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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really annoyed and want to evict my DS1H

103 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 08:40

he is ment to be at college .

but has decided he has cold and isn't going in.

This will be the third day in 3 weeks he hasnt gone to college

I can see him losing his place and I worry about that .

I've just spoken to his dad (my ex husband) and his atttitude is let him do what he wants if he fs it up he f*s it up

But if he fuc**s it up he will still be under my roof and I don't want I son who drops out of college and doesnt work expecting me to pay for me .

would it be unreasonable to tell him to leave

OP posts:
redlac · 16/11/2011 11:19

ps love you nn - i have cravings for Creamola Foam everytime I see you name on the screen!

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 11:20

see now this is where I am going to get cross with you - stop being nice - you are not their mate - your are his MUM - stop - she needs to leave or pay rent and pull her weight - he needs to go to college

I personally think if my kids think I am their best mate I have failed Grin it's my job to be their worst nightmare!

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 11:21

and if she wants to be a cleaner give her some work experience Grin

proudfoot · 16/11/2011 11:21

YANBU to be annoyed but I think the first thing is to have a good talk with him and make it blatantly clear what is at stake - that if he doesn't go to college his college money and benefits will be cut off, that you will not have him for free so it would be time to pay rent or leave. Hopefully this would be a reality check for him. YABVU if you do evict him over this with no warning.

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 11:28

even more reason for her to leave

slartybartfast · 16/11/2011 11:30

oh that's crap.
his attitude isnt that bad, but if he carries on he will be chucked off the course.
he needs to send the gf back to her mum.
he doesnot need the responsiblity of a self harming girlfirend, imo
bridges must be built with her family.
have a chat with them both

mummytime · 16/11/2011 11:30

Get rid of the GF. You are enabling her, and enabling her to trap your son.

There is no way my son would move a gf in here, certainly not at 18, certainly not without paying rent.
If they want to live together they need to go out into the real world and try to make it work.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 16/11/2011 11:33

You sound like my mum: best in the world but soft as custard.
My brother is 21 and lies in bed all day as he's off sick from work, but not with something that requires bed rest. He only works part time so on his days off he doesn't get up, but why would he? He gets his washing done for him, mum makes sure his phone is charged and he gets his meals delivered to him in bed! If he doesn;t like what she's brought she'll leaver her own dinner and start making him something else! It infuriates the rest of us!
You really need to make a stand on this before it gets even more out of hand. Either he starts getting out of bed or you stop everything; washing, cooking, cleaning etc. The girlfriend will move out as she won't want to be staying in stinky sheets (I would hope!) and he'll start getting up again.
Good luck x

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 11:37

you might want to report that last post creamloa and get it deleted where you say your son's name

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 11:39

FWIW I would be looking for the GF to move out as well. They are 18 and shacking up together and you are paying for it - very nice for them but uncommonly generous of you ie yes you are being a soft touch. It sounds like she has a lot of problems which makes it hard though so I don't know what to say really.

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 11:40

BTW my mum looked after my brother and he is still at home aged mid thirties. They are never going to get rid of him now. Unhealthy for him and for them. Don't fall into that trap!

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:40

proudfoot* even if I really feel I want to evict him I know in my heart of hearts I couldn't ...where would he go?

I'm the Mum and I have to look after regardless of his age .

I am tempted to suggest the girlfriend leaves though and if he wants to follow , what will be will be

I do think it would be a positive thing for him to move out , i was 17 when I did

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 11:40

Sorry but what does the "H" mean in "DS1H?"

You should not be mothering him. Who's going to want to marry him if you do? He'll stay forever.

starfishmummy · 16/11/2011 11:49

Decide what you want. If you are OK with the girlfriend living with you then you need to set down how much she pays you a week for her food and share of the bills. She gets JSA for her living expenses so that is what she should use it for. By all means leave her with a small amount of pocket money/bus fare to get to the jobcentre but thats all. She should also pull her weight around the house.
If you don't want the girlfriend living with you then give her notice to either go home or find a flat.

With your DS I'm not sure what you can do really - even if you get him out of the house you can't guarantee that he will actually go to college. If he is 18 and drops out then he will be able to get JSA and again most of this should come to you for board.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:52

i even made mince and potatoes for the girlfriend because I was worried about her not eating

I don't like or eat mince and potatoes but I made it for her , and lentil soup ,

Her mum should being doing this no? But if she's fallen out with her mum I wouldn't want her go without ?

Maybe I should put my foot down and insist they go down to his dads for a few days

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 11:55

pigletjohn I have no idea I think my fingers were trigger happy and added an 'H' ..

I had hoped that had gone unnoticed but noooooooo you had to mention it Smile

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 11:57

creamola please do report that post and get it deleted Smile

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 12:00

Also BTW I understand that when it came down to it you wouldn't actually chuck your son out. And that his GF sounds as if she has some real problems and of course you want to help her too.

Thing is he is only 18 and so is she - if you are going to act like a parent in the looking after then you need to be parenty in the other stuff. How about saying that while she stays your son / her need to sleep in another room or the sofa? She's never going to make it up with her mum while she is living with him. PLUS you say she self harms when he tries to chuck her - so where is the motivation to make it up with her mum? She is where she wants to be.

I think you need to sort this out - what will "sending" them to the dads do? Will they even go? I think it's up to you, as hard as it is, sorry.

SardineQueen · 16/11/2011 12:02

I mean, when I was 16 18 I had a boyfriend who got chucked out. He stayed on the sofa for 1 night as it was the middle of teh night when he hoved up and my parents looked like this Angry and [catsbumface] about the whole thing.

Are you a parent or a mate? If you're a parent then they can't share a room. If you're a mate then rent needs to be paid. That sort of thinking.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 12:10

how can you not mother someone if your a mother?

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 12:16

so I say 'girlfriend of son' you have overstayed your welcome you cant stay here anymore ,. go back to your mums even though she has said she doesnt want you at this moment in time ,and if you try to self harm again were not falling for it.

That would be really harsh is there a nice way to phrase it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 12:18

I can't just tell her to leave she has no where to go

OP posts:
redlac · 16/11/2011 12:21

she does have somewhere to go - her mums!

failing that HER mother has made her homeless and she needs to contact the council. YOU aren't making her homeless HER mother did.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 12:22

Yes she does.

And right now YOU are stopping her from making up with her mum. You are stopping her from taking responsibility for whatever led to her taking the easy way out and leaving home.

Dont let BOTH of them go to her dad. Let him go. Surely she is not staying alone at yours? Have words with his dad first, so he KNOWS not to let this girl in....