To want to know why I dont get birthday presents from my daughter?

[BIGWORD]

Okay. Im old enough to know that the world doesnt revolve around me. I know people have their own priorities and that birthdays after the age of 12 are small beer really.

My oldest daughter (late 20s) never gives me (or her Dad) a birthday present.We do get a card as she usually remembers the dates . She lives some way away from us but she always shops online and is enthusiatic about looking for just the right thing .But not for us.

Money isnt a problem for her and we actually visit very regularly - so its not as if she doesnt know what we like and appreciate.I see my friends having gifts showered upon them by their children and I feel so envious .My other children are great and think of nice things to give me so Im not totally abandoned on my birthday . But I always feel terrible as I am acutely aware that someone who was once my baby just ignors me on that day. I dont get a phone call either.

I dont know why Im even posting this as theres nothing anyone can do. I would die before mentioning it to her or even to her siblings .

i havent bought my mum or sd a pressie this year, and its purely because i couldnt afford to, i got a card and wrote a nice msg in it. and aslo explained i couldnt afford it. some days she is fine with this somedays she isnt.
i have gotten pressies before but i am really really forgetful, somethimes i have to check what date dd2 was born!
i have missed sd bday by one day before, and had my usual verbal beating from mother about what a cruel, hopeless worthless bitch of a daughter i am, how i never think of anyone but myself, how dissapointed she is in me as a person.... blah blah blah, so when it comes to their birthdays, and all i have been able to afford is a card i dont want to call her or him on their birthday because i dont know if i am going to get a friendly convosation or a character assasignation.
so sometimes i dont bother calling.
not saying for a second this is the case here, but its the case for me.

OP, how about you send her a wish list, about a month before your birthday?

Funnily enough, I was going to post about my sister not giving my children anything on their birthdays. Has plenty of time to blog endlessly about her preoccupations but not remember even a card. I give her children presents every year and have done for many years despite me having less money that her. However, there was a time when I was crap at remembering birthdays and I sometimes think she is paying me back for my crapness from years ago....It has made me think and it means I can't really complain to her for being slack now.

I think you are right to feel upset, but on the plus side, your daughter is possibly confident enough of your love not to bother. If you didn't bother with her present one year, I expect it would bring her up short.

I wouldn't bother feeling envious of your friends being showered with gifts OP. I'll bet their children are only thinking of the inheritance on the 'sprat to catch a mackerel' principle.

You get a card - that is as much as most people get from their adult children.

I'd be inclined to let it go if I were you.

Bakelitebelle - "not remember even a card" is pretty shitty but that isn't whats going on here?

Thank you for your post.

This year, thanks to you, I have sent my father his usual card - but I also made sure I added in a present, a phone call and a text.

He is bloody thrilled. So thank you for making me think.

Can you start an amazon wish list and ask the others to also?

LineRunnerSaturnalia - that's nice. Good for you.

This may benefit both you and your daughter: www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/.

Don't talk to her, talk to her siblings and let them relay it to her. My mother was badly hurt on her 40th when only I remembered and bought a gift. Everyone else tried to make it up to her afterwards, but it was an unforgetable hurt I think. Now my middle sister is well off and loves to shop, but has a very weird attitude to gifting - she only does it when she has a great idea for a gift. So I rarely get anything from her, and Mum doesn't either. When we do get something, it is usually very generous and unexpected and not even on a holiday... I called her one year to tell her Mum was very hurt as she had not even mentioned mothers day or given mum a card, when they LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, while myself and our other sister had snet packages across the world. Since I talked to her she has realised that she needs to acknowledge some days, at least with a phone call.

Some people are a little more self absorbed than others and your daughter may have no idea how hurt you are and be oblivious to it because she herself doesn't put much importance on her own birthday... get the siblings to pass the message on and see if it works.

Have you ever mentioned anything about birthdays, when the children were younger even? I only ask because DM always told us that all she ever wanted for her birthday or Mother's day was a card and not to waste our money on her. Me and Dsis always get her present and card but she's lucky if our brothers even send her a card. She pretends she doesn't mind and would never tell the lads how she feels but we know it bothers her and so I'd say the same as flying get the siblings involved. I always remind my brothers that birthday/Mother's day is upcoming and sometimes suggest the latest cd or something so they know what she'd like.

I can understand what the OP means. It's not even so much the present, but the thought behind it.

Apparently the DD spends lots of time on line buying for everyone else, but forgets the one person who made it possible for her to be here. I'll bet the OP would be thrilled with a bunch of flowers.

My sister informed me that she had purchased a very expensive sewing machine for MY DD for Christmas.

The reason she has done this is because my DD is the only one of her nieces and nephews who remembers her birthday.

DD always buys her a card and a VERY small gift. It truely is the thought that counts.

When I told my sister that DD doesn't expect anything she told me that she's doing it because she loves DD and even though DD lives a very busy and modest life, she always manages to remember her.

But OP's daughter does remember her, she just doesn't send a gift, she sends a card. Is the thought behind sending a card worth less than the thought behind sending a gift? Or is it just that the card itself is worth less?

Does she have a busy life? Does she work, does she have children of her own?

OP, I think that if it is causing you so much sadness then you would be best served by telling her directly, rather than letting it fester. She does not even realise you feel hurt, and yet you are telling potentially hundreds of strangers on the internet. You will get dozens of replies like this, with sympathetic nods and suggestions as to her reasoning, but you won't get the desired result - which is to get presents from her - unless you let her know directly.

You give your dead parents presents?

Lots of people visit their parents' graves at Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays and give them flowers or other little gifts. My dad takes holly wreath to out family plot every Christmas Day.

But you see that's at cross purposes with the point of this thread.

1. OP's daughter does remember her birthday.
2. She just doesn't give her a gift on that occasion.
3. She gives OP, and other family members, gifts on other occasions.
4. She sends a card on OP's birthday.

Why is it not reasonable for the OP to address the issue directly with her daughter? Presumably they love each other and want to be honest. Posting about it to strangers on the internet is not being honest and open with her loved one.

Maybe the OP's looking for confirmation that she wouldn't be unreasonable to raise it as an issue.

I was amazed how happy was dad was to get a present from me. I suppose I thought he wouldn't be bothered because he already has so much stuff... But it really seems to be an emotional not a material thing.

I think a comment to one of your other children should be enough to get it sorted, OP.

Perhaps she thinks you have enough 'stuff' or that you can buy anything you need/want for yourself, so gifts for you aren't necessary.

If I were you, I'd ring her on your birthday to thank her for the card - I'm sure she'd wish you a happy birthday then - you could say you were going out and wanted to catch her in case she was thinking of phoning you? Guilt-trip her out of her thoughtlessness.

I wonder if, like my mum, you occasionally mention that as you get older, you want less stuff, or you complain about the amount of things in your house, etc?

I have to admit that I'm very bad at birthdays full stop. I just don't see them as terribly important, and I don't really mind whether I get presents from my family or not. It's nice to get presents, but there's a point at which I start to feel slightly uncomfortable and overwhelmed. And I never send anyone a card as I can't see the point. I suspect I forgot my dad's birthday again this year, but I actually couldn't remember one way or another.

The issue is probably not the physical gift. It's the fact that they were not thinking of you on your special day, that is much more hurtful. I have the same problem with my daughter.

Yeah, it's definitely selfish and grabby to expect some kind of birthday present from your own daughter.

Wow, who'd have thought that a gift might elicit an emotional response?