To think DH might need some help? (..or maybe he does hate me?!)

[MrsBumpy]

Told me at the wend that he hates me and mumbled something about me being 'run over' when he stormed off. I'm 39 wks preg & know I've been a challenge to live with - moody, bit snappy & generally a bit of a pain in the arse! Honestly, I'm not normally like this..!

We were taking DD (20 months) out for a walk at the time. I absolutely hate it when she sees us not getting on, try to avoid her seeing if possible.

Probably sounds dramatic, but I feel since the wkend I've retreated into a shell in myself, can't look at him and feel like I'm doubting our relationship..
DH is normally lovely to me, very committed & a fantastic dad to DD, but he thinks life should be perfect & gets hugely frustrated when we have disagreements which I thought were a normal part of life
He is very apologetic about what he said, but he seems to lose his temper badly like that about once a month (in front of DD too which is not acceptable). I've mentioned anger management therapy & he was a bit neutral about it..
I'm not qualified in MH so I don't know what would help the situation whether its couples therapy or AM therapy for him. Obv. timing is a bit off as I might go into labour anytime soon but I'm worried about the effect on the DC if we don't get it sorted sooner rather than later.

Also is it usual for men to completely go off sex when you're heavily pregnant? I guess it's down to the individual, but anyone elses experiences would be appreciated! I haven't put on much weight in pregnancy but I can tell he doesn't fancy me . Absolutely no chance of sex to help bring on labour then...

I see where you're coming from Cogito but I think saying that I'm putting the blame on him ("Let's have a conversation about how it's all your fault") isn't accurate and not how I've approached it.

I think a fair amount is related to small annoyances but as I said in my earlier post, I think there are deep routed issues there. I see the value in getting professional help when it's needed; I had a course of Cognitive hypnotherapy which, due to being lucky enough to find a good therapist, was hugely beneficial in helping me to understand my reactions and core beliefs and the impact on relationships.

So, as I have some (or rather a little) experience of this, I realise how unqualified I am if there are deep-routed issues that contribute to the outbursts. I just feel a little powerless to help sometimes..

Strange you said that Sloobreeus, DH doesn't really keep up with his hobbies. I'm always encouraging him to go for a drink after work or do some mountain biking at the weekend as I know he gets frustrated with the work-home-thenworkagain cycle. He is so determined to be the 'perfect dad' (his parents were at each others throats all the time, horrible) that I think he puts pressure on himself to be super committed, which is of course absolutely lovely, but may not be the best thing for him if he doesn't have other things in his life. It's up to him what he does with his time though.

But yes Inertia, I'm not sure that will solve everything either.

I'm sorry but, unless you volunteer for couple-based therapy, rather than keeping asking him to get counselling for anger management then you are still laying the blame at his door and ignoring your own contribution. I think you are looking for 'deep-routed (sic) issues' in him based on nothing more than your own experiences with therapy and this is blinding you to the obvious.... i.e. a man living with a very (by her own admission) moody and snappy partner and who is being considerate enough not to say anything negative on a day-to-day basis will bottle up the frustration and things will boil over periodically as a result. Unless you talk to each other honestly and admit that both of your behaviours are driving the other round the twist, nothing will improve.

What Cogito said, basically.

Pregnancy, esp. late pregnancy, is a horrible time but how much flak has he been taking to make him say something so horrible (bearing in mind that you say he is usually lovely)? It doesn't excuse him of course, but neither does pregnancy excuse you.

Pesonally, dh found the whole pregnancy/birth thing v. stressful and sex was definitely not on his agenda, worse luck. Wouldn't worry about that.

Of course I realise my moody snappy behaviour is bloody annoying and contributing hugely to the situation!! (I kinda said that in my first post) and believe you me I know if I wasn't reacting like that sometimes, it would be great buuut I'm human and pg and definitely not on my best form at the moment.

Again I'm open to couples-based therapy and I'm not trying somehow recruit him into having some therapy because I had some previously which I found helpful. As said, I'm not sure he does need it (how can I say he definitely does or he doesn't?!) but the point is I'm not entirely sure the best way I can help/we can move forward. Do in some ways appreciate your straight talking though (wouldn't accuse you of being fluffy )

My primary worry is the outbursts in front of DD and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to work on this, together.

Flak-wise, probably a fair amount tbh
Oh bloody fuck-it! you're probably right...

You know, you sound very reasonable for someone so pregnant.

I think you could put this down to the stress of the current situation. Youre DH has apologised which is good.

You're not having sex, so that intimacy is closed off and probably you are both a bit pent up. Youve got a young DD already. Labour and childbirth is coming up, but who knows when it might kick off (nerve racking for you both). You're tired and fed up and heavily pregnant (fair enough!). You feel vulnerable because you are so pregnant and its harder when you fall out when you are feeling vulnerable - you worry more about it and are less resilient.

Ive just had my DS two weeks ago. I said some terrible things to DH when DS was a few days old. I told him I hated his guts and I wished he would just f off out of my life as he was as useful as a chocolate teapot and I could manage the two kids better on my own. I really felt rage and hatred at that moment, too. Later I was sobbing because I had been so nasty - thankfully DH is very forgiving! I know realise it was 4 days post-birth - classic time for major hormonal upheavals!

But, like you, we were both so stressed - no sex for ages (mainly cos I don't feel up for it - DH would be!). Toddler playing up and upset about new baby from time to time. New baby and trying to manage two of them. Sleepless nights, being four days post partum with all the bleeding, soreness from 3rd degree tear. Trying to get bfing established and it being agony every time DS latched on, cracked nipples .... etc ect you know the script! We had similar moments when I was heavily pregnant too (DS was 10 days late).

Two weeks in, DH has gone back to work, DS is feeding well and only every 4 hours, DD has calmed down and is now quite protective of DS and helps me with him, etc things are a million times better. Just try to hang on to the fact that in a month or so, your lovely baby will be here, you will have got through the first 2 weeks and you will feel like a family of four, you won't be pregnant any more (hooray!), and you will start to feel like embracing your new life and feeling good, and you'll be able to reconnect with your DH a bit.

Good luck! This is the hardest part you're at now - such a strain on the relationship to be just waiting for this massive event to occur and worrying how you will manage with two!

So you're 39 wks pg and being a bit of a PITA. You say in your OP you're not always like that. Was he having these 'outbursts' even when you weren't huge and hormonal?

The outburst you described was far from normal. It must have been quite frightening. He should be nurturing and protective of you, not talking about you getting run over. And telling you he hates you? In front of your DD?

Yes, of course, he might be stressed at the the thought of the impending birth, but fgs he's not the one who has to give birth, or who's in the uncomfortable, knackered, hormonal stage of late pregnancy.

You've been very open about the fact that you've been a PITA recently. It shows that you're willing to look at your part in things. I just cannot understand the posters who're saying this excuses a man saying that his pregnant wife should be run over. Neither does it show that you should discount anger management therapy or any other therapy that focuses on him alone.

He does need to sodding step up. You'll be having a busy week this week, you know with having a baby and everything, so maybe now isn't the best time to have that conversation. But when you do, you need to spell out to him what will happen if he doesn't step up.

You could do a marriage course together? Would be a good opportunity to discuss conflict and dealing with it in a calm and neutral environment - but feels more informal and "normal" than therapy.

Blimey

This is a sad sight to behold

There really are women that encourage other women to believe that they brought the abusive behaviour of their partners upon themselves

Sick, dat

Abusive?

yes

Muttering a nasty comment and flouncing off in a huff is abusive?

did you miss the bit where Op says he does this on a regular basis ?

is telling your pg you hate her in front of a child acceptable ?

is hoping someone will "get run over" the mindset of a decent person ?

is simply saying "sorry" but not doing anything practical to prevent these regular "blow ups" (I would be interested to find out if he has "blow ups with everybody, rather than just his wife) enough ?

OP said it is a one off ...it isn't

this is simply the worst so far

a very different situation, IMO

your pg wife

There is no suggestion of a 'wider pattern' is there? The OP seems upset by the bad-tempered behaviour precisely because it's out of character. Have the people who think this is an example of abuse honestly never shouted something hurtful or OTT when they've been annoyed with someone?

it isn't "out of character" he is doing it at least once a month

i would venture that is rather a set "character" pattern, and the fact this is the worst one yet indicates it is possibly an escalating one

a large percentage of domestic abuse starts around pg and childbirth

OP should be mindful of that

and people telling her she needs to just be a bit nicer, and then he won't verbally abuse her in front of her child is very poor advice, IMO

What AnyFucker said. That's all I have to say.

Once a month is not "out of character".

Verbally abusing her in front of her DD is not just verbal abuse, IIRC, it counts as child emotional abuse as the child is witnessing the verbal abuse of a mother.

OP, please consider talking to Women's Aid, on 0808 2000 247.

I would certainly think it more prudent for OP to take WA's advice, than that of people who think it's ok for a man to verbally abuse his partner in front of their child as long as he says "sorry" afterwards

On the "oh he said sorry" brigades logic, would you be excusing this man if he had physically assaulted the OP, but apologised and seemed genuinely remorseful afterwards?

"sorry" really doesn't make it ok. He needs to be understanding and accepting his problem, then taking steps to stop it happeing again.

As the OP said, this is a regular occurrence, it needs dealing with before it escalates further.

IMO the lack of sex is irrelevant, some men go off it, some women go off it, some don't. Hopefully he can show affection and love in other ways if sex in late pregnancy is not for him.

As a bloke I was a bit confused and had to check I was on the right site.
OP is 39 weeks pregnant with DC2 and a bit moody - nothing unusual in that.
DP tells her he hates her and mutters something about being run over. Generally loses it once a month and is possibly frustrated due the lack of a sex life (but still no reason not to be intimate). And most of the responses on here are telling the OP to look at her own behaviour towards him or something of a similar vein. I say no!
He should be addressing his issues with a degree of urgency. OK he may be a bit stressed (about the route to the hospital maybe?) about the impending arrival but he knows the score -it is DC2. Not an excuse in the slightest - man up and get on with it andtake some responsibility and be strong for his DP who has got infinitely more reasons to be stressed than he has.
What he said was twattish of the first order and totally unreasonable in any context. Sorry OP but he needs to look at this and figure out why he has ended up in a place where he feels he can say such things.