To resent my husband for not making enough money?

[Mummy252]

I'm on maternity leave with our first baby, love being a mummy so much and I do love my husband to bits but I am also feeling very resentful towards him.
We've been together 10yrs since we were very young, he's from a good family and works for the family business, has since we met. His family are financially comfortable, mums a "lady that lunches" and has never worked.
We always planned for me to work but also wanted a family. With the recession etc his business isn't doing too well but it hasn't stopped his parents going on 6 holidays a year whilst he continues to work 6/7 days a week and earns half what I do. A lot if the income is from dividends and his dad and grandparents still own 90% of the shares, he has 3%. He says there's nothing they can do its hard for all of them but I am hugely resentful that I'm having to go back to work full time and leave my gorgeous baby because his parents won't give him a fair share of the business. His mum saw all her children grow up, I'm happy to work and understand this recession has hit lots of ppl but I just feel cheated because I always expected him to at least match what I earned,not have me as the major breadwinner. I want to be a mummy like we always planned and ideally go back 3 days a week but I can't because of our financial situation.
He doesn't see why it upsets me because he works 50-60 hour weeks and has about 3 weeks holiday a year whereas I'm a teacher get long holidays etc. he does work very hard but financially he isn't bringing in anything like we expected so I feel a lot of the financial burden has fallen to me.
I know we live in an equal society but I want to be a mummy, I don't want equality, I want time with my little baby!

Will dh be the heir to the business? If so then the in laws are probably merrily thinking that he will get well rewarded for his loyalty to the business in good time.

ZillionChocolate talks sense.

Also lots of others.

callmemrs - the OP doesn't want a luxury lifestyle, her dh does. Hence her having to work. If she didn't work, they'd e fine but her dh wouldnt get all the flash stuff. OP thinks if he wants it he should fund it - fair enough IMO. but he won't and makes derogatory remarks about her job and hours.

Inheriting the business in 50 years (the grandparents are still working in the business today) isn't really an acceptable trade off for sufering now, when childcare is needed and is expensive. He works full time and 3% of the business nets him £20k a year. That means if all shareholders are being paid this way there is serious money in the business. He should not have to work 70 hours a week for so little. I think you need to scope out whether this situation is likely to change, firstly by talking to dh about his expectations and potentially by him consulting the parents/ grandparents. I don't think this is really acceptable.

I think you have to separate the two issues:

1. Whether you go part-time, and the two of you decide to forgo certain luxuries to make this happen
2. Whether your husband is under-paid, and has the power to do anything about it.

I think your plan of both putting the same in the joint account has some merit. Not in a 'I'm not putting in more than you' way, but as a way of saving some money as an extra cushion for when the baby comes, and to see how feasible it is to live on less. I do think it needs to match with a budget though - or else your husband will have justification to say you obviously can't live on it so it isn't feasible.

I guess the hard thing is that from what you're saying, he genuinely doesn't seem to see your view that more time with a small baby/child is more 'valuable' than a fancy car etc. If he genuinely believes he will inherit the business etc then maybe you can persuade him that the time for fancy cars and the like will come later? The thing is, his parents and grandparents are used to a particular lifestyle now too....they may all intend live for a considerable time on very generous pensions from the business, and not hand over more shares to your DH for a long time.

FWIW my DH loves fancy cars - and had one before we had kids. Right now I'm a SAHM and we have a 10-year-old very un-fancy car. It just isn't our priority right now.

So if my sums are correct, 3% = 20,000ukp remaining 97% of biz is worth 646,000UKP/year, not bad for the other shareholders really is it?

Although my maths is shit so am prepared to accept I've made a mistake.

Mind you, that's not really the point, but it may be worth considering. Or poss not as that way HUGE resentment can build up.

I think YANBU to want to be a part time mother for a while, especially if the only thing that racking back hurts is his toys.

One thing you probably need to establish is his worth in the market and how far he is off a fair wage, if he is close to it then you probably have very little grounds to argue except thenext generation also need to be taken care of now.

With family businesses the bad and good news is that these things are seldom run on economically rational lines.

DH has to man up and tell his parents he needs more money as kids ain't free, or accept a lower level lifestyle.

One thing is for sure though - you don't need to subsidise his family.

For your dh, being in a position where he works 6/7 days a week for only a 3% share of the business is a really weak position to be in. It might be that he's being used, or it might be that his family has always done it that way and have got by because 3% of whatever it was in the 70s was a lot, and it isn't now.

Anyway he needs to get some skills. Study a bit in the evenings. Otherwise he might end us being held to ransom by whoever runs the business, big family rift, and end up with almost nothing for all that work. Get him to plot out an alternative future with you and work out what he needs to take on to make himself less vulnerable.

His salary will be the £20k, the 3% of profits are likely to be much much less.

Am quite surprised at the comments that DH not earning living wage, and it being ridiculous of parents to expect him to do those hours.

If you want to inherit a business (or even establish a business) you make all the investment upfront - you put the time in and struggle financially for the first few years. You work your way up and take over when you're ready. I cannot see anything wrong with that kind of investment.

The only problem is that the DH is not cutting his cloth accordingly. He is living beyond his means. Just because he has made that decision for the his own working arrangements doesn't mean he can dictate the working decisions his wife makes.

It's a simple, unemotional business-type conversation to have. "You make £20k, whereas if you did those hours somewhere else you could make more. I accept that. I make £30k now as a part timer though I know I could make more. If you justify why I need to make sacrifices that affect my relationship with my baby when you are unwilling to make sacrifices that affect your spending habits and car habits, then we can talk about it again. Otherwise this is our new budget, and the car gets sold"

The resentment you have toward your in-laws is a whole other thread. They are who they are and run the business their way, you take it or leave it. You never know - once their DS explains that he is flogging the car because he can't afford it, they may even start thinking about what they are paying him.

Did the £20k come from the OP? I thought it was a guestimate from another poster.

OP - neither your DH nor you should hold your breath on his coming in to the family business when the oldies pass on. They could live for ages, and are doing nicely paying your DH very little. When the business gets 60-70 hours a week for very little, where's the incentive for them to change the status quo?

You need union. Oh, hang on...

Agree with lots of posters above. I think there are several issues at hand.

1. If he is not being paid the market rate for the job he does, and isn't being compensated for that in some other way (formalised share package for the future, bonuses etc) then he needs to have a simple discussion with whoever is in charge and tell them that needs to change. He needs to do that while actively looking for another job.
2. I do have some sympathy for him in the sense that I believe it is more about equality of effort than equality of earnings. I think YABU to want him to earn more if he can't do that, but YANBU if he can.
3. You both need to be on the same page as to what you want for your DD. if as her mother you believe that the right thing for her is to have more time with you, then you both must recognise the implications of that in terms of your reduced income. Your DH needs to grow up.
4. Is there another agenda here? My XH was like this, demanded that I return to work full time when DS was 6 months old in order to maintain a lifestyle. I earned more than he did and he slagged me off to his parents as an unfit mother for working (which they agreed with) on the one hand, while refusing to earn more himself on the other. Your DH may be trying to keep a foot in both camps as it were.

StillSquiffy Thu 24-Nov-11 08:58:34

"If you want to inherit a business (or even establish a business) you make all the investment upfront - you put the time in and struggle financially for the first few years. You work your way up and take over when you're ready. I cannot see anything wrong with that kind of investment."

Squiffy, from the OPs posts the dh has been working in this business for at least 10 years; he is not a young lad just starting out in the world. If I had worked 60/70 hours a week for over 10 years and was still only earning 20k, I would start wondering if I was in the right job tbh.

I think this is time to take stock of what he is getting from the family business, what he can expect to get in the future and what he could get elsewhere. I suspect part of the problem is it is the family business, so far harder to have the kind of discussion re career progression you might have in a different kind of business.

Btw I think that the way the parents etc run the business is relevant, as in the long rn DH wants a business to inherit, and they may be extracting more money for themselves now than they should.

It does sound like his family have him over a barrel but despite the long hours he's probably relatively comfortable with it all so I can understand your frustration.

If he's a spendthrift definitely start by only put in the joint account that which is needed to pay bills, else the resentment you feel about having to work full time at the expense of being a SAHM will be amplified by him wasting the money you are earning.

You mention that you can afford "the luxuries" and cars etc... if being a SAHM is of paramount importance I do think the way forward is to drop your hours and make savings in those areas to compensate. I know you say he "isn't prepared to compromise" but this is a very important key issue that needs addressing now.

It IS worth taking a stand over - as time goes on working full time and parenting around the edge is going to be hard work so you're going to be increasingly knackered and resentful if this situation goes on, not least as there is some wiggle room in your finances to make the difference.

I have only skimmed this but you are on 46k, dh is on c23k. He works long hours for the family business which is worth a lot and he has 3% equity but the business has been hit hard by the recession. Am guessing you are both 30ish as you say together 10 years and very young when met. You have had a child and you want to go back to work part-time but this will have an impact on your lifestyle which DH is not supportive of. Add to that you see his parents living what you consider to be a luxury lifestyle. You have also said that DH is not academic and couldn't do anything else.

Have you thought that dh might not be contributing much in real terms to the business and that his family are still testing his commitment to the business and to you before they sign across any more equity/responsibility. TBH I think you need to keep your own career going in the event that this business fails at some point so that you have something substantial to fall back on. DH shouldn't be relying on you to provide a lifestyle but if he can't do anything else and the business isn't paying out there isn't much you can do about that.

You have come across as a little bit shallow here and do you think his parents might be thinking if we sign it across she'll be off with a divorce settlement and our ds will be left with nothing.

They key bit for me is where you said dh wasn't academic and couldn't do anything else. If he can't do anything else, aren't his familiy doing him a greatfavour by giving him a job and a salary at all?

I can't really understand your resentment because at heart you seem to know that you are the more capable in the relationship and it is unreasonable to expect dh to suddenly change now he has a child. He has had the trappings of a comfy lifestyle and is used to them but it must be pretty clear that he is not going to carve his own groove beyond the family business.

Tough for you, but I think you have to compromise with what you know you have for a happy future.

Stop being so hard on the OP! It's the other people who are well off - not her! Hramph.

OP - I don't think you are being remotely U. I get the sense that your DH blithely sails through life as the son of the family, buying what he wants, and is now entrenched in a lifetime of habit.

But it's only fair to both of you to point out that now it is you, not his family or wage, who is now underwriting his lifestyle - the one paying for the stuff he's got is you.

And that now you've got kids, who need supporting and bringing up, as opposed to subsiding for luxuries, you feel you have to do that. So you're feeling pressured to go part time.

Your real question seems to be: "How can I get my husband enough money to lay off begging me for stuff? While I'm trying to bring up the baby?"

I would turn the focus on to him solving that problem, not you. You might get something out of PIL but they'll be seeing every penny as their rightful pension, so I doubt it. Anyway, leave that to DH.

I think that your DH is being U in not being open to the idea of you going part-time, given that as a family you can afford it.

I also think that your DH is on around min wage and it would be worth checking out whether that would be the wage for his type of job if he were working somewhere else.

Well in fact there are a million sensible things you could do if your DH was being reasonable.

He's not being reasonable and that is the real problem. I find his quip about you being a part-timer even when you're working full-time because you don't do 70 hours a week really out of order. Working really long hours for little reward isn't something to aim for, I'm not sure why he is holding himself up as a great example there. Especially now there is a baby - most people look for work/life balance and higher rewards. Not really long hours for little reward.

So bottom line is I just can't understand where he is coming from. I would say that he should go part-time and you go full-time but neither of you want that.

Basically I think your idea is absolutely fine and I can't understand why he doesn't want to do it.

Who is doing the childcare? Does he even realise that (if you are paying) your take-home pay is not going to be anything like what it was before anyway?

I meant "if you are paying" as in not having a relative do it for free.

Not that it is your responsibility to pay for it out of your wages! I see your finances are pooled anyway so it's all much of a muchness.

there are lots of issues going on here. and at a time when ur hormones are all in a swirl. but i think you know what you want but are maybe not ready/confident enough to state it. Things have changed so much since MIL's days. My mum had those glorious five years off with two DC and then went back part time. It was drummed into me for a long time that this was the best situation for kids. But I ended up in a well-paid career that funded a large house move so when I had kids and my husband earned less than me I went back after 6-8 months both times. I did get a part-time deal (4 days, shorter hours), which helped enormously.
I sense that you don't mind working, and indeed I found it helped me be a happier mother, but that you don't want to work full time. I totally get that and I think you should stick to your principles. Work out what you want to work and start from there. You may have to repeat your desires quite a few times before others start to realise you are serious. They may not be used to this new you!
Don't wait till you have another as the resentment over spending will build and build in the meantime.
for the record, I totally admire women who want to spend as much of those early years with their little ones. But rest assured, going to work and putting children in good childcare has been a positive experience for my DC. My mother has since admitted that she resented women who worked when their DC were young. Maybe a lady who lunches isn't much fun if you don't have the money to lunch out!

Hmmm...it does sound to me OP as if your DH nees to grow up.

I know boy-men like this, born to wealthy families where they were spoiled rotten, then worked for the family business so have no experience of the outside world and what it entails. And yes, they always, somehow, want to maintian the lifestyle they had as a child. Uusally, they keep looking to Mummy and Daddy for handouts, but sometimes they look to their wives.

Your DH needs to understand that if he wants sports cars and expensive nights out then he needs to fund them. For now, you will not be earning a full time wage. He can do that by getting a job elsewhere, or renegotiating pay with his family. If he cannot do either of those things then he will need to cut his cloth accordingly.

OP your dh is being totally ripped off. The business needs a shake up so that he gets a far fairer share - inheriting the business is naff all use to you.

He needs to speak to his parents and grandparents thoroughly about this and see if an agreement can be made. He is propping them up with very long hours and taking a pittance. He is earning just below minimum wage and not even getting the same benefits as someone on minimum wage like 4 weeks paid holiday - NOT acceptable for a man with a family who has valuable experience and puts in such dedication, and has done for years.

He has to sort this out.

And waiting to inherit is a risky strategy. Who knows what it may be worth in ten, twety years time.
I knew someone who inherited a string of pubs...and we all know how they are performing these days.
I also know someone who inherited a small steel factory. It had almost no resale value.

OP - your DH is being ripped off, but if he's only worked for the family firm he might not realise to what extent. If you are a teacher earning double his wage, then realisitically he is going to be on about the £20k mark, as others have said, for those hours he's earning minimum wage, could he reallly not get a minimum wage job elsewhere?

I'd suggest you price up childcare, put it against your job and how much he brings in each month, suggest he is a SAHD or you both go part time (surely that would be the most economical solution). If his parents won't allow him to go part time within the firm, you could work out his hourly rate (which if above minimum wage, won't be much more) and suggest he looks for a part time job at that level. He'd probably earn more from shop work and be a lot less stressed.

Your PIL might not get that they are massively exploiting their son, if he's in a responsible job in the family firm (looking at those hours, I'm guessing he is) then if they employed someone external to the family to do the job, they'd not get away with paying minimum wage.

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but from your posts, your DH earns £20k a year for 60-70 hours work a week, and has been working in the family business for 15 years?

If that's correct, his hourly salary is £5.92 for the average of 65 hours a week. National Miniumu Wage is £6.08 if you're over the age of 21, and if he works in London, the London Living Wage is £8.30

Can any posters on here tell me that for those long hours, and for the number of years he's been at the business, they think that's fair remuneration?

OP, it sounds like your DH isn't actually bothered with what he earns because it "family" and because one day, long long from now, he's get "something" from the business.

Perhaps if you put is wages into perspective (i.e. his parents are actually paying him less than is legally required in this country for the hours he works) then he might be more inclined to speak with them?

If not, I agree that a quiet lunch with MIL is in order. At this lunch, you can tell her that, with a heavy heart, you're going to have to put your LO in childcare and go back to work full time, and that your DH may need to give up working as his salary, being under NMW, isn't enough to cover childcare.

I also agree that it's time for a budget sheet for you to show your DH. You can also tell him that you think it's admiral that he works such long hours, but explain to him that unless he's actually paid hourly, then all he's doing is devaluing himself, as his salary doesn't change if he puts in all that extra.

Perhaps all that's needed is for your DH to take a stand and say "I won't work more than 37.5 hours a week for that wage, and if you want more out of me, then pay more".