Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be really upset that we've turned into one of ^those^ families..

86 replies

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 20:53

On the drive home this eve my dd (6) was rehearsing her lines for her Christmas play for me. She was so excited telling me all about it.

She asked would I be going to see her the night it's on, to which I replied of course I would.

She then stated, very matter of fact like that "daddy won't though.. He's much too busy.."

I'm stupidly upset. I've been crying mist of the eve since the dc went to bed which admittedly is an over reaction but I'm presuming it's also due to tiredness and loneliness and a feeling that we've failed.

He was around so so so much during her early years :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:42

everybodyscaryeyed

wheresmymilj - thanks for that - it helps that someone else is thinking this

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:44

laquitar yes, I really did cry but as I've said I'm knackered and lonely and miss my dh. I've worked about 35 hours this week and took care of 3 dc and the house completely on my own so admittedly I'm probably being over dramatic due to being over tired

OP posts:

Megatron · 24/11/2011 21:45

We are also one of those families. DH has probably seen one of their Christmas plays (each), perhaps one craft night and has never been to a parents evening or sports day.

He would love to be able to go to more of these things but he's a surgeon, he has to drop everything frequently and run. It's just the way it is and now the children are really very accepting of it. They DO get upset if I am unable to attend anything because they're so used to me being there but thankfully that's exceptionally rare.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:47

hardgoing that's really nice- we have a massive extended family who we're stupidly close to who absolutely adore our dc. They are really loved by a lot of people so we're very lucky. Our cm is my aunt (and uncle) and dc attend there with their wee cousins who they adore, it all helps.

Sorry for so many posts - on phone and can't revert back when typing

OP posts:

twinklytroll · 24/11/2011 21:48

I think most familes now are one of those familes. I am definitely one of those mothers who never gets to go to see dd in anything, luckily dp can go to everything but he is the exception rather than the rule.

jasminerice · 24/11/2011 21:48

We made the decision to not work madly to secure ourselves financially whilst the DC's are young. It was a deliberate choice. DH could have gone for big promotions at work and be earning loads but I knew we'd never see him and we can never get this time back with our DC's.

Not quite sure how we'll pay off our mortgage, but I really don't care about that right now.

twinklytroll · 24/11/2011 21:49

I don't even have a mortgage but many of us have to accept we will never see things like plays etc even without the promotion

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:50

Woo hoo dh had just texted to say he'll be home in an hour and a half! Which means I'll get to see him tonight as staying up late as I've taken tomorrow off.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 24/11/2011 21:52

When I was a kid nobody's dad came to school things-they were all working.I never remember feeling sad at all about it.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 24/11/2011 21:54

I'm very excited that I'm going to manage to get to the nativity play this year, has taken a lot of juggling and I am going to owe a massive favour but I'll get there. I'm a teacher.

I don't want to end up in the situation one of my colleagues was telling me about, when her son said to her "mum, you love the children at your school more than us".

I am very lucky though that my parents are around and available, and to be honest my boys often are keener for granny and grandad to attend than me.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:55

We've a "nice" mortgage but a really nice house and land to go with so I appreciate not everyone has this luxury - hence the reason we work so hard.

Childcare bill is massive bit I appreciate that won't be forever either

Dc have nice things, do lots of activities (well dd1) Horse riding etc

I'm not sure if we've got it wrong though. We both had nothing as kids - I was ashamed to bring friends to my house and dh is from a really rough council estate determined to do better but am afraid our own ishoos have warped our view on what's right

OP posts:

heavydutyjudy · 24/11/2011 21:56

I think there can be different cultural expectations too, my DH is not British and thinks it's normal to work hard and make the sacrifices now, as long as one of us is around to look after DS

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 21:56

endoplasmic grans and grandad and aunts and uncles always attend these things for dd too which is nice

OP posts:

twinklytroll · 24/11/2011 22:05

Endo I think that line is fairly standard for teachers kids. I have had to come home and work in my office every evening straight from work this week until awell after dd goes to bed. She came in this evening to help me make some resources and when I said thanks she looked at me and said "Its OK Mum it is the only way I see you nowadays"

Talk about guilt.

CailinDana · 24/11/2011 22:33

The way I look at it is, children are only young once. I would rather scrape by now and spend time with them when they're young, and then put my mind to earning money when they don't need me so much any more. DH and I deliberately bought a house in a cheap area so that I can afford not to work and he can afford to work shorter hours. I'm a SAHM and he's home every day at 5. He can take days off whenever he wants pretty much. I could have had a super successful career and he could be earning a lot more but that's not what we want for the time being. Later that could change but we're very happy with the way things are now.

Barbie if you're wondering about your priorities then maybe it's time to rethink them?

twinklytroll · 24/11/2011 22:37

I cannot afford to buy a house and I certainly do not have more money that I need , so I am not sacrificing my child for luxuries. I would imagine most people are in a similar boat, working hard to put food on the table. We give up a lot so that dp can be at home with dd, that means me working a lot of hours

valiumredhead · 24/11/2011 22:39

One of those families? What does that mean?

My dh rarely comes to things at school as he can't get time off work, I think he has come to one parent's evening and a handful of Xmas concerts.

You are going OP so not sure what the problem is tbh.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 22:44

calin I can completely see your point and agree that they are only little once that said, (and I could definitely be wrong as mine are so young) I've often read on here that they need you a lot more as teens? So our thinking was to work our bums off now so that we may be able to both reduce our hours when they are older.

Oh in don't know.

I also understand that as we had them young ourselves we had no choice but to work a lot (as we were "setting up"'in life if that makes sense)

I'm not sure if we can change our priorities right now - we're not flush - all we work for at the min us to pay mortgage and childcare

We can't change the fact that we've built the house etc now. I wonder if we should have rented / taken up council housing etc from the get go..

OP posts:

ssd · 24/11/2011 22:45

op, you're very lucky to have so much extended family around you to help out

it sounds like your kids will be doing just fine

we're always around for our kids, one or both of us, all the time, but we have to be there's no one else to do it

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 22:49

Valium I think the concert thing was only a teeny realisation of the bigger picture - that itself is not so much the problem but I know I didn't make that clear.

By "one of those", I mean the one where the dad is always working and never sees the kids - we never seen this for ourselves - his hours uses to be fab and the change hit quickly. It's one of the main reasons I always wanted to work too - so that dh didn't have to carry the full financial burden therefore possibly working more and not seeing his children. We always wanted us both to work equally/ see dc equally but regardless of those plans and my work, it's turned out that way any way.

OP posts:

hermionestranger · 24/11/2011 22:49

Similar here Dh works so so hard and I am a SAHM and evening student at the moment. We're tight at the moment but it's going to be worth it in the end and it means that right now one of us is always around for school stuff. We all have to make choices and i'm very lucky to be able to have that choice since redundancy came a calling, many parents do not. What pisses me right off is the very few mothers in our school with no kids at home who "can't be arsed" (direct quote) to come to boring stuff. there are parents who are working their rears off and re-arranging and leave taking as much as they can so that they can try and be at performances, assemblies, etc. Probably going to get flames about the can't be araed comment but it's the honest truth and was said to me today by one such mother who hadn't bothered to attend a special assembly!

CailinDana · 24/11/2011 22:51

I can see what you're saying about them needing you when they're teens, and I think that's probably true. I don't intend to go back to work until I'm sure that it's the right thing to do, and I'm willing to stop working again at a later stage if needs be. The way I see it my job now is to get my DS and any other kids that come along to adulthood - if I can fit a job around that, great, if I can't, then I won't.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can change your priorities if you want to - it's not easy but it's possible. The question is if you want to or not. I would never advise anyone to change their life solely for their children, as that will only lead to resentment. I stay at home with DS because I genuinely enjoy it and it's something I've always wanted to do - if I was sitting at home resenting being there and wishing I was at work it wouldn't do either of us any good and it would be a total waste of my time. I stay at home more for my benefit than DS's really - I'm sure if I found a good childminder he'd be just as well cared for, but there's no point in that as I simply don't want to work. To an extent I'm lucky that DH has a good enough job that I can stay at home. That said, we barely have two pennies to rub together, but that doesn't bother us really.

toptramp · 24/11/2011 22:58

At least she knows her dad which is more than I can say for dd. We really are one of "those" families!

WilsonFrickett · 24/11/2011 23:02

I think you both sound brilliant. Could of things. I think it's important that when you get these comments you take the time to re-assess if your priorities are still the same. If they are, then fine - and if you're both basically working to pay the things you need to pay the it sounds like your priorities need to be where they are.

The other thing is when you're both at home, your focus needs to be on the DS and spending nice time together as a family.

My parents split up when I was 3. I was never bothered that my dad didn't turn up for stuff, but when my poor single mother, who was working her ass off to feed us, was even 5 minutes late for things, I was completely destroyed. You need to be the one that's turning up on time with th phone off and a big smile on your face.

Finally, cut yourself some slack. You're doing fine.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 23:04

I agree with you hermoine

Cailin you don't sound harsh - I appreciate your honesty and you raise an interesting point. I'm genuinely not sure if I really do want our priorities to change or not - I don't know if we're doing the right thing by dc at all despite it all being done with the best of intentions for them. I worry that we'll wake up one day older and wiser and realise we got it wrong.

I am around a lot though - I work full time but my boss has young children and is incredibly understanding if I need to go somewhere. I also have a nice annual leave allowance and don't need to give much notice if I need leave.

I do wish dh was around more though - like he used to be. It's getting scary how busy he is

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread