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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to play football every week?

92 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 09:54

I probably am being u.

Dh used to play on Thursday nights and Sunday 5-6pm. When the twins were born 10 weeks ago he said he wouldn't be playing for a long time. Things were going well and dh asked if he could play one Sunday, then told me he was playing on the Thursday too (he'd be gone 7.45pm until gone 10pm). He gave me about 45 minutes notice o this one and I put my foot down and made it clear I didn't want him to go - he didn't go but made me feel guilty. He then said he would go to the Sunday football occasionally. Yesterday he said "right, I'll go and get ready for football" even though he knew I was cooking a family roast and we don't eat together in the week due to his working hours. If it was any other time of the day I would be fine but between 5 and 6pm I am busy getting dinner for dd1 (age 3) - and if she eats after 6pm she's too tired and gets difficult, doesn't eat much etc, and the twins seem to choose 4.30pm onwards to join forces for a good old cry.

I feel that I deal with this difficult time 5 days a week and the weekend is a chance for dh to help - I wouldn't leave him alone for it.

dh seemed miffed I didn't want him to go and said "it's what I do on Sundays" - hmmm it's gone from not playing to occasionally playing to "it's what I do on Sundays"

He even said that I leave him for an hour with the kids one evening a week - he soon back tracked when I pointed out that that is so I can do our family shop!

add to this the fact that my aunt is terminally ill and not expected to survive the next few days so I'm a little fragile - I think he could be a bit more thoughtful. Even if he checks that I'm feeling happy for him to play - on a good day I may well be. Yesterday hadn't been a good day and I'd had all 3 girls all morning, given him a lay in, taken girls to church, got lunch... he did do some housework while we were at church so he's not as bad as many on here.

Anyway, should I let him play every week? Am I being a mean wife?

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 14/11/2011 09:59

If he's only gone for the playing football then I think you are being unreasonable. For some men, this is their lifeblood. Plus exercise is good and will keep your man healthier for longer. If he's going for the after match piss-up too, then you are not being unreasonable.

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 10:06

It's only the football but it's the time they meet that's the problem. I spend an hour and a half with 2 screaming babies while trying to entertain and get dinner for my 3yo. I do it all week and it's the most stressful time of day. When the twins are older then fine but they're 10wo

OP posts:
cantspel · 14/11/2011 10:17

The football season is only for half the year. Could you work it to your advantage so that he gets his 2 nights football but in return you also get 2 nights a week to either go to the gym or just lock yourself in the bathroom with a good book?

OldernotWiser47 · 14/11/2011 10:19

I thinks you need to compromise here- I see your point about the Sundays, so maybe he could go Thursdays? I really don't think he is unreasonable to want to go out for sports one day/ evening a week.
May be worth having a word about you going out one evening, as well- looking after his children for an evening on his own may also give him some perspective.

Georgimama · 14/11/2011 10:23

Have your roast at lunchtime so he can go out. Or he goes to Thursdays instead (I'm imaging Thursday night is training and Sunday is a match though?). 45 minutes notice of going out is rude so you are not being unreasonable to be pissed off about that.

Shop online and then spend that hour a week when he had the children while you shopped doing something for yourself instead - go for a run, have your nails done, meet a friend for a drink.

LisaD1 · 14/11/2011 10:23

Sorry but I think yabu twice, once re his football, we all need an interest outside of work/family.

But you are also BU to yourself, there has to be some time for you factored in too, which I do know is difficult with children/babies but it isn't impossible, the more hands on you encourage your DH to be now-the easier it will be for all of you.

Re the 3yr olds dinner, this just needs a bit of forward planning, can't you cook a bit extra of whatever evening meal you and your DH have the night before and re-heat it for the 3yr old? Or make the night you're alone with the children a "picnic dinner" night? Great fun for 3yr old and much less stressful for you.

Sorry to hear about your Aunt.

IloveJudgeJudy · 14/11/2011 13:57

Can't he go and play 5/6 a side in the week in the evening? My DS1 is a ref and refs men's 5/6 a side, play and pay? That way it would be later in the evening and only once a week. There are loads of that kind of thing around, all around the country.

Bellatrix99 · 14/11/2011 14:15

Just be thankful your DH doesn't play golf! Football means he's gone for 2 hours tops. Golf means my DH is away half of Sunday and since he works Saturday we get little or no time together.
I agree with cantspel. Use it to your advantage. I do! DH can never say no if I need to go somewhere and do my own thing.
Plus if you don't let him go you will feel guilty, he'll be moody and you'll end up fighting with you wishing he'd just go and get out of your hair :)
I assume that when he comes home he washes up and brings you a cup of tea!

Shutupanddrive · 14/11/2011 14:29

I think yabu too, he should be allowed to play football if that's what he wants to do. You can have your roast at lunchtime instead? Do you do a roast every Sunday? We only have one every few weeks. Sometimes I'll just make a lasagne or something instead. Don't make extra work for yourself!
To be fair though, he should let you have a few hours to yourself while he has children to make up for it.

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 14:32

I think setting it up as an ad hoc thing, where DH goes once in a while depending on how things are going, is just asking for trouble and fights and hurt feelings. I think either he should have a regular thing or not play at all this season whilst you have little babies at home.

I think it's a fair compromise to say no to Sundays but okay for one evening a week.

samandi · 14/11/2011 14:38

Sounds a bit weird for him to announce at short notice that he's going if he knew you were preparing a family dinner. But he should be allowed some time for his outside interests - as should you.

MsVestibule · 14/11/2011 15:07

No Princess, YADNBU. FFS, you're looking after a toddler and 10 week old twins by yourself (presumably) most of the time. This "it's important to have me time" attitude when you have tiny babies is ridiculous. Sure, when they're a few months old and in some sort of routine, then you can work something out, but until then, it's just not necessary. TBH, I'm still pissed off with my DH for insisting on playing golf every Wednesday evening when he knew I was suffering from stress and putting a young baby and a clingy toddler to bed was an hour of hell. Whether you "put your foot down" or not is up to you, but I know that I'd do things differently with hindsight.

mayorquimby · 14/11/2011 16:33

I don't think wanting to play football once a week is unreasonable.

TheBolter · 14/11/2011 16:40

Can you not let him go on a Thursday evening? The Sunday I can understand... my dh plays every Thursday then occasionally some Sundays. Every Sunday is not on because it would be too intrusive on our weekend.

ll31 · 14/11/2011 16:43

wouldn't have thought playing football once a wk is unreasonable - tho agree with prev psoter that Sundays a bad day to choose as its weekend - couldhe just play thursdays?

mumofthreekids · 14/11/2011 16:48

You say it's the time they meet that's the problem. If that's true, and you would otherwise be happy for him to go, then I think YAB a little bit U as it's not his fault that it's at this time. Why not all eat the roast together at lunch time (he could cook it while you are at church??) and give DD sandwiches in the evening?

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 16:56

Can't have much me time when breast feeding twins and Thursday football is difficult as dh gets home late from work most nights. He lift shares so it's out of his control. for example, tonight he'll be home by 11pm he hopes, after leaving at 7.30am this morning.

I think it's reasonable to play once a week and when the twins are older then no problem. Probably after Christmas but they are so young and demanding at that time of day I really need him at that point.

Football season may be half a year but it's a kick around with the guys so is an all-year thing.

I don't want to heat up last nights meal for dd at weekends as it's what I do all week. I really want to have a family meal at least one night a week. I don't often do a roast on a Sunday so it was a treat and dh's favourite.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 16:58

oh dh gave up golf when dd was born - we couldn't afford his membership anymore but that was entirely his choice (though I'm grateful).

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 14/11/2011 17:06

Sunday roast at lunch time. Something easy in the evening when littlies are at their worst. Actually, I would be doing that every day if I were you.

Can't be easy with a three year old and 10 week old twins but if your ds is out from 7.30-11 life can't be a bundle of fun for him either.

My DH always went to football on Saturdays when they were babies - and tried to play once a week too. He worked incredibly long hours and I often felt like a single parent. It will give you a bit of bargaining power later though. Also as ds got bigger, he took him along as well from about the age of three.

I think you should let him go - not worth an argument imo. That isn't to say though that you shouldn't have a bit of sympathy - I wouldn't want to be in yoour shoes and I don't think DH would want to turn the clock back either.

Acceptableintheeighties · 14/11/2011 17:07

Ffs no yanbu.

You have 10 wk old twins and a 3 yr old. Can he not just sit out one season to help with the babies? Does he get up in the nights?

My dd was 17 months when dts were born and my dp started off like yours, not playing to occasionally playing to playing every week. It caused massive problems in our relationship and tbh I resent him for it.

There were sat afternoons when I would be sat crying on the floor with all 3 dc crying too. I managed during the week because I knew dp had to work but at the weekend when he chose to leave us and I couldn't get the help I'd been looking forward to all wk was a real kick in the teeth. It hurt and I struggled.

But if I moaned I was told what a lot of posters have said,I was being selfish, that he deserves his time to play etc. No he didn't. He wanted dc as much as I did and knew that it meant certain sacrifices on both sides. Especially more so with dts.

If it was for fitness as people have said, why can't he go for a run when dc are in bed? Why does it have to be football at Sunday tea time?

valiumredhead · 14/11/2011 17:10

I think it's reasonable to ask him to leave it till next season to start playing ( DOES footie have seasons? I have no clue!) the babies are very little still and I imagine it's hard work with both of them and a 3 year old.

nomoreheels · 14/11/2011 17:13

Would he help get the roast/Sunday lunch ready for lunchtime though, I wonder?

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 17:15

With all you have on, I don't think he should be playing on the weekends -- not because of the Sunday roast, but because you deserve to have an extra pair of hands, especially if he is not around so much during the week.

I would tell him that you're happy for him to play one evening during the week, and then leave it to him to organise. If he can't go because he's working late one night, well, so be it. Maybe he can find some other leagues that do different nights, or rearrange his lifts for one night a week.

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 17:16

dh does get up at night to help if I need him but dtds are good sleepers so far.

Yes he works long hours but that's another night with trying to get dd1 to bed while 2 babies cry. I know the majority on here think I'm BU but I'm guessing you don't have 10wo twins. But then I'm probably a horrible wife too.

It may be well and good to suggest he has 2 nights and I have 2 nights but I actually want to spend me evenings with dh as I enjoy his company and see him too little as it is.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 14/11/2011 17:18

Dh wouldn't have dreamt of doing something that took him away from the family when ds was 10 weeks, let alone if we'd had 10 week twins AND another child too!

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