To be finding this decision so hard?? And WWYD?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Currently live in London with DH and DS (21 months)

DH's parents live in Shropshire - about an hr away from Birmingham.
My parents live in the NE - between Sunderland and Newcastle.

DH and I are both really keen to move out of London. I am a SAHM and we are struggling to live comfortably on DH's wage. We would also like to be closer to family.

DH's employers have said that he can move to one of their other offices - options are Sheffield, Coventry or Darlington. Brilliant.

However we are finding it almost impossible to decide where to go and I have no idea whether IABU...

So here goes:

Option 1: Move to Sheffield. Approx half way between both sets of parents, but not close enough to either to have any practical help (both sets of parents are super-keen to help out as much as they can).

Option 2: Move to somewhere near Coventry. DH's parents would then move somewhere near by, so could provide childcare if/when needed. DH's parents do want to move (downsize) and have been holding off on doing so until we have decided where to settle - so they can either be closer to us, or closer to a motorway to provide easy access (currently live in little village in middle of nowhere). DS is their only grandchild.

Option 3: move to Durham - a 30 min commute to Darlington and 30 mins away from my parents. Obv this is my preferred option. My parents have 2 other grandchildren (so are already helping out with school runs etc) and are older than my ILs (Dad is 70, Mum is 68).

So - my DH thinks we should go with option 2. His main arguments being that his parents will be able to help out more (fewer other commitments, younger). He also sees it as 'cruel' to move their only grandchild further away from them.

I would soooo much prefer option 3. But my argument is less sensible/alturistic and much more selfish - I have wanted to move back up north for YEARS (DH fully aware of this and always supportive up until now) as I miss my family terribly. My sisters and nephews would all be close by.

So IABU in expecting my (admittedly selfish) arguments to carry as much weight as DH's sensible/practical ones? Or do I just have to accept that he is right and just get on with it? Either way I know I'll be in a much better position (financially and practically) than we are now.

DH and I have never really disagreed on anything before!

WWYD?

And thanks for reading this far, my posts on here always seem to be essays!

I don't think your motives are any more selfish than your DH's. You want to move near your family, he wants to move near his.

If you're looking to compromise than option 1 seems to be best as you will be approximately halfway which seems to be fair to both sides. I also think the fact that your DP's have other grandchildren is a red herring. Love is not finite, your DP's won't love or miss your DS any less because they have other DGC.

I did like pp's suggestion(s) but if your in-laws won't move further then that's obviously not an option.

"Neither places will have great job prosepcts for me"

OP obviously you might well do something extremely specialised, in which case forgive me, but don't underestimate the convenience of the midlands for flexibility when it comes to finding work. In this area, there are more options than most as you are within easy reach of more centres of industry than in most other locations in the UK. Take your pick from Birmingham, Coventry, Leicester, Nottingham, Derby and Northampton.

Also, I must speak up for the area in terms of people saying its not as lovely an area as Durham, ok, so Coventry itself is an squired taste but Warwickshire and Leicestershire are home to some of the most beautiful villages you could imagine.

Toss a coin.

Ooh, thats true too-cost of living. You can get a way nicer house in the North East.

This is nice

Have you ever been to Coventry? If you had, I doubt it would be on your list. It was a boom town in the sixties, when we had a motor industry and everything was built of concrete. It is decidedly un-boomy ATM.

Talking of un-boomy, weren't the recently created jobs in the NE all public sector jobs (apart from Sage). We all know what is happening to those.

It's so hard. I would deffo go for Durham if you can persuade DH - I would prefer to be near my own family than my DH's. And even though I've never been to Durham, I bet it's beautiful, much nicer than Coventry, which I do know well, and is pretty horrid.

Also, if you're an SAHM, then you are going to see a lot more of the local surroundings, and you'll want to be near family and possibly old friends. Otherwise you'll be stuck on your own during the day in a place you don't know with people you don't know.

The only things I can say in favour of Coventry are location (it is very central and convenient for lots of other places) and, as another poster said, there are lots of nice villages nearby.

Oh OP please come back with a budget and let us have some North East Vs Midlands Rightmove fun!

Shropshire is gorgeous! Move there

Another thought: the sad thing about it is that whichever decision you make, one of you is always going to resent it. And it will probably fester away and whoever it is will bring it up in arguments: "You made me move here to this hell-hole where I don't know anyone, my parents are miles away..." etc etc

I think your parents having other GCs is actually an argument in their favour. You cannot decide by what is best for the GPs, that is always going to come out one-all, but your DS would have cousins in Durham and aunts and uncles. I think the extended family is a reason for the NE, not against.

Where would both of you want to live if you took these logistical issues out of the equation?

Isn't Durham heaps nicer than Coventry? Which has better options for school? What type of house could you afford in each place (taking into account salary differences)?

I can't imagine there'd be much of a salary difference between Warwickshire and County Durham for OPs DH, particularly if he works for the Dept of Education (making a massive assumption here based on my knowledge that their offices are in the places OP mentioned).

I think you could find equally nice places to live in both areas and likewise for schooling. amicissima makes some excellent suggestions for getting to grips with the fundamentals of the decision.

Durham. It's beautiful.

After spending only a week there, I'd move there in a heartbeat.

Stay where you are, don't cause any upset to anyone and enjoy London

If your DH has always been supportive of your desire to move north, why is he not supporting it now? It sounds very sensible to be near your parents, especially, as someone said upthread, as there are other family members nearby too, who could come to be incredibly important to your DS.

The fact of your parents being older also points to Durham, I think. If they're in their 70s/late 60s there could well come a time when they need some help from you in the not-so-distant future, as they get older and less mobile - being far away from them could make you feel very helpless and lead to resentment from your siblings if you couldn't help out as much. Don't want to be too negative about that, but it is something to consider.

Explain to your DH you want to live nearer your parents/sister as your at home and miss them/lonely during the day etc.

Would your ILS consider moveing to Yorksire? putting them half way between you and their daughter? You don't want to move away from your friends in London to be lonely in the midlands.

However, on a practical note if you need childcare to return to work, and plan to have other children would your parents be able to help long term?

I think however much you try to talk about the practicalities (e.g. his parents being younger etc) what it comes down to is:

• You want to live near your family
• He wants to live near his

Both of which are perfectly reasonable. I suspect if you go for Sheffield all that will happen is that neither of you will be particularly pleased with the choice. Maybe tossing a coin is the way to go.

Go to Sheffield, its fairer and its gorgeous there. I can't wait to move back there, am living in the SW atm and counting the days until I can get back to Sheffield.

Everything is also super-cheap in Sheffield so thats a bonus.

shropshire is lovely, couldnt you move to shropshire, is that where you were planning to move?

Sheffield would be good. Equally easy for either set of parents to visit you and has good transport connections.

Having just run away moved from one of those areas I would also counsel you to strongly consider quality of life, amenities and services. I don't want to skew your opinion by saying which place we left, but the healthcare there was abominable to the point where we held off TTC until we moved here...

Not sure the schools were much cop, either, so DO YOUR RESEARCH! :) And good luck x