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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset that we've turned into one of ^those^ families..

86 replies

Barbielovesken · 24/11/2011 20:53

On the drive home this eve my dd (6) was rehearsing her lines for her Christmas play for me. She was so excited telling me all about it.

She asked would I be going to see her the night it's on, to which I replied of course I would.

She then stated, very matter of fact like that "daddy won't though.. He's much too busy.."

I'm stupidly upset. I've been crying mist of the eve since the dc went to bed which admittedly is an over reaction but I'm presuming it's also due to tiredness and loneliness and a feeling that we've failed.

He was around so so so much during her early years :(

OP posts:

Serenitysutton · 25/11/2011 12:49

My dad never came to a school thing. Hes a builder and that sort of thing would've been the wifes job. I don't remember other dads there either.

cryhavoc · 25/11/2011 12:51

barbielovesken your DD sounds very sensible. She has accepted how things are, and I daresay would be thrilled if your DH was able to attend. Far better for her to have this attitude than to be in tears because of it.

My DH is currently deployed abroad (forces). DD is 3 - she hadn't seen her daddy since Halloween and won't see him again until a week after she turns 4 at the end of February. So far she has accepted this cheerfully - as far as she is concerned Daddy is on an adventure, and we will see him 'in a long time'. I would much prefer this than tears and upset. I suppose that makes us 'one of those families', but I had a fair idea of what I was signing up for when I married him. To counter the time he spends away I work and from home and study part time. The plan is that when he is in a position to be based at home, with 8-5 hours, I will be qualified as a solicitor and the childcare burden will shift.

porcamiseria · 25/11/2011 13:04

cailan, I think its the first time its happended so whilst I accept I will miss his concert and I have valid reasons why, I still struggle with it a bit

and I agree with what you say. making time for your kids is so so important and I think its regardless whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM really.

some people do, and some people dont!!!!

WilsonFrickett · 25/11/2011 13:31

we live in a society that values money above all else is complete tommy rot. Some people may, some people do not and actually, I don't know anyone that does. Some people may value achievement, some people who were brought up in sometimes quite horrendous poverty may value security. But that's not really about valuing money. I have gone hungry as a child. My child will not. And if that means me or DH miss the odd school concert, so be it.

ssd · 26/11/2011 09:28

op, kids wont remember if you miss the odd event

if you miss them all they will remember, but the odd one, no

molly3478 · 26/11/2011 09:34

My husband comes to all nursery/school thinsg including parties, plays etc. he also does all maternity appointments for both kids and everything else we go together. He gets to do this though as he has a low paid job

pommedechocolat · 26/11/2011 09:35

One of those families where the dh works hard to support them?

Seriously, op, this is not a big deal. My dad made it to no primary school performances as they were during the day and he worked. When it was secondary school evening performances he came as he wasn't at work. I have always adored him and my childhood.

One parent at an Xmas play at 6 years old is fine. Honestly.

TheSecondComing · 26/11/2011 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LennyGodber · 26/11/2011 09:52

barbie if your DP is doing really well with the music might he be able to ditch the day job at some point? that is something to focus on, he will be around more for DC then. And as they get older they will love going to watch him play. Sounds like you are just knackered - could you manage a holiday at home for a couple of days, both take some time off and just relax?

Proudnscary · 26/11/2011 11:07

Hmmm. I feel for you OP. I think it's a shame your dh is away so very much. And that's coming from a FT working mum.

The difference being I always go to school plays/assemblies even if it take a little white lie marching out of the office with a serious face claiming to be on the way to a high power business meeting because it's so important to me and of course I have a job that allows me to do so (one way or another!).

I know we all have issues and difficulties and sometimes we can't always be there for dc. But this sounds really extreme. I understand he has a great opportunity and a job that's hardly 9-5 but I think he will regret this in future if he sees this little of the dc.

aldiwhore · 26/11/2011 11:23

Its very hard to achieve a middle ground and work/life balance. Many jobs require you to do stupidly long hours and though many people would be happy doing a couple of hours less per week the option simply isn't there.

We have a choice, we either take the work that comes in or we don't get any money. This can mean that DH is often away for weeks at a time. It would be LOVELY to be able to say "This is crazy, do one less day per week" but its not an option.

On the other hand I am extremely lucky in that there are long periods in the year where work is very slow so although our lifestyle is very much feast or famine, DH is also often around a lot of the time, the downside of him being around is that we're skint!

Our lack of routine workwise makes it very difficult for me to find a regular job, and thinking of the copied behaviour of a previous poster's child and the laptop, my youngest walks around the house with his toy phone attached to his ear a lot, just like his daddy has to do. Its a guilt trip in itself BUT you cannot kick yourself because like every good parent who's ever been, you do what you need to do.

My parents worked very long hours when I was young, but our time together was quality. Yes I would have liked more time with them (and them me) but I always knew why they were putting the hours in and why. There is a danger that too many working hours can become simply too much and damaging (regardless of the wages) but mostly its more about a parent's feelings of guilt than any 'damage' for the child.

OP chin up, you're doing what you must, and what you feel is normal. If you have the chance to ever cut back a little, then do, but until then reassure your kids every day and be honest with them. Hopw lovely would it be for Daddy to be in the audience! Your dd is a realist she's just notgetting her hopes up and that is actually better than an empty promise. x

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