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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should DD call my fathers wife?

115 replies

Cheeseandbiscuits · 18/11/2011 10:40

Urgh, families!

My parents got divorced about 9 years ago as my Dad had an affair with an American woman. Once the divorce was through, he moved to the USA to be with the other woman and secretly married her. He told myself and my siblings a few months later. They are settled now in America and we see them 6 or 7 times a year.

I had DD in March. Since then, there has been an ongoing saga about what DD should call my Dads wife. She wants to be Grandma "as she is my Dads wife". However, that is what my Mum is called! My mum would hit the roof if she found this out. Plus I don't think it is appropriate. I don't see his wife as my stepmother. We co-exist quite happily together but would never specifically hang out or chat on the phone.

Anyway, we are flying out to see her and I think she should be called Auntie Cheese or something similar. This subject will get brought up again next week! AIBU?

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 18/11/2011 13:05

By her first name

Inertia · 18/11/2011 13:06

Absolutely agree that she is not Grandma- your children have a Grandma. Any time Stepmother refers to herself as Grandma, I'd be tempted to ask how my mum fitted in to the this, and then explain that your mum is their Grandma.

Nanny Husband-stealing-troll and Grandpa Philanderer are probably out of the question on the grounds on family harmony.

Nanny Cheese is probably your best bet, especially if your mum dislikes it. In fact I think you should stick with the cheese part too, rather than substituting in her actual name :)

One other possibility- does she have any family heritage which would make it possible to use a name from another language? Eg Nonna, or Mamgu ?

TalkinPeace2 · 18/11/2011 13:10

Grammy is a common one in the US - will appease her and not mean anything to you

droves · 18/11/2011 13:15

I'd just call her by name , she's not your mother , she's not dh's mother , she doesn't get the title .

However , if she was a full time step mum to you and had brought you up , for whatever reason ,then she would get the granny title as she would have in essence been your "mum".

Just because she is married to your dad ,doesn't make her a grandparent.

( speaking as a step-mum , dh has a grand-daughter ,and I will not allow her or my step-dd to call me granny. It's about having respect for DH's ex-wife .)

TidyDancer · 18/11/2011 13:16

I would definitely go with either first name only or Auntie [name]. I think it's a good idea to consider your mum's feelings on this, but you do need to find some middle ground. The fact is, this woman will have some kind of relationship with your DCs, so it's best to establish this kind of thing now to avoid any confusion later on.

startail · 18/11/2011 13:17

Nanny = goats that's naughtyGrin
But don't ever let her know because your DD is very lucky having an excuse to visit the USA, it's a wonderful and varied place even if, just as here, it's people are a mixed bunch. Grandparents and even step grandparents mean a lot to children.
Sadly my DDs now only have Grandma and Grandpa. My FIL died before we had children and Granny (my very DMIL died while I was expecting DD2 and she is really sad she never met her).

scaryteacher · 18/11/2011 13:20

My ds called my Dad's wife by her first name, whereas his cousins called her Nana X.

The woman wasn't my stepmother as I was too old when my parents divorced to have a stepmother thrust upon me (especially one I didn't want), and as ds already had a Grandma and a Nana, Dad's wife was and remained, surplus to requirements.

I got really pissed off when my Dad tried to explain to ds that his wife was ds's grandmother. I suggested that he take it up with my Mum and mil and see how that suggestion flew. He backed right off.

'Nanny Husband-stealing-troll and Grandpa Philanderer are probably out of the question on the grounds on family harmony.' Ds has suggested things like this in the past as he found out more about what happened as he got older.

Flanelle · 18/11/2011 13:23

Valium your spidey senses tell you wrong :-) I love my step mother and my children call her Grandma Flanelle, because she is lovely and lovely to them. She earned it. She didn't demand it out of some notional respect for some other person to whom she is married!

barnet · 18/11/2011 13:32

Grand-

ItWasABoojum · 18/11/2011 13:53

My step-grandmother gets called by her first name by all. The situation is almost exactly like the OP's - affair, divorce, low-key re-marriage with everyone being informed afterwards. The difference is, my step-GM would never think to insist on anything else - for your step-mother to say she 'should' be Granny 'as she's your dad's wife' shows a tremendous disrespect for your mother's feelings which, to be frank, she's screwed with enough. I'll never be close to my Grandfather's wife, and nor will the previous generation, but the whole family at least respects her ability to take a back seat when it's appropriate.

ItWasABoojum · 18/11/2011 13:55

Sorry, reading my last comment back it sounds a bit judgy - I know people have affairs for all sorts of reasons, and I shouldn't project my own feelings about DGF's infidelity onto your situation OP. You twat, Boojum

ledkr · 18/11/2011 13:59

There is no need to push a name i dont think,they will usually choose one.My dd calls my step dad "grandmike" which i think is hilarious. My dgs calls my dh by his name and its quite cute i think especially as he says "hi " hes only 2.

RedHelenB · 18/11/2011 14:01

She's NOT a grandma as she's not blood related so by her first name should be fine!

Squitten · 18/11/2011 14:03

Very, very similar situation in my ILs family but much messier!

DS1 calls FIL's new wife Granny First Name. Other grannys are the same. I have no interest in confusing the poor child just to placate some petulant adults. When he's older, he can make up his own mind!

BeattieBow · 18/11/2011 14:09

my MILs partner is known as Granddad and my mothers partner is also known as Granddad - they're all the children have ever known though and neither of the blood granddads are in the picture at all.

I would go for a variation on the grandma (granny, nana, etc) name myself - depending on what your mum wants to be known as to your dd she will be one of her grandparents.

KRITIQ · 18/11/2011 14:16

I called my dad's parents "Grandma and Grandpa Surname." Same for my mum's parents, but her step mother was "Grandma First Name." I was probably 4 or 5 before I worked out why I had one more grandma than most kids, but I thought it was cool! :-)

NatashaBee · 18/11/2011 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyAsASandboy · 18/11/2011 14:22

We've gone with Grandma Firstname and Grandad Firstname (our kids have three of each). I thought this would help them understand when I call my stepdad Firstname rather than 'Dad'.

I'm pretty sure my mum will be upset when the kids start calling my stepmum Grandma (for understandable reasons), but tbh I'm planning on being quite firm with her about it. For as long as my dad and stepmum are a positive thing in my kids life, they're welcome, despite thing that have happened in the past. I don't want to deprive my kids of extra positive adults. I won't be giving second chances if they turn out to be as flaky with my kids as they were with me though - it'll be a case of 'be nice or contact stops'.

Good luck with all of this horrible family stuff. My advice would be to put your DD first, and hope all the adults are strong enough to do the same.

hanaka88 · 18/11/2011 14:29

My DS decided to call my step dad grandad when he was 4. Probably as my mum is granny and it's the obvious other name.

My stepmum does NOT want to be called granny (as her youngest is younger than DS) so we tried to get him to call her by her first name but DS just calls her momma like her kids do.

Kids tend to make up their own names anyway I wouldn't worry too much

PandaNot · 18/11/2011 14:33

My DH parents are both remarried so as grandparents they are called 'Grandad and L' and 'Grandma and J'. L has no problem whatsoever with this and the DC regard her as a grandparent, just with a different name. Grandma however insists that J is known as Grandpa Surname, and writes this on cards etc. We are just as insistent that he is known as J! We hardly ever see this Grandma though (twice in 4 years!) so the face to face situation has never come about.

myhandslooksoold · 18/11/2011 14:34

laughed out loud at Inertias "Nanny Husband-stealing-troll and Grandpa Philanderer"!!
Just to add my penny to the pot I'd say Nana Cheese too

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/11/2011 14:35

My DC and her cousins call my stepmum by her first name. Everyone is happy with this. My SM would hit the roof if she was ever referred to as Grandma and my mum? She'd go right through the roof and orbit the sun at the very idea!

I think this should be up to you, not her. You didn't grow up with her and she hasn't ever been a mother figure to you. I think she has a bit of a cheek demanding to be called grandma at all tbh.

LadyMontdore · 18/11/2011 14:38

I would just call her by her name. Chances are your dd won't be able to say it properly and sonething will naturally evolve that way.

wentshopping · 18/11/2011 14:45

In the part of the US where I live, lots of people seem to refer to granny/grandma as "Mi-mi + name" - I wonder if this would work, as it is a "granny"-type prefix which means nothing to a British ear?

AngelofTheLordiscomingDown · 18/11/2011 15:13

I was and still am called Grandma but all of them even my own. I am a step grandmother.