What should DD call my fathers wife?

[Cheeseandbiscuits]

Urgh, families!

My parents got divorced about 9 years ago as my Dad had an affair with an American woman. Once the divorce was through, he moved to the USA to be with the other woman and secretly married her. He told myself and my siblings a few months later. They are settled now in America and we see them 6 or 7 times a year.

I had DD in March. Since then, there has been an ongoing saga about what DD should call my Dads wife. She wants to be Grandma "as she is my Dads wife". However, that is what my Mum is called! My mum would hit the roof if she found this out. Plus I don't think it is appropriate. I don't see his wife as my stepmother. We co-exist quite happily together but would never specifically hang out or chat on the phone.

Anyway, we are flying out to see her and I think she should be called Auntie Cheese or something similar. This subject will get brought up again next week! AIBU?

DC's call DH's step mother Auntie as she is also their great aunt (long story)

My mother gets called by her name by some of her step grandchildren and Grandma by others, but she has never requested that. She has though been in my siblings lives for over 40 years since they were young children.

In all fairness I call my stepmother the step monster or cruella. Either of these appeal?

We have a Granny (my DM), a Gran (MiL) and a Nana (name) who is FiL's wife. My Dads girlfriends have never been round long enough to get a title.

No flanelle but her correct title is a step mother therefore she is a step grandmother. Out of respect for her Father if nothing else the OP should call her something like Nanny or Granny or whatever.

I am sensing you may have step mother issues?

Granny Hername ? It would be weird to insist on her being referred to as an Aunt when she is most def not one. And encouraging use of her first name only seems disrespectful

I am not worried about confusing DD or anything like that. I don't even mind if she wants to be called Grandma. But I know how much it will hurt my Mum when she finds out .

Liking the idea of Grand-name, HMtheQueen.

I agree signet, she is very sweet with DD and it is lovely that she wants to be so involved.

She isn't your parent so they should call her by her name. Just because she married your dad doesn't automatically make her you mum, only a step mum, so she is only a step grand parent to your kids.

When my grandad remarried (I was 2) I called his wife Nanna followed by her name eg Nanna Jean. My original grandmother was Nanny. As I got older I dropped the Nanna and just called her by her first name. She is just known by her first name to the dc's. DH's grandad remarried when DH was 25, 6 months after we got married. We call her by her first name but 2 of DH's cousins and their children call her nan and DH's younger cousins call her somthing that combines her name with grandmawhich I think is sweet.

Is there a version of granny, nanna, nanan which your mum particually dislikes.
My paternal grandmother insisted on Nanan which set my mum's teeth on edge.
American "step mum" need never know why you choose it.

Is there an American variant of Grandma/Nanna that she could be?

YANBU. Maybe have her called Gran....followed by her actual name, for instance, Gran Susan.
Ultimately it is up to you. IMO, if your child is unlikely to have a close relationship with her, it really shouldn't matter what's she called. And, to be honest, your dc will probably pick up on whatever you yourself call her whenever you talk to anyone about her while your dc is within earshot.

As I was grown up when they married, I have never viewed her as a step mother, which is probably where some of the difficulties lie.

Thanks everyone! You have given me something to think about while I mindlessly push DD around the park in a vain attempt to get her to sleep.

Would your mum have to find out that stepmum was grandma name?

my dc call MIL's partner by his first name now they are in their teens.when they were younger they called him uncle "name".They new he wasn't really their uncle but it just seemed a bit more respectful IYKWIM.
He did say he didn't mind them calling him grandad but it didn't seem right as FIL is their grandad(they are divorced)
His granddaughter calls MIL aunty "name"
Complicated isn't it?!

I think it would come up, esp when DD starts talking.

startail that is a really good idea. I know Mum hates Nanny as it reminds her of goats

"Would your mum have to find out that stepmum was grandma name?"

I think it inevitable that the child will eventually say something like "We were at Grandma's house..."

My parents are Grandma and Grandad, the In Laws are Grammy and Grumpy. No step parents involved but a couple of other options :)

My parents have both remarried so dd has Oma (my dm) and grandpa and grandad (my ddad) and nanny and PIL are papa and nana. No one has made a fuss but if there were problems then my step parents would be grandpa x and nanny x.

Your step mother, IMO, needs some grand name that is not the same as either your mum or mil. If she is upset by this then, frankly, she can just toughen up.

My DS1 calls my mum's partner by his first name. Fortunately nothing else was suggested as I wouldn't have been confortable with it, but then my mum got together with him when I was 19 so he's never been a step-father to me (I think I would feel differently if he had been a father-figure in my life).

I personally wouldn't be too keen on "Auntie Cheese" as could be a bit confusing for your DD later, however it does have more of a 'family member' feel about it than just using her first name.

It definitely comes down to what you and your DP feel is appropriate until your DD can make her own decision. Hope that you can resolve this without causing ill-feeling (but don't be pressured into something you aren't happy with!)

We called my Grandad's new wife Auntie ... and my Nan's new husband Uncle ... (I say 'new' but they married them before we were born)

I really must learn to type faster (or use MN at quieter times) to avoid x-posting so much...

I think the options that I feel comfortable with are:
Gran
Nanny Cheese
Auntie Cheese
I asked my mum what she was appropriate but its not repeatable!!

I call my mother's step mother Granny. My biological grandmothers are called Grandma, followed by first name to clarify. We are v close, but agree that bio grandma gets to choose first! Granny wanted to be called granny but respected this.

Up to you. Don't force yourself to do something you're not happy with - at the same time, weigh it up with keeping people happy. Its tough. I would have really liked exPs step dad to be granddad, as he is that role. Even exP wanted him to be! But he has always refused, and is called by his first name.
That said, it doesn't change the affection he is held in by us, or by DS, who adores him. It the end, its just a name. What they do is what matters.

My dad has remarried so his second wife is called "Nanny [name]". My mum is Grandma and my MIL is Nana. It really shouldn't be an issue (particularly as you get on ok with dad's wife) and I think it is lovely that your DD will have an extra grandparent who wants to be involved in their life. I appreciate that your mum is hurt by what happened with your dad and his now wife but it has got to be about your DD and as someone else mentioned DD will not understand about divorce etc.