To resent my husband for not making enough money?

[Mummy252]

I'm on maternity leave with our first baby, love being a mummy so much and I do love my husband to bits but I am also feeling very resentful towards him.
We've been together 10yrs since we were very young, he's from a good family and works for the family business, has since we met. His family are financially comfortable, mums a "lady that lunches" and has never worked.
We always planned for me to work but also wanted a family. With the recession etc his business isn't doing too well but it hasn't stopped his parents going on 6 holidays a year whilst he continues to work 6/7 days a week and earns half what I do. A lot if the income is from dividends and his dad and grandparents still own 90% of the shares, he has 3%. He says there's nothing they can do its hard for all of them but I am hugely resentful that I'm having to go back to work full time and leave my gorgeous baby because his parents won't give him a fair share of the business. His mum saw all her children grow up, I'm happy to work and understand this recession has hit lots of ppl but I just feel cheated because I always expected him to at least match what I earned,not have me as the major breadwinner. I want to be a mummy like we always planned and ideally go back 3 days a week but I can't because of our financial situation.
He doesn't see why it upsets me because he works 50-60 hour weeks and has about 3 weeks holiday a year whereas I'm a teacher get long holidays etc. he does work very hard but financially he isn't bringing in anything like we expected so I feel a lot of the financial burden has fallen to me.
I know we live in an equal society but I want to be a mummy, I don't want equality, I want time with my little baby!

Sounds like you resent the in laws more than your husband, and it is them you should take it up with. Is he earning a salary? 50-60 hours a week at minimum wage is still a liveable wage...

Not fair. Could he find a different job and see if they can up his wage?sou ds like they take his work for granted as he is family.

To be honest I think I thought that once we had a family of our own his family would give him a fairer share but it's definitely not happening and he says there's nothing he can do. He isn't academic and has no other skills than to do what he does. He does earn a liveable wage, like I said I don't mind working but would like to drop to 3 days a week, if I dropped to 3 I'd still earn slightly more and I'd be willing to go to 4 as a compromise so I'd still be the bigger earner. The difference is I'm willing to give up nice cars and some of the luxuries we enjoy now to have that time whereas he doesn't want to. I don't think he really even realises how much he spends, it's far more than I do but he grew up having all that stuff and has never not had it whereas I grew up with not a lot.
I guess I just feel like if that stuffs important to him then he should go earn the money for it but don't expect me to give up what I want.
I know he works hard but so do lots of people, if he can't earn more then I feel like he should just accept our lifestyle will have to change to accommodate what I want. I just can't get him to see it from my point of view.
My mum suggested that i start only putting in to the "bills" account what he does as at the minute we just put virtually everything in it so our savings are all together, if I matched his total salary each month and kept the rest in my account I'd save a small fortune each month, my mum suggested that if that was all that was in the account maybe he would realise its my money he has spent on cars etc.
I feel like this is a pretty harsh step, we are a team and a partnership and have always worked together, what's mine is yours etc. it's just hard at the minute when I feel I'm not getting what I want at all but he is.

Can you husband use the birth of his child as a point to re-negotiate his working relationship?

Very difficult to rock the boat when biz is all about family though. Does he have any siblings involved in the business? Or is it just him, father and grandfather?

Personally I think it sucks having to go back full time when your baby is tiny.

Try not to take your resentment out on your dh though. I suspect he's not too happy with the situation either it must be pretty hard for him to be working long hours and still earning a small amount. Or does he have eyes on inherriting the whole lot when father etc get too old?

Do his parents REALLY go on 6 hols a year whilst the biz is struggling? I find that very odd indeed.

Sorry Xpost.

I think you need to do this.

Draw up a spreadsheet so he see's EXACTLY what is being spent by the whole household each month. Do at least 3 months worth - boring, will take you a day trawling through bank statements but is a real eye opener.

Then list exactly what he contributes and what you contribute.

Put down in writing EXACTLY what you want to happen and how it will be workable ie your new 3 (or 4 day a week salary) of $xxxx and how you can make the savings ie Sell a car or whatever you think will make it work.

Then put it to him.

If he still refuses to 'let' you work part time for a year or 2 tell him to get stuffed perhaps you could ask him when he envisages things will change for him.

was going to write "that's life, we can't always have what we want" BUT it seems that you DH is forcing you to go back to work full time to fund HIS luxury lifestyle? Is that what is happening here?

in that case, yes, do as Claudia says, and if needs be, YOU take charge of finances and get them under control

Yep they certainly do, or at least his mum
Does! By "struggling" they mean not doing as well as it used to.they all went private schools, parents house is worth about 800,000 at least, went on 2 holidays a year as kids to Florida, on cruises etc. so what they mean is it "isn't providing the same lifestyle" it once did quite so easily. The 5 star hotels and premium economy seats on planes may have gone out the window for now but it's not exactly a tough life for his parents.
Don't get me wrong we have a nice lifestyle too at the moment, I'm
A head of key stage and he earns an ok sum but I don't think it matters what you earn, if you want to drop to part time you have to give stuff up,it's just we'd have to give up a lot more than some because it's my wages that give us all the luxuries.
I can drop to 3days, match his wages without any trouble (providing School let me but that's another issue) but it means giving stuff like his car up which he isn't willing to do. I'm not wanting him to provide for me and look after me financially, I just don't want to be looking after him, if that makes sense.
He believes he will get his share in the future when the previous generation retire, and I do think he will at some point but for now this is the situation. In 5 years he might make all the money in the world, hell we might win the lottery, but it won't give me this time with my baby back, she will be 5 and off to school.
We do want another baby, prob start trying next year when I return to work from mat leave so I don't know wether to just say I will stick it out until baby no2 arrives and then just say tough shit to him, it's my life and this is what I want out of it, if you want another sports car you can go earn it. But again I know he works as hard as he can and I know it is going to kill me every day to leave my little one.

not sure relevance of the Mil being 'a lady that lunches'.
You do seem resentful of the in laws.
He does seem a bit selfish. Time for a sit down and thrash it out session

I was all ready to come on and post that YAdefinitelyBU.
But having read your post I see where you are coming from. You don't need to work full time to pay the bills and to just get by. So why would you?
Have you explained to your DH that there will always be more cars & stuff in the future but you will never get this time back with your baby.
TBH I would leave out his family business circumstances and just concentrate on the fact that you can afford to work part time but if he still wants his luxuries then he must negotiate a pay rise.
I know you say he works hard, but then so do you and I imagine it will be even harder as a full time teacher with a small DC.
Also, you say he will "get his share" in the future. No-one knows what will happen in the future. You can plan plan plan and it still might go tits up.
Sorry if this is garbled. Its late/early (I've lost track!) and DC has decided not to sleep!

That kind of is what's happening but I don't think he sees it. We always planned to have a nice lifestyle and we have everything we want, but it's me that's earning enough to maintain it and I don't want to maintain it anymore if that makes sense. My priorities have changed, he doesn't see why I can't work full time because compared to the hours he puts in "I'm a part tuner anyway."
He sees things through "hours spent working" and I fully admit he already works harder than me so I guess he thinks why should I only work 3 days a week when he has to work stupid hours.
I see it as its not my fault he doesn't earn enough to maintain the lifestyle he wants without me working full time. It's not my fault he has to work long hours, I worked hard to get a job that pays well, I know he did too but it's not my fault he hasn't seen the financial rewards yet.

We both went into our relationship with a clear idea of our future. His financial situation hasn't panned out yet so he wants us both to keep working until it does whereas I want to go without until it does. I'm not angry or upset he doesn't earn more, he can't help that, I just don't want that to effect what I want in life.
As someone said "you can't have everything" but it's what we give up that's causing an issue, I want to give up lifestyle, he wants to give up my time with the kids. To be fair the latter doesn't effect him, he doesn't get to see her if she's in nursery or with me so I get it's a purely selfish decision but it's what I want. I can earn more money but I don't want to, he can't but wants to work as hard as he can. It's not a nice situation but I just don't know how to sort it without either giving up what I want or totally imams lusting him by sitting him down with the figures and telling him I'm not supporting him anymore. I don't think he realises I do. He's the "man of the house" and most ppl assume it's him that provides all the nice stuff, no one knows it's me really and I think that's the other thing, if we can't "keep up with the jones" because I've gone part time then it'll look like he can't provide for his family, again immasculatinf him which I don't want.

I think the Mil being a 'lady that lunches is relevant' as the OP sees that the MiL lived /lives off the family business as her husband has the larger portion of shares while the OP has to go back to work, not be with her baby.

He's the "man of the house" and most ppl assume it's him that provides all the nice stuff, no one knows it's me really and I think that's the other thing, if we can't "keep up with the jones" because I've gone part time then it'll look like he can't provide for his family, again immasculatinf him which I don't want.
Does he have a problem other people knowing that you earn more than him? Why?
With all due respect you can have all these plans and clear ideas on the future but the one thing you can't plan on is how your feelings change once you have your little baby in your arms.
But what if his financial situation never pans out? What if he delays TTC and its all for nothing? You could be exactly where you are now but in 10years time still having the same arguement. There is no such thing as a sure thing. He needs to deal with the situation as it is now not what it might be in a few years time.

Sorry have just reread your last post. So he wants you to give up time with your baby to buy luxuries (not bills, not neccessities) that he can pretend he paid for in order to "keep up with Jones?" And he can't see how ridiculous that is?

On a side note, you are a mother, not a "mummy". Don't belittle yourself.

He's always had these things, either provided by his parents or by our joint income. We've never seperated our salaries since living together so "we" maintained that lifestyle. It's only really as I have gained promotion etc that the discrepancy between our salaries has become so apparent, and I guess now we disagree on how to spend it. I never cared that he had posh cars or went on silly expensive nights out, I had everything I wanted so if he wanted to buy stuff, fine, it never bothered me.
Now everytime he spends anything I want to tell him off and say you can spend what you like once I've got what I want, which again seems harsh but it's reality and it's a reality he isn't seeing for himself. I have a few more months of maternity leave so maybe I will suggest that we go through the finances together or something. I will only have 1 term before summer So maybe I can say I will see how I feel but if I don't like it I will put in for part time. Then at least I will have tried it for him?
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think?

And I do think the fact the mother in law is a "lady that lunches " is relevant because her children are all grown up and she was there every day, personally I feel like they should maybe have a few less holidays and perhaps share their fortune with their sons. I don't see how she can watch me and my sister in law be forced back to work when she is still living a very luxurious life.
If I wanted her to go without so we could go jetting off then thatd be wrong but I don't, I think they should share fairly what they were given by my husbands grandparents with their sons and their families.
Like I said they went through private schools and had the best of everything without her ever working, I don't understand why they wouldn't want to allow my husband to provide some of that life he had for his own family. And before anyone says, no I wouldn't want my daughter to go to a private school, but I'm just making the point that her kids had everything including time with her.

So for x amount of years he has had what he wants then now surely its time to have what you want? Which isn't actually all that much. Just a bit longer at home with your DC. You're not talking about quitting work altogether just going down to a 3 day week.
I'm not a teacher so have no idea but if your DC is in nursery how easy (as a full time teacher) is it to get time off for christmas plays/sports days? (yes I know its nursery but they all seem to do it these days)
Can you imagine saying to yourself/your DC that you can't attend because I have to go to work, not to pay the bills, but to pay for daddy's car that he doesn't really need.

Budget budget budget.

Honestly it's so dreary but it's true. MAKE A LIST. Don't wait for him to sit down and go through the finances with you. Get it down in b & w now then present it to him as a "these are our essential outgoings" (mortgage, food, petrol, bills etc) and "these are luxuries" nights out, flash cars, holidays etc. And ask how he expects all this to be funded.

When my dds were born I was lucky enough to be able to have time with them as babies and went back to work when youngest was 1. I know I was extremely fortunate to be able to do this but as a family we did it by TIGHTENING OUR BELTS. It was tough(ish) but we agreed to do it for the wee baybeeees (and me).

You say he has no idea about the amount your salary props up the whole family (nowt wrong with that later on) so perhaps once it's there in the open he can't kid himself that he's the big provider. And also maybe give you a big pat on the back for making a success of your career.

Also I know this is hugely controversial but I do feel small babies do best with mum at home as long as is possible.

also, does he realise that if you put your DD in full time childcare, that is going to cost a lot. Unless you ask his mum to look after her

Also I know this is hugely controversial but I do feel small babies do best with mum at home as long as is possible.
But OPs DH isn't saying that DC would be better off in nursery and OP isn't saying that she feels DC would be better off at home.
OP wants to be at home with her baby and can afford to do it if only her DH would give up luxuries that he pretends he pays for.
Claudia I agree with you by the way about babies being better off at home but only if the financial side allows it. Which in this case they do.
Surely a non arguement? Baby happy, mum happy, dad has to give up his car.

Yabvvvu! You talk as if by default he should earn fantastic money and you should "prop up" financially.

If it's so bad, shorten your maternity leave for one of the fantastically elwell paid jobs that are so readily available at the moment.

hairylights OP is saying that they can afford to cut back on luxuries so that she can be at home with her DC a little longer. How is that BU?
He calls OP a part timer despite her working ful time just because she doesn't work as many hours as him.
OP isn't saying that her DH has to find another job, more that if he wants to continue in the life that he has become accustomed to via his parents and now his DW then maybe he should look at his own contribution.

It sounds as if your DH does not have his eyes fully open to the amount you are contributing to/taking out of the family versus the amount he is contributing/taking out. You need to renegotiate this rather than let it all simmer.

hairylights, I think you need to read a few more posts rather than the first one.

rather than JUST the first one