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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to disown DD and not attend wedding

131 replies

Downnotout · 24/11/2011 22:36

Long thread on teenagers but....
She is 18 . Has known him less than 4 months. Wedding is set for 19th Dec.
She said she was pregnant, then she wasn't.
AIBU to say she is a bloody fool and want nothing to do with it?

OP posts:
Maryz · 24/11/2011 23:34

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racingheart · 24/11/2011 23:34

YABVU and you know it. Support your daughter. It's her choice, her life - you don't control it. Go to the wedding and wish her the best. No reason the wedding won't last just because she's young. Three couples I know, including my sister and BIL got together with their partners in their teens and are still together 30 years later!

And if he does turn out to be dodgy - at least you were by her side and wishing her the best. One of my best friends married a man we all knew was a user last year. But we all turned up. Think he was a bit overwhelmed by the huge numbers of people who loved her and wanted the best for her. made him realise if he treated her like a pushover there'd be some fall out.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 24/11/2011 23:35

It doesn't matter what you think of him - she's your DD. Do you ever want to maintain any kind of relationship with her? What about if when it all falls to pieces and she needs you? Grit your teeth, go to her wedding and tell her she looks beautiful. Even if you can't bring yourself to say anything else, at least that will be true, and you won't regret it. If you don't go you might lose her forever.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 24/11/2011 23:40

Having read the other threads, I still think you should go, just because you need to retain the moral high ground (not that it's difficult in the circumstances). It's only one day. Statistically, it's likely to go tits up, but you can't change her mind. However, I would probably be using this situation to impress upon her that she is an adult making adult decisions

i.e. whilst I'll always be your mother, that doesn't mean you can come to live back at home and be financially supported by us any time it goes wrong/ you change your mind/ you wish you'd stuck out the college course.

HTH- I really feel for you OP. I think you're coping brilliantly in the circumstances. Think I would have totally lost my rag by now.

thelittlestkiwi · 25/11/2011 00:02

OP- have read your other thread.

I'd probably go. But I wouldn't pay. And I might wear black :-)

It seems like your daughter will be doing some serious growing up in the next few months, whether she likes it or not. Have you spoken to the BF? Whether she gets married or not, I think you need to have a serious talk with her about quitting her course. Maybe she is finding it harder than she thought or is worried about failing. How long does she have to go? Even if she doesn't want to go on to this career completing the course would be the sensible option and might open up other careers she hasn't considered. I doubt BF earns enough for her to live in the style to which she is accustomed.

I'm sure you know all of this...... Stay strong.

TheSecondComing · 25/11/2011 00:05

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WobbledWeeble · 25/11/2011 00:08

Just go, take advantage of the bar to help you grit your teeth and then you will never have regrets. theyre horrid things, regrets

wherearemysocks · 25/11/2011 00:08

My parents got married very soon after my mum turned 18, they eloped because her parents were against it. They are still happily married with 2 kids, and she doesn't talk to her mum anymore, and nor do I.

My grandma is a nasty piece of work - I hope you are not and you go and support your daughter.

You'll either be there to be a part of their happy life together or be there to support her if it doesn't work out.

thegirlwithnoname · 25/11/2011 00:21

My parents met in the Jan.
Got pregnant in the March.
Got engaged in the beginning of May.
Dad was 17 in the middle of May.
Mum was 17 in the middle of June.
They married at the end of July (7 months after meeting).
They have been married for 45 years now.

It does work sometimes.
They haven't had the easiest of marriages, especially when she went back to school as a married woman! And then they moved away so she could go to uni, christ, he was a coal miner and she ended up a doctor!!
You could end up loosing your daughter if you don't go, and I should imagine that's the last thing you want.

thegirlwithnoname · 25/11/2011 00:22

I missed a bit out, she lost the baby in the August.

Original poster
Downnotout · 25/11/2011 00:25

Maryz it's ok I can take it.
Just wanted a straw poll of this. I am taking all the advice I can get.

It's interesting to see that those who read the other thread have some sympathy and those who take it at face value don't.

My brother suggested turning up at the wedding and standing up at the point where they say if anyone has any objections( or whatever they say)

Not funny. Wouldn't dream of it. Have to laugh otherwise I might not get through this. Thanks all anyway.

OP posts:
Maryz · 25/11/2011 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 25/11/2011 00:34

My sister wa 18 when she married her DH...also 18. They had been together for ten months and still are 30 years later. 4 DC, lovely home of their own...might be ok OP....have you met him? What's he like? My sisters DH was like a kid apparently....my Mum and Nan "took him on" and looked after them both a bit....now he owns his own business and is a great person.

Original poster
Downnotout · 25/11/2011 00:40

He seems a nice lad. No problem there.

His mother is devastated.

He hasn't answered his phone since the initial discussion about the pregnancy when he said he didn't want a baby and told her so.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 25/11/2011 00:43

The only way are children learn is to make their own mistakes

If you don't go and it works out you will be so mad with your self

This is not worth loosing your child over she is only getting married to someone she loves she not been on the rob or on drugs on the grand ladder of things getting married because you think your in love is not that bad

Maryz · 25/11/2011 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jened34 · 25/11/2011 00:53

I had a similar situation when I married exdh. My mum had to force herself to go to my wedding and I know it was so hard for her to do. In the end when I told her we were splitting up it's because she had kept the communication lines open. Then she took a deep breath and helped me pick up the pieces and get going again without one 'I told you so'. That was the start of healing our relationship after a decade of fighting( I was still only 20). I love her for that support more than she will ever know!

My advice is go to the wedding but you don't have to pretend to be happy and be there to pick up the pieces with her if it all goes wrong.

Good luck and she will appreciate it in the end.

DrSocks · 25/11/2011 01:14

OP - I followed your other thread.

Please go to the wedding.

Being a teenager is horrible. You do things without proper regard for the consequences, and perhaps not for the "right" reasons. However, you're disapproval won't stop her from doing those things, indeed, depending on how head-strong she is (and reading your other thread, it seems she has a pretty good idea of what her goal is) your disapproval may push her further in that direction.

I know it must be difficult, but please, bite your tongue. Tell your daughter you love her unconditionally. Tell her you don't necessarily agree with the decisions but that you love her regardless. Tell her that you love her, and that you will always support her emotionally (although not financially). That is the best thing you can do.

As I say, being a teenager is so difficult. Please let her feel like you are on her side. And that, as a mother, is the best thing you can ever do.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 25/11/2011 01:31

how about just being honest with your dd, say you are worried it maybe cause her heart ache....but you will be there to suport her

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 25/11/2011 02:06

What she is proposing to do may be foolhardy, but it is not illegal (curse the twat who lowered the age of majority to 18).

You conceived her, you gave birth to her, you raised her.

She's always going to be your dd even if she's not always your d daughter. .

As her dm, the least you can do is be there for her though thick and thin.

Put your glad rags on, paste a smile on your face, and show the world and his wife that, even if you don't approve of her decisions, you're always going to be by her side because you owe her no less and because she needs you in her corner.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 25/11/2011 07:19

sadly, there's bog all you can do except be there to pick up the pieces and never ever EVER do the 'I told you so' thing

You can either be the mother who loved and supported her unconditionally even when she was making huge mistakes, or you can be the mother who cut her off when she wouldn't listen to you.

I haven't read the other thread, or if I have I don't remember it Blush but clearly there's some big issue here and you sound really upset by it all. The hardest thing to accept is that she's not a baby any more (legally!) and you've got no control here, you just have to sit back and watch her make what you believe to be the biggest mistake of her life, and just hope for the best and, like I say, be there non judgementally when / if it all goes tits up.

TheFidgetySheep · 25/11/2011 07:35

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exoticfruits · 25/11/2011 07:36

You have no choice. If you want to keep your DD you smile and go.
They only ever learn by their own mistakes. I agree with Hecate-be there to pick up the pieces and don't ever say 'I told you so'.
It maybe that it works. I know someone who did similar and has been very happily married for nearly 30yrs and has 2 very successful, university educated DDs. It would have been so sad if her parents had missed out all those years.
I haven't read the other thread but my advice would be the same.

MamaPizza · 25/11/2011 07:38

Please don't disown her. I am the DD that was disowned by her parents for loving a man who doesn't fit their bill. It is heartbreaking.

Go and enjoy the wedding with her. If it works out, then great, if not then be the supportive mother and help her through it.

Pursang · 25/11/2011 07:43

You need to go. It's going to go one of two ways: either they'll stay together, and your not having attended will always be a black cloud, orrrr it all will come crashing down, in which case you'll want to be there for her.

However, YANBU to be feeling like this, but she needs to make her own mistakes. It doesn't stop you from trying to talk some sense into her in the meantime though (gently - you don't want to push her away).

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