... to think this might turn into an issue? - school run related

[boschy]

Sorry, this is a long one! Our established school routine is that I drive my 2 DDs and a friend of the younger one - A - to secondary school in the mornings, and they bus home. DD2 and A have been really good friends since first days at primary, although my 2 moved to a different primary when youngest was in Y2. Current arrangement works perfectly well, never any issues, if I can't do school run for any reason then A's mum takes them - means they get in very early though, which is why I usually take A. So far so good.

At DD2's new primary she became best friends with B. A bit of a rocky friendship, B was possessive of DD2 and jealous of her having other friends. When they went their separate ways to diff secondary schools it was a bit of a relief to be honest - although I do like B, have had her here loads, nice kid etc.

B has now moved to our school, on a 'managed move' following exclusion from her previous school for general poor behaviour and fighting - they've just gone into Y8, so she must have been pretty difficult to get permanently excluded within a year. She's had 6 weeks out of school, so this is her first week at our school. B's mum is a single parent, and from primary school I know they struggle desperately for money. Sunday night we got a call - from B - saying could we give her a lift in on Monday because her Mum didnt have the bus money. Fine I said. this morning at 7am another call from B - can she come with us this morning. Umm, OK I said.

This is where I get to the dilemma:

On the one hand I dont really want to get dragged into having another child in the car every morning, having to wait around if she's late (she gets the bus to ours), just a different dynamic to the one I am used to. Plus, I am a bit concerned about A latching on to DD2 as her best friend again, given that DD2 has made lots of new friends since being at secondary school, has a nice group etc. I'm also concerned that if A's behaviour worsens again it could either encourage DD2 to behave badly or just rub off on her by association - this is worst case scenario I suppose.

On the other hand, it could be very helpful to B - the bus she would otherwise get to school is the one my kids don't get, basically because it is 'rough' - smoking, swearing, chucking stuff etc. My 2 categorically refuse to go on it, hence the driving. B could well get herself into a whole set of new trouble by going on that bus; instead she's in the car with a 'nice' mummy and 'nice' girls, no opportunity for aggro and guaranteed arrival at school on time every day.

So it works for B; it doesnt necessarily cause me a problem - at the moment - but I do feel slightly as if it is becoming a fait accompli, and I dont like that the child (rather than mum) phones to ask for the lift - because I cant really say 'no' to a 12 year old who I know has had a hard time at one school and needs to get herself sorted at the new one.

Arrgh! AIBU to be worried, or do I just suck it up until something goes wrong?

Apparently B is coming with us again this morning.

The teacher was coming more from the POV of experience than actual knowledge of the individual case I think - fair enough, as B only started there this week, but she was pretty strong on the fact that I should get out of this.

aargh, I need to find a gentle excuse I think about why it wont work and stick to it - I could do that easily with an adult, but its a bit harder with a 12 year old.

When B calls, ask to talk to her mother and refuse to make arrangements with her directly. Then you ARE dealing with the adult.

Yes I agree with MMP, someone has to speak to the mother, and if B has rung your house then yes, insist on speaking with her mum and that you won't be taking her anywhere until you have! All very sad and quite strange that the mother seems to have no involvement with B!

I really wouldn't be taking her anywhere if you haven't spoken to her mother. There's your gentle excuse!

I'd ring her mum and say 'do you know x is phoning here asking for a lift ever day?' and say it's something you'd be prepared to do occasionally if her usual transport fails, but it's not something you can be commited to every day. Easy.

I agree with not talking to B and insisting on talking to her mother.

If B calls tomorrow then say you will take her (Thur and Fri?) but that she needs to sort something else out from Monday. Make it clear to B's mum that you may be willing to help in a real emergency but that she needs to call rather than her daughter. Ringing the phone off the hook would be enough for me not to take her.

well, B didnt turn up this morning - which I must admit was a personal relief, tho I do hope she managed to get to school. Guess I'll find out later from DD2.

Maybe she has got the message, or mum has found out, or she could be off sick I suppose. If/when she does ring asking for a lift I will insist on speaking to Mum.

Thanks everyone, you have really helped me clarify things!

what a relief.

You are clearly very kind. I hope she made her own way and that everything is fine. Very awkward for you.

Gosh, this is a tough one - you have a troubled 12 yo asking you for help that, mostly, will not be much of a burden to you. My instinct would be to give her just that. It's not poor B's fault if her Mum is useless or feckless or spends bus money on fags. You could change her life by giving her the chance to get to school. Here in London you would be saved the dilemma as the buses are free for kids at school which means all dc can at least get to school. The only misgiving I would have is that you think perhaps B might be a bad influence on your DD. That might be so, but think what a wonderful example YOU will be setting of human kindness and charity. Speak to your DD about B's behaviour not having been acceptable or productive if/when B is behaving in a way that you would not like your daughter to emulate.

I am a bit at posters telling you to make excuses not to help a child. That is so sad and so not how the whole community can help parent. You could be such a force for good here. I guess on day's A's mum is doing the lift, B will have to take her chances on the bus (could you text her as soon as you know?)

I would not refuse to help B purely because her Mum is rubbish. That must be difficult enough for B already.

good Op, very kind. Karma I hope will reward you for this someway

I would not take B without talking to her mother and agreeing ground rules. OP does not know what the situation is. Even if B wants a lift instead of getting 'rough' school bus, I can understand why. Ringing the phone off the hook, arranging lifts for herself without her mother's knowledge, and expecting a lift at the last minute are not acceptable.

Look at it from B's mother's POV - as far as she is concerned B is getting the bus in, then it transpires that B is getting a lift from someone who the mother barely knows and has no contact details. Not going down the hysterical road of 'leaving yourself open to all sorts of accusations' but a senior teacher has warned you to be wary. What happens if you have an accident en route and B's mother doesn't even know she's in the car?

The school needs to set up a transport arrangement if B's mother struggles, and you could offer for emergencies - but it's not wise to go behind the mother's back, even though you have the best intentions and you are trying to be kind to a girl having a tough time.

Apparently B was off sick today... DD2 'thinks' she will be coming with us in the morning. I will wait for the phonecall and ask to speak to Mum, ask if she knows B has been doing this and say it cannot continue (might use the car insurance line). If B just turns up then I will ask for Mum's number (tho I might still have it somewhere, must check) and phone and say the same thing.

Inertia I do indeed take your point, this is one of the things that worries me.

Sorry but I would say no if it were me, it is not going to end well

B phoned half an hour ago, and I asked to speak to Mum - could hear a man being quite loud in the background, which is maybe by the by.

I said "do you know B is coming to us in the mornings?" and she said "oh yes, she wants to have someone to go in with" (not a mention of thank you very much, its kind of you to take her, or anything - tho obv I wouldnt expect her to say she couldnt afford the bus fare). So I said I would take B tomorrow, but cant commit any further on a regular basis because I already take another child, too much to think about etc - god, that sounds weak even as I write it. So she said she understood and then called to B "you have to start getting the bus after tomorrow". B and DD2 then had a phone chat.

Have explained the situation to DD1, who is 15 and VERY sensible - and discreet - but not really to DD2. Might try and do it, but dont want her to think badly of B, or even worse, mention it to her. And also I have to think of A, who is a delight to have around.

I know I have to do this, but I feel like such a heel now.

So B has no money for the school bus but has money for the bus to get to your house?

As B is paying for the bus rather than having a pass I assume she lives in walking distance of the school, perhaps Bs mum is expecting B to walk. I accept the walk may be further than a teenager wishes to walk.

Think you need to talk to Bs parent.

boschy I am shocked that B's mother knew all along.

I don't think getting the car in with you will make that much difference, tbh, and I would not commit to is as it's easier to co-ordinate two families (A and your own) both on days you do it and they also help, if you get a third family involved, it's too complex and it's more likely that A's mum will start doing something else.

That's apart from the social aspect of it, I think you have a good system that works, you have responsibility for three teenagers every morning and that is enough.

well yes eggrules so am I, but I am not that surprised - although its not something I would ever do. (DD1 went to see Breaking Dawn at midnight last week with a friend as birthday treat for friend, paid for by me - friend's mum was going to take them and then sleep over at hers, Baker Day on Friday so school not an issue ; I would not say yes or buy the tickets til I had spoken to mum - who I've never met - to check she was 100% happy. All fine, but I needed that mum's confirmation it was OK with her).

No thank you or kiss my arse though? I would be .

yeah, I feel as if I am coming across as such a wimp about this, which in my professional life I am not at all!

it's just that this is a 12 year old child who's had a tough time for whatever reason, has behaved incredibly badly at her previous school - must have done to be permanently excluded after just 1 year - and now has a fresh chance.

But in order to help her access it, I could put at risk MY children, MY arrangements, and that's not on. And I have been advised not to do it by someone who is v. senior at school, whose judgement I trust etc. still feel like a heel though.

'you have responsibility for three teenagers every morning and that is enough.'

Totally agree with that.

And I have been advised not to do it by someone who is v. senior at school, whose judgement I trust etc. still feel like a heel though.

Well, there you have it.

You are taking on someone else's problem, when it has nothing to do with you, really.

These kind of people latch onto good people like you, I bet her mum is encouraging it all the way (for her 12-year-old to get to school via you, easy, no petrol or bus money, etc.).

You are just like me, a sucker for a good story, but I have also realised that people just like to take advantage. Get me to do their stuff for them, whether it's a sob story, money involved etc.

No more!

You are not responsible for someone else's child. When someone puts you in that position, it always end badly - for you! - anyway....

What a tricky decision. I feel quite sorry for B.

The other thought that occurs to me is that if you are detached from B's school situation, you'll be better placed to be a supportive adult with a neutral viewpoint if she does need someone to turn to in the future.

If you become a permanent part of the getting-to-school arrangements, then you could become embroiled in all sorts of hassle if , for example, B needs to be collected from school urgently , or begins to play truant (doing a runner straight from drop-off, for example- school would be chasing you up if so). I know she deserves a fresh start and it's not fair to start from the basis that things will go wrong, but you do need to consider that she's been permanently excluded (which takes some doing these days) so there have been some problems with school already.

You sound like a really kind-hearted person, but this isn't the only way for you to help. Just being a friend's mum who acts kindly when she visits your house might help. And there will be support systems in place at school- the relevant professional bodies should be providing appropriate help for this girls, and you've raised this particular concern so the school is aware.

Inertia thank you for that - that is the role I will have to play, and am happy to do as well.

If B wants to come round and hang out with DD2 then that is one thing; I can then reserve judgement on where/if they go out from here (rural - sod all to do! so they can stay in and not get in to trouble) but I can create a bit of a protection zone for DD2 in terms of school.

hardgoing and suburbophobe you are both right too; thing is, I'm an ok person, not the best, but you know... it's just sad for B.