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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should DD call my fathers wife?

115 replies

Cheeseandbiscuits · 18/11/2011 10:40

Urgh, families!

My parents got divorced about 9 years ago as my Dad had an affair with an American woman. Once the divorce was through, he moved to the USA to be with the other woman and secretly married her. He told myself and my siblings a few months later. They are settled now in America and we see them 6 or 7 times a year.

I had DD in March. Since then, there has been an ongoing saga about what DD should call my Dads wife. She wants to be Grandma "as she is my Dads wife". However, that is what my Mum is called! My mum would hit the roof if she found this out. Plus I don't think it is appropriate. I don't see his wife as my stepmother. We co-exist quite happily together but would never specifically hang out or chat on the phone.

Anyway, we are flying out to see her and I think she should be called Auntie Cheese or something similar. This subject will get brought up again next week! AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 18/11/2011 11:11

That 'other woman'?

EdithWeston · 18/11/2011 11:11

I would go for "Auntie X" as a generic family title, on the basis that she is not the actual grandmother.

mumblechum1 · 18/11/2011 11:12

Your mum needs to read a book called "Who moved my cheese". No pun intended Grin

It's about coming to terms with change and not living in the past.

mummytotwoboys · 18/11/2011 11:12

in our family step grandmas are called Aunty by grandkids and their parents (Ie my DH and kids call FILs DW Aunty) I just call her by her first name.

Flisspaps · 18/11/2011 11:14

Cheese I think the other thing to consider is what you and your DP would like her to be called - not just what will or will not offend or upset your mother.

I doubt very much that any title you give to her is going to incur anything other than unrepeatable remarks from your mother and whilst I understand her feelings towards your father's wife, they shouldn't be allowed to affect the relationship between your DD and other people (whoever they are)

Happydogsaddog · 18/11/2011 11:14

We have a Grandma (my mum), Nannie (MIL), Nan (my Nan) and Nana xxxx (Dad's new wife - who like you isn't my step mum, just Dad's wife!)

valiumredhead · 18/11/2011 11:14

I have had a very very rocky relationship with my step mother even though she has been with my dad since I was very little, I can't remember her not being around BUT she has such a lovely relationship with my ds, they adore each other. She deserves to be called nanny.

ShoutyHamster · 18/11/2011 11:15

Well firstly it's up to you, entirely, and I think that just a first name is entirely appropriate if that's what YOU think is easier all round.

Secondly, I actually think that the fact that she was the OW is relevant. I can see exactly why your mum would be really hurt by the notion that this woman has a grandparent title by virtue of the fact that she helped destroy her marriage - how would you feel, in the future, if that were you?

I think I'd be led quite a lot by your mum's feelings in this and definitely be of the opinion that not hurting her was more important than your dad and his partner's noses being a bit out of joint if you chose for her to be known by her first name.

Thirdly, I'd say that if you wanted to come down somewhere in the middle, the dividing line is the Granny-type title versus non-granny. That's what is likely to hurt your mum most- making her a grandmother by title. So I'd go for Auntie. Familial, but not grandmother- a good compromise.

tyler80 · 18/11/2011 11:27

We always just addressed my grandad's wife by her first name. My grandad remarried when my dad was an adult so she was never a step mum so any of the grandma names weren't quite right imo. No animosity now, we still keep in touch even though grandad is deceased. We didn't meet either of them until I was 7 though so maybe less need for something other than a first name at that age

RosieAndGin · 18/11/2011 11:27

My Grandchildren had a problem with what to call my Mum and Dad, because I am Nanny and Dh is Grandad, so we came up with GranGran for my Mum and Grandpops for my Dad.

Hardgoing · 18/11/2011 11:35

I just called my father's wife by her name when my children were born. They are known as Grandpa and Wife's name. But I have recently thought she might like to be called something else, and my dd1 has called her 'Grandma' recently which doesn't clash with what we call my dad's original wife (my mum).

But she is sensible enough not to mind about it and just delight in forming a relationship with the children, so I feel more kindly disposed to calling her 'Grandma' now. Having a name imposed on you is horrible.

CaptainMartinCrieff · 18/11/2011 11:43

Gosh complicated!

Personally I'd not give her the title nanny/granny whatever because she isn't the nanny/granny and the circumstances of her relationship with your dad would be enough for me to consider my mum's feelings first and foremost.

Do you call her mum? Nope didn't think so, so don't expect your child to call her nanny/granny. I feel it's a bit like when people who aren't aunties and uncles expect to be called auntie and uncle??? I don't get it.

Andrewofgg · 18/11/2011 11:44

First name. Just first name.

GladbagsAndYourHandrags · 18/11/2011 11:47

I really feel for you. Its one of those things that shouldn't matter (a rose by any other name and all that) but it really does.

We have a 'FIL's DP name' issue. DH doesn't see his dad's partner as a step mum, she is very difficult, very moany, very bitchy but we do include her as a grandparent.

Unfortunately she decided to name herself the one name that I absolutely will not agree to.

So she writes 'Nana x' on cards and I write back 'x'. In person she refers to herself as 'Nana x' and I refer to her as 'Nanny x'. DC don't really call her anything and its been like this for around 7 years!

She knows full well the reasons why Nana is a very special name to me - its what my mum would be called if she was alive, and she does it to be spiteful.

Anyway sorry for hijack! What about Grandmom seeing as she is 'the American Grandmother'?

whatdoiknowanyway · 18/11/2011 11:48

I think they need to go with what you and your DH want. My dad wanted to be known as Grandpapa which we all found embarrassingly pretentious. He learned to love being Granddad!

It can get complicated though. A friend of my DD has 12 grandparents due to divorce and remarriage by both parents and all grandparents. Not sure what she calls them all but apparently she does very well at Christmas!

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 11:49

I really don't see what's wrong with just using her name. My dc call my Mum's husband by his first name, because I call him by his first name. And he has been in my life since I was six.

If I had called him Dad, then he would be worthy of the Grandad title. But he is not. All he did was marry my Mum.

My Dad and my dc's other Grandad have bith died, and we (my ex and I) don't think that their Grandad status should be diluted just because the step Grandad is alive and they are not.

BikeRunSki · 18/11/2011 11:51

My DC call my mum's partner "Uncle Jamie".

Youremindmeofthebabe · 18/11/2011 11:54

My Ds calls my father's wife by her first name (or rather some sort of shortened version that he could pronounce when he was little that has just stuck), and then there's grandad, and grandma. She (wife) has never asked to be anything else. I think everyone is happy with that arrangement.

forehead · 18/11/2011 11:55

Aunty

MyNameIsLola · 18/11/2011 12:15

My children call my Mum's partner by his first name although she has a different one every week so 'grandad' would be rather inappropriate. But, you should do whatever you're comfortable with, under the circumstances, I wouldn't want to upset your Mum. Later, when your DD is old enough, she can decide what she likes to call step-grandma.

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 12:31

Why not auntie such and such. Or nana such n such.

CalmaLlamaDown · 18/11/2011 12:39

Just realised i need glasses, thought you were asking what dd should call your farmers wife.

MorelliOrRanger · 18/11/2011 12:54

My DD calls my MIL (DP's stepmum), by her first name.

zipzap · 18/11/2011 12:59

Gramms?
Grumpus?
Grannystep
Stepgranny
Gramma

We called my gran 'gra' because I couldn't say granny when I was tiny and it stuck - all subsequent grandkids used it plus lots of family friends and their kids, my friends when they met her. It just fitted and she was great, now much missed. Sort of became a name and 'granny denoter' all in one.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 18/11/2011 13:03

Sorry, haven't read all posts, but agree with the posters who have said, go with what YOU feel comfortable with. Obviously you don't want to hurt your mother's feelings, but unfortunately it is a fact of life that your father is now married, and is something she will have to come to terms with. It has been 9 years now - and no, I'm not saying there's a time limit on grief, but she is gonig to have to accept that at whatever level YOU decide, your father's wife is going to be a part of your DD's life.

My father remarried about 10 years ago, and DD will call my stepmother Nana (when she starts talking, she's only just 1). My mother doesn't like it, but for me, it's more important that my DD isn't confused. I feel deeply for my mother, as the breakup was very hurtful for her, but as selfish as it may sound, my first priority is my DD. My mother is Granny, my PILs have their own special names etc. When DD is older and asks questions, we'll tell her the truth, but tell her that she is lucky to have 3 grannies.