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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset that we've turned into one of ^those^ families..

86 replies

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 20:53

On the drive home this eve my dd (6) was rehearsing her lines for her Christmas play for me. She was so excited telling me all about it.

She asked would I be going to see her the night it's on, to which I replied of course I would.

She then stated, very matter of fact like that "daddy won't though.. He's much too busy.."

I'm stupidly upset. I've been crying mist of the eve since the dc went to bed which admittedly is an over reaction but I'm presuming it's also due to tiredness and loneliness and a feeling that we've failed.

He was around so so so much during her early years :(

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 24/11/2011 20:56

Poor you! Do tell him,is it that he needs to work so hard? Could he book a day off from his holiday entitlement & suprise her?

WorraLiberty · 24/11/2011 20:57

But not everyone can attend these things because they are busy and you should be proud of your DD for realising that at her age.

Video it and let them watch it together

SandStorm · 24/11/2011 20:59

Well, we're one of those families too. Over the years I've gone from being disappointed that DH can't be at things to thinking "what do all these fathers do that they can take a day off for sports day/nativity play/celebration afternoon".

Both dds have accepted it and tbh as long as he makes it to parents' evening I don't worry about it.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 20:59

Thank you

I don't even know yet if he can't make it to be honest, he may very likely be there.

It's just the realisation that she notices he's always gone (which I suppose is obvious) but it hit hard when she just assumed he wouldn't be around. She didn't seem bothered either

OP posts:

auntiepicklebottom2 · 24/11/2011 21:00

my DH will not be there for DS play, however i will professinally record it and watch it together.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:02

icelolly I don't need to tell him - he already knows - when he is actually home (rare) he rattles on how he appreciates how much that I'm doing (95% of housework and childcare) and how much he misses us all. I often wake in the middle of the night to find he's snuggled in bed beside ds (22 months) cuddling him in his sleep

OP posts:

Hardgoing · 24/11/2011 21:03

Lots of people only have one parent there, or even none. I have sent delegations (mum and gran) myself one year when I had to work.

So, don't fret about one night, but it sounds like it runs a bit deeper than that. Would you/he like him to be around more?

Hardgoing · 24/11/2011 21:04

My children also say 'you've always on the computer, mummy' which is true, I work from home a lot and am 'unavailable' a lot. It does hurt. And there's no daddy in the week in this house at all, and the children do comment on that too, but what can we do, we have to work?

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:05

This weeks an unusual week admittedly but he's literally just slept here since last weekend (in at 1am, up at 6am)

He won't see the dc until saturday morning and that may be for just an hour,

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 24/11/2011 21:06

Well you sound like one of those families.
A loving one with a husband who appreciates you & a dd who understands how life is & is accepting of it without a guilt trip :)

MrsMojoRisin · 24/11/2011 21:09

Well at least you can be there.

Both me and DH work and are struggling to find the leave to take time of work for DDs Chirstmas play, church carol service, family craft day, school christmas party / fair AND pick her up at 1pm on the last day before Xmas.

And we have no family nearby to take our place.

Yes we are one of those families :(

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:09

You're right hardgoing and I'm sorry you are finding things difficult too.

We wanted a certain lifestyle for our dc and going the way we are, we will achieve it but we're quite young and I'm worried we've got our priorities wrong - something's only age and experience can teach you

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:11

Oh icelolly that's lovely. Thank you

mrsmojo I'm sorry if I've upset

OP posts:

EverybodysScaryEyed · 24/11/2011 21:15

My DH is a bit of a weekend dad (and husband). he has made a real effort to take ds to school (he's in reception) and he booked holiday for the play as soon as he found out about it. DS would now be gutted if DH ends up travelling that day (and so would DH).

DS recently said to DH "daddy will you put that blackberry down and play with me!" Made me quite sad and DH extremely guilty!

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:20

everybodyscaryeyed I caught my ds (22 months) sitting on the couch the other day with his toy phone to his ear tapping on the laptop. I laughed at the time and took a photo but am now realising he's copying what he sees most from dh and I

OP posts:

EverybodysScaryEyed · 24/11/2011 21:22

Barbie - that's very cute!

When I first gave DS blackberries to eat he looked at them thoughtfully and said "if i don't eat them will they grown into phones". Kind of sad he knew the device before the fruit!! He can't have been 2 at the time!

LordOfTheFlies · 24/11/2011 21:23

DH and I (no family near) always try to be there for our DCs school events but:

I work for NHS and I have to give a months notice or more for leave. Especially near holiday times it's difficult to get time off.
The school doesn't give us alot of notice for events -sometimes a week.
A couple of years back I was given the date for Yr 3 play so I booked off the afternoon of one day.Only to be told she was in the morning play only so I couldn't go Luckily she was OK about it.

I'm sure the school thinks I am one of those families when I go into the office and ask dates and I'm told 'a letter will be sent out'.

WhereMyMilk · 24/11/2011 21:27

Barbie, DH and I have had this conversation tonight, about whether we push professionally and make our lifestyle easier for want of a better word, eg pay off mortgage etc or do we wait and enjoy the DC whikstthey are young, and hope that when we decide to push we still can...

WestYorkshirePudding · 24/11/2011 21:28

My OH is one of the dads who can always make the school play / carol concert / harvest festival, etc. He's self-employed and so can fit his work around things we have planned which is great.

What isn't great is that when he's on holiday he doesn't get paid and when he's quiet at work we're both completely stressed about it.

Yes, it's great he can be there to see the kids grow up but sometimes earning just £10k a year has it's downfalls :(

Hardgoing · 24/11/2011 21:28

Barbie, it sounds like I feel terrible about it, I don't really, I think it's part and parcel of being in a family, there's the 'ideal' and then there's what you have to get on with, and for us, financially, that means one parent working away and one just working.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone, children do say things like 'I wish you didn't have to go to work' but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to work. Clearly it's bad if they don't get any quality time with you, but we do pretty well with extended family, me and their dad on weekends, it's the best we can manage. And usually one of us gets to see the play, although it tends to be whoever is free, not a whole family contingent.

Laquitar · 24/11/2011 21:31

I usally go alone and i never felt this way. I feel very lucky that one of us has flexible work. And very lucky that dh still has a job. Did you really cry?
Cant you record it?

TheLastNameLeft · 24/11/2011 21:32

Mrsmojo, I was just about to post something very similar to your post.

The amount of times I have missed school assemblies etc and think of my beautiful dd looking at the other parents there wishing her mummy or stepdad could be there too.

Tis the season of extra bloody guilt now too.

AngryFeet · 24/11/2011 21:38

I grew up in a family like this. My dad worked 6 days a week for very long hours. It was hard on my mum but I still had a wonderful childhood. When my dad was at home he made lots of time for us and we did a lot together. He earnt a lot of money which we benefitted hugely from and still do now so for that I am always grateful. I am very close to my dad and always have been.

I have married a man just like my dad in that respect but I am happy with it and so are the kids. We spend all our weekend time together and have great fun. He usually manages to get home in time for kids bed which is nice but he does miss most plays etc. I always go with one of the dc's grandparents and they have never known different so don't even mention it.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:39

I unexpectedly became pregnant with dd1 at 19 (dh was 21). We worked our bums off to ensure that the "surprise" (and our completely unprepared lives) of her arrival wouldn't cause any impact on her life than if we were older and planned it and were "ready".

Dh has what I'd consider a pretty good day job and this job often meant he'd be home with her at 2pm most days. Then over 4 years later we had ds, the recession hit badly when I was pregnant (Ireland) I despaired one night (after the budget cut both our wages considerably) and asked dh what on earth we were going to do - he said to leave it to him (I was working full time and attending uni for my law degree at night so wasn't letting it all fall on his shoulders by the way)

He's unbelievably talented - he plays numerous instruments and sings really well so he started gigging - pubs, hotels etc it started to make up what we'd lost.

We planned another baby, pregnant again when ds was 7 months - same thing - the government who swore blind our wages wouldn't be touched again cut us dramatically - dh upped his game and started a band along with his own one man gigging. It has really taken off and he's now in huge demand.

His day job increased everyone's hours due to recession (but with no extra pay) around the same time.

The band have to rehearse etc. Our youngest is 5 months now and I went back to work (full time) last week (no choice). Dh is gone at 7.30 - dc aren't even up - I get them all ready/ dd to school/ younger 2 to cm and drive 40 mons to be in for 9.30. I or dh collect at 5, he's usually gone to rehearse or gig at 6 (and not home until 12). This us weekdays. He sometimes has to work Saturday's and Sunday's with his day job (the reason he used to be off at 2 during the week) and gigs neatly every fri, sat and Sunday night. It's all come at once.

He's been afforded a massive opportunity recently - one I can't go into here and I'm truly delighted but it means he's gone even more

OP posts:

heavydutyjudy · 24/11/2011 21:41

I am in a similar situation where DH has own business but works incessantly and I have to do pretty much everything else, for us and DS, 20 months. Apart from the day to day, I'm also the one who has to deal with all life's hassles, take time off if DS is sick, or for plumbers etc ( I work 4 days pw). I understand he has to work hard but sometimes I get pretty pissed off, not just for the sake of DS, but for me too...it's hard to have a life of my own

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