... to think this might turn into an issue? - school run related

[boschy]

Sorry, this is a long one! Our established school routine is that I drive my 2 DDs and a friend of the younger one - A - to secondary school in the mornings, and they bus home. DD2 and A have been really good friends since first days at primary, although my 2 moved to a different primary when youngest was in Y2. Current arrangement works perfectly well, never any issues, if I can't do school run for any reason then A's mum takes them - means they get in very early though, which is why I usually take A. So far so good.

At DD2's new primary she became best friends with B. A bit of a rocky friendship, B was possessive of DD2 and jealous of her having other friends. When they went their separate ways to diff secondary schools it was a bit of a relief to be honest - although I do like B, have had her here loads, nice kid etc.

B has now moved to our school, on a 'managed move' following exclusion from her previous school for general poor behaviour and fighting - they've just gone into Y8, so she must have been pretty difficult to get permanently excluded within a year. She's had 6 weeks out of school, so this is her first week at our school. B's mum is a single parent, and from primary school I know they struggle desperately for money. Sunday night we got a call - from B - saying could we give her a lift in on Monday because her Mum didnt have the bus money. Fine I said. this morning at 7am another call from B - can she come with us this morning. Umm, OK I said.

This is where I get to the dilemma:

On the one hand I dont really want to get dragged into having another child in the car every morning, having to wait around if she's late (she gets the bus to ours), just a different dynamic to the one I am used to. Plus, I am a bit concerned about A latching on to DD2 as her best friend again, given that DD2 has made lots of new friends since being at secondary school, has a nice group etc. I'm also concerned that if A's behaviour worsens again it could either encourage DD2 to behave badly or just rub off on her by association - this is worst case scenario I suppose.

On the other hand, it could be very helpful to B - the bus she would otherwise get to school is the one my kids don't get, basically because it is 'rough' - smoking, swearing, chucking stuff etc. My 2 categorically refuse to go on it, hence the driving. B could well get herself into a whole set of new trouble by going on that bus; instead she's in the car with a 'nice' mummy and 'nice' girls, no opportunity for aggro and guaranteed arrival at school on time every day.

So it works for B; it doesnt necessarily cause me a problem - at the moment - but I do feel slightly as if it is becoming a fait accompli, and I dont like that the child (rather than mum) phones to ask for the lift - because I cant really say 'no' to a 12 year old who I know has had a hard time at one school and needs to get herself sorted at the new one.

Arrgh! AIBU to be worried, or do I just suck it up until something goes wrong?

Are you friendly with the mum-does she ever take your child anywhere? Can she drive her daughter in?

I probably wouldn't do it as I hate people being dependent on me for things like this. I do various alternate lift shares with friends-ie I take one week and they take the next, but this sounds like you'll be taking her every day. Is she going to phone you every morning and ask you or just expect you to do it?

I'm sure lots of people will say you should take her, but I'd feel backed into a corner and probably wouldn't like it ;)

I think she will probably phone every morning, if I'm honest. AND it is really annoying because she will not leave a message, so if I don't get to the phone in time she hangs up and I have to hover about til it rings again!!! (This is something I have already mentioned to B, and will do again - leave a sodding message or at least start talking!!)

B's mum won't be much help I don't think. She has always struggled with B, and I think getting excluded from the first secondary school will not have done much for their relationship. Dad is remarried, lives a bit away, not sure how often he sees B now. He's one of those nice on the surface types but I suspect tries to force B to toe a line and they clash. Anyway that's by the by as he's not on the day to day scene.

Oh, that is annoying-I'd probably just not answer the phone-or leave it off the hook for a bit.

If she asks you where you were at a later date, then be vague and say you sometimes have to leave early in the mornings.

You should have to be other people's lift solutions if you don't want to be.

Could this be a "cry for help" from B? Perhaps her mum just doesn't care enough to be bothered to find bus fare/get her up/help her out and stuff, and this new start at a new school could be B's chance to stay out of trouble and make something of herself. It would be a shame if she did slip back into being a troublemaker almost by accident, and you could really be making a difference if you give her a lift. You could always say to her that you will give her a lift each day as long as she is at your house by X time. If she isn't there you WILL go without her - my bet is that it will never happen or if it does, it will only be once. Give the girl a chance, how many other people will actually give a damn what happens to her?

I've just read your message properly-that's taking the p a bit that she wanted you to take her becuase she didn't have the bus money! Are you a FREE taxi service!?

PomBear you've voiced how I feel about it... it's not that I dont want to help B (I've known this kid since she was about 7), I suppose what I'm concerned about is the potential impact on DD2 - and there might not even be any. And you have a point about mum - I think she does care, but if she is not coping then that impacts B too.

Going to mull it over today and perhaps the kindest thing is to say she can come with us every day. I would hate for it to go tits up again for her if by sticking her in the car with us I could help it not to (does that sentence make sense? I know what I mean anyway...)

appus she is 12 - if her mum doesn't give her any bus money then that's that, she can hardly have any of her own at that age. It sounds to me more like the poor girl is trying her best to get her act together and sort herself out and her mum just isn't helping her. She needs bit of support and a lift - it's not the crown jewels or a major organ. Just a lift and a chance to show everyone she can behave at school to get over the stigma of being excluded. If she doesn't do it now, it could be too late, nobody will employ someone with a reputation and who has been in trouble repeatedly, but if she gets it right from now on, she might turn out ok. Isn't a 12 yr old worth it? or would you write her off now and have done with it?

I see your dilemma, so very hard. Can you agree to take her on 1 or 2 mornings per week? An agreed and set morning rather than every morning. My concern personally would be the worst case scenario as you mentioned about it affecting MY child, who before anything else needs to be put first. A few mornings a week would mean you could 'monitor' the situation somewhat and be generous without it being EVERY morning (and avoid the telephone fiasco).

Appu that's what makes me feel I'm being taken for a mug, and I dont like it! on the other hand, wot pom said...

Sounds awful but I wouldn't take her. I was in a similar position with girls that dd wasn't even friends with. I felt obliged to take them and was constantly waiting around for them and making myself late for work, I was even taking them when dd was off sick! I made dd walk for a term and then went back to just taking dd. I know it sounds bad but if you carry on before you know it you will have a permanent arrangement on your hands and what happens if A's mum takes them, is she expected to take B as well?

Good for you boschy - if it doesn't work, and she doesn't turn up on time then you haven't lost anything, she can really only hurt herself, and it could be the turning point for her as far as her education in concerned.

I wouldnt ask A's mum to take B as well, although I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind - just feels cheeky to me (which is ironic given the situation B and her mum are putting me in!). And if there are days when DH takes them, then he only takes our 2 (not enough seats for more). So on those days I would have to make sure that B, as well as A and mum, knew about the change, but that's maybe once or twice a term max.

I think that the mum should start taking responsibility for her own child and should start to find the dinner money-it's not the OP's job to start thinking about having to phone the girl if her DH/A's mum is doing the school run. OP would also have to ring if one her girls were ill/not at school this day. I'm just wary about getting into an assumed situation as it puts more pressure on the OP to think ahead. and I'd feel very taken for granted.

You have to decide right away whether you are going to do this every day or stop now. I am learning, myself, to be less available to this kind of arrangement. You just don't realise how much of an issue it will be when you first start out - others seem to think these kinds of favours are no trouble at all (even with no reciprocation whatsoever) - but that is really not the case.

I would speak to the mother directly and ask about this upfront - what is the plan here? If you carry on with the lifts - I would use PomBear's strategy.

What do your DD's think of this?

I think I would take her until it became a problem for my own dc. If it didn't, then all well and good. I would tell b that she had to be at the house by X time, as you are unable to wait for her. I think this kid is at a disadvantage in life and needs someone to be kind and give her a bit of a hand.

Her mother sounds like a fucking disgrace though. And I can understand why you have reservations about this. If it starts to go wrong, then you will have to put a stop to it, because your own dc have to come first.

Am not sure if the is the right advice, but do you think it's worth mentioning to the head of year that b doesn't have bus money and is getting a lift in with you, so they can make sure she has lunch (or check that she isn't pulling a fast one and spending her bus money elsewhere) and just generally give her a bit of extra tlc, rather than writing her off as 'trouble' as some schools are inclined to do.

Difficult one - and complicated by the fact that you were relieved your dd had moved on and now her old friend has popped up again.

I like SenoritaViva's idea of having, say, two days a week when you will definitely give her a lift. Then you are helping out, but not making it a permanent full-time arrangement and she will not be monopolising your dd.

Am I reading it right, that at no point have you had any contact with B's mother? Is she even aware that B is getting a lift?

I'd be annoyed at the 7am phone calls. One of DS's friends does that annoying not-leave-a-message-rings-back-instead thing, drives me crazy.

On the whole, I'd be inclined to sit B down, and offer her a daily lift on the basis that she turns up to my house by a certain time. New school, new start. Obviously re-assess if DD2 if adversely affected, but otherwise I'd help this girl out.

I think you're being very kind. I also feel that yes, it's a helpline for the child to start again. I wonder if you could perhaps suggest to the parent that you will see how it goes this term. That way you can keep an eye on things and still have an opt out clause. Mine are in year ten now, and somebody that they weren't particularly keen on from primary started, but to be honest, different classes/sets etc. they barely see them in school which might well be the case with your child and the other girl.

Oh this is a toughie isn't it?

I think you need to involve B's mum - I think you have to at least start from a point where you treat her as you would treat any other mother. And B clearly had enough bus fare to get to your house, didn't she? So I would get in touch with B's mum to discuss the situation.

If she's only in Yr 8 (that's the first year of secondary, isn't it?) then maybe she got the fright of her life when she got excluded and maybe she's trying to keep herself out of trouble by not going on the bus? Which doesn't help you, I know.

Well I can see why you don't want to get too embroiled in this BUT it's no skin off your nose to fit an extra person in the car if you have a spare seat and are doing the journey anyway. I would give B a strict time that she has to be at yours for if she wants a lift. If she isn't there you go without her but if she is then I'd drop her at school. Does A's mum give you petrol money? If so you should ask for the same from B's mum.

I would ring B's mother.

Say you will take B to school on the condition:

A) she gets to your house on time
B) that mum understands there will be odd days she needs to get her shit together and sort her own kid out

I think you are a good person for doing this, especially as B could give you a bit of hip, but be ready to review the situation if B gets up to her old tricks.

I agree that if she has the bus fare to get to you, surely she can get to school?

However, if you do decide to offer her a lift every day, I woud do as pp suggested and phone mum to arrange making clear that there wil be days tha she will have to make her own way, she MUST be a yours by x time and if there is the slightest hint of any trouble at school you will not be able to continue the lifts.

I would also make this clear with the girl too, in case the mum does not.

I think I would continue to take her, after discussions with her mum.

I would also have a quiet word with the school, so they know that there is allegedly no bus money, and that they know to keep an eye on her. Because the bus fare might be being spent on ciggies, or she might be buying lunch with it. Or, in the case of a lass I went to school with, sanpro :(

Neglect comes in many forms, and it may be that this lass is actually being neglected. A friend of my DD was drinking, smoking, underage sex, truancy, shoplifting etc etc. SIngle parent. before you think "council estate stereotype" - Mum is a very highly skilled legal professional.

Just been pondering while out with the dog, so will try and answer the questions - sorry if I dont namecheck the right people!

eaglewings what do DDs think? I dont know, was wondering whether to ask them both - and maybe even A and A's mum - but not sure if that is putting some unfair pressure on them.

whereyouleftit had no contact with B's mother, actually since they left primary (they now in 2nd term of Y8, so 2nd year of secondary). So I have no idea if she knows whether B is coming to us or not... better ask B I guess!

karma speaking to school is a possibility. I am in school later today so will have a word if I can nab the right person. I agree about making sure she has lunch etc. I am not sure that mum is a fucking disgrace, I think, based just on my opinion and from very superficial meetings, that she has some significant problems - probably depression, certainly financial; and B getting excluded must have been a nightmare. She's quite caring I think, but not strong. I think she would not like to ring me herself in case I said no/thought she was taking the piss.

No petrol money involved anywhere, A's mum offered at the start but I said no. No skin off my nose if I'm going anyway. (she gave us a bottle of champagne at Christmas tho, and her DH unblocks our drains for us, so absolutely fair exchange!).