Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid with independent pre-prep school for excluding my 3 year old DS1

145 replies

mumoftwolilboys · 16/11/2011 22:12

...for wetting his pants?

It's the whole way it's been done. We had no warning that he was going to be excluded and suddenly out of the blue, a phone call came one evening just after half term stating that he's had a few accidents that week and therefore he will not be allowed in the next day. No procedures followed. I was suddenly out of childcare and had to take emergency time off work.

I know the school policy states that he cannot be in nappies, but he isn't in nappies. DS1 has been potty training since 19 months and went through terrible regression after the birth of DS2 9 months ago, who had very bad feeding problems till he was nearly 6 months so we weren't able to give DS1 all the attention that a toddler craved. We TOLD the school about his regresion (in 3 separate documents and discussions), but as DS1 was starting to do so well and was dry with us all the time, and not doing badly at nursery, we did not even worry about this issue. Unfortunately, DS1 had a very bad start upon starting pre-reception in Sept, and was immediately stigmatised as the one with potty training problem. This didn't help as the negative attention given to him just flared the problem. The school did not do anything positive to help, apart from the token gestures and pretense in trying to get DS1 to not have accidents (mostly involving pressure against us as parents and making us pass the pressure to DS1). What makes me even more livid is the fact that before the 2 week half term we have just had, DS1 was actually doing very well and only had couple of wet accidents per week. He hardly ever has accidents with us (apart from tiny patches) because we never ever pressure him or remind him to go to the toilet when with us. DS1 normally marches himself into the toilet at home and does it all himself.

We have been very forceful in writing letter, getting policy documents, meeting up (all of which WE had to take initiative, not the school), and finally got DS1 back into school today with the condition that he would need to be withdrawn by next Wednesday if he had more than 1 accident in a week. I was allowed to come in for a couple of hours towards the end of the day(though the manager had thoroughly fought against that) to observe why DS1 keeps wetting his pants in school. I spoke to the manager and deputy manager, asking how they do certain things and why, and giving feedback on what I thought they did that wasn't working. I smiled and made light hearted comments, staying professional all throughout. When I got home, I was shocked to hear a voice message left on our phone from the headteacher stating that I was rude to the manager and deputy manager, including criticising them and resulted in one being in tears (WTF?!). I do not have a clue what they are talking about, apart from the fact that it's probably a means for them to say that I can no longer go in to observe my DS1. They once again said that it's best if DS1 was withdrawn from school. Hope it's not cynical of me to feel the only crime we have actually committed against the school is not being the rich parent that they want us to be. But why admit us in the first place?!

I have called OFSTED, ISI, LEA. They have all said that the school can do whatever they like as they do not report to any of them. I have gone through in detail with each of them, challenging DDA law and framework but apparently they are not breaking any rules. Also, they can choose to follow EYFS but they don't have to because it is a private school and toileting is a very wishy washy area. Department of Education has agreed to look at my letter if I complain to them, but why do I have this sinking feeling that nothing will come of it?

Our poor DS1 has been traumatised since the phone conversation, which came during the DC's dinner time. It seems like they are making it a habit to call us during the DC's dinner time, completely disrupting our lives.

Regretting choosing a private pre-prep to begin with, one that claimed to be inclusive. We thought it was going to save us a little money compared to nursery but oh boy, now it's costing us thousands more. Just an indication of how much we've lost, the smalles cost we will be losing is in the uniform that we've spent over £400 and he has only been wearing them for 7 weeks!!

Am I allowed to name the school in this thread? Am I even posting in the right section? Please let me know if I'm not.

OP posts:
Towndon · 16/11/2011 22:36

YANBU to be angry about this. It doesn't sound as if the school are dealing with this well at all.

Your DS may well love a different school just as much :)

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 16/11/2011 22:37

That's rubbish - it doesn't sound like the relationship can be restored to be honest. I would look for alternative childcare if I were you.

culturemulcher · 16/11/2011 22:37

Wow, that's shocking.

DS 4.6 and in Reception year has had a couple of accidents out of the blue this week. The teachers have been nothing but supportive.

I'd be very upset and angry about the school's reaction IIWY.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:37

Or keep his fees and registration fee towards keeping a place open for him for next year?

I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for him if he likes it so much. But be reassured he will like somewhere else as well. He would get used to somewhere new. But the more upset you are about the whole thing the more upset he will be.

Towndon · 16/11/2011 22:38

(i.e. he'll love the positive aspects, and the staff should deal properly with this concern).

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 22:39

Blimey, I'd be raging in your shoes.

Name the school. They deserve it and it's the truth.

auntiepicklebottom2 · 16/11/2011 22:40

my suggestion is to take parental leave and get this issue sorted out, then your boss also knows when you will be able to work

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Moneyandworkentitlements/WorkAndFamilies/Parentalleaveandflexibleworking/DG_10029416

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:40

Though do you really want him at a school where you say the staff may well be making stuff up about how you were rude to them. They were either making it up or you were unintentionally rude in which case they may not want your son. It doesn't make for a good working relationship.

culturemulcher · 16/11/2011 22:40

Oh, and yes, you are allowed to name the school. They deserve to be named and shamed.

KatAndKit · 16/11/2011 22:41

I just think that whole sort of set-up (prep school, posh uniform etc) is so so wrong for a little three year old. I'm not sure why you went for it in the first place and each to their own I suppose, but why send a little child into an environment designed for bigger children and expect them to cope with it?

MidsomerM · 16/11/2011 22:41

How does him crying when he heard you talking about primary school indicate that he likes his prep school? Is it possible he just doesn't want to keep going to school? After all, he's only 3!

Are you working full time? Does he need to be in paid child care? Because it sounds to me as if he could do with a bit more time at home.

Original poster
mumoftwolilboys · 16/11/2011 22:41

Thank you for response all, but I need to go! Was planning on staying on longer but can't.

Yes, potty training at school but not at home.
Coat alone costs £80.

OFSTED confirmed that EYFS is very vague about toileting, and therefore they can choose not to. Trust me we've looked into that a lot. DDA does not apply because DS1 does not have special needs.

As said, DS1 loves the school. Does well, loves learning, loves all the activities, loves everything they do! He comes home and plays school, full of happiness. I am not that silly to keep him there if he wasn't happy.

Prob is, I don't have an option. School is breaking down our relationship by accussing me of all sorts including being rude, making staff cry... it doesn't sound repairable, i.e. once we manage to bat this one off they will come up with something else. Am afraid I've got very bad opinions now about independent schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumoftwolilboys · 16/11/2011 22:42

MidsomeM - because in the midst of his tears he said "I want to stay at x school! I don't want to go to another school."

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:42

In fairness a pre prep school that accepts 3yos should be set up for them. Just because it's private doesn't mean it's all geared towards older kids.

Dd went to a state primary at 3. It was a nursery attached to the school but was very much part ofnthe school.

MidsomerM · 16/11/2011 22:45

Well I think they've done you a favour because it sounds like a very expensive way for everyone to be miserable!

StealthPolarBear · 16/11/2011 22:45

Screw the school get him out of there. He may seem happy but if he's having accidents and wouldn't normally (and you say he was dry during half term?) then maybe he's not as happy s he seems.
DS was only just potty trained at 3 and would defintely have had the odd accident. I wouldn't be surprised if he did even now he;s in reception (he hasn't) and I know they would sort it out, let me know and treat DS with nothing but kindness - and I'd expect no less.

AFAIK independent schools do not have to follow the NC, and this includes foundation stage. Many do but they're not required to.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:45

Then take him out. Try and get your registration fees plus anything else you can back. You'll be able to get a good price for a seven week old uniform though maybe not for another ten months.

Talk to a private nursery and see if you can find a sympathetic one who will give you more time to pay any upfront fee. In these troubled times they may be struggling to fill spaces and agree to your terms. Sept is a good time from your pov as they will have lost kids to new school year.

OriginalPoster · 16/11/2011 22:46

Buying an item of clothing for a three year old for £80 makes me feel ill. They will grow out of it instantaneously and they don't need expensive clothing.

Julesnobrain · 16/11/2011 22:46

Sounds like a horrible uncaring place. Why on earth would you want to leave your DC there? They aren't little for long, find somewhere caring and compassionate. All kids have accidents. I am sure they won't when they're 18 !

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:47

And make up some reason why he's had to leave for him. Don't let him think it's because of him wetting.

joanofarchitrave · 16/11/2011 22:47

Mmmm. I wouldn't name the school tbh. I wouldn't want my son's teacher coming on here and naming my family as troublemakers without notifying me, and I think it's the same.

OK, he's 3. My instinct and my advice would be to walk away from this school and not look back. Partly because my nephew was also desperate not to leave his first school... all sorts of things have emerged about that school that make us all so relieved he is out of there. He is a different child these days.

Do you have a partner? Could he take some time off if you are about to lose your job?

Do you have any grandparents? Would they be able to step in for a couple of days or even a week? Just to give you a little breathing space.

TBH can you get onto gumtree and get yourself a nanny for a bit, perhaps looking at a nannyshare to reduce costs? yes it's expensive but it sounds as if you all need a break. It's going to take a while to sort out a school you are all happy with, perhaps.

Moodykat · 16/11/2011 22:48

Please name as am looking at DS1 going to pre-prep in January and don't like the sound of this one!

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 22:49

And I know it seems like the end of the world now but you will laugh at this in years to come. You'll rib him when he's 18 about how he managed tomget kicked out of school at 3. Not that he has really but you know what I mean.

I've been in tears when childcare has fallen down major style in the past and I've been close to losing my career. You will get through it.

troisgarcons · 16/11/2011 22:50

School is breaking down our relationship by accussing me of all sorts including being rude, making staff cry... it doesn't sound repairable, i.e. once we manage to bat this one off they will come up with something else. Am afraid I've got very bad opinions now about independent schools.

Move schools now - they want you out. You'll be fucked if they refuse his place next term. You are only there by invitation, not by right.

halcyondays · 16/11/2011 22:52

The DDA says that children cannot be excluded from normal preschool or school activities solely because of continence issues. It applies to all children whether or not they have special needs, this is because a lot of children aren't diagnosed until they are older. However I'm not sure that private schools are covered by the DDA in the same way as state schools, unfortunately??

It's a pity if he likes going to this school, despite how difficult they are being, after all lots of 3 year olds have accidents sometimes, especially if they're engrossed in something. It's hardly unusual at that age. I'm sure not all private schools are the same, it can depend on how understanding the teacher is.
Tbh it sounds as though they're being very difficult and it probably isn't worth the stress of keeping him there, I'm sure he would soon settle in somewhere else.