... to think this might turn into an issue? - school run related

[boschy]

Sorry, this is a long one! Our established school routine is that I drive my 2 DDs and a friend of the younger one - A - to secondary school in the mornings, and they bus home. DD2 and A have been really good friends since first days at primary, although my 2 moved to a different primary when youngest was in Y2. Current arrangement works perfectly well, never any issues, if I can't do school run for any reason then A's mum takes them - means they get in very early though, which is why I usually take A. So far so good.

At DD2's new primary she became best friends with B. A bit of a rocky friendship, B was possessive of DD2 and jealous of her having other friends. When they went their separate ways to diff secondary schools it was a bit of a relief to be honest - although I do like B, have had her here loads, nice kid etc.

B has now moved to our school, on a 'managed move' following exclusion from her previous school for general poor behaviour and fighting - they've just gone into Y8, so she must have been pretty difficult to get permanently excluded within a year. She's had 6 weeks out of school, so this is her first week at our school. B's mum is a single parent, and from primary school I know they struggle desperately for money. Sunday night we got a call - from B - saying could we give her a lift in on Monday because her Mum didnt have the bus money. Fine I said. this morning at 7am another call from B - can she come with us this morning. Umm, OK I said.

This is where I get to the dilemma:

On the one hand I dont really want to get dragged into having another child in the car every morning, having to wait around if she's late (she gets the bus to ours), just a different dynamic to the one I am used to. Plus, I am a bit concerned about A latching on to DD2 as her best friend again, given that DD2 has made lots of new friends since being at secondary school, has a nice group etc. I'm also concerned that if A's behaviour worsens again it could either encourage DD2 to behave badly or just rub off on her by association - this is worst case scenario I suppose.

On the other hand, it could be very helpful to B - the bus she would otherwise get to school is the one my kids don't get, basically because it is 'rough' - smoking, swearing, chucking stuff etc. My 2 categorically refuse to go on it, hence the driving. B could well get herself into a whole set of new trouble by going on that bus; instead she's in the car with a 'nice' mummy and 'nice' girls, no opportunity for aggro and guaranteed arrival at school on time every day.

So it works for B; it doesnt necessarily cause me a problem - at the moment - but I do feel slightly as if it is becoming a fait accompli, and I dont like that the child (rather than mum) phones to ask for the lift - because I cant really say 'no' to a 12 year old who I know has had a hard time at one school and needs to get herself sorted at the new one.

Arrgh! AIBU to be worried, or do I just suck it up until something goes wrong?

yes, you could end up with hassle but, in my opinion, you could be more help more than you are planning to be. The fact you are embarrassed to explain your decision not to help truthfully to DD2 is telling (sorry to be blunt). B's mother sounds rude and ungrateful but she is not B. You should help when/where you can in life. One day someone will help you or your children.

I am surprised and saddened by the general "I'm alright Jack" attitude you are being advised to adopt. Some kids have crap parents and a helping hand form another benevolent adult can change their lives. Sorry, OP, I think you are intending to be selfish where you could have opted to be generous and show your own DC through action how decent, kind, civilised people help the vulnerable.

It is a good start to have B over now and then. Perhaps you will then see her as more of a person in her own right and feel more comfortable about the lifts.

wisebird I think you've maybe misunderstood. I do like this child, I've known her since she was 7, she's been here many many times, slept over etc etc. I actually think I have helped her in the past quite a lot... but I cant take the risk that my DD will get dragged into anything, I've got to put mine first. And I was planning to take her every day (with some misgivings) til I got a pretty strong warning from a very senior member of staff at school, plus advice both pro and against on here.

B came to school with us this morning by the way, so we'll see what happens next - although I have said to mum I cant do it regularly.

I know it's difficult, and absolutely you must ensure your own child comes to no harm BUT, within that framework, being able to help others, and have your DDs see that you do, is a wonderful thing. I cannot imagine regularly driving to school, with a space in the car, with a 12 yo who has asked for a lift waiting at some bus stop for a "rough" bus, possibly without enough money and definitely with a troubled background. It just seems so sad when you could help. But it's your call and you know the personalities. Just don't hold the fact that B's Mum is inadequate as a mark against the child - it is no doubt because her mum is inadequate that she is rather more in need of a helping hand.

OP -- I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years ago, when I used to take my 3 DC to primary school by car (most of the children at the school were very local to it and walked there, but my DS has disabilities and therfore went to this school as the most suitable, followed by DDs as siblings). Anyway, deputy head asked me to give lift to school to a girl in DS class who was not a friend of his, but who had moved to live near us. It was well known at the school that this girl (Y) had a difficult home life, as her mum was misusing drink and drugs.

Although I had misgivings, largely based on the difficulty of getting three children, one physically disabled, up, fed, washed and into car on time, never mind picking up an additional child, I agreed as felt was least I could do given I knew child Y had tough time.
I gave lifts to Y for a while, during which time from the comments she made it was evident that she was very neglected at home -- eg. talking 19 to dozen because so pleased an adult had an interest in her life, including telling sad story of having cold curry for breakfast as no other food in the house, and surprised when we asked her about her day etc.
However, DD2 who was only about 6 at the time and very anxious about being good,being on time etc found it increasingly distressing that child Y would quite often be late for the pick up and so we would have to wait for her to show up and DD2 would get into big panic about us being late. (I could not just drive on, because would mean leaving child Y all alone some way from school in the certain knowledge that no one would be checking up on what had happened to her, as her mum would not )
After a few weeks, the arrangement broke down anyway as mum moved on to different place not on our route.
TBH on the basis of my experience, I am not sure that I buy the idea you are able to 'turn round' someone else's child life just by giving a lift. In the event, although I told my DC that we were doing the lift because Y's Mum could use a hand and Y didn't want to be late for school, in fact I ended up feeling guilty that DD2 became so distressed some mornings -- didn't really seem fair on her to prioritise another child's needs when in doing so I was really only scratching at the surface of that child's problems. The fundamental problems child Y had were to do with her mum's chaotic lifestyle, so were much deeper rooted and could not be solved just by one other adult being friendly. (And to cap it all, deputy head never thanked me for essentially sorting out his problem and eventually was very unhelpful to me about DD1's secondary school placement, so no brownie points there, even !).
The scenario I've outlined (at length!) isn't directly comparable, but I'd say you should not feel guilty that you are somehow failing B by not giving daily liftts.

I know exactly what you are saying, and as I said earlier, I do feel like a heel, you probably couldnt make me feel any worse than I do! But its not just about me is it? its also about DD1, DD2 and friend A, all of whom I am responsible for.

I think I will have to settle for telling DD2 that B can come over whenever she likes, and I am going to explain to her tonight when I get 15 mins alone with her why it is a difficult situation re the lift in the mornings.

boschy you can still be supportive of B without taking her to school everyday. You have already said you are happy for her to come after school.

You have helped in the past however your gut feeling is that taking B to school every day isn't the right thing for your family/ current arrangement. You know the situation bests; I think you are right.

UPDATE: not good.

B's managed move has not been a success, so she will be returning to her previous school in Jan (unless they wont take her and she has to go somewhere else I suppose).

Her behaviour was just "too disruptive"; I got no more detail than that, but knowing the lengths this school will go to to support difficult pupils I know it must have been pretty bad.

Sad.

Surely other pupils at the school know and can spill the beans on what B does that is classed as "disruptive". Must be pretty bad, as you say, and won't have gone un-noticed by other pupils in her classes.