her bf; my parents of course disapproved massively and refused to countenance the engagement but said if she still wanted the same 6m later, then they would accept it. 6m later, my sis was determined to still become engaged to the utter tosser and loser bloke so my parents reluctantly went along with it. As time went on, my sis realised that she had made a colossal error (part of this might have come from the fact she had to buy her own ring!) but didn't know how to get out of it without losing face - so she stayed with him. Until he two-timed her (thank GOD!) and she could break it off. She confessed to me later that she was so grateful to have been given a get-out card, she had realised it wasn't him she wanted to be with but really couldn't give my Mum the satisfaction of being Right (Mum would surely have rubbed it in as well).

So - lucky escape for her. Your DD may or may not actually get married in 3w time - somehow I doubt it! - but if she does, just play along and play nice so that if/when it does go all tits up, she knows she can still turn to you.

Yes lemony lemon. I will speak to her again.

I know a friend who met and married her man within 6 months or so of meeting him. She was late teens too. parents opposed said they were too young / didn't know each other well enough etc...

Twenty years on they're still happily married.

Whilst the statistics say this is unlikely to be your DD, what if it is and you miss her only wedding? Are you happy taking that risk? I wouldn't be. Go, just in case it does turn out to be the real thing. Otherwise you will be reminded of it forever and a day.

My parents got engaged after 2 weeks (my mum was 15). Married 30 years this year. Their parents tried to ruin their wedding. They regretted it til the day they died.

My mum and dad did this. First they were going along with it then they rang up and said they didnt agree so we ran off and got married. They were fine after that and I told them a couple of weeks before and she said she knew we would do it anyway and if thats what I wanted it was ok.

He was 19 and I was just turned 20 and that was 7 and a half years ago. I do think my dad deeply regrets it though as he talks about walking me down aisle etc They could of done it if they werent being moody

I wonder if a soldier still needs CO's permission to marry, and if he's got it?

piglet we were both forces and we didnt need permission to marry. I dont think you do teen weddings are seen as normal in forces

How are you doing today?

I think you go, smile, be supportive and wait for the next drama

OP you have my deepest sympathy ,it is incredibly hard to watch your child make huge mistakes ,isnt it .
However for your peace of mind and sanity ,i think the best course of action for you to take is to turn into motherofthebridezilla . Start off by buying every wedding magazine you can lay you hands on , go through them and choose the most hideous and tacky of eveything , even better get people on mumsnet to find stuff on the internet ,which you can them email her with . Say things like ,'i know i wasnt sure at first ,but i am just so excited about co-ordinating the page boy waistcoats with the ribbons on the horse drawn cart ' OR ' brendas auntie dierdrie says she will crocht you a wedding dress if you like , she can do a set of matching wedding lingerie too' etc etc. It is going to be hard to do without breaking into fits of uncontrollable and slightly hysterical laughter , but it should keep your spirits up . And then sit back and wait for her to change her mind

All you can do when you have children is express your view, then be as supportive as possible, children don't come with a manual.

Children need their parents they don't think so sometimes but they do.

Let her know no matter what you are there for her and take a step back to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.

She is your daughter and she is only 18. Yes, she is (probably) making a terrible mistake, but who knows....? Anyway, there a far, far worse things she could do than end up with a short-lived marriage on her record (like having a baby too soon for a start.) Make up with her, go to the wedding, wish her well, and be there to wipe her tears when it goes wrong. And when you get to say 'I told you so' a couple of years down the road, do it with compassion and love, and no hard feelings.

OP what a horrible situation for everyone here actually. I've read your other posts and tbh, with everything else you have been through this is the lesser of many evils. I doubt whether she will actually get married, but even if she does it will not have the impact on her life that any of her other recent antics would have done.

Does her bf realise she isn't pregnant? I wasn't sure from your posts, if she is manipulating him into this just to avoid her course then that puts a whole different perspective on this as you are in a very difficult position. Would it be possible to speak to the bf's mother? Even to the appropriate army welfare person in confidence?

As to your original question, you sound exhausted. Given the back story, there is absolutely no point in your not going to this wedding if it does take place, not just for your misguided DD's sake but because it will backfire on your spectacularly. So smile, show her that you are there for her and go.

Hey OP what's the latest? I was a bit of a wayward daughter, sometimes made things up etc...but only you will have the antennae to know if this is real or not.

If not, it's a cry for help. She needs you.

If it is, she's in all sorts of pooh, and needs you.

Either way, it's deep breath and smile time, I'm afraid - but that doesn't mean deep pocket time.

PigletJohn: the Army does still (sort of) expect a permission to marry letter, but it's a quaint formality as I do not think permission can be withheld.

It might however be worth investigating if there is a military angle to this. Soldiers can only apply for married quarters if they are married/CPed or have children who live with them much of the time. Are they expecting a place to live together as the upshot of this? Also, is is going to be posted to Afghanistan? That tends to focus the mind a bit too.

Can you meet them together (possibly with his parents too) to talk through all the angles? And ensure he knows she is not (currently) pregnant?

I echo the posters that, if you can secure an invitation, you should go to the wedding. She may need you in future, and the less of an open breach the better.

(But, like the poster above, I'd be tempted to wear black, though I hope I'd think the better of that on the day).

I know you are angry and upset by all of this, but please think very carefully before you disown your teenaged daughter.