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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peed off that people ask 'are you wanting a girl?' when I tell them I am PG after having 2 boys?

89 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 17/11/2011 21:22

I am only 7 weeks pregnant and have barely told anyone yet. But the three people I have told so far have all said 'are you wanting a girl this time?'. I have 2 DS's who are my utter world and I am so used to boys things that I would be really happy with a third DS. However, a wee girl would obviously be lovely too just to balance the family out a bit :o

I would be absolutely happy with either a boy or a girl, it just annoyed me that people assume that I would want a girl ie, be disappointed if I have another boy.

Should I expect this response from everyone?! AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
sleepywombat · 18/11/2011 02:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayzr · 18/11/2011 02:31

I get this too. I have 2 boys and yes a girl would be great but so would another boy. I've been told I'm only having this baby to get a girl when actually it isn't. The DSes are XHs and I'd like children with DP no matter the gender.

I'm 9 weeks so only 11 weeks until the 20 week scan and we can find out. Grin

lollystix · 18/11/2011 03:05

Congrats OP and Dino - I'm up feeding ds4 who is 5 weeks. I got loads of this with ds3 and was upset by it - I felt alot more sensitive when he came out blue as the 'joking' turned to pity on other people's parts as opposed to happiness that I had another healthy baby. It took me' about 6 months to develop a thick skin.

With ds4 I found out at the scan when I had it confirmed how pregs I was that he was a ds (was 15 weeks gone) so I was forearmed so to speak. When people commented I told them that as I wasn't planning on dc4 I really wasn't bothered what gender he was - like I had a choice anyway! 3xds is alot of fun btw - very noisy. I'm sure the washing is just as bad with 3xdd though.

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 04:00

Congratulations!

But YABU. You have said yourself a girl would be nice to 'balance' the family out!

It's just the sort of thing people say. What else can they ask at this stage in the pregnancy? It's a bit of a conversation stopper if following the announcement "I'm pregnant!" can only be answered with "Oh congratulations!" but then no more questions for fear of offending.

If you don't want to ask about your pregnancy, don't tell people you're pregnant. Simple as that.

ragged · 18/11/2011 04:12

yabu, although I guess it depends on tone of the question, too. It'd be different if they said "I guess you want a girl!" or "Wouldn't a wee girlie be lovely this time!" those would be unpleasant assumptions. Just asking if you care about the gender is reasonable chitchat (sorry). Another way in sharing in your news & planning for what it means.

Congratulations & I hope it's a smooth pregnancy.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 18/11/2011 04:20

People are just making small talk. If you tell them they're pregnant and they just smile and nod, you'd take offence at that because they're not interested enough!!

I had people asking if I wanted a girl and guessing it was a girl after DS1...! It's just a conversation filler. People can't do right for doing wrong when it comes to pregnant women these days.

They're just filling the air - take it for what it is, polite interest.

rumcrumble · 18/11/2011 05:41

It's just conversation, yabu.

rumcrumble · 18/11/2011 05:42

And congrats btw :)

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 09:25

Slinking - People can't do right for doing wrong when it comes to pregnant women these days. You're spot on with that one!

mrsjay · 18/11/2011 09:59

congrats on your pregnancy , I think its something people say TBH it is annoying i have 2 girls and after my youngest i had a rare hour to myself to go to town , and a woman i know said , oh youve had baby what did you have , a girl , she said OH NEVER MIND THERES ALWAYS NEXT TIME ! it is annoying but it is just something they say as they oh so perfect family is a boy/girl Shock

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 10:08

I often get sympathy as I have 3 girls. My id twins are girls and I've had "wouldn't it have been better to have had one of each?!" errr no actally they're ID so that would mean something was seriously wrong. Love my family and wouldn't change it. People can't understand that some of us don't mind and just pray for a healthy baby.

congratulation! x

Nettee · 18/11/2011 10:17

I have a boy and a girl and am expecting my third. I have had the following conversation a few times now:

So what do you have already?
A boy and a girl
Ah so it doesn't matter what you have this time then
Smile and nod politely

I suppose it is just people's way of making conversation but I do wonder if they are expecting me to say two of the same so I am trying for the other - only reason to have a third after all. And I am happy either way but would be anyway (I think) so slightly irritating but not as bad as if I had two the same and was expected to nod and agree with the whole aiming for the other gender thing.

tripleZ · 18/11/2011 10:21

We always wanted 3 DC - were very open about it and never cared about their sex. We had DD1 then DS then went for a much wanted third.

No-one said congratulations - was it an accident, are you mad, but you already have one of each why have more - ect.

Just when everyone would have gotten all the 'comments' out their system 3rd trimester - DH lost his job out the blue along with a load of others from a company that had never let anyone go before. The comments then were truly awful Sad. Now everyone asks when are we having more and seem very off when we say no. Honestly people are odd and don't think.

YANBU - but yes till you know the sex people will make comments like this - then a few after that will still make comments.

Eglu · 18/11/2011 10:27

YANBU. I have two boys and had dd 4mths ago. I got that when pg, then once she was here I got, a girl at last! comments

I would have been overjoyed at another boy.

Toobluntforboss · 18/11/2011 10:28

I don't think YABU at all - it's rude, small talk or not. I have 3 boys (youngest not quite 6 months yet) and I often get comments about how disappointed I must be at not having a girl! Rude rude rude! My boys are all amazing and I wouldn't change a thing! I've never felt a desire for a particular sex, so wouldn't have been disappointed with a girl but happy to have my fantastic boys and no, i'll not be having a 4th to get a girl!

Toobluntforboss · 18/11/2011 10:29

Congrats on the pregnancy too, btwGrin

jetsetlil · 18/11/2011 10:37

People don't really care you know - its small talk/polite passing conversation. If they showed no interested they would be in the wrong too. Treads like this have made me very wary of getting into a conversation with anyone as whatever you say you are bound to piss someone off!

SexyDomesticatedDab · 18/11/2011 10:41

After 2 DS' think we had some comments about wanting a girl - usual reply was we just wanted a baby. Never found out about the sex of any before hand. #3 was a DS. After #4 was a DS - sometimes we had the are you going for the full 5 aside team? Grin - No we put a stop to that.

lottielou39 · 18/11/2011 16:08

I have two daughters and am 38 weeks pregnant with our third daughter. When I announced the pregnancy people said things like 'go on, admit you'd like a boy this time' and 'a boy would be nice' etc.. and when we discovered at the 20 week scan that it was another girl, people said similar things. And even now, at 38 weeks pg, several people have remarked that my bump looks exactly like a boy bump, not a girl bump and maybe they got it wrong! To be honest, even though I had no preference for a girl or boy, I'd be a bit gutted if we didn't get our girl now cos we've been referring to the baby as a she since the 20 week scan!
People are silly. And I always think of people who struggle to conceive at all and how they must view these sort of daft comments.
Every baby, whether male or female, is a precious miracle.

lesley33 · 18/11/2011 16:18

tbh I would ask a friend this question. Not because I think she should want a girl, but so I know whether it is an issue - if she wants to tell me - and be there for her if it is. So if she finds out it is a boy and is happy either way, I know to say congratulations thats great or if she wanted a girl to be more sensitive about the issue.

ragged · 18/11/2011 16:26

I think jetsetlil is right, 90% of people don't care about the sex of your baby, it's just something they hope is safe way to share your excitement.

exoticfruits · 18/11/2011 16:30

YABU it is a natural thing to ask. I was the mother of 2 DSs so people said it to me. I had a 3rd boy and was perfectly happy. It didn't rile me in anyway. People make small talk and then people try and analyse it.

ChaoticAngel · 18/11/2011 16:30

In future just tell them you'd rather have a giraffe Wink

Towndon · 18/11/2011 16:40

YANBU. I don't think this is "polite conversation". There are many, many other ways to make conversation which don't rudely imply that a pregnant woman may be disappointed by the "wrong" sex!

lesley33 · 18/11/2011 16:43

Its not implying that she may be disappointed. Its trying to find out whether it is an issue for the mother. This would be rude to ask an acquaintance/stranger, but not a friend imo. For some people the gender of their baby is an issue and it would be insensitive to rush in saying congratulations on your baby boy if your friend was upset about this.

Personally I don't care if a friend has a boy or girl. I would just want her to be happy and to be able to be sensitive and supportive if she was not.