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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH might need some help? (..or maybe he does hate me?!)

84 replies

MrsBumpy · 15/11/2011 09:12

Told me at the wend that he hates me and mumbled something about me being 'run over' when he stormed off. I'm 39 wks preg & know I've been a challenge to live with - moody, bit snappy & generally a bit of a pain in the arse! Honestly, I'm not normally like this..!

We were taking DD (20 months) out for a walk at the time. I absolutely hate it when she sees us not getting on, try to avoid her seeing if possible.

Probably sounds dramatic, but I feel since the wkend I've retreated into a shell in myself, can't look at him and feel like I'm doubting our relationship..
DH is normally lovely to me, very committed & a fantastic dad to DD, but he thinks life should be perfect & gets hugely frustrated when we have disagreements which I thought were a normal part of life Confused
He is very apologetic about what he said, but he seems to lose his temper badly like that about once a month (in front of DD too which is not acceptable). I've mentioned anger management therapy & he was a bit neutral about it..
I'm not qualified in MH so I don't know what would help the situation whether its couples therapy or AM therapy for him. Obv. timing is a bit off as I might go into labour anytime soon Shock but I'm worried about the effect on the DC if we don't get it sorted sooner rather than later.

Also is it usual for men to completely go off sex when you're heavily pregnant? I guess it's down to the individual, but anyone elses experiences would be appreciated! I haven't put on much weight in pregnancy but I can tell he doesn't fancy me Sad. Absolutely no chance of sex to help bring on labour then...

OP posts:
themightyfandango · 15/11/2011 09:19

How awful for you. I think telling your pregnant wife you hate her is twatty tbh even if he feels like that he should be adult enough to keep it to himself.

Im going to be generous to him and assume he is feeling stressed and is taking it out on you. If this hasnt resolved itself after the birth I would consider counselling.

Good luck with this and your baby.

ecclesvet · 15/11/2011 09:27

We all have bad days when we say things we don't mean. Once a month doesn't seem too bad imo, but obviously you should talk to him about it, and about doing it in front of DD.

That said, I expect we'll be on leave the bastard by page 3.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/11/2011 09:28

I think that is a truly awful thing to say to you, particularly when you are pg and feel vulnerable and I will make no excuses for his behaviour.

He is an adult - he knows what he did was wrong and awful and if he truly cares about you, he will be doing everything to make sure this never happens again. If he was mine, I would tell him that he gets some help or he gets a new wife.

Even without professional help, very few adults are incapable of controlling what comes out of their mouths. It's no good being a 'good' husband and father most of the time, if you then shatter everyone's feelings with this nasty behaviour every so often. It will leave you and your children with no confidence or faith in the man who is supposed to love you above all things, so he needs to get it sorted and quick!

AmberNectarine · 15/11/2011 09:38

OP, this is inexcusable, especially in front of your DD. I was a fucking nightmare very hormonal and irrational in my last pregnancy and DH bore the brunt of it. We did have a few ding dongs but never in front of DS and only when I had pushed him to the absolute limit. Never once did he do anything worse than try to reason with me about the fact I was being a nightmare.

Do you think your DH could be feeling under pressure with the new baby about to arrive? Or is it a more long term thing?

I know a lot of men do go off sex when their partner is pregnant. My DH only went off it when I was overdue and at my sweep he heard the midwife say the head was 'right there' (though I still think we would have been alright!) Did you have the same problem last time?

RomanKindle · 15/11/2011 09:44

If the mumbling something about being run over was that he wished you would get run over that's really not on to say about your wife - particularly when heavily pregnant! It's not a normal thing to say in anger imo and quite sinister. Is he prepared to seek help for his anger issues?

Some men do go off sex when their partners are pg. Either because they are uncomfortable with the change in their partners body shape, they feel weird being sexual with the baby inches away or they fear they could somehow hurt the baby. I would ask him about it. If it is fear of hurting the baby maybe he would be prepared to do things other than full intercourse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2011 09:54

It sounds like he needs to revise his expectations on family life e.g. pregnant women can get grumpy, stuff can go wrong, loving couples can fall out etc., because if his expectations are too high, he will be constantly disappointed. I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to be calm and collected 24/7, and if you recognise your own PITA behaviour is unacceptable, then you could both work on being kinder to each other. There could be something really bothering him such as money, job security, anxiety about the new baby. You've presumably got your own concerns e.g. the lack of sex.

As ever, if you talk about it calmly and set aside time to get problems & concerns out in the open, situations are less likely to boil over.

diddl · 15/11/2011 10:00

It´s bad enough saying he hates you, without thinking of a scenario where you get hurt imo.

I agree that he needs help to learn to keep such thoughts/feelings to himself.

But why do you think that disagreements are normal?

Well, depends what you mean-yes people disagree, but it shouldn´t lead to arguments.

My husband has never said he hates me, we don´t argue-but we do agree to disagree, he didn´t go off sex when I was pregnant.

HTH.

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 15/11/2011 23:52

Thanks everyone for all your replies. And you've given me some comfort AmberNectarine that it's not weird to be moody & irrational when pg!

DH is very apologetic about it but this evening when I mentioned getting some help, he said 'maybe' and didn't say much more. I know he's feeling shitty about it; I keep reassuring him that we're ok and most people say things they don't mean (you're right though karmerbeliver - it does make me lose confidence in him, even though I'm trying hard not to). He is just on a right old downer I think and won't snap out of it. A lot might stem from his childhood - his mum was emotionally abusive so it could be why he is so defensive and gets so angry, but as I say much as I want to help, I'm not qualified (when I do try I seem to make it worse..).

I think you all touched on some points that made me think...such as his expectations being too high (of the relationship, our family, everything really) and his anxiety about the new baby etc.
I'm worried I might snap though and tell him to sodding step up and stop feeling sorry for himself. Trying not to though as that won't help the situation or him.

Re: the sex thing - was different last time with DD as I was quite ill towards the end so it didn't come up. He has said he feels weird about it as he worries about hurting the baby even though I've said that it's completely fine & hinted that's what some couples may try to induce labour!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 00:01

If he is very apologetic then that is a good signal. Everyone gets ratty, everyone mutters things that they do not mean. And we all regret them afterwards.

I can fully understand him not wanting to have sex now that you are so heavily pregnant. I certainly wouldnt take it that he doesnt want sex with you, just that he doesnt want it at the moment while you are so close to the birth. I would think less of a bloke who was expecting sex at 39 weeks actually.

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 01:28

ah yeah you're probably right about the sex issue squeakytoy, bump also seems to be much much bigger than last time too Confused a bit comedy in fact!
He is genuinely sorry, I know that. We've now just got to work on sorting out the underyling causes.

OP posts:
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 01:35

he's perhaps confused ?

Loads of men dont want sex when their wife is 39 weeks pregant ..

Give him a break

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 01:38

I cant imagine what it would be like to be a man when his wife is pregnnt .

It must be scary for them surely

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 01:42

of course it scarey for him! but scarey or not, its not ok to lose his temper and say the things he said in front of DD

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 01:43

That maybe true about most men, but he actually hasn't wanted sex for the last 3 or so months, so that's why I was a bit concerned...

OP posts:
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 01:47

have you invited sex ? If you havent maybe he's waiing on your nod that it is ok

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 01:48

waiting

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 01:54

I've tried, but he doesn't want to (hurting the baby/feels like the baby is there with us etc), doesn't matter so much now (too busy 'nesting' anyhow ha!) just hope everything sorts itself out after bubs arrives Smile

OP posts:
DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 16/11/2011 01:59

I'd suggest DH does need some help.

If anger management or MH help is relevant, I'm unsure. But telling your DW that you hate her, or mumbling something about getting run over is not normal. Nor should it be dismissed on the basis that he's apologised.

What are his other outbursts like? If you're suggesting he needs anger management for them, I suspect they're not acceptable...

CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 02:09

oh course it will all sort it self after the baby arrives

men go a bit odd when women are pregnant but then everything goes back to normal after the baby is out of you

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 02:10

Other outbursts are on a similar level Dontcallme, but he hasn't said anything quite that bad before. If it was a one off, it wouldn't worry me so much, but as I say it's happened at least once a month.
I'm not sure if AM or general therapy would be better either...I do have to get him to agree to do something though (and he always seems less keen when everything has died down following the outburst)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 02:12

Smile hope so Creamola, really do

OP posts:
CreamolaFoamless · 16/11/2011 02:58

concentrate on you and the baby

it will work itself out ,

Sloobreeus · 16/11/2011 04:24

Bumpy, there may be things about his life that he hates but in frustration and for effect your DH chose to say he hated you. Could be money, issues at work, anxiety about the pregnancy, wider family stuff etc. Perhaps he feels trapped... Guess we all do sometimes. Awful that he expressed it to you in that way. Does he have hobbies? Maybe he needs that for balance football, stamp collecting, sky diving, running etc As long, of course, that he also helps etc with your DD and the new baby

Inertia · 16/11/2011 06:58

Fear of sex when their wife is pregnant is fairly common I think - fear of hurting the baby, and even the fact that the baby is so obviously there can be off-putting.

Anxiety probably also quite common.

Saying that you hate your heavily pregnant wife is not ok. The getting run over mutterings - if it was expressing concern that you were in danger, that's understandable. If he was saying that he hoped you got run over - well, that's frankly horrifying, and he needs help urgently to deal with that and shouldn't have the option of being non-commital about it. With all due respect to previous posters, any man who thinks his wife and unborn child deserve to be run over has much deeper issues than stamp collecting can solve.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/11/2011 07:51

"DH is very apologetic about it but this evening when I mentioned getting some help, he said 'maybe' and didn't say much more."

You're not going to get very far in the conversation if you lump it all on his shoulders from the outset and put him on the defensive. "Let's have a conversation about how it's all your fault"..... is not a great way to have an open discussion.

You need to find out what the concerns and stress-points are from all sides of the relationship before leaping in with a diagnosis of behavioural therapy. It's far more likely that a combination of small annoyances is at the root of the bad tempered atmosphere rather than one person having some big mental health issue. As you've already said that you're snappy and moody, you're experiencing this as well Explore what's happening together, be honest with each other, accept that you both need to adjust your behaviour and - above all - don't fling around blame.

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