To want to know why I dont get birthday presents from my daughter?

[BIGWORD]

Okay. Im old enough to know that the world doesnt revolve around me. I know people have their own priorities and that birthdays after the age of 12 are small beer really.

My oldest daughter (late 20s) never gives me (or her Dad) a birthday present.We do get a card as she usually remembers the dates . She lives some way away from us but she always shops online and is enthusiatic about looking for just the right thing .But not for us.

Money isnt a problem for her and we actually visit very regularly - so its not as if she doesnt know what we like and appreciate.I see my friends having gifts showered upon them by their children and I feel so envious .My other children are great and think of nice things to give me so Im not totally abandoned on my birthday . But I always feel terrible as I am acutely aware that someone who was once my baby just ignors me on that day. I dont get a phone call either.

I dont know why Im even posting this as theres nothing anyone can do. I would die before mentioning it to her or even to her siblings .

Hmm.

I feel a bit sorry for you. I'm a similar age to your daughter and wouldn't dream of not marking my parents birthdays and always send a card and phone on the day.

Gifts I'm less good at primarily because my Mother is very bad about letting us know what she wants and random guesses inevitably get returned (M&S do well!) so she usually ends up with token flowers or chocolates unless I know she wants something.

My Dad ALWAYS complains about his gift - regardless of how thoughtful or appropriate it is (eg. expensive bit of home entertainment equipment that I can categorically say he uses everyday and loves. When first given it he complained that my siblings and I hadn't paid the extra 50quid to get the silver one as the black didn't match the rest of his set up. As it was really expensive, even in black, that was really hurtful as the reason we bought it was that he was refusing to do so because of cost (as in he could afford it but thought it was too expensive).

I suggest that next birthday you organise something eg. a family dinner to maybe re establish the gift giving habit if this bothers you.

In fact that is the present my parents value most these days - all of us (spouses/ children included these days) around the same table. Much more valuable to them than yet another M&S cardigan!

Oh and my siblings and I never have any faith in the others ability to remember birthdays so most family members (we have quite a large family) inevitably end up with three cards/gifts:

1. lurker & co, lurkers sibling 1 and lurkers sibling 2
2. sibling 1 & spouse, lurker, and sibling 2
3. sibling 2, lurker and sibling 1.

It usually takes quite a long time to sort out who has actually given what especially for my poor confused grandparents.

YANBU. I am in my twenties and cannot imagine ignoring my Mum's birthday. Has it always been like this? Has it ever been mentionned by any of your other children?

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion of organising something on your birthday, a family meal, eg., and seeing what happens then.

Im quite surprised at the amount of replies to this post. I thought a few replies before it dropped off the page at best.

To address some queries
I have a good relationship with her and all my children (I have 4 ,2 boys 2 girls all older than late teens) . We dont argue and get along well .
I have had a present from her when we were together on the actual day -although it was a group ticket to a show she wanted to see (but thought I would like it too).
For her birthday I buy her all sorts of things I think she would like -books ,cds, little cute things I know she collects. She likes them and uses them as I have seen them in use so its not that they are looked as as tat and thrown in a cupboard.
We all give each other presents normally,throughout the wider family too.
There really isnt anything in the background Im keeping back. No back story of abuse or neglect. Just a boring normal northern upbringing with 2 parents ,3 siblings not too close in age and just enough money to go round.
Presents for birthdays and christmas for all and a few specials inbetween.
I do get a christmas present -nothing that would count as a double present though.
Im not hard to buy for .I have hobbies that are always in need of tools etc and I am an avid reader.I have never ever returned a gift.

Its definitely not the money. My youngest finished a wooden plaque for my work room just in time for my birthday .It cost him nothing but a bit of time and some forethought and I really appreciated that.
I have enough 'stuff'.Im well looked after by the rest of the family . But it saddens me to have nothing -not even a knitted ipod case (which she makes for other people)-from my oldest daughter.It is the lack of recognition of the special day that matters so much not the acquisition of more things.

And I would die before mentioning it to her -not to make myself a martyr ( Im a big girl now) but because I know she would be excruciatingly embarrassed and upset to know how hurt I am by this.

I think not mentioning it to her is silly. Yes she might get upset, but at the moment you are upset and it is a remediable thing. You don't need to go OTT about it but you could say that you feel a bit upset when she forgets your birthdays in the same way that she'd be upset if you forgot hers and that now she's an adult sending cards and gifts for birthdays is supposed to be reciprocal and that you love her and miss her.

Bigword I'm not surprised you're upset, and I think some of the other responses have been a bit unkind. As a child I always fell over backwards for mum's birthday, mothers day etc but when it came to my turn my kids CBA. They "forget" :(

It doesn't help that DH doesn't do birthdays and always makes sure he's working on his so there's no fuss. The children all seem to take their cue from him, altho I'm sure they'd be less than impressed if I "forgot" theirs.

A couple of years back I got nothing at all on Mothers Day. No cards, no calls. Nothing. (There are 4 of them, so I'd expect one to remember) I was really upset and made a note on FB to that effect. They managed to remember my birthday that year

tbh, I would be really hurt if my child chose to not buy me a gift when I knew that they bought other people gifts for their birthdays and in fact went to a lot of trouble to make sure she got them something lovely.

I would, naturally I think, wonder if perhaps I had done something to her!

It isn't about getting a gift. Hell, if it was about the object, it's easy enough to go to the shops yourself and buy yourself whatever you want!

It's about the sentiment. The thought. And the knowledge that while this person goes to great lengths to give to other people, she does not wish to give to me. And while that is her right, it is still hurtful. NOT that you aren't getting something, but the feeling that they don't WANT to.

It baffles me when people think that it's about getting a pen or a box of chocolates or a necklace or something. sooooooooo missing the point!

Did you start early enough? When I was a lone parent I used to give DS some money, leave him in charge of an assistant in a chemist's shop and he used to pick something and they would gift wrap it. He loved doing it, I got surprise.
We have always been quite big on presents, surprises and disguised wrapping-not that we spend much- so they naturally carry on when they have their own money.

I would be hurt too.I have a grown up dd and ds and 3 steps-although we are estranged from sd the others all give me presents for birthday and Christmas, it doesnt much matter what-just a little something to say[as the ad used to]'I saw this and thought of you.'

I have a great relationship with both my parents and think of myself as a considerate daughter (or at least I did until reading this thread!!), but I would not normally send them a birthday present - except for "big" birthdays.
I honestly never realised this was unusual. DH doesn't give his parents presents either, and I don't think my brother does.

They do buy me a present (although I wouldn't be offended if they didn't).

Maybe it's because in our family presents tend to be practical items rather than frivolous treats, and in my mind they don't really need more "stuff" as they are at the age when they have a house full of things they have been accumulating for years, whereas my DH and I are at a different stage in our lives.

I do send cards and try to make a phone call (although I'm sure I've forgotten some years!).

So OP, if you find this reassuring, for me it means absolutely nothing in terms of how much I love them. It's just not something I do!

It sounds as though you have normal regular contact with her, she sent a card for your birthday, she sends (brings?) gifts at Christmas, there are presumably no hard feelings or resentments. You said in your first post that she doesn't send gifts to her dad either, does he feel the same way as you? How about her brothers and sisters?

Looking at it from her side, does she have lots going on in her life at the moment? Is her work keeping her busy/preoccupied?

I'm sorry that you are sad about this. I do think it would be best if you spoke directly to her, tho!

i think it's really strange, especially if she buys christmas presents and for other family members. my family discuss christmas and birthday presents every year e.g £10 limit for christmas, cash to help out someone saving for a mobile phone so everyone has a chance to discuss their preferences.

she obviously doesn't think it's necessary but the only reason i would think that myself is if a someone had said very clearly 'no presents please' or donate to a worthy cause instead or something.

Honestly, if she makes knitted ipods covers for other people (they sound cool!) I would just ask her to make one for you! Not as a birthday present, just because. I'm sure she would be flattered, especially if you made a big deal about how nice it is when you got it.

Honestly, if she makes knitted ipods covers for other people (they sound cool!) I would just ask her to make one for you! Not as a birthday present, just because. I'm sure she would be flattered, especially if you made a big deal about how nice it is when you got it.

I am late 20s i dont buy a present for my dad, i normally call. We dont argue or have a bad relationship but neither are we close altough we did live together until i was 18. If he went out of his way to get me presents etc then i would probably get him one back i wouldnt leave it one sided but as it is no one expects anything.

Oh I dunno. I'd love to stop giving my mum birthday presents, she's very difficult to buy for and doesn't seem to appreciate anything I choose. In fact, quite the opposite, I often get, "Oh, I'll never use that!" comments about them .

Ok now you have made me feel bad. I don't buy presents for my mum or dad for their birthdays either. I also live away and could afford to. I buy them something small each for Christmas. I suppose reason is that they don't buy for me at all but they buy for my children. I wouldn't look into it too deeply if I were you x

I have grown up children and stepchildren and I'd be surprised not to get a call or text or, from the two that are usually working abroad, a Skype call. I really don't expect to be "showered with presents" either. However, I'm very lucky in that all the "children" in the extended family are thoughtful but equally, I don't expect anyone currently thousands of miles away to be sending anything except their best wishes. Those nearer home will buy or make me something and I love that and feel very cherished.

If I were you, OP, I would mention that you'd love a hand-knitted iPod case or similar. It may be that your daughter simply doesn't realise you feel a bit hurt at the lack of any sort of birthday offering. But unless you say something, how is she to know to do differently?

From what you say, it seems a little odd. Maybe she doesn't place value on gifts?

I don't get this adult birthday presents thing. In our family we don't really do it unless there is something the person particularly wants, or you end up with more needless clutter. Often we forget altogether .

Your DD remembers your birthday, and she sends a card. That seems like good filial devotion to me! If you want more, you need to ask!

Why shouldn't adults get birthday presents on their birthdays?

We have cut down on adult birthdays, but we always do children and parents.

I am wondering is the real problem not about remembering this one day but about your relationship being a bit one-sided: does she ever put herself out for you in any other way? I don't care terribly about cards or days, but what I would like to see by that age is some sign that my dd is not just a taker. A friend's dd's went through a stage of only being around to collect their own Christmas and birthday presents, but ignoring everybody else's birthdays; it looked dreadful.

It seems to me there are two possibilities. She hasn't forgotton, because she sent a card, so either she knows you expect a present and deliberately doesn't get one, which is cruel, or she geniunely thinks a card is enough. Which do you think it's more likely to be? YOu say you have plenty of stuff, maybe she knows this and sees buying/posting a present to be a waste of time and money? If it's the thought that counts, I don't see how getting a card doesn't show she's thought about you, they don't write and post themselves (i wish they did!)

If you were together on your birthday do you think she would bring you something?

i woulden't expect a gift from my daughter you get a card fromher so least she remembers