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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to disown DD and not attend wedding

131 replies

Downnotout · 24/11/2011 22:36

Long thread on teenagers but....
She is 18 . Has known him less than 4 months. Wedding is set for 19th Dec.
She said she was pregnant, then she wasn't.
AIBU to say she is a bloody fool and want nothing to do with it?

OP posts:
cory · 25/11/2011 07:44

Having read the other thread, I can fully understand how difficult it will be for you to attend: given the number of lies she has told you about the whole situation, you must be wondering about how many lies she has told her fiance and whether he is in some way being conned into this marriage.

I'd still go and go through the motions though; that way you haven't lost anything if one day you do need to be there for either of them.

scottishmummy · 25/11/2011 07:46

what a tumultuous time
hope you don't mind me asking but is your daughter experiencing any mental health/stress issues? is there a background of impulsivity?

I suppose be calm and clear you have reservations,keep it cordial and attend
if it becomes fraught make a discreet exit

pigletmania · 25/11/2011 07:46

YANBU at all. Can't you extend an olive branch, and meet for a chat with her, and also meet with her new boyfriend. You cannot disown her, she is only young and foolish, I was at that age and I am Shock of the risks I took which I would never dream of now being 34. I thought that at 17, I knew it all, and my mum was being and interferring bat telling me what to do. Now I know how right she was, and being a mum now myself has cemented that really. You will be there to pick up the pieces, thats because you are her mum and thats what mums do.

Megatron · 25/11/2011 07:56

YABU. I totally understand that you are upset but please do not disown your daughter, she hasn't killed anyone.

I got married at 19 after knowing my boyfriend for 6 months. My parents were absolutely devastated but came to the wedding and welcomed my new DH into the family. When it went wrong, they were there to pick up the pieces and help me rebuild my life. I had a conversation with my mum about it at the time and she said that they had to make a decision based on whether they still wanted to be part of my life or not, which of course they did. They knew I would go ahead and do what I wanted regardless, but didn't want to lose their daughter.

ErnesttheBavarian · 25/11/2011 08:02

Have you met and spoken face to face re the wedding with his mum? Maybe you could approach it more like sitting down, both sets of parents with him and her, helping them outline bare bones plans for the wedding and discuss finances like roughly the approximate costs of rings, wedding dress, cars, flowers, reception if any, plus post wedding normality ike joint earnings, rent, living expenses.

Maybe if you have such a convo it gives the message you accept it and take it seriously and are there to help and support her and be practical. But in actual fact, the bf, and possibly her, get a glimpse of reality, the costs, the money they don't have, the seriousness of the situation and re- think.

I dunno if things are too strained to even manage this type of convo. I haven't read your other thread. But i feel your desperation and frustration. I would be totally beside myself. But my limited experience (eldest is only 12) i know he is stubborn and will do the opposite of what i want and say, even if he has changed his mind, he won't change his actions if I say anything. ( eg currently having battle over wearing coat. It's -5* when he's heading out to school in a bloody fleece. I stupidly decided to engage. Now i'm sure he has reconsidered, but because i made a big deal of it he will not under and circs wear the bloody coat.) I must learn to shut up and take a step back while it's still small problems. I don't envy you your much more grown up, life impacting problems.

While some posters are more or less sympathetic than others, and some know the background and others don't, nevertheless, the overwhelming response is that you should go, be supportive and be there to help her if it doesn't work out. Good luck.

scotsgirl23 · 25/11/2011 08:48

I got engaged at 18, married at 20. Now 25 and still going strong, with a lovely little girl too.

My mum and I have a troubled relationship - I suspect she has NPD - but for various reasons, she didn't go to my wedding. There are a lot of things I have been able to forgive/forget, but that isn't one of them. Every time I look at my wedding photos, she isn't there. And people remember, 5 years on, and still comment about it.

I haven't read all the back story but please, go. I know it seems unlikely but what if they do, somehow, work out and stay together? My DH's family strongly disapproved (for their own weird reasons) but they at least came, and as time has gone on it has been a lot easier to build bridges with them whereas my mum not going felt like such a definite rejection of my right to create my own family that I find it very hard to have her as a part of it now.

foolserrand · 25/11/2011 08:59

Downnotout, wow your ds is really putting you through it at the moment, isn't she? I don't think ywbu with any action you choose to take now. Preserve yourself and your sanity so you can help when she is willing to listen to sense.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

foolserrand · 25/11/2011 09:01

Dd, sorry autocorrect.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 25/11/2011 09:03

YABU. She'll need you for support when/if it all goes tits up, you are her mother. It's your duty to stand by her, be supportive and let her make her OWN mistakes.

Be there for her and DO NOT say I told you so if it goes wrong.

differentnameforthis · 25/11/2011 09:22

Those pointing out how young marriages can work are missing the point.

This girl has LIED to the Bf about the pregnancy
He has said that he feels too young for a baby
he has said that he feels too young for marriage

She lied to everyone about being pregnant. This isn't a simple 'madly in love teenage marriage" scenario.

differentnameforthis · 25/11/2011 09:23

She also initially told the op (hope I am remembering correctly) that she was bleeding & saw a dr, which the op now knows she didn't (see a dr)

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 09:36

Of course it isn't differentname-and I expect it will all go wrong-HOWEVER-OP has no control so she has to go with it and be around to pick up the pieces without saying 'I told you so'. I can't see that refusing to attend is going to make her DD say 'how dreadful, I won't go ahead'!

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 09:37

You can't control an adult-however much you want to!

lljkk · 25/11/2011 09:43

I would go but decline to take a formal role or pay up for any of it.
You really don't know how this is going to turn out.

lljkk · 25/11/2011 09:44

No, I lie, I would offer to pay up for my share of the costs as a guest (ie, 18 quid if the meal is 18 quid per head, etc.).
And I wouldn't get a nice outfit for the event, either.

LunaticFringe · 25/11/2011 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 25/11/2011 09:54

as uplifting as others teen love stories are.they aren't applicable here
given the falsehoods by the young woman,the misgivings by the young man
this is hardly strong love in face of adversity
it is sad and troubling with huge ramifications.no wonder the op is beside herself

however,i would advise op maintain contact but try have a cards on table discussion.keep calm ,cordial but try stop the marriage.idf necessary think of a trusted person that her dd likes who can mediate

Lemonylemon · 25/11/2011 09:59

OP: Not wishing to be rude, and hope this won't be taken the wrong way.... Your daughter is a drama queen and has previous form.

I would speak to the bf's mum and find out if the banns have been posted at the register office. If not, then no wedding. If the bf lives a fair distance, the likelihood is that notice would have to be posted at his home register office as well. If notices aren't posted in both register offices, there can be no wedding.

If I was in your position, I'd bite my tongue and let her get on with it, saying nothing and keeping your own counsel. I doubt every much that there is going to be a wedding and things have a way of working themselves out.

If the bf doesn't want to get married, then nobody can force him. Now that you've found out that she's not pregnant, just shrug and don't get into a heated debate with her about things. Don't offer to pay for the reception, don't offer to pay for the wedding, just "hmm", "aaahh" when the conversation comes up and remain non-commital.

If all that biting your tongue becomes too painful, what you can do is to write a word on the roof of your mouth with your tongue. "Idiot", is quite a good one.... Wink

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 10:01

This is where MILs go wrong-sadly you can't choose your DCs partners and they learn by their own mistakes. You have no control. My mother was difficult about my brother's choice of partner and did what people are suggesting here-e.g. take the shine off. (she had good reason) 26 years later they are still together. You do have to be careful, you can't dictate or control.

exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 10:02

Good advice from Lemony

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 25/11/2011 10:04

Can you perhaps offer to pay for the wedding or a honeymoon if she is prepared to wait for you to save up a bit for it? If you say you will give your blessing and your financial support if they can wait for one year for you to save and pay for things, maybe speak to his parents and get them on board with the plan, it might give them time to realise they don't want to get married after all.

That way you are showing support but still delaying the wedding for a little longer. She can't claim you are unsupportive and it might take some of the glamour away from any ideas of 'love against all odds' she might have.

shoobydoowop · 25/11/2011 10:13

oh dear, I can see why you are worried and upset. You should support her, not disown her though, sounds like she needs some guidance so yes YABU

aldiwhore · 25/11/2011 10:21

I think as much as it galls you should be there for your dd, no one knows how the future will pan out, they may well be still married in 40 years time. Support your DD through her crazy mistakes, its nothing that can't be undone, and its not for you to give ultimatums.

What you need to do is make it clear you don't approve (which you have) but also that you will support her. Yes its crazy, yes it may well end in tears, YANBU to be absolutely against it, but I think there comes a point where if you're ever going to have a happy future with your DD and future grandchildren, you need to show that you can be there even when you're dead set against it.

I didn't marry, but I did move in with a horrible man when I was 19... my parents dispised him they made their feelings clear BUT they were also incredibly supportive. They waited 5 years for me to see sense, they picked me up when I was down even though it was of my own making, they gave continuous love and support and were extremely happy when I finally left the abusive bastard.

Knowing I had their love was very important, it didn't stop me making mistakes but it sure as hell helped me learn from them. My respect for my parents is immense, I put them through a lot. Had they thrown a hissy fit or given ultimatums, I'd probably still be with the arsehole, out of stubborness if nothing else.

I feel for you, I really do, but retain the moral highground, show by your actions that you accept your dd has the right to make her own mistakes and tell her you love her everyday. Even if she's a bloody nightmare! I was AWFUL as a teen, I'm 'nice' now, and that's down to my parents love and support.

ZZZenAgain · 25/11/2011 10:23

I think if it is possible , I would try to stand back from it and not get involved. If she can plan her marriage and pay for it, good luck to her, maybe she is then also capable of running a home, maintaining a good marriage and all the rest of it. We all have to start somewhere growing up. She can start with setting up a marraige.

Personally I feel it will not come about. The boyfriend does not want it. He told her (other thread) as I recall that they should both complete training first and he did not want a baby. Perhaps it is the strong negative reaction of his own parents which he is for the moment rebelling against by pursuing the marriage despite everything being a bit difficult and no real need for it just at the moment, as far as I can see.

I think your dd should try to finish the course which is after all paid for. If she fails, she fails. I think that is what is worrying her. She is scared of failing. He has to get on with his overseas posting which is hugely stressful for him as it is. When he is back and both are trained, if they still want, they could look at getting married. Dd would still only be 20. Hardly an "old maid".

ZZZenAgain · 25/11/2011 10:24

if it does eventuate, which I doubt atm, I would attend and not be a wet blanket but probably a bit quiet I think, if that is how I felt inside