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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know why I dont get birthday presents from my daughter?

101 replies

BIGWORD · 21/11/2011 12:41

Okay. Im old enough to know that the world doesnt revolve around me. I know people have their own priorities and that birthdays after the age of 12 are small beer really.

My oldest daughter (late 20s) never gives me (or her Dad) a birthday present.We do get a card as she usually remembers the dates . She lives some way away from us but she always shops online and is enthusiatic about looking for just the right thing .But not for us.

Money isnt a problem for her and we actually visit very regularly - so its not as if she doesnt know what we like and appreciate.I see my friends having gifts showered upon them by their children and I feel so envious .My other children are great and think of nice things to give me so Im not totally abandoned on my birthday . But I always feel terrible as I am acutely aware that someone who was once my baby just ignors me on that day. I dont get a phone call either.

I dont know why Im even posting this as theres nothing anyone can do. I would die before mentioning it to her or even to her siblings .

OP posts:
Merlotmonster · 21/11/2011 12:44

thats really sad Thanks Does she buy you anything at christmas??

InDulciJubilo · 21/11/2011 12:46

I have a DS and DiL whom I love and I know they love me. I don't care if they don't send me a birthday or Christmas present. They live 6000 miles away. If I'm with them or they are with me, I do get a present. I like to give them presents (and their DSs) even if I have to post them but I do not expect anyting in return. Just knowing they are there is enough for me.

ajandjjmum · 21/11/2011 12:47

Very odd as it's never mentioned. Maybe you should forget her birthday one year?

Memoo · 21/11/2011 12:53

I can't stand it when people expect a gift. You don't measure love with gifts I think you need to let it go.

ajandjjmum · 21/11/2011 12:57

It's not just the gift Memoo - it's the total lack of acknowledgement of it being a special day. No phone call. Nothing. I'd be hurt too.

LoveInAColdClimate · 21/11/2011 12:58

That is so sad. You poor thing.

mrsjay · 21/11/2011 13:01

I think i would be hurt if an adult child cant be bothered to wish her mum a happy Birthdayop do you remember hers i bet you do . I would say something to her or mention her total lack of respect , why dont you mention it . I would its not about the presents is it its the fact that shes not bothering I would be hurt .

Trills · 21/11/2011 13:01

YABU to want to know and be this sad and then say "I would die before mentioning it".

If you want to know why someone does something then just bloody talk to them.

HattiFattner · 21/11/2011 13:01

I would also be sad.

I think I would speak to her about it - tell her how hurt you were that she did not even take the trouble to call. The present is a red herring TBH - do you still send her stuff? If so, maybe its time to stop and just send a card next year.

pigletmania · 21/11/2011 13:02

Yes you do need to let it go and stop being so childlike about it, not like you don't get anything for your birthday. My mum is the opposite, she hates any money being spent on her.

OvenThatCookedManyBuns · 21/11/2011 13:03

I'd be hurt too.That must make you feel very sad.It's not about expecting presents Memoo it's about showing your love and wanting to help your nearest relative celebrate their birthday. A phone call costs virtually nothing but would make a world of difference.
Have you ever fallen out with your DD OP?What do her siblings think about this?My DB was always useless with money when he was younger and couldn't always afford a present but he always sent a card and called on birthdays.

TopazMortmain · 21/11/2011 13:03

I think you should ask her as there is obviously a reason which might be very prosaic and reasonable. Ask in a non confrontational and very calm way one day and don't let it escalate into an argument. I always just buy my mother flowers as she rejected or criticized every gift for years. Silly reason and not saying it applies here.
You'll never know if you don't ask...

Get0rf · 21/11/2011 13:04

This is very sad.

However, you should speak to her. Why would you be hesitatnt about saying 'oi, dd, where is my birthday present?'

DD buys me stuff, even if it is only a fiver's worth.

It is not about the gift as such, rather the sentiment. But OP you should say something to her.

Stormfromeast · 21/11/2011 13:05

Maybe she's just not a presents person. She hasn't forgotten your birthday because sends you a card every year. How would a present makes it any different? It's purely material. The thought is more important.

ceebie · 21/11/2011 13:05

You DO need to speak to her no-matter how much you don't want to, because if you don't it will fester and have a negative impact on your relationship with her.

The present doesn't matter so much but a phone call and/or card should not be too much trouble.

OvenThatCookedManyBuns · 21/11/2011 13:05

I can't believe some of the bitchy comments on this thread.Maybe some of you will feel differently when your LOs decide to ignore your birthdays as they get older and then you can see how you like it.

LoveBeingAFirework · 21/11/2011 13:05

You really have no idea at all? What do your other children say about it?

Bennifer · 21/11/2011 13:05

Is she mature? The reason I ask is because I remember that when I Was a child I never bought a card for my uncles and aunts - that was something my mum did - but I still expected cards from them. When I turned 18, it became something I was expected to do, and it was shift. Does she not got that she's an adult yet?

Bennifer · 21/11/2011 13:06

Excuse the spelling in that last post

HappyCamel · 21/11/2011 13:07

Stop being a kid and sulking and talk to her. Say "shall we do reciprocal birthday presents or shall we stop them and just do cards, which would you prefer"?

Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 21/11/2011 13:13

I'd be sad as well, you should show her this thread.

Yama · 21/11/2011 13:15

YABU

You want to know why but you wont ask? How do you propose to find out then?

Clawdy · 21/11/2011 13:16

Could you get a sibling of hers,or your dh to have a quiet word? I agree with you,it is hurtful.

PeppaPigandGeorge · 21/11/2011 13:17

I don't think the daughter is unreasonable and I wouldn't give a fig if my children don't get me a present in years to come. The daughter here does send a card so she doesn't just ignore the occasion.

Perhaps the OP is very difficult to buy for - she sounds very picky and seems to want to be "showered" with presents like her friends.

lesley33 · 21/11/2011 13:20

I totally understand why you are sad about this. However, she might just not realise this is an issue. She does send you a card, so she might think that is fine. People IME have very different opinions about birthdays and how important they are, particularly with adults.

Just do what my mum does to me - Oh so and sos daughter is wonderful she always.... (insert what my mum wants me to do).