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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed and want to evict my DS1H

103 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 08:40

he is ment to be at college .

but has decided he has cold and isn't going in.

This will be the third day in 3 weeks he hasnt gone to college

I can see him losing his place and I worry about that .

I've just spoken to his dad (my ex husband) and his atttitude is let him do what he wants if he fs it up he f*s it up

But if he fuc**s it up he will still be under my roof and I don't want I son who drops out of college and doesnt work expecting me to pay for me .

would it be unreasonable to tell him to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 12:26

I do really apprieciate everyone's comments but ........may I ask you all, how old are your children?

Im asking for perspective

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 12:29

Mine are 9 and 6. I have a 17 year old god daughter though! Wink

It does not matter, it is not right. She needs to make up with her mum. You cannot mother her. And you need to look after your son first, and ensure he goes to college and get his qualifications!

redlac · 16/11/2011 12:31

My DD is only 5 however I know that in 13 years time I wouldn't be letting her boyfriend live with us and potentially destroying any ambition that she had!

If you really don't want to send her back to her mums, at least get her to contribute around the house - she can become a cleaner, YOUR cleaner, in lieu of board and food.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 12:40

Thanks.

There is a conversation to be had , it will probably take me until sunday to have it but I will have it

OP posts:
OhDoAdmit · 16/11/2011 12:44

I have a 17 year old DS
His girlfriend lived with us for a few months.

But she was 15 (when he was 16) and they didnt share a room and I kept SS fully involved (although they were reluctant to be involved but thats another story).

I used it as an opportunity to show him what being a grown up is really like. He kept telling me he was a man and I couldnt tell him what to do. So I explained how I would treat a man who was behaving the way he was.

This made him stop and think. Scared the bloody life out of him and fixed up from then on (with a fair few up and downs along the way).

They are taking the piss. Stop doing his washing. They should be doing their share, not just helping out, they are not toddlers playing at helping mummy.

If he gets kicked out of college you will lose any benefits you get for him and he will lose his EMA. If he is taking the piss now, imagine what he he will be like with Income Support in his pocket and nothing to fill his time.

You are not being a bad mother if you sort this out, you will be doing your job.

Go on - you can do it!

PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 13:28

CreamolaFoamless "how can you not mother someone if your a mother?"

I mean, if you have a child, you feed them, wash them, clothe them, do their laundry, cut their toenails.

If you have grown-up, then you don't.

What have you got, and what do you want?

5Foot5 · 16/11/2011 14:03

"I posted before about gf ...a few months ago ...she is possibly anorexic and self harmed when ever xxxx spilt up with her"

Oh my! Quite apart from your worries over his college attendance this would be a major concern to me. Your 18yo DS is being blackmailed into staying in a relationship by this troubled girl because he is worried what she will do if he quits?

Clearly she has problems and probably needs help but your own son is surely your priority here. WTF is this girl's mother doing shoving her responsibilities on to someone else like that?

Yes you are being way too nice for your, or your son's, own good. If I was you I think I would be getting in touch with the girl's mother, explaining your concerns and saying that you are unable to have her at your house anymore. Either they collect her or you contact SS.

I know you posted here about college attendance but maybe your DSs confusion over this whole relationship thing could be contributing to the problem. When you have him to yourself with no GF there perhaps you can get him to open up about any worries or concerns he has over the course.

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 14:07

I agree with 5foot5 as well.

Does he want to be going out with this girl (he has tried to chuck her in the past).

I do feel for you OP.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 15:17

I agree with 5foot5.

Help your son.

He has tried to break off with her.
And what do you do? You move the girl into his home?

Stop pussyfooting and help your son!

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 19:17

well I've set a date for her to move out.

By my birthday in January. which i think is fair because it's enough notice and doesn't mean she'll be out of home at Christmas

I did go a bit 'shouty' and told son I'm worried because he isn't taking life seriously enough

There was a big arguement and he said well if she's having to leave then so will I

He then came back through and said I might stay until next year because I want to fininsh college and go to uni and if I moved into my own flat just now I'd screw it all up .

I'm also wondering if created this much 'drama' for my own parents, I hope I didn't , my head is in a spin

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 19:47

Well done creamola!!!!!

Now you need to stick to that date like glue.

You're not being mean - she can go home after all - and your son seems to (fortunately) not be stubborn enough to follow through. That shows you have a good relationship with him - that he can actually say "I've thought about it and I've changed my mind" - that is quite something at 18.

Lots of teenagers create drama for their parents - and themselves - even if you didn't - be reassured it is quite normal!

ps please report your earlier post and get your son's name deleted!!!

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 20:26

thanks SardineQueen I have reported my earlier post .

She, the gf , just had a bath which DS1 ran for her ............and she left wet towels on the bathroom floor and bubbles and hairs in the bath.

it's not that hard to clean up after a bath is it? I feel mean for critisizing her but come onto to fuck ...if you have a bath sort it out (i'm a bit anal about my bathroom)

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 20:29

Well done.

I hope you told her to sort the bath out?

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 20:33

Go and tell her to clean the bathroom up.

You need to turn into mrs nasty Grin

We I can help with that Wink

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/11/2011 20:43

you need to wipe the doormat scribble off your forehead, they are both old enough to take an active part in keeping the house nice and pullingnthier wieght, if its not financially its by working, if she wants to be a cleaner she can get 'work experience'. seriously though \gf sounds a bit messed up and a bit of distance may be best for your son so go ahead with the deadline to move her out, reinforce to him that if he wants a future he needs to get his qualifications and start helping him be a bit more responsible, he should be helping round the house and capable of washing clothes and cooking for himself if needed even though you are doing most of it for now. f GF is a fixture then its a whole different ball game, talk to her mum / parents about this as you should not be keeping her too.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 20:47

I went through to sons bedroom and said 'I think you've left something in the bathroom'

'Have I? she says then looks around bedroom 'what did I leave?'

A mess , she is now cleaning the bathroom and I feel a bit mean

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 16/11/2011 20:49

I moved in with dh's family when I was 21 but had left college. I had had a row with my aunt whom I was living with at the time. Even at that age MIL put me in my own room, charged me rent and laid down house rules. She would not have tolerated a mossy bathroom.

chipmonkey · 16/11/2011 20:49

Or a messy one!

grumplestilskin · 16/11/2011 20:49

hang on a mo, maybe he thought he wanted to do that course but its not for him and he can't change his path because the OP is ringing people up telling them to shout at him to keep going..

Ive taken the wrong path before (uni) and it was hard enough to admit the mistake and drop out to find the right thing without having that aswell. I ended up later getting a 2:1 in something right for me, but when I was doing something that wasn't what I'ld imagined I did skip days and spend days in bed to start with.

Speak to him like you would an adult friend not a child who's dragging their feet to school and get to the root of it!

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 20:50

Go creamola Go!!!!

Getting someone to clear up a few suds that they left is not mean!

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 20:50

Grin @ mossy bathroom!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/11/2011 21:01

mossy bathrooms are all the rage right now chipmonkey Smile

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 21:21

I phoned his Dad grumplestilskin not a random stranger .

If we were still together he would be shouting at DS to get out of bed and go to college.

It was stupid phoning him because he just moaned and said 'you've woken me up' 'let him fuck up*

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 16/11/2011 21:23

You cannot kick your child out.

Sorry, no matter what he does not deserve to be kicked out.

My mother kicked my brother out cos he didn't have a job 23 years ago, whilst they were lording it up in the house my brother was sleeping in a neighbours car outside.

Kicking your kid out for not going to college is scum behaviour.

Ask him if he has problems, finding it hard etc., ask him if changes his courses might be an option.

FabbyChic · 16/11/2011 21:26

Jesus you have no awareness at all of mental illness or someone who self harms, when someone self harms they do it out of anxiety, worry, stress.

They don't do it for fun.

Im off this thread you are unreal.

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