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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know why I dont get birthday presents from my daughter?

101 replies

BIGWORD · 21/11/2011 12:41

Okay. Im old enough to know that the world doesnt revolve around me. I know people have their own priorities and that birthdays after the age of 12 are small beer really.

My oldest daughter (late 20s) never gives me (or her Dad) a birthday present.We do get a card as she usually remembers the dates . She lives some way away from us but she always shops online and is enthusiatic about looking for just the right thing .But not for us.

Money isnt a problem for her and we actually visit very regularly - so its not as if she doesnt know what we like and appreciate.I see my friends having gifts showered upon them by their children and I feel so envious .My other children are great and think of nice things to give me so Im not totally abandoned on my birthday . But I always feel terrible as I am acutely aware that someone who was once my baby just ignors me on that day. I dont get a phone call either.

I dont know why Im even posting this as theres nothing anyone can do. I would die before mentioning it to her or even to her siblings .

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/11/2011 13:20

I dont think the OP wants to be showered with presents i just think she wants her daughter to perhaps think about her for 5 minutes and get her a gift shes thought out and bought for her mother , Im sure the daughter buys nice things for her own friends why should her mum not be important too on her birthday , christ on a bike the daughter could send her some interflora flowers to say have a lovely birthday mum .

Skillbo · 21/11/2011 13:20

I don't always send one to my mum but do remember the milestone ones - on the other hand, I haven't had one from my parents since I was about 20 - and Xmas presents pretty much stopped at 18..

Funnily enough - MIL gets remembered but she is the sort of lady that gets you a card and a gift for any occasion they sell a card for Grin - lovely lady!

thebigkahuna · 21/11/2011 13:21

I buy stuff for my Mum and she shoves it in a drawer and doesn't look at it.

I stopped buying my Dad father's presents for the same reason. My Mum bitched that DH had bought his Dad a father's day present but that I didn't buy anything for my Dad last year. I bought him something this year and gave it to him when he came to visit and he left it behind and never mentioned it again - forgot all about it.

I'm not saying you wouldn't appreciate your gift OP - just trying to explain how it can sometimes be from the other side.

FredFredGeorge · 21/11/2011 13:21

If you need gifts for validation of your daughters love then you need to tell her, you have no right to expect one, but if you ask her, then she'll probably do it. Not everyone likes giving or receiving gifts or celebrating birthdays, the fact you get a card is already more than I do for my parents, they're lucky to get a phone call or message on facebook.

Gifts are not important.

redskyatnight · 21/11/2011 13:21

Me and my mum don't get on. but I send her a present every year (to keep the peace). DH does get on with his mum. Some years he sends her a present, some year he doesn't. he does sometimes send her odd other things during the year, or do things to help her out.

Conclusion - the present is not the be all and end all, the relationship between you is more important.

squeakytoy · 21/11/2011 13:26

I dont think the OP is unreasonable at all.. it isnt nice that an adult daughter cant be arsed to put a bit of thought into getting a gift for her parents.

notyummy · 21/11/2011 13:29

Fredfred - I think that's harsh. If your DCs can manage a phone call on your birthday than that is pretty bloody selfish IMHO. Unless there is a history of unreasonable behaviour/mis-treatment by a parent then I don't see why a call - and a present (although that is not as important) is too much to ask.

notyummy · 21/11/2011 13:29

can't manage a phone call Blush

naturalbaby · 21/11/2011 13:32

was there ever a time when she did anything for your birthdays? has she got siblings? do they get presents?

where do you think she got the idea that you and your dh don't get presents for your birthdays but everyone else should?

ladyintheradiator · 21/11/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

galletti · 21/11/2011 13:39

Fred Fred, I think your comment says a lot about you, rather than the OP. Gifts may not be important, but a phone call or message on facebook to your own parents might be nice!

verlainechasedrimbauds · 21/11/2011 13:44

I have one forgetful child and one remembering child. They are both lovely. I am always very touched by and grateful for the thoughfulness of the remembering child but I don't assume I am less loved by the forgetful child, I just accept it as part of his make-up. He is thoughtful and kind when we meet or chat but remembering to send me a card or a present is not one of his strong points!

It's actually better for my peace of mind to behave in this accepting way, because he is forgetful and I don't think he is likely to change - I just accept that this is how it is and don't take it as a personal insult. He would be available in a crisis but birthdays pass him by.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 21/11/2011 13:45

Birthdays sometimes pass him by I mean. He doesn't always forget!

mrsjay · 21/11/2011 13:45

Notymummy i agree with you its selfish and selfcentred of the daughter to not think her mum is important on her birthday , this might seem trivial to some but i think its important to show your mum you care on her birthday i get my own mum i wouldnt think not too , and my dds remember mine , its not that i want showered with diamonds and champers (would be nice though) but by not remembering its like our feelings are unimportant , hope i made sense

OrmIrian · 21/11/2011 13:47

I can understand how that would upset you. Perhaps she thinks you are secure in her love for you so she doesn't need to make the effort?

fred - I think your post says more about you than the OP. Are your parents really not worthy of even a phone call on their birthday?

Wilfimina · 21/11/2011 13:48

I feel like I have to put things from the other perspective. There's not really enough info on the relationship to comment. To be truthful you could actually be my mum OP as I live away and don't struggle but I never send my mum anything for birthdays or Christmas.

I do have a reason however. I spent years, once I started earning, buying gifts that I thought my mum would like and she never did. It was all binned or given away sharpish.

Also she hasn't sent me so much as a card for about the last 11 years. I wouldn't mind if she wasn't a big gift or card sender however I know she spends shedloads on my cousins who she professes to not like. It hurts to know she cba with me.

FredFredGeorge · 21/11/2011 13:50

galletti notyummy It's the special casing the birthday - if you have no contact at all the rest of year, ignore your parents etc. and then shower them with gifts on their birthday - is that better than just having normal contact throughout the year and no present (but contact) on the birthday? Because I think not, the needing of a present seems pretty unreasonable to me, how can you possibly be in need of that from your child?

CaptainNancy · 21/11/2011 13:51

I think the fact that she doesn't phone either suggests there's more to this than the OP is divulging.

OP- how do you celebrate your DD's birthday?

You claim to be envious of friends being 'showered' with gifts, yet you say your other children give you nice things Confused Are their gifts not as good as DD1's?

ragged · 21/11/2011 13:51

I am one of those who tends to forget...
It's impossible to know what my dad would like without quizzing my step-mum closely, he lives far away and I'd have to order it to be delivered & he (or my step-mum) would have the faff of returning if it were wrong.
I have told him all this, he laughs uncomfortably. He doesn't send me gifts either (generally); I actively discourage him from buying me stuff as I am so stupidly fussy, too. tbh, I find it quite liberating that we don't "need" to exchange material gifts.
He lives in a tiny flat & has no spare space for anything unnecessary.
I do phone on his birthday, and I send Oxfam goat-type gifts for Xmas, though.

I am not really sure why you can't just ask, OP? Just ask for a birthday phone call, maybe? My dad always rings if I forget to ring him for his birthday (oh and same on Fathers' Day, I am pants about that one, too).

QuintesentialShadows · 21/11/2011 13:52

Do you have a habit of birthday presents in your home? Did you take her shopping for gifts for daddy when she was little, or did your dp take her out shopping for your present? If so, when did the presents stop?
Do you give her a present? Do your other children give you presents? Do you ever show her, or talk to her about what your other children gave you for your birthday, etc?

We need more information!

vess · 21/11/2011 13:53

Wouldn't bother me at all, TBH. I see birthday and xmas presents for adults as entirely optional, if not unnesesary.
I do get presents for my mum and dad, though.

mummymccar · 21/11/2011 15:16

How sad, I can see why you'd be upset. I think the poster up thread that said it may be that she just hasn't grown up enough yet was probably spot on.

May I ask you if she does this to other members of the family too?

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 21/11/2011 15:33

Hmm, reminds me a bit of my MIL. Her 60th was around the time DD1 was due so we had a lot on our plates, but were talking about maybe having a surprise party. But every time the subject of birthdays came up she kept saying 'don't make a fuss, I hate making a fuss' and was SO insistent we really believed her, and she was on holiday on the day anyway. I think we just gave her a nice pic of DD and the other grandkids, about 6 months later (plus a card and flowers on the day obviously).

About a year or so later she suddenly blew up at us for a really small reason and it all came out that 'all her friends had parties etc for their 60th but HER kids couldn't be bothered!' She had totally twisted things in her head.

Moral of the story- say what you mean and don't be a martyr if it's not how you really feel!

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 21/11/2011 15:33

Hmm, reminds me a bit of my MIL. Her 60th was around the time DD1 was due so we had a lot on our plates, but were talking about maybe having a surprise party. But every time the subject of birthdays came up she kept saying 'don't make a fuss, I hate making a fuss' and was SO insistent we really believed her, and she was on holiday on the day anyway. I think we just gave her a nice pic of DD and the other grandkids, about 6 months later (plus a card and flowers on the day obviously).

About a year or so later she suddenly blew up at us for a really small reason and it all came out that 'all her friends had parties etc for their 60th but HER kids couldn't be bothered!' She had totally twisted things in her head.

Moral of the story- say what you mean and don't be a martyr if it's not how you really feel!

SoonToBeMummyToAPrince · 21/11/2011 15:45

YANBU. As littlewoods says, putting a laptop on the older generations knees should be a priority this Christmas.