To be really upset that we've turned into one of ^those^ families..

[Barbielovesken]

On the drive home this eve my dd (6) was rehearsing her lines for her Christmas play for me. She was so excited telling me all about it.

She asked would I be going to see her the night it's on, to which I replied of course I would.

She then stated, very matter of fact like that "daddy won't though.. He's much too busy.."

I'm stupidly upset. I've been crying mist of the eve since the dc went to bed which admittedly is an over reaction but I'm presuming it's also due to tiredness and loneliness and a feeling that we've failed.

He was around so so so much during her early years :(

It's so bloody hard isn't it. I can tell you're doing a fab job. Try not to beat yourself up,

We both work and have always done so and I always felt guilty at not always being available for my dd so. Therefore I was very surprised and pleased when my dd was talking about someone else's childhood and compared it with her own which she said was idyllic . I would never have described it as that, but maybe we didn't do such a bad job after all.

Perhaps have a word with him and just say how worried you are. I don't mean to scare you but I do know a few older people who have bitter regrets about not being there for their children. One boss I had years ago had a terrible time with her husband who basically had a breakdown when he retired from work. He'd had a very busy working life and had spent a lot of time away from home. It was only when he retired that he realised what he'd missed. He would sit with pictures of his children when they were young and cry about how he had no memories of them. He felt he'd wasted his life. My boss was not at all sympathetic about it - she felt he'd chosen that life and resented his absence. She had put her career on hold until the children were almost grown up (she did her PhD at 48, she was my boss at 58).

The way I see it, money comes and goes, you can earn it and lose it. Children are young for an incredibly short amount of time so you have to make the most of it. For some people that means getting the most out of the weekends and for others it means staying at home all the time - you have to strike the balance that suits you best. I would say that if the way things are doesn't suit you then now is the time to change it.

toptramp I'm sorry my mum was a single mum too, my dad was a violent alcoholic who I don't remind (and who died last year) but now as an adult I respect and appreciate my mother for so much and we are incredibly close. She is truly my best friend. Just being the 2 of us gave us an incredible bond despite the struggles.

Wilson you are lovely and that is so kind of you to say. Thank you. Dh adores his dc and when he is home, his entire attention is on them and me and he's very hands on, affectionate and loving towards them. He just wants them to have everything they need and I don't doubt for a second he's doing this for us.

Right now, we're basically just affording to live and pay the bills - no luxuries, holidays etc (things are very bad over here) but, like I say, we've a 5 year plan and if we stick to it we will be comfortable and can take dc travelling/ pay for uni etc - but is this the "right" thing to do...

Who I don't remember - I don't remember my dad

I wonder what you mean by the "right" thing Barbie. Is there a "right" thing? Surely you can only do what you can do at any given time?

I used to plan and plan and plan for the future, in fact I pretty much lived my life in the future. I then went through a very shit time and came close to dying. I now see the future as non-existent. I do plan for the coming months but long term plans have lost all meaning to me. I am far too aware of how quickly things can change so I take what I can from now and leave the future to its own devices.

God, I'm sorry to hear you've been through such a terrible time but hope you're well now? I probably do that - live life in the future.

But I feel I have to to a degree. I'm a planner and a terrible worrier. I just want dc to have an easier life (don't we all)

We are going to be "one of those families" for a while at least. We currently both stay up part of the week in London for work and DS comes with us so he sees DP for 4 out of 7 nights a week. It isn't intended to be a permanent arrangement but could easily last beyond DS starting school when we will obviously have to be at home all week while DP will be in London 4 days.

It isn't ideal but we aren't stressing too much about it. DP's dad worked all the hours under the sun in 2 jobs to give his family all the things he didn't have, and while DP remembers his dad not always being there, he doesn't have negative memories of that aspect of his childhood. He remembers all the times his dad was there and remembers understanding perfectly well about the times when he wasn't.

DP doesn't want to be absent as much as his dad was, but equally believes that his dad did the right thing and is working pretty hard at the moment in the hope that he might be able to take things a bit easier in the future.

My dad, on the other hand, was rarely around with work used as an excuse (he did a second job which was also a hobby of sorts) and I don't have positive memories of him because he was choosing to be absent for himself, not for all of us and I knew it.

I think a lot of it is about attitude - if your DH is involved and committed when he is there, and if your DD understand the reasons why he can't always be there then I don't see why being "one of those families" necessarily has to be a negative thing. DP turned out OK.

There are people who are inclined to look for the negatives in everything - one of DP's sisters constantly puts their father down and claims that he never did anything for them. There is a lot of selective memory going on - she constantly looks for ways to blame others for anything that goes wrong in her life and that accusation is just one of a long line of excuses. The irony is that her father now does far more for her children in terms of basic playing/interraction and hands-on childcare than she and her husband do whenever the family are together.

He is doing his best for his family. I know I would prefer that to a feckless youth who doesn't help at all.
My DD is pretty upset that her Dad won't see her christmas play. He finishes work on the last day, but can't transport himself from Belgium to here in time.
He has always seen it in the past because she's always been at the same school as him.
I found her trying to work out if it was possible to get an earlier flight. Unfortunately he can't not go in on the Friday.

OP, dont get so upset

people have to WORK to pay the MORTGAGE and this is how it is. I cannot attend my DSs Nursery concert, its his first one. Of course I am gutted, I really am. But you know what, gotta work and pay the bills! This is life, and getting upset is counterproductive and just makes you feel bad. park it

Cailan dana, NOT HELPFUL. AT ALL!!!!! there is difference between being away 24/7, and not being able to attend a 3pm concert you know! did you notice there is a recession????

I can understand why you're upset OP.

However, I don't remember my Dad ever coming to anything which took place during working hours. I don't remember any other Dads being there either, just the mums who were mostly SAHM's back then.

Wow porcamiseria, if you read the thread you'll see OP and I have been having a back and forth discussion so what I said was relevant, and she didn't take offence at all. I'm not sure why you're upset?

If it helps I was one of those children who never had parents at school plays, sports days etc (they were both primary teachers and inevitably they were busy doing their own school plays, sports the same time I was doing mine). It genuinely never bothered me and I suspect I was as matter of fact about it as your DD is being. It doesn't help with how your feeling I know but do try to realise that perhaps it's jsut not that big a deal to her (in the nicest possible way).

I haven't read all of this but having skimmed, I am really sad that we live in a society that believes this is the right way for its citizens to live.

We have over-complicated our lives, our expectations, we have fallen for the story we have been told about 'success'.

I can't really express what I mean as I am rushing but I think I believe that modern society works to serve capitalism with no place for 'living'. This is WAY too simplistic so I apologise and offer capitalism is on a self-destructive path

I really feel for all of you who are torn, what I hear are stories of 'those' families, where children are loved and cared for where parents do whatever they have to make a good life, to give security, food and shelter to those they love.

On another point, re dates for plays etc put on some pressure through the governors and Parents Associations, they should be able to plan. It's not like Sports Day, in thrall to the weather. If it snows there'll be no school anyway.

I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference to kids as long as they have kind and loving parents. I don't think DS will remember this time I've spent with him much at all, but I will. Later when he's older it might mean more to him if I'm around but mostly I expect I'll be taxi driver and problem solver rather than playmate, which is fine. I stay at home because I want the experience of being with him, rather than believing it has any special benefit for him.

I agree with you Earthymama. It's very sad that we live in a society that values money above all else. I don't want my DS growing up chasing success, I want him to be happy with his life, whatever way that might turn out.

I'd echo what loads of others have said.

Both my parents were teachers - Mum at my school (although she was never my teacher) and Dad at another school. Dad never came to anything because who would have been teaching his class? The only time he saw me do anything was the local schools swimming gala, when, even though he was busy dealing with his class, at least he could watch me! Mum was always at every play but rarely saw me 'do my bit' because she was behind the scenes marshalling everyone else.

If possible, they would invite someone else for me (grandparents, godparents) so that I had someone in the audience to look for. I did sort of miss it but it was never a big deal, just a fact of life.
Funnily enough, the thing I most hated about our lifestyle was that Dad would drop Mum and I off at school at 8.00 so I hung around in empty classrooms or the library for an hour. Then, after school, I would watch enviously as all my classmates ran out to be met by their mum and went home - I was usually at school until around 5.00. Hated that! And loved the move to secondary when I could finally go home at home time!

But, when we were at home, they spent lots of time with me. We played card or board games etc in the evenings, went out for walks together. So I accepted that Dad couldn't come to school plays etc because I had plenty of him at other times.

Which sounds like your family, so it seems to me that you're bringing up a child who will understand that a person cannot be everywhere at once, but that it doesn't mean she's any less important to them/

We wanted a certain lifestyle for our dc and going the way we are, we will achieve it

you makes your choices. Just that something has to be sacrificed for the certain lifestyle and in this case its the kids knowing their dad.

Wouldnt be for me, but maybe your Certain Lifestyle is more important.

TBH, I think it is unrealistic to think that both parents will be available for all their children's milestones, school events etc...

If it helps any, OP, my mother worked long long hours as a hospital doctor when I was young and so I hardly saw her. My father did most of the parenting despite working fulltime. But I always always loved my mother and she was fully present for me when she was home, which is what I remember all these years later. Her salary (and my father's) gave us a wonderful wonderful life with lots of activities and holidays etc. By the time I hit the important teen years she had achieved enough in her career that she was able to reduce her hours and side shift into private practice and she was home every day for me after school to help me with my homework and take me to activities. That's when my dad ramped his hours up but he was still home for dinner and bedtime most nights.

What I'm saying is, I don't remember ever being adversely affected by my mother working long hours. She worked hard and all that hard work eventually paid off so that when I really needed her (as a teen) she was there.

Your family sounds lovely and completely normal.

callindana, as you can tell i am VERY SENSTIVE about the fact I am missing DSs xmas concert!!!

as for the comment: " am really sad that we live in a society that believes this is the right way for its citizens to live."

Look its not like we are all city bankers working 24/7 that never see our kids. But there is a recession and people have to work, and if it traspires that you cant take a holiday/half day to attend a concert, its not the end of the world.

I do work for the money, but I also work because my work is very interesting, fulfilling and will give me something to do in the twenty-thirty years after the children have left home. Sometimes this means I can't attend stuff, mostly I do, or one of the other family members does. It's not just about prioritising lifestyle (ha, ha, so funny, we don't even have a mortgage and no handbags in sight). It's about women getting out there and playing more than one role in society, just as it is good for men to do that too. That won't always be compatible with attending a 11am school performance (ours is always am).

Your post is a bit contradictory porcamiseria - you say you're VERY SENSITIVE about missing your DS's concert and then later say it's not the end of the world. Of course it's not the end of the world but it's ok to feel sensitive about it. Like I said earlier I don't think it really has much impact on kids if parents miss these things and if you just can't be there then there's nothing much you can do about that. It sucks if you'd rather it was different.

What I was saying to the OP is the she doesn't really seem happy with how things are and she admits that they are not desperate for the money rather they need it to finance a "certain lifestyle." She is prioritising financial comfort for her family and is questioning that priority, which is a sensible thing to do IMO - you should regularly take time to look at your life and see if you're happy and whether you can change things if you're not. It might be that for the OP changing how things are would be too difficult or pointless, but it's ok for her to question things. I was just offering my viewpoint and I accept that others don't share it.

It surprises me that everyone always seems to focus on the benefit/cost to the children. I honestly think that as long as the child has caring parents they'll be fine, no matter how much their parents work. What about the parents though? It is ok for a parent to want to spend lots of time with their child, and to arrange their life so that's possible. People seem to be willing to make huge sacrifices financially for their children - sending them to private school, paying for activities, but they won't take the financial hit so that they can have the experience of being at home more often and seeing their children grow up. It baffles me. I am a SAHM for me. It is of benefit to my DS I think but that's not my primary consideration to be honest. If I started hating be a SAHM then I'd find a job.