To be finding this decision so hard?? And WWYD?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Currently live in London with DH and DS (21 months)

DH's parents live in Shropshire - about an hr away from Birmingham.
My parents live in the NE - between Sunderland and Newcastle.

DH and I are both really keen to move out of London. I am a SAHM and we are struggling to live comfortably on DH's wage. We would also like to be closer to family.

DH's employers have said that he can move to one of their other offices - options are Sheffield, Coventry or Darlington. Brilliant.

However we are finding it almost impossible to decide where to go and I have no idea whether IABU...

So here goes:

Option 1: Move to Sheffield. Approx half way between both sets of parents, but not close enough to either to have any practical help (both sets of parents are super-keen to help out as much as they can).

Option 2: Move to somewhere near Coventry. DH's parents would then move somewhere near by, so could provide childcare if/when needed. DH's parents do want to move (downsize) and have been holding off on doing so until we have decided where to settle - so they can either be closer to us, or closer to a motorway to provide easy access (currently live in little village in middle of nowhere). DS is their only grandchild.

Option 3: move to Durham - a 30 min commute to Darlington and 30 mins away from my parents. Obv this is my preferred option. My parents have 2 other grandchildren (so are already helping out with school runs etc) and are older than my ILs (Dad is 70, Mum is 68).

So - my DH thinks we should go with option 2. His main arguments being that his parents will be able to help out more (fewer other commitments, younger). He also sees it as 'cruel' to move their only grandchild further away from them.

I would soooo much prefer option 3. But my argument is less sensible/alturistic and much more selfish - I have wanted to move back up north for YEARS (DH fully aware of this and always supportive up until now) as I miss my family terribly. My sisters and nephews would all be close by.

So IABU in expecting my (admittedly selfish) arguments to carry as much weight as DH's sensible/practical ones? Or do I just have to accept that he is right and just get on with it? Either way I know I'll be in a much better position (financially and practically) than we are now.

DH and I have never really disagreed on anything before!

WWYD?

And thanks for reading this far, my posts on here always seem to be essays!

Sheffield is a completely fabulous place to live, but if you want to be closer to one or other of your families, completely pointless also. Being equidistant = never seeing any of them.

I think it's unrealistic to expect grandparents living 30 mins away to be a source of regular and reliable childcare such as would be needed for returning to work, espeically as they are already committed to another set of gc. Is Durham further fom Shropshire than London? It does seem sad to move further away from your ILs. I can understand your DH's concerns about them moving away from their friends, but has he asked THEM? Do they get on with your parents?

I'd move to Sheffield - great city. Durham is very beautiful, but a bit small town, and showy for tourists. An because of the small size of it, saturated with students.

Durham.

Your ILs will have their friends and daughter nearby; why should you be far away from your family and friends?

I was born and still live in Coventry. It's more-or-less OK. Not keen on Sheffied. Love Durham :)

I wouldn't go for option one, pleases no one.

I think 30 minutes drive is still a bigish drive to parents, in the sense that you wouldn't be dropping in for a cup of tea for half an hour here or there and things would need planning. If your children went to school near your house are your parents really going to drive 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back to do a school run at 70+? Maybe in an emergency but not on a regular basis? That combined with a 30 minute commute to work would put me off this option. Why have a 30 minute commute when you can have a 10 minute one?

Also, people can get properly old and need assistance very rapidly, you need to consider where you will be best placed to provide (possibly day to day) assistance for both sets of parents when this happens.

In this instance I would settle somewhere near DH's work with DH's parents. It is very generous of them to want to move near you. Why push them away? You know you will still make the effort to go and see your family!

Thanks everyone!

Reassuring to know that others would also struggle with this - and that I'm not being totally selfish fighting my corner.

I'll come back later on and have a proper read through.

FWIW I doubt we'd live in Coventry, probably somewhere like Leamington Spa or Warwick.

House budget = £300,000 MAX.

What if you choose option 2 and suddenly your inlaws change their minds about moving? They might not like the area after all/they might to be able to afford it/your SIL could get pregnant and they could decide she needs them more/they could get unwell and not be able to move.

Too much uncertainty.

Lots of lovely places to live within easy reach of Coventry. (For all the 'durham is lovely, coventry is shit' people, I'm guessing that house prices in the gorgeous bits of durham are quite high).

Having said that, I think being close to family is really important. I lived 1.5 hrs+ away from my parents till my dc were 7 & 4. Now I live 30 mins away and it's so lovely to be close to my mum, especially since my dad died. 30 mins is a perfect distance for me - we see each other every week and she can come and do school pick ups/babysitting or we can pop over for sunday lunch without it being an all day affair. Wish I'd moved closer years ago. Good luck!

Durham, then meet me for shopping

i would move to shropshire
lovely places in shropshire
ludlow
shrewsbury
etc

I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness if you move to be close to either set of grandparents for childcare purposes.

You should set a different set of criteria for the move that aren't to do with proximity to either of your families.

ie

1. cost of living
2. house prices
3. schools
4. attractiveness of surroundings
5. career prospects for both of you
6. etc

and then chose unemotionally. that's the only way to be fair to you both.

I have found the responses so typical of mn - ignore the dh's wants/needs to have his family and just focus on the op, i.e. live near the op's parents and stuff the ILs

Why should the op have the upper hand in living near her parents? Being a SAHM does not give an automatic right to everything. The op's DH also have some rights here......

I have also taken great offence about the post regarding the West Midlands accent etc

cricketballs, i have a West Midlands accent and I LOVE it :o

I have lived in Kent, Cambs, Beds etc and have received far more positive comments about my accent than negative ones

By the way everyone I have a degree and my husband, also from the west midlands, has a lower and an upper and is an industry specialist :o

can i just say as well, people in the West Midlands are generally very kind hearted, friendly individuals who would give you their last fiver

If you move to the NE, would your DC have cousins to play with? That can be an asset for a child moving to a new area. Be realistic about this, though, if they have met before and there has never been much inclination for the cousins to be friends, then don't make that a major factor in your choice.

too true Roger! I have a degree and a post graduate qualification, my husband is a very well qualified and very much in demand specialist, my eldest ds earned excellent GCSE grades and is currently undertaking AS in a very highly regarded 6th form

we also live where someone would give a stranger a smile, a £5 without asking for anything in return

Yes people in the west midlands are lovely. Having said that I have family in the west midlands, Worcs, and it is very Daily Mail readery where they are. That would put me off about Shropshire/Worcs etc.

About the accent, I just think people with the NE accent sound sexy, and I dont think the midlands accent is sexy. Its a personal thing.

mo e to sheffield, for £300,000 you could buy a mansion, near town and countryside. best place in the world.

see lovely

I find the West Midlands accent sexy :o rarrrr

but the OP is married to someone from Shropshire anyway and they always talk a bit posher ime, well unless theyare from somewhere like Telford or something

try spending £300,000 in the West Midlands - could buy you something amazing near some fantastic schools

Sheffield is fab, but it doesn't seem very practical for OP.

ohhhhh you are Staffs girl as well :o

I was brought up in Cannockbut lived some of my young adult life in Stafford, where they all thought they were posher than me but I would move to Shropshire like a shot tbh or some parts of Staffs I miss Cannock Chase at least weekly

I'm a girl who knows what a proper oatcake is!!

with melted cheese :)