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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed and want to evict my DS1H

103 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 08:40

he is ment to be at college .

but has decided he has cold and isn't going in.

This will be the third day in 3 weeks he hasnt gone to college

I can see him losing his place and I worry about that .

I've just spoken to his dad (my ex husband) and his atttitude is let him do what he wants if he fs it up he f*s it up

But if he fuc**s it up he will still be under my roof and I don't want I son who drops out of college and doesnt work expecting me to pay for me .

would it be unreasonable to tell him to leave

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 10:33

Agree with lydia.

Also your ex isn't going to be much help here - and you don't want to watch your son fuck up obviously! So you need to take a deep breath, shoulders back and chin up, sit them down, and tell them how it is. Your son needs to understand that he is so incredibly lucky with being paid to go to college and if he screws it up then he prob won't get another opportunity like that. Of course at 18 you think you know everything and that everything will be OK - but if you tell him what the consequences are as per lydia's posts and look like you will follow though (you have to mean it) then you might well get somewhere.

TroublesomeEx · 16/11/2011 10:34

Ha ha , well if he wants to be a teacher or a chef he's going to have to get his act together and stop being so lazy.

I don't think you find many teachers or chefs who laze around in bed all day!!! The hours are too long and the jobs are too demanding!

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 10:34

he's 18 ...girlfriend is 18

I do his laundry mainly because I have watched him try to fit a pair of jeans into the powder drawer and look extemely confused when they didnt fit .

I am worried about him though . I don't want him to be an unemploted 18 year old

OP posts:
Callisto · 16/11/2011 10:39

Why do you need your ex to shout at your son? Can you not say the same thing? And it does sound like he is taking the piss because you are allowing him to take the piss. If he can't use the washing machine hand him the instruction manual. You're complaining about your son and enabling his uselessness at the same time.

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 10:41

you don't sound like a bad mum - you sound like a mum of a fairly normal 18 year old. Is he comming to the end of college? if so he would be MAD to throw it away now

My advice would be:

  1. Address the issues with college - are there any (or is he just wanting to stay with his GF) and if so what can be done
  2. remind him, with holidays etc, he probably has less than 6 mths left at college
  3. GF - either she goes home or pays rent
  4. Get him to use his 'spare' time - such as today to hunt for work, explore opportunities, visit the apprenticeship website (www.apprenticeships.org.uk) and if he can find something better than college - leave and do it BUT not until he has !

some careers advice might help as well - he sounds like he needs to refocus

good luck x

A1980 · 16/11/2011 10:42

This will be the third day in 3 weeks he hasnt gone to college

Is that all? Talk about an over reaction of the century.

When I was uni, I skipped a heck of alot more days than that at one point. I came out with a 2:1 and now I'm a solicitor.

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 10:45

yes but he is at college not uni - they WILL kick kids out for low attendance and he wont get his money - also not wanting to go in repeatedly could indicate issues with the course that need resolving

I don't think it;s over reacting - when he is at uni and not living off/with his mum he can do what he likes

the knock on effects of him getting kicked out of college will effect the whole family financially

pregnantpause · 16/11/2011 10:46

How can you have let him get to 18 without ever having done a load of washing? When were you planning to teach him the facts of everyday life? Or were you hoping that he would grow up get married and have another woman do the shit jons for him in your place?

You need to stop enabling him, and force him to be an adult.

pregnantpause · 16/11/2011 10:48

jobs

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 10:49

A1980....congratulations with your 2:1 was it in sarcasm ?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 10:50

Cremola.

You need to tell the girlfriend to leave.

If your ds wants to live together with his girlfriend, then he needs to

  1. get a qualification
  2. Get a job
  3. Get a salary and a flat and MOVE OUT

He does not get to have adult life under your roof, as it enables him to stop TRYING to get an adult right by doing step 1, 2 and 3 above.

She must leave, and her mum must sort her out. Your are doing neither of them a favour.

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 10:53

also if the GF is getting benefit should should be paying you rent - my mum you to ask for 1/3 or what ever money we had Grin

and yes - show him how to use the washing machine!

LydiaWickham · 16/11/2011 10:54

Re the washing, he'll never learn unless someone shows him, tell him he has to do his own, if he would like you to teach him, you will, but you won't do it again (and mean it). If he wants to be a teacher, after college he has to get a degree, unless you're going to keep putting up with this for another 3-4 years (I wouldn't) he's probably going to leave home. Best he learns some basic life skills when you're here to show him.

(remembers 27 year old friend calling me when his GF left him asking how to use the washing machine as his mum wasn't answering the phone and as I'm his only 'mum' friend he thought I could tell him. I made sure all other mutual friends knew and they massively took the piss. Don't let your DS end up like this!)

LydiaWickham · 16/11/2011 10:55

Oh yes, if the GF is staying more than 1 week, she pays rent.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 10:55

he has used the washing machine *pregnantpit was just funny the day he tried to fit his jeans into the poweder drawer.

I appreciate everyones comments ...I am starting to think I'm being too soft

Would you all seriously get rid of the girlfriend though? I am a bit surprised at that reaction? I thought I'd be potential mum in law from hell from if I asked /told her to leave

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 16/11/2011 10:56

Tell him to leave college, get a job and start paying rent. Assuming he doesn't want to go anymore which is the impression you are getting from his behaviour.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 11:02

No, she is 18, he is 18. She is not a lodger. He is in education. You are WAY too soft. If he wants to live with his girlfriend, he make sure he is fit to do so in the proper way. In HIS OWN flat, the one he pays for with his salary. He does not get to move her into his mums house. It is ridiculous.

ArtVandelay · 16/11/2011 11:06

"Would you all seriously get rid of the girlfriend though? I am a bit surprised at that reaction? I thought I'd be potential mum in law from hell from if I asked /told her to leave"

Come on! He's 18 and he wants a job that requires him to go to Uni. He's going to meet stacks of girls. You don't honestly think he'll marry this one!

Creamy you are far, far too nice and sweet. This GF needs to go and your son needs to feel your harsh side. Fledging a child seems to be as important, difficult and labour intensive as caring for a toddler (where I'm at right now). Your son is sooooooo lucky to have you and his paid for college placement.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:07

he is edging that way OrmIrian but infuriates me .

I am a study hard get good qualifications get a good job type of person however his dad is a 'it's a bit of paper' do you really want a job sort of guy (one of the reasons were divorced)

he just seems to be attracted to his dad philosophy right now without saying it out loud and that annoys and worries me

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 16/11/2011 11:07

How about you're worried he's not going to college, is girlfriend being here too much of a distraction for him? Go to college and girlfriend can stay for a bit?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 11:08

He has used the machine but you do all the laundry. That's bonkers at 18, let him do his own bloody laundry. You'll be telling us you cook their dinner and send him off to college with cut sandwiches next.

cwtch4967 · 16/11/2011 11:09

You are making everything far too easy for him (and her). Time to get tough and take back control.

redlac · 16/11/2011 11:12

I would never have let the gf move in in the first place

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:15

I didn't redlac it just sort of got happened

It was ment to be for one weekend but she has been here for 2 months and her mum is offering to bring her double bed down

I'm trying to get her and her mum talking again , as , nice as she is , I don't want her living with me...I sound horrible now

OP posts:
redlac · 16/11/2011 11:18

2 months!! You don't sound horrible you sound a bloody saint!

Get her out now - do not accept the double bed and charge her back rent and housekeeping - she is massively taking the piss. Shes not working so she is hanging about all day in your house?

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