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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed off that people ask 'are you wanting a girl?' when I tell them I am PG after having 2 boys?

89 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 17/11/2011 21:22

I am only 7 weeks pregnant and have barely told anyone yet. But the three people I have told so far have all said 'are you wanting a girl this time?'. I have 2 DS's who are my utter world and I am so used to boys things that I would be really happy with a third DS. However, a wee girl would obviously be lovely too just to balance the family out a bit :o

I would be absolutely happy with either a boy or a girl, it just annoyed me that people assume that I would want a girl ie, be disappointed if I have another boy.

Should I expect this response from everyone?! AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

Dinosaurdrip · 17/11/2011 21:42

I could have written this post. I am nearly 7 weeks now and have 2 DS and the few ppl I have told have asked the exact same question. Even my mum although I should have expected this as after the 20 week scan with DS2 when I told her she said 'oh well never mind'!

I love my boys so much, and would be equally happy with a boy or a girl. I think people just assume that everyone is desperate for the other sex if they already have 2 of one and are going for a 3rd. Not just that they want a 3rd child. Think we will just have to get used to it, will you be finding out the sex at your 20 week scan or are you wanting a surprise?

Congratulations on being pregnant btw.

Original poster

ilikeyoursleeves · 17/11/2011 21:49

Hi Dinosaur, congrats to you too! I'd like to have a surprise this time as we have known the sex from the 20 week scan both times before, but DH wants to find out. He says it would make planning things easier but I'd just like the 'it's a.......boy / girl!' part of labour for once!

In a way I'm so glad I have 2 the same gender just now as they get on so well and have very similar interests, I'm not sure if it would be the same if they were boy & girl? How old are your boys?

OP posts:

Tiredmumno1 · 17/11/2011 21:51

Congrats op and dino.

Yup thats the way it usually happens I had the same when pregnant with 3rd, already had 2 boys, it is a tad annoying, I now have an 8 month baby boy, and I wouldnt change him for the world. I just get the '3 boys must be so hard' comments. Which I tend to ignore.

Bethshine82 · 17/11/2011 21:53

Par for the course I'm afraid. People can't seem to help themselves. Doesn't help that I always think girls are the preferred gender for a lot of people. I only have one DS so far but after having him several people asked if I would "try again for a girl." Including DH's brother. Which was very very annoying. What he actually said was "Every woman needs a daughter." I was not aware this was a requirement myself.

It also annoys me how people say it as if you have any choice in the matter. Someone asked me recently if I was going to have another baby and when I said I wasnt sure they said "Oh but you must want a girl." I pointed out that even if I had another baby there was 50/50 that it could be another boy and I didn't mind either way anyway!

It is VERY VERY annoying. People should keep their opinions to themselves. So no, you are definitely not being unreasonable. At all.

bringmesunshine2009 · 17/11/2011 21:56

Congrats! I get this all the time, "are you going to keep trying until you get a girl?" I have now got the perfect explanation to shut them up:

"I would love a girl, but my poor would be daughter would be saddled with a dad who really wants a girl who can 'help me with the housework'" that shuts them up.

Original poster

ilikeyoursleeves · 17/11/2011 21:59

tiredmum I get comments like that even now. 'Two boys, wow you've got your hands full!'.

I always make a point in saying 'well actually they are so good and really easy going'.

Ha! :o

OP posts:

IneedAbetterNickname · 17/11/2011 22:01

Congrats ilike and Dino

YANBU! When I had DS2, people assumed I was 'dissapointed' that he was a boy Now that me and DP are back together, they asssume we will be trying for a girl now again! I would love a girl, but it's not the be all and end all!

D?SIL is always saying how she is desperate for DC3 (she is pg atm) to be a girl. All the time, all over FB. And that she is convinced it is because 'this pg is so different to the others' (She said that last time) TBH I hope for her sake it is a girl although I'd be slightly jealous because she's going to be so upset if it's another boy, not to mention that she's going to look rather silly!

Tiredmumno1 · 17/11/2011 22:02

Exactly op, I just tell them they are angels

ChippyMinton · 17/11/2011 22:07

I had this too. It's inevitable. On the plus side, if it is a girl you will be showered with pink gifts. Another boy, everyone will assume you have plenty of stuff and send a card . Congratulations btw.

Francagoestohollywood · 17/11/2011 22:08

It is annoying.
But the best way to deal with assumptions is to give a straight answer.

IneedAbetterNickname · 17/11/2011 22:12

If you have a weird sense of humour like me, you could always reply with "Right now I'm just hoping s/he's DHs"

Dinosaurdrip · 17/11/2011 22:14

Mine are 3 & 2 there is 17 months between them so they like lots of the same things and play together nicely mostly like yourself I knew ds were boys and again similarly I would like a surprise this time as this will most probably be our last. DP is of the same thinking process as your dh. Not sure I'll be able to stop myself from asking though.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Here's hoping for a nice I eventful pregnancy for both of us.

Firawla · 17/11/2011 22:23

tbh yes, you will have to expect this response from everyone!
i have 3ds and i did get a lot of this, but i have to admit i would have quite liked a girl (before i knew he was a boy! once i knew i wouldnt wana swap him and now i prefer having 3dses) i wouldnt feel tooo annoyed they are just making small talk, so just tell them no i dont mind etc

Familydilemma · 17/11/2011 22:27

I had one of each when we were expecting dd2 and the question I was asked was "was it planned?". As if now we had the pair I must be done! You really can't win! Well actually, after extensive treatment, I felt I'd won being pregnant each time

jellybeans · 17/11/2011 22:38

YANBU but I think if you just had DDs you would get the same in reverse. I had DDs first and got awful comments from MIL and others. One of my friend's husbands said to me that he was glad his wife had just had a boy as girls were 'just not the same' (I had just had a baby girl). I also had a friend say that my hubby must have weak sperm since we just had girls! I since have gone on to have 3 boys too and can confirm that boys and girls are equally lovely :) (not had all teenagers yet though!)

jasper · 17/11/2011 22:44

yabu. They are just showing an interest/ making polite conversation

Familydilemma · 17/11/2011 22:52

I do think that people ask the most personal questions when people are pregnant. Or make personal comments about appearance. "congratulations, how are you feeling?" seems to be appropriate small talk for pregnancy. Or maybe "you look amazing" - because they always do in one way or another. But not comments on what gender you'd like or how big/small you are. And once the baby's there...not "is he/she good?". Even when mine were calm and sleeping well I felt disloyal to the other babies by answering yes and when they weren't I never wanted to say no.

Pekka · 17/11/2011 22:53

YANBU! People really don't think when they comment on the sex of your child. When we found out we are expecting a boy, a lot of people felt it appropriate talking about how difficult girls are, how lucky we are to have a son as opposed to a daughter etc, even infront of their own daughters!!!!
Why not just comment on how wonderful boys are, without mentioning how "horrible" girls are?
We are ecstatic to have a little boy, just as we would have been ecstatic to have a little girl.

libbyssister · 17/11/2011 23:04

I disagree Jasper, it's not polite at all to make these remarks.

Sadly ilike it doesn't stop after they're born. I have 3DSs and only today someone said "didn't you want a girl?". DS3 is 17 months old! And I never really know what they want as an answer. Do they want me to break down in tears and say "yes! I was desperate for a daughter and all I got was another son". Which is NOT how I feel btw. DS3 was unplanned so we weren't 'trying' for a boy or a girl . Besides, I think it's a badge of honour to have 3 boys

lisaro · 18/11/2011 00:14

My health visitor asked me out of the blue if I was disappointed with my 3rd son. That was the thing that tipped me over the edge. I just looked at my gorgeous son and wondered how anyone could think like that. I 'escorted' dragged her out ofthe door and told her to take her nasty mind and moustache with her. That's when the pnd kicked in.

birdynumnums · 18/11/2011 01:06

Maybe I'm weird because this doesn't bother me. I have two boys and wanted a girl the second time round. Everyone asked me if I wanted a girl instead -I just replied yes initially but now I am chuffed to bits and wouldn't change him for the world. Which is completely true

squeakytoy · 18/11/2011 01:13

It is people trying to make pleasant small talk, because when someone tells you they are pregnant, there are not really that many questions you can ask without someone taking offence these days...

mummytotwoboys · 18/11/2011 02:02

I think YABU, its not offensive and if we are honest its probably true. I have my two lovely boys but wanted a girl third time round and I got it!! I didnt mind people saying that when I was pregnant. Were you offended first time round when people asked if you wanted a girl or boy?

SouthStar · 18/11/2011 02:11

I dont see the problem with people asking to be honest. Like squeakytoy said, its just small talk.
I fell pregnant with my dd when my ds was 12weeks old.... people asked, was it planned and do I want another boy or a girl. Didnt take any offence.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/11/2011 02:18

I think you're being unreasonable. If small talk bothers you so much, please - just stop telling people and talking about your pregnancy. I doubt they're particularly interested anyway, they are just making small talk and trying to be polite.

It really is such a minefield. Some people just can't wait to be offended at innocuous comments (not aimed at you, OP, but generally). Why bother to engage at all? Keep it to yourself and then you'll never have to learn to deal with any kind of comment, even the ones that could be easily shrugged off.

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