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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be finding this decision so hard?? And WWYD?

82 replies

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 22/11/2011 14:09

Currently live in London with DH and DS (21 months)

DH's parents live in Shropshire - about an hr away from Birmingham.
My parents live in the NE - between Sunderland and Newcastle.

DH and I are both really keen to move out of London. I am a SAHM and we are struggling to live comfortably on DH's wage. We would also like to be closer to family.

DH's employers have said that he can move to one of their other offices - options are Sheffield, Coventry or Darlington. Brilliant.

However we are finding it almost impossible to decide where to go and I have no idea whether IABU...

So here goes:

Option 1: Move to Sheffield. Approx half way between both sets of parents, but not close enough to either to have any practical help (both sets of parents are super-keen to help out as much as they can).

Option 2: Move to somewhere near Coventry. DH's parents would then move somewhere near by, so could provide childcare if/when needed. DH's parents do want to move (downsize) and have been holding off on doing so until we have decided where to settle - so they can either be closer to us, or closer to a motorway to provide easy access (currently live in little village in middle of nowhere). DS is their only grandchild.

Option 3: move to Durham - a 30 min commute to Darlington and 30 mins away from my parents. Obv this is my preferred option. My parents have 2 other grandchildren (so are already helping out with school runs etc) and are older than my ILs (Dad is 70, Mum is 68).

So - my DH thinks we should go with option 2. His main arguments being that his parents will be able to help out more (fewer other commitments, younger). He also sees it as 'cruel' to move their only grandchild further away from them.

I would soooo much prefer option 3. But my argument is less sensible/alturistic and much more selfish - I have wanted to move back up north for YEARS (DH fully aware of this and always supportive up until now) as I miss my family terribly. My sisters and nephews would all be close by.

So IABU in expecting my (admittedly selfish) arguments to carry as much weight as DH's sensible/practical ones? Or do I just have to accept that he is right and just get on with it? Either way I know I'll be in a much better position (financially and practically) than we are now.

DH and I have never really disagreed on anything before!

WWYD?

And thanks for reading this far, my posts on here always seem to be essays! Smile

OP posts:
carabos · 22/11/2011 14:11

Which of these options gives the best long-term prospects job-wise for both of you? Assuming you won't be a SAHM forever.

Bartimaeus · 22/11/2011 14:12

If your inlaws are moving anyway can't they just move further north so you can all be near each other? I'm assuming they're retired?

spicyorange · 22/11/2011 14:12

yanbu i would want to live near my parents to.

grovel · 22/11/2011 14:13

Go to Durham. Get your iLs to move up there too.

Sorted.

Eglu · 22/11/2011 14:13

Could you not move to Sheffield which makes it much easier for you to make regular trips home to your family, and ils move to nearer there. Or are they only willing to move so far?

hwjm1945 · 22/11/2011 14:14

Durham is lovely, go for it, sounds as if yuo hae a proper family set up ni the teeside area, whereas in the Coventry area it will be new for all of you. Could the ILs move up to Teeside/Wearside?

Original poster
IWillOnlyEatBeans · 22/11/2011 14:15

Neither places will have great job prosepcts for me - so no advantages to either on that score. I wont be SAHM forever, but am looking to go back into a job rather than a career (IYKWIM).

ILs wont maove too far away from current location as their daughter lives in BHam and they don't want to be too far away from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
IWillOnlyEatBeans · 22/11/2011 14:16

Also DH doesn't think it's far to ask them to move that far away from their friends etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
IWillOnlyEatBeans · 22/11/2011 14:16

*fair, not far!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 22/11/2011 14:17

Its not your fault its their only grandchild so that argument holds less water.

I think the pros and cons of each of your desired options are equal, really. And you're not giving enough weight to the fact that you actually really want to move to the north east. That's not selfish, its a big fat tick in the pros column for that option, so don't feel like you should play it down.

Have you sounded out your parents to ascertain precisely what support they could give, i.e. the real specifics?

chocolatchaud · 22/11/2011 14:17

What a tricky situation!

City-wise I would prefer Durham to the other 2 options - but I understand that this is not the main point!

When it comes down to it, who are the GPs going to be helping? DH is going to be at work all week, so it's you who will be getting the assistance - naturally you would prefer that to be your parents.

Or are you planning to go back to work? Then your ILs may be better placed to help out as a regular arrangement.

Unless, if they are planning to move anyway, would they consider moving further north so that you were all a bit closer?

Aarrghh - I can see why you are so confused.

Ultimately you are going to have to find a compromise as it is such a big decision, you don't want any resentment to fester.

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 22/11/2011 14:17

If your ils are willing to move anyway then why don't they move up to near your parents and then everybody wins?

Original poster
IWillOnlyEatBeans · 22/11/2011 14:17

DS just woken up, thanks for replies so far, will be back later :)

OP posts:
cottonreels · 22/11/2011 14:17

With option 2 what would happen if/when the inlays get more grandchildren?
Would in laws be prepared to move a greater distance and be closer to your parents-if they are willing I'd try getting them to sit down with a map and draw areas they are prepared to move to.
I know I'd prefer option 3 too.

northernwreck · 22/11/2011 14:17

Durham. Lots of reasons:

1.You are the sahm, at the moment, but when you are back at work (if you do) it will be a lot better to be relying on your own parents than his.

  1. Durham is Lovely
  2. Coventry is not
4.North east accents are sexy-midlands ones not so much-don't you want your dc to have a good accent? 5.It's not bleedin cruel to move only grandchild-gc already lives far from GP's! Durham to Cov, not such a long way. You would visit, and have them to stay, surely.
  1. If you are going to be a sahm long term, you will need a social circle, and this would be easier in a familiar place.
  2. Sheffield is great, but pointless in terms of family help so cross it off the list.
Someone has to compromise, and someone has to get their own way. If I were you I would be that someone!

Good Luck.

MrSpoc · 22/11/2011 14:17

i agree with his points compared to yours but i have also lived away from friends and family and it can be hard.

can his parents not move with you?

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 22/11/2011 14:17

Sorry cross posted and you already answered that question!

chocolatchaud · 22/11/2011 14:17

Took me so long to type that post, have x-posted with everyone!

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2011 14:19

Would your dh still want option 2 if it wasn't his parents but yours?

As a sahm, the prospect of being at home and at the mercy of my IL's and their shit loads of free time to be spent on my sofa would fill me with dread, but I accept that you might love yours and not mind so much. I am generally in favour of living closer to my own parents because they would bug me marginally less.

That said, this decision would hinge on 1) whether I intended to return to work and would need child care, 2) Which area was nicest to live in/had better schools.

Actually, if I'm being totally honest, I'd still want to live closer to my own parents, because dh will be at work all day and it would affect me more.

northernwreck · 22/11/2011 14:19

It's Durham OP, you know it makes sense

Cartoonjane · 22/11/2011 14:20

If your DH's parents are prepared tp move, wouldn't they move to Durham so you coukd have both sets of parents near?

This sort of problem is hard. I have it to some degree myself. All I can say is that I think whatever you decide it is bet if it sn't a compromise for all parties concerned so no one ends up with what they really want. As many of you as possible need to feel they really have what they want. Option 2 seems like the big compromise option to me i.e. not what anyone actually wants. Is it fair to say that even for your DH it's just the best of a bad bunch? If so I'd avoid it.

Thruaglassdarkly · 22/11/2011 14:21

I arranged my whole life to live by my parents, but sadly they died youngish, so I totally understand why you want to live by your parents as I'd do it all again.
That said, I'm with Bartimaeus. Seems logical. Failing that option 2s not all bad. Some lovely little villages around Coventry - you don't have to live in a city if that's what you're wanting to get away from. Or there's Leamington, Warwick, Kenilworth, Stratford...

CheerMum · 22/11/2011 14:22

anywhere but coventry

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/11/2011 14:22

Move back to Durham. The cost of living is lower here in the north east, so your husband's wages will go further for your family.

And besides, the accent is far, far nicer Wink

Cartoonjane · 22/11/2011 14:24

I see that I've cross-posted with many people here! Also see that my typing is atrocious!

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