To resent my husband for not making enough money?

[Mummy252]

I'm on maternity leave with our first baby, love being a mummy so much and I do love my husband to bits but I am also feeling very resentful towards him.
We've been together 10yrs since we were very young, he's from a good family and works for the family business, has since we met. His family are financially comfortable, mums a "lady that lunches" and has never worked.
We always planned for me to work but also wanted a family. With the recession etc his business isn't doing too well but it hasn't stopped his parents going on 6 holidays a year whilst he continues to work 6/7 days a week and earns half what I do. A lot if the income is from dividends and his dad and grandparents still own 90% of the shares, he has 3%. He says there's nothing they can do its hard for all of them but I am hugely resentful that I'm having to go back to work full time and leave my gorgeous baby because his parents won't give him a fair share of the business. His mum saw all her children grow up, I'm happy to work and understand this recession has hit lots of ppl but I just feel cheated because I always expected him to at least match what I earned,not have me as the major breadwinner. I want to be a mummy like we always planned and ideally go back 3 days a week but I can't because of our financial situation.
He doesn't see why it upsets me because he works 50-60 hour weeks and has about 3 weeks holiday a year whereas I'm a teacher get long holidays etc. he does work very hard but financially he isn't bringing in anything like we expected so I feel a lot of the financial burden has fallen to me.
I know we live in an equal society but I want to be a mummy, I don't want equality, I want time with my little baby!

I feel like they should maybe have a few less holidays and perhaps share their fortune with their sons

I'm surprise no-one has picked up on that comment.

Take the fact it is a family business out of the equation. If he were working for another company would he be entitled to a massive payrise to facilitate you staying at home? Because I see my husbands boss (who has an enormous amount of holidays and wealth) falling off his chair laughing and telling him to go get another job if he wandered in with that!

The father and grandfather have invested time, money and effort building up their business. Exactly why should they give it away before they wish to (presumably) retire?

if we can't "keep up with the jones" because I've gone part time then it'll look like he can't provide for his family, again immasculatinf him which I don't want

You are coming across as really shallow.

Clearly you have liked maintaining the facade of an affluent lifestyle. Time to join the real world now and cut your cloth accordingly. Give up the fancy cars (which you have spent money on rather than the holidays your ILs have) and all the other trappings then you can be a SAHP

"Give up the fancy cars (which you have spent money on rather than the holidays your ILs have) and all the other trappings then you can be a SAHP"

I think that's the point though, Troisgarcons. The OP is more than happy to cut back on all the luxury items to allow her to stay at home; it's her DH who doesn't want to change his lifestyle, which he seems to have only due to the amount OP earns, not because of what he brings in.

I'm not asking my dh to change anything except his spending habits/ expectations for holidays etc. I'm not asking him
To work more or kick up a big fuss with his family over more money, I'm asking him to understand that the stuff we were working so hard for isn't important to me anymore, having time with my baby is. I know he wants to give our baby the lovely life he had but my choice would be to forgo some of those things in order for me to have the luxury of time with her.
It's just not nice because my husband doesn't really see things from my point of view because he has always worked rediculous long hours so can't understand why I would want to give up all our nice things to get more time off. It's a situation where only 1 side can win, I can either do what I want, put in for part time and he will have to lump it, or I can continue working to provide the life we admittedly both always wanted but forfeit time with my baby which is not something I particually want to do.
I don't know what BU means, but I am really just trying to air my thoughts perhaps to run things through in my own mind and try to see what my options are and perhaps help me decide how to deal with a tricky situation.

To be honest, if your DH is earning half your teacher's salary for a 60/70 hour week when he has been working for several years, he is being ripped off!

What do you earn? £40 K to his £20 K? I think you need to talk money with your DH and your inlaws.

And just to add as I said his grandparents still work in the business so if they hadn't "given" some of the business they worked hard to establish away to their sons/daughters then my in laws would not have had their lifestyle, they'd still be earning the same as my husband and the grandparents could be living extremely well!
But they didn't, they gave their children a share in the business and all worked and prospered together. My husband has worked as I have said very hard for that business for over 15years now, a family business should be about sharing and helping each other when needed, I personally think its sad that his patents generation cannot step back in the same way their patents did for them.
And trust me their cats aren't bad either!

I earn 46k, part from my salary and I also tutor and do exam marking, both of which I intend to continue to do as I can do them from home when it suits me and little one is asleep. Currently dh brings in about 20k. If I dropped 2 days I would still earn about 30k a year, in honesty if I stay full time and with little one I may not be able to continue the level of tutoring/marking I do now so the real loss may not even be that much.

OP, how many other siblings are involved in the business along with your DH? Can all of them meet up with your PILs and GPILs and thrash out a new future? Or is that just a hopelessly naive suggestion?

Also, do your PILs really understand how much you earn and how little your DH earns? They might well be stuck in a time warp and have no idea about the size of mortgages, the average house price, the average wage. Do they realise how little your DH earns in relation to a teacher? Could you have that conversation with them?

You need to have a frank conversation with your DH and then call his parents' bluff by telling them (together) that your DH is going to give up work to take care of your DD because his wages don't even cover the cost of childcare. You will be able to measure what your DH means to them in financial terms... which will give you some negotiating power, IMVHO!

Yes, Bonsoir, that is an excellent idea . It is what many couples might do, given the mismatch in incomes. It might well be enough to make the PILs realise how little they are recognising the OP's DH's workload.

Bonsoir, I'm a teacher and that's exactly what we did. He worked part-time from home and was a SAHD, because of the income disparity.
It worked very well when the children were small.

If your DH worked in a business that wasn't a family one, I'm willing to bet he'd be on a higher income. Are all of his earnings from dividends? He should ask for a salary - that way he doesn't actually increase his share (which may be more palatable) although will have to pay more tax. Either way - it being a family business means he can ask - especially as he has a child now.

Your mum is right OP, you should put in am equal share so he can see what money goes where.

Also I feel like your DH lacks respect towards you and your job. Your feelings of resentment need to be sorted asap - he probably resents you too for earning more than him (hence the him working harder comments etc). Not on on both sides. This is about more than luxury items.

I think your problem is bringing the in laws into this

Your situation is actually perfectly normal for many families. Mum and dad, both equally capable of earning, both needing to earn. Its only the fact that your FIL owns a business and brought up your dh with many luxuries that has 'given you a taste' indirectly, of this sort of life.

Tbh I don't think you should blame your dh. As long as he's being paid a fair wage, there is no reason why it should be so much that you can stop work or go part time. He clearly puts in a lot of hours and is a grafter.

The problem is that you rather naively expected your inaws to hand over loads of shares or cash when you became parents, and subsidise a nice lifestyle for you simply because they have a lot of money. That is unreasonable of you. At the end of the day it's their money. You will no doubt benefit a lot through inheritance one day, but there's no reason why they ought to give you it now.

As for your MIL being a lady who lunches, living totally off her husbands grafting-well, I cant think of anything more dull and uninspiring - hardly a great role model. Stop comparing yourselves with the inlaws. You are a couple in your own right.

Ps I totally agree that your dh should not put up with being ripped off though. He shouldn't necessarily tell his parents he's giving up work though - there is no indication from the op that he wants to be a SAHP. What he should do, is look around for other jobs in the same field, and sell his skills to the highest bidder. If he's worth more, then it'll get the message across to he in laws that he's better off working for someone elses company. Tbh that will be the real test of whether he's being taken advantage of.

callmemrs - how can the OP reasonable omit the in laws from this conversation when they are (a) her DH's employer (b) not paying him a living wage?

Why don't you take MIL out to lunch and try to raise the subject discreetly and tactfully ie not in a confrontational way but saying that you need to review options because your family circumstances have changed and that one of those options is DH staying at home with DD. I agree with other posters that the cost of childcare is such that you probably do have to consider this as a serious option, in any event. I am getting the impression that DH is quite a passive individual and won't do anything himself to effect change: but it's possible to be assertive without being aggressive.

Perhaps the bigger issue is that you apprear to be losing respect for DH. Despite your own successful career, deep down you appear to consider that it is a husband's job to be a good provider. I am not saying that this is wrong, but the world has moved on and many women are the main breadwinners these days.

If they aren't paying him a living wage, then as I say, he needs to sell his skills to someone who will. Unless there is a back story here, and the dh isn't actually very skilled, and is being cushioned in a family business in a way he wouldn't be in the open market, then he shouldn't put up with it. I am simply saying he shouldn't feel he has to approach them 'threatening' to give up work completely- there is no indication he wants to.

The op would do well to try to disengage from the wider issue of the inlaws though. Their money, their lifestyle choice. And as I say, there is nothing to necessarily be envious of that the wife lunches and plans her next holiday all year!

Sort out the issue of whether dh is being taken advantage of. If he is, deal with that. But the op and her dh are their own family unit and shouldn't look to the inlaws to be giving hand outs.

I think he should look at becoming a SAHD. 60 hours a week for 20k a year is crap.

That was going to be my question, would his role be worth more somewhere else or is he (for want of a better term) unskilled? If the latter then presumably he is relying on the fact it us a family business and keeping his head down, earning only what he would be capable of on the open market and just waiting for when he takes over?

However, his attitude to joint spending sucks. If he can't be talked to (I'd be pretty horrified if DH's and my priorities differed so hugely over something such as children) then I like your mum's idea.

What Ninky said. You need to think through exactly why your dh is earning this pitiful sum for such long hours- is it because he has no qualifications or because he wouldn't be capable of getting qualifications if he tried or because he is being taken advantage of? If he worked for somebody else, there would be some kind of ladder of progression and the opportunity to negotiate his salary.

Aren't there two issues here?

Firstly, whether you should work part time or full time. I agree with others that it is best addressed through budgeting. Work out two alternative budgets, including childcare and see what the difference is. Make sure you look at net figures after tax. I can see the merit in saving the difference for a while to see how you'd cope. If 3 days plus marking/exams covers the bills and gives you a small safety net, then I can see why you should talk to school about going part time.

The second issue is whether your husband is sufficiently well rewarded in work. I think he has to address this. If it weren't a family business you wouldn't dream of getting involved. If he finds out you've talked to MiL, wouldn't that be emasculating?

Is he being paid the market rate for his work? If not, is that compensated for by shares/options/future interest in the business? Are those things guaranteed or just likely? My DH earned less than the value of his work for several years because he had founded a company and was a share holder. He was happy to earn less than he could in another company because he will gain financially if his company does well.

The fact that you and your DH have had a baby, and that you would like to reduce your contribution to your household have no bearing on whether he gets a raw deal. If it's raised, it has to be a business case.

If the dh goes to the parents saying he'll give up work, I can't see how that helps. He is forced into being a SAHP (and the op gives no indication he wants that anyway) she will return to full time work and they have to then try to live on 20k less than they currently do.

The issue is about increasing his earning power or adjusting their lifestyle to fit a lower overall income.

My wording sounded like I was being derogatory perhaps, but that wasn't my intention.

60 hours a week for a gross salary of £20k looks like it's about minimum wage. Whether that's fair/competitive depends on what he's doing. Some industries do pay poorly compared to others.