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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to play football every week?

92 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 14/11/2011 09:54

I probably am being u.

Dh used to play on Thursday nights and Sunday 5-6pm. When the twins were born 10 weeks ago he said he wouldn't be playing for a long time. Things were going well and dh asked if he could play one Sunday, then told me he was playing on the Thursday too (he'd be gone 7.45pm until gone 10pm). He gave me about 45 minutes notice o this one and I put my foot down and made it clear I didn't want him to go - he didn't go but made me feel guilty. He then said he would go to the Sunday football occasionally. Yesterday he said "right, I'll go and get ready for football" even though he knew I was cooking a family roast and we don't eat together in the week due to his working hours. If it was any other time of the day I would be fine but between 5 and 6pm I am busy getting dinner for dd1 (age 3) - and if she eats after 6pm she's too tired and gets difficult, doesn't eat much etc, and the twins seem to choose 4.30pm onwards to join forces for a good old cry.

I feel that I deal with this difficult time 5 days a week and the weekend is a chance for dh to help - I wouldn't leave him alone for it.

dh seemed miffed I didn't want him to go and said "it's what I do on Sundays" - hmmm it's gone from not playing to occasionally playing to "it's what I do on Sundays"

He even said that I leave him for an hour with the kids one evening a week - he soon back tracked when I pointed out that that is so I can do our family shop!

add to this the fact that my aunt is terminally ill and not expected to survive the next few days so I'm a little fragile - I think he could be a bit more thoughtful. Even if he checks that I'm feeling happy for him to play - on a good day I may well be. Yesterday hadn't been a good day and I'd had all 3 girls all morning, given him a lay in, taken girls to church, got lunch... he did do some housework while we were at church so he's not as bad as many on here.

Anyway, should I let him play every week? Am I being a mean wife?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 14/11/2011 20:32

I dont have a problem with others expressing their view worra-I do have a problem with other women trying to make a vulnerable poster feel bad about themselves.

susiedaisy · 14/11/2011 20:38

Op YANBU

Kitchentiles · 14/11/2011 20:38

Can you agree a compromise? He can go when the twins are six months. Or he can go now but only once a fortnight. Try and come up with something that isn't all or nothing.

MULLYPEEP · 14/11/2011 20:42

YANBU. Bit shit to go socialise, when you are struggling/need a hand. He can pick up football again when the twins are a bit bigger.

daveywarbeck · 14/11/2011 20:44

who is trying to make her feel bad? no one. her husband is clearly capable of looking after the children for an hour while she goes to the supermarket, so stuff the supermarket and use that hour for herself.

I have never had a roast dinner at 5pm and would find it odd tbh. Sunday roast is 1pm in this house (and I have a 14 week old, admittedly just one not twins, and a four year old, and a husband who works long hours and does a lot of voluntary work, so I do have some idea what things are like for the OP as it happens).

FabbyChic · 14/11/2011 20:47

He works full time surely he deserves to be able to play football. You yourself could choose to do something on your own on a Saturday to get a break.

westonsorganic · 14/11/2011 20:48

Daveywarbeck...."I never have a roast dinner at 5pm and would find it odd tbh"
I have read it all on here now. You dont have some idea as it happens because you dont have twins.

OP, Of course YANBU.
You are so no BU.
A flat no to the Sunday footie until you're out of the eye of the storm. All these helpful comments about you having "me time".
I don't interpret you as asking for that. Just needing the help and involvement of your DH at a challenging time.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 20:49

davey-good for you! but you are not op-and she has clearly said that she would appreciate her dh's help and he should be there giving her it-not arsing about with a ball and his mates.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 20:50

fabby-please read the thread-op is bf so how exactly is she going to swan off for this "me time" that you all keep banging on about.

daveywarbeck · 14/11/2011 20:51

You have read it all? Oh good.

Perhaps the OP should have posted in multiples and not AIBU then if no one without twins could possibly understand her plight.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 20:52

Why are you struggling to understand davey that while you may be super woman-the op needs her dh's support. Surely he can give up his precious footie for a few months until they are on a more even keel with the dcs?

westonsorganic · 14/11/2011 20:54

Davey - I think the OP has posted in exactly the right place as she is asking if she is BU about something. I am just pointing out a fact. Having 1 baby in your arms does not come close to having two. Fact.

daveywarbeck · 14/11/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

pooka · 14/11/2011 20:56

YANBU in the slightest.

The only suggestion I would have would have been to aim for Sunday roast lunch rather than dinner if you weretrying to juggle him playing football vs family meal.

However, in your shoes I would feel the same. All very well for people to say that you should have similar time for yourself, but the fact is that you are breastfeeding the twin babies, opportunities for getting out of the bedtime routine at this stage are limited and his presence to deal with your dd would make such an enormous difference. You do it the majority of the time on your own, and his presence at weekends should be the payoff. They're only 10 weeks old. He can play football next season when you're all in a better position.

Missing a season of football is not the end of the world. He should grow up.

motherinferior · 14/11/2011 20:57

Why on earth isn't he cooking Sunday dinner?

I would have been very pissed off at your stage, footie or no footie. I am quite possibly unreasonable, of course. I often am. But I still don't understand why you're doing the cooking...

pooka · 14/11/2011 20:58

She's working full time looking after their 3yr old and 10 week old twins. Doesn't she deserve to have some help with their shared children two nights a week?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/11/2011 21:03

YANBU and it's eye opening how many people actually think the big man is entitled to his football time while the little woman stays at home with the small children.

joanofarchitrave · 14/11/2011 21:04

Jesus H. Cantabulus, YANBU, 10 week old twins???? No, I don't think he should assume he can go and play football. He should be taking the 3yo out to play football. Incredible.

I have to say, a roast dinner is about as easy as it gets, we ate a lot of those when ds was tiny, 2 mins preparation = huge meal and plenty of leftovers. As long as you're doing baked potatoes and veg, not roasties.

daveywarbeck · 14/11/2011 21:05

Yes, obviously anyone who thinks it's OK for someone to do some physical exercise for an hour wants to chain the little woman to the sink.

FFS.

joanofarchitrave · 14/11/2011 21:07

Davey dullink, the fact that he wants to go and play football for an hour at the worst time of day DOES chain her to the sink whether he wants to or not, they have 3 children under 3!

pooka · 14/11/2011 21:09

Well he could have gone for a run after his lie-in, while OP took all the children to church on Sunday morning. No one is saying that an hour's exercise is the living end - but perhaps an hour and a half football game during supper/bath/bedtime for 3 y old and 10 week old twins is not a "good idea".

joanofarchitrave · 14/11/2011 21:16

(Just another small question to you OP, do you get free childcare Sunday School at church? Does it make you feel better overall? Or do you end up boiling with resentment at the lie-in factor?

I'm just slightly concerned that you are very focused on being a church-going, roast-dinner-eating, we-do-things-together family at a very tough time. I have done this myself and put a lot of pressure on the family for questionable reasons. Only a thought).

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/11/2011 21:34

Thank you Joan, that's exactly it. His football is at the same time as the busiest time of the day when the op would appreciate some help with the babies. It's tough tits. Let him go to the gym at a different time for his exercise and he can take up his football again when things calm down.

I rather fancy going for a run at about 8am just when dd has to be wrestled out the door to pre-school. Is that reasonable?

mercibucket · 14/11/2011 23:01

Mmmm yes I also often find my need for a run coincides with some tricky part of family life like bedtime. I overcome the urge to literally run away. Aibu?

Inertia · 15/11/2011 00:35

YANBU.

I appreciate that it's beneficial for him to have time to exercise , but that time clearly doesn't work for the whole family. I think you can come to a compromise- he re-organises the football for 9am on a Sunday morning, or does some other form of exercise at that time.

He's taking the piss by giving you a few minutes notice that he's going and then disappearing while you're cooking- it's just disrespectful. With 10 week old twins and an older child it's completely reasonable to expect help, especially at the most difficult times. Things like football need to make way sometimes when you have newborn twins to care for.And surely he can cook- you must be breastfeeding for a very large part of the day?

I think that if he'd done that to me I'd have fed me and DC1, BF the twins, and then when he got back from football announced that I was going for a swim.

Can you do online shopping, so that you can use the hour out of the house to do something for you?

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