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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH might need some help? (..or maybe he does hate me?!)

84 replies

MrsBumpy · 15/11/2011 09:12

Told me at the wend that he hates me and mumbled something about me being 'run over' when he stormed off. I'm 39 wks preg & know I've been a challenge to live with - moody, bit snappy & generally a bit of a pain in the arse! Honestly, I'm not normally like this..!

We were taking DD (20 months) out for a walk at the time. I absolutely hate it when she sees us not getting on, try to avoid her seeing if possible.

Probably sounds dramatic, but I feel since the wkend I've retreated into a shell in myself, can't look at him and feel like I'm doubting our relationship..
DH is normally lovely to me, very committed & a fantastic dad to DD, but he thinks life should be perfect & gets hugely frustrated when we have disagreements which I thought were a normal part of life Confused
He is very apologetic about what he said, but he seems to lose his temper badly like that about once a month (in front of DD too which is not acceptable). I've mentioned anger management therapy & he was a bit neutral about it..
I'm not qualified in MH so I don't know what would help the situation whether its couples therapy or AM therapy for him. Obv. timing is a bit off as I might go into labour anytime soon Shock but I'm worried about the effect on the DC if we don't get it sorted sooner rather than later.

Also is it usual for men to completely go off sex when you're heavily pregnant? I guess it's down to the individual, but anyone elses experiences would be appreciated! I haven't put on much weight in pregnancy but I can tell he doesn't fancy me Sad. Absolutely no chance of sex to help bring on labour then...

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 16/11/2011 17:01

Dh and I have been married for a hundred years and still have a fab sex life, but every time I got pg he went right off it. It's not personal and came back with a vengeance after I'd had the babies, so much so that I was pg again by the time dd2 was 3 months.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:10

It sounds as if your DH has basically and unbeknownst to you placed in your pat the responsibility to give him a perfect life or fix things for him that are all going wrong as a result of his mother's treatment during his childhood, and deeply resents the fact that it hasn't materialised.

If he has never had counselling to deal with his issues surrounding his childhood/mother then he needs to go and get himself sorted out. The no sex because of the baby thing is a smokescreen that has a lot to do with mother issues imo (and ime).

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:11

Chippy I think I x-posted with you.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:11

*pat = lap

BalloonSlayer · 16/11/2011 17:17

The bit that makes me go Confused is "I keep reassuring him that we're ok and most people say things they don't mean "

Why are you having to reassure him?

You're the sodding injured party here!

HE should be reassuring YOU that he still loves you, and that he didn't mean it.

And as for " A lot might stem from his childhood - his mum was emotionally abusive so it could be why he is so defensive and gets so angry" - yes perhaps, but rather than being reassured that things are OK, he needs to know that he is in grave danger of turning out just like her. Telling him it's OK, when it clearly isn't (otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here) is perpetuating a state of denial.

So . . . he is determined that you and he will not be like his parents: "at each other's throats all the time," is he? Not going very well, is it? I think it's time he realised that he is heading down the exact same path.

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 17:18

Thanks everyone for all your replies. Good to read your personal experience Bumpsadaisie and glad all is much better for you Smile

My head is spinning a bit...I don't honestly feel like I'm in an abusive relationship, but of course I still find what he said unacceptable (and he does too).
DH does have issues with his family & there have been outbursts with them, but he's resolved a very long standing rift with his mum in the last few months so things seem to be getting better there. And thinking about it, a lot of people have issues with their families.
You're right AnyFucker it's not a one off and it's the worst so far (ish..very bad one about 2 months ago).

I found an earlier poster saying that I put all the blame at his door a bit ironic because I do tend to blame myself actually when things go wrong, keep saying it but I know I've been a royal PITA! (the whole situation much worse since being pg Theregoesthefear but still there before pg)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 17:21

what happened in the "very bad" one 2 months ago, MrsBumpy ?

allagory · 16/11/2011 17:26

I think abusive is a bit strong here. I think it's just in the normal range of grumpy behaviour meets hormonal behaviour.

I find grumpy husband significantly less grumpy after exercise. Can you find some regular time for him to go to the gym or a run or for a swim?

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:30

There's a difference between getting along better with family members and actually dealing with the things that happened to him in his family on an emotional level when he was a child.

If he has anger outbursts with his own family members too then he definitely needs to accept that the problem is his to solve; yes, many people have issues with their families, but they either decide by themselves to live consciously as grown-ups and put it all behind them, go and get help sorting themselves out in order to be able to live as grown-ups, or end up divorced and seeing their children at weekends. It is not up to others to make allowances, judge them by their intentions and not their words and actions, or accept blame; here, the DH does the same thing to family members too. They can't all be wrong with him right all the time.

There are healthy ways to deal with childhood trauma. He hasn't dealt appropriately with it as he is clearly getting more rewards from his behaviour than appropriate consequences. Hence that 'maybe' after saying something that was egregiously horrible and in front of a little child too.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 17:32

so, it's getting better with his family...ok

but it is escalating with you

are you happy to continue to be his verbal punchbag (in front of dc) while he works through his issues with his family ?

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:33

'Can you find some regular time for him to go to the gym or a run or for a swim?'

This is a very good example of putting the responsibility for the behaviour of a grown adult in the hands of someone else.

If he felt his behaviour was really a problem for anyone then he would do whatever it took to make things better himself. He hasn't come to the realisation that what he does is a problem for anyone yet as he has got away with a series of 'sorrys' to this point, so that day will be a long time coming imo.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 17:34

yup, he just needs to run off all this aggression and all will be well

not

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 17:40

Sorry, bit slow here so hadn't caught up withy replies when I last posted! Thanks again for replies & nice to hear from a bloke chippy

During the 'very bad one' he lost his temper in the kitchen and came towards me aggressively but stopped.

Thanks mathanxiety. I'm not very good at expressing myself at the moment (pregnant mush brain?) but that is exactly my opinion (or would be if I was reading this about someone else & not in the middle of it...)

OP posts:
DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 16/11/2011 17:40

"Normal" is not telling your DW you hate her, and hoping she gets run over, allagory... Hmm

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 17:43

keep trying to encourage him to go out on his bike or have a bit of 'me' time, not very keen, dont know why

OP posts:
allagory · 16/11/2011 17:46

Yes, I do agree with you to some extent. But anger is a valid emotion and it needs to be channelled in the right way, not by just denying that it exists.

I suggested a practical approach that could help. You haven't suggested anything other than he needs to change his behaviour. Which I am sure he would if only he knew how.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:54

He won't go because he wants you to fix things for him, and he resents you for not fixing things. You haven't saved him. He knows there's something wrong, but he won't make the effort to dig and excise whatever it is.

It's easier to bump along and vent at you when he builds up a head of steam than open himself to a therapist and feel vulnerable or even weepy, deal with uncomfortable emotions and unpleasant memories. He feels more strong and in control when he throws his weight about in his own home.

He is firmly ensconced within his own comfort zone. This is why he won't take a bike out or go to a counsellor.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 17:55

It is also easier to blame you and your pregnancy or your different opinions than look at his own disproportionate anger and take responsibility for his part in the dynamic between you.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 17:58

I have a very practical solution

Zero tolerance for verbal abuse meted out in front of your children

Intimidating and threatening behaviour gets the response it deserves

He could change his behaviour if he wanted to. Does he loom threateningly at strangers in the street ? Does he wish his mates to get run over ? Does he verbally abuse his boss ?

He could at least attempt to get professional help for his issues. He isn't even willing to countenance that.

At the moment, he is in a win/win situation.

He gets to verbally abuse his wife and no consequences.

What would be even worse was if he were given positive reinforcement for such a pattern of behaviour.

ThereGoesTheFear · 16/11/2011 18:06

Why would he think he needs to change his behaviour, allagory, if he thinks he's entitled to treat his wife like that and if she gets really upset all he has to do is say sorry, and wait a month or so before doing the same again?
And OP coming at you aggressively must have been very frightening. He's showing you what he could do, in order to intimidate you. And at that stage you were 7 months pg Shock. This is extremely worrying.

FabbyChic · 16/11/2011 18:41

So because he doesnt want to shag you, and sometimes argues in front of your child you think he is mentally ill?

Seriously get a grip, some men don't like shagging pregnant women full stop, some worry that as you get bigger it will harm the baby.

Some people do have cross words in front of children, it happens, get over it.

FabbyChic · 16/11/2011 18:42

Once a month? Is not regular like once a week, once a day, its once a month, not all the time.

Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 18:50

excuse me - when did I say DH is mentally ill??! And what is 'mentally ill' anyway??

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBumpy · 16/11/2011 18:57

I think he desperately does want to stop reacting like that, just doesn't know how

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/11/2011 18:58

No, Fabby, not mentally ill. There's a difference between mentally ill and behaving really badly, but the really bad behaviour can be sorted by therapy just as therapy can sometimes be of benefit if someone is mentally ill.

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