to think this is wrong, wrong, WRONG - or could it be that she is right?

[Bugsy2]

My own experience with ex-H colours my view, so I thought I'd run it by the court of MN.
I've been friends with another single mum from school for a couple of years now. I went out with her on Sat night & she obviously thought we'd got to the stage where she could confide in me.
She told me that she has been having an affair with a married man for 6+ years. She doesn't want him to leave his wife (& DCs) and it sounds (from her) as though he doesn't have any intention of doing so. She says that she is saving his marriage, because without her he would have left years ago. Obviously there were hours of chat, but that is the bones of it.
This has to be wrong doesn't it? I was stunned, as she doesn't strike me as the delusional type - let alone a husband shagger.
Oh, I did ask her what she got out of it & (as a brief summary) she said lots of great sex & a close friendship she values.
Maybe I need to have a more French view of life - perhaps it is fine? It has completely changed the way I see her. AIBU?

YANBU.
As Dh grew up, his dad had a long standing affair. (still going on now). It's shit and shows a complete lack of respect to all parties involved.
It would make me see her in a new light too, and I would question the friendship, even though it didn't affect me.

I don't think your being unreasonable...this would probably change my view of someone as its quite a strong admission to make...not something you hear from someone every day! I wouldn't JUDGE her but it might make me think "ah, ok".

I'm not sure how I feel about her shagging another woman's husband, but I also really do feel the blame is more on the man as he is supposedly in a committed marriage with children whereas she is single. I don't agree with what she is doing though.

I agree with you. This will probably polarise. You can't help thinking of that poor wife who (I assume) doesn't know her dh is doing this. I think if she knows and is ok with it, then that is a bit different - but I doubt she does know.

She sounds delusional in her ideas that it's saving his marriage, but realistic in her expectations ie. that he's not going to give her anything more than friendship and sex. Incidentally, what do her kids/ kid think of this?

It sounds to me like your friend has become a bit hardened about love and romance. Or she's justifying it because it makes her feel great. The sex in affairs usually is great because it is so 'forbidden' and 'illicit'.

wrong, wrong, wrong. an affair is an affair.

Oh and the view that she is saving their marriage is wholly ridiculous and just a watery defence on her part.

If it's really 'saving his marriage', presumably his wife's totally on board with it all? Otherwise he's just a plain old cheat - and she's no better. I'm completely in favour of open relationships if all parties know the deal and are happy with it - but your friend is kidding herself if she thinks she's able to justify shagging another woman's husband behind her back.

I wonder if his wife would feel so grateful to her on finding out exactly how she'd been helping to save her marriage? If his wife has a "French view" herself with a lover and a pragmatic attitude towards fidelity then it would be different. But I suspect his wife is doing his laundry, taking care of his DCs, contributing her money into the joint account, and being faithful and would actually be devastated if she found out that he'd been shagging someone else for 6 years. I have a bit of a 'sister solidarity' thing about this - sleeping with someone else's husband is just Not On IMO.

YANBU - she's certainly in the wrong, and is probably deluding herself about the effect she has on his marriage. Is him staying with his wife in these circumstances actually the best thing for the wife and children? I doubt it personally, as the poison of infidelity will still be there - a clean break might have been kinder all round.

She's in the wrong. What you decide to do about your friendship depends how much you're prepared to overlook it. I'd shift her back to "school acquaintance" rather than friend, but some people seem able to accept this kind of stuff from their friends.

I probably didn't ask all the right questions, as to be honest I was so gobsmacked. However, she claims that his wife knows nothing. I am cringing even writing this, having watched that beautiful Choir / Military Wives programme last night, but he is in the Army & therefore seems able to "excuse himself" without it being noticable.

I wouldn't judge her for it. If she is happy, be happy for her as a friend.

It's his marriage, his choice and his responsibility. I'd tell her he's an arse, and she's an arse for seeing an arse, but then just not discuss it further and still be friends if I liked her.

If the wife was aware of it then it would be different. But the deception makes it unreasonable.

Gosh, half my friends have cheated on their partners and they have perfectly fine marriages. OP, it is none of your business whom she does it with, as long as it is not your DH. Live and let live, I say.

Really flatbread? Feel depressed now.

It wasn't any of my business until she told me! I didn't ask her to tell me.

flatbread doesn't make it right, how would you feel if it was one of your friends havin a long term affair with your dp/Dh? I find your attitude

well that makes it OK doesn't it flatbread?
OP, I think I would be distancing myself from her. She is deluded and he is a nobber.

of course she is not saving his marriage if it was nto her it would be another woman saving his marriage or rather giving him the extra sex and attention he wants

i doubt she is really happy and once she gets out of this situation she will realise it is wrong on so many levels. i would not turn my back on a friend but i would be honest

no cheating is not right for the people involved but it happens are we to throw stones at everyone who has had an affair people make mistakes its life

Totally depends on your view I suppose. I personally wouldn't dump her as a friend but would tell her I didn't agree with what she was doing.

Maybe I'm just a puritan, but I do think the moral choices my friends make have a degree of relevance to my being friends with them. If I believe someone is deliberately doing something that harms others, then it makes me re-evaluate my opinion of them. Not just about sex and relationships, but if someone clearly has a very different set of views and values than mine, where I genuinely think they are in the wrong and not just a "horses for courses" difference, then I'd find it hard to think of them in such positive terms in the future.

I, know Bugsy. I was a bit shocked the first time I heard it too. After that got a bit blasé. Would say their marriages are just fine. In fact, if anything, they seem more confident and alive. They are attentive to their DHs and children seem normal.

Only in one case did it all unravel.

amuminscotland completely agree!

It's very easy to judge.

They are having an affair - it's wrong. But there is no need to get involved. Maybe the wife knows? Maybe she knows it's 'saving' their marriage, and is okay with it?

Not something that I would ever involve myself in, but some people live in openly open marriages, some in 'hushed' open marriages, and some who blatantly cheat and deceive. Best to let folk get on.

Personally, if it was my friend I would tell her I was morally against her behaviour, but i wouldn't judge her past that.

Susie, I would hate it if my DH was having an affair. But I accept that these things happen. But I don't think it is my place to judge other people's marriages and relationships.