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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to disown DD and not attend wedding

131 replies

Downnotout · 24/11/2011 22:36

Long thread on teenagers but....
She is 18 . Has known him less than 4 months. Wedding is set for 19th Dec.
She said she was pregnant, then she wasn't.
AIBU to say she is a bloody fool and want nothing to do with it?

OP posts:
sue52 · 24/11/2011 22:57

She's your daughter, go.

mummymccar · 24/11/2011 22:57

Hatti is spot on. I got engaged at 18 and my mum flipped out. She told me how stupid I was, how I was too young to be getting married, that I didn't know him well enough, that it'd never work... When she told me she wouldn't attend the wedding it broke my heart - but it didn't change my mind.
My relationship with the guy deteriorated but I kept working on it because I wanted to prove to my mum that I wasn't a failure, that I could make it work because I wasn't a 'stupid little girl'.
It ended before we got married but it would have ended a lot sooner had I thought that I had my mum's support. As it was I felt like if I ended it I'd have nobody.
Just give her your support and don't do or say anything you'll regret. If it is an expression of adulthood then it'll Peter out, if it's the real deal then you won't want to say anything that they'll remember at their 25th wedding anniversary.

PacificDogwood · 24/11/2011 22:59

I am also wondering whether you had posted about the v specific college situation? Groom to be is in the army?

Go. You never know, they might stick it out and you'd look foolish if they did and you hadn't been to their wedding.
It is does not work out, then you get the satisfaction of being able to say 'I told you so' - whether you chose to actually say it, or not.

VeryStressedMum · 24/11/2011 22:59

Whatever you think of the situation, and by all means tell her, but also tell her that you'll always support her and be there for her and if she is choosing to go ahead with the wedding despite your reasoning then there's nothing else you can do but stand by her side and hope that it works out. But if it doesn't you need to be there for her and not just to say I told you so!!

hopefulgum · 24/11/2011 22:59

I only knew my husband for 4 months when I got pregnant at 24, then got married 3 months later... that was 21 years ( and five kids)ago. Not all whirlwind marriages are failures, though I don't know the circumstances of your daughter's relationship.

Yes, she is young, but she has to make her own mistakes, and I think that being a mum is all about being there for your kids, no matter what they do.

VeryStressedMum · 24/11/2011 23:01

I hadn't read the post Pacific when I wrote that it looks like it was directed at you about the I told you so..!!!! But still don't say it if the worst happens not until years later!!

Bakelitebelle · 24/11/2011 23:01

Go but try not to spend much money on it. My friend was about to get married aged 18 to the first man she went out with. Lavish wedding all wasted when she saw the bridal car pull up outside the house and reality hit home and she changed her mind

PacificDogwood · 24/11/2011 23:03

VeryStressedMum Grin.

'I told you so': Now there is a phrase I try very had NOT to use in RL

Andrewofgg · 24/11/2011 23:04

Please, OP, ask yourself how not going will help . . . and then go.

If it does not work out, you have done no harm.

If it does, well, you will be glad you were there if you go and sorry you weren't if you don't.

You cannot lose by going.

aurynne · 24/11/2011 23:04

My mum married my dad when she was 19, had me at 20. They are still together 35 years later. But even if they had broken up, having their families on their side meant the world to them.

I think you're being unreasonable to abandon your daughter just because she made a decision you don't agree with. It is her life, her husband-to-be, and you have to respect her. I bet the rest of the family and her friends will be there for her. If you don't apologize and go, and support her, she will never forget, and probably never forgive.

You have now the chance to right this wrong, you can save yourself for a life of detachment and estrangement from your daughter and, possible, your future grandchildren. Please, please, rethink your position. Whatever she chooses to do, she will always be your daughter, your baby, and she needs her mum. She needs her mum's support for her adult decisions.

NonnoMum · 24/11/2011 23:06

Blimey - you go and you congratulate her!

Far better a marriage then randomly moving in together.

Original poster
Downnotout · 24/11/2011 23:07

Sorry- all moving too fast for me to keep up!

I get that YTIABU but there is a HUGE backstory to this. Yes it's me, re college. Army BF. and she isn't pregnant!

Yes it's the lesser of two evils I know. Am struggling though.

OP posts:
StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 24/11/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkSchmoo · 24/11/2011 23:10

Folks read some of ops other posts - does sound like dd is, troubled, and is unlikely to be with her bf by next Christmas. Saying that and with deepest sympathy I'd go on proviso I wasn't paying. I honestly think she could be with someone else by the time the wedding comes round.

Doha · 24/11/2011 23:11

Have read your previous thread and l know your troubles iwth your DD.
Firstly will you get an invitation as l guess you are not on the best of terms right now. I think you have made your point well OP and you have-despite your doubts-been a good mum to her.
If invited go to the wedding. You don't have to approve but try show some support. She and her BF probably have manipulated this situation to fast track the wedding although l thought her BF originally wasn't too keen. Your DD will always be your daughter ( although currently drop the first D).
I really think you would regret it at some point in the future if you didn't go

TooImmature2BDumbledore · 24/11/2011 23:11

I know, but you do want to stay part of her life, and I think you have to go to do that.

Can someone link to the backstory thread?

DamselInDisarray · 24/11/2011 23:14

I can imagine you are struggling, but you just have to fix a smile on, buy a big hat and pretend that you're happy for her. Step back, Let her make her choices (good or bad) and be there to help her pick up the pieces if necessary.

As they won't have anything, make sure your present is incredibly boring and practical. That way it's a reminder of how much life isn't like a movie (and still totally appropriate as a wedding present). It also acts as a symbol that she's all grown up now and needs to look after herself.

Shenanagins · 24/11/2011 23:16

Read your previous difficulty with your daughter and it sounds like another attention seeking attempt. Go along with it all and if it does come off, go along as she then will not be able to use it against you at a later date.

DamselInDisarray · 24/11/2011 23:16

Because nothing says get on with looking after yourself like the gift of a washing machine.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 24/11/2011 23:20

I think I would go, if I were you. I'm sure she realises that you don't think this is a good idea, but, since she is old enough to make her own decisions, there isn't much else you can do about it. Not going to the wedding will not change her mind, and may well make it harder for her to turn to you for support when (if) things do go wrong.

Bit of a sad story- in a similar scenario many years ago, my cousin moved in with a guy my aunt didn't approve of. My aunt threw all her stuff out on the street and "disowned" her. Couple of years later cousin and guy in question got married. Aunt said she would not attend, then eventually relented and did attend, albeit po-facedly. A year or so later my cousin killed herself Sad It seems her mum was right, the guy wasn't very nice, she was very depressed about lots of things and the relationship between her and her mum wasn't mended enough for her to talk to her mum. My aunt never ever forgave herself, and never got over it. She drank a lot, cried a lot and eventually had a massive stroke from which she never really recovered. So so sad.

Please try to put your relationship with your dd above your frustration at the bad choices she seems to be making at the moment.

leftmymistletoeatthedoor · 24/11/2011 23:22

YABVU

ASK to go, don't wait for an invite. Say you'll support her no matter what because, you know, that's what mums do. However hard it is for you she sounds like she's having a hard enough time tbh without you stressing her out.

I met dh when I was 19 and we're together 11 years on, married, 2 kids and all that. Hopefully it will be the same for her - if it is do you REALLY want to miss out on your daughters life? Your potential grandkids lives?

If it all goes belly up do you want her feeling lost and scared and angry all on her own and probably making MORE wrong decisions that could be much worse than this? Or, do you want her to come back to mum for love, support and guidance and be a little bit older and wiser so she can move on with life?

fortyplus · 24/11/2011 23:26

I'm 50 and have friends the same age who met their current spouses at 12, 14, 17 and 19 respectively. Admiteddly the ones who met at 12 were just friends and didn't start dating till 18.

It can happen!

Pandemoniaa · 24/11/2011 23:27

She's 18, legally an adult even if you doubt her maturity in making this decision. She may well be making an enormous mistake but how many of us haven't? To disown her, IMHO, would be uncaring and unforgivable. No matter how furious you are with her right now.

Maryz · 24/11/2011 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

racingheart · 24/11/2011 23:34

YABVU and you know it. Support your daughter. It's her choice, her life - you don't control it. Go to the wedding and wish her the best. No reason the wedding won't last just because she's young. Three couples I know, including my sister and BIL got together with their partners in their teens and are still together 30 years later!

And if he does turn out to be dodgy - at least you were by her side and wishing her the best. One of my best friends married a man we all knew was a user last year. But we all turned up. Think he was a bit overwhelmed by the huge numbers of people who loved her and wanted the best for her. made him realise if he treated her like a pushover there'd be some fall out.

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