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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to Confront my DD about this Poem?

117 replies

scotchpancakes · 10/11/2011 18:45

Regular poster but created a new account for this because a couple of people know me in RL and I don't want to embarass my DDGrin!

My DD is 15 and apart from the usual teen moodiness seems to be doing fine. Tonight, I find a few poems she's written left out on the kitchen table under her things that need parental signature. I can't help but think it was left for me to find because she's very secretive about her diary etc, keeping everything hidden away. I really don't know whether it's some sort of cry for help or whether I'm reading too much into it and will just bring a hail of "I can't believe you read it! I hate yous!" onto myself.

Some of the poems are more worrying than others but the one below kinda shows most clearly what I would be worried about.

A constant pitter-patter,
A source of gloom
Deep within.

It is entrenched
But softly drowned
Away. Uneasiness quenched.

A piercing bolt
That steadily grab hold,
Brisk with its jolts.

Relief. An encompassing contentment
Rises and sweeps away
Disbelief.

Limping onwards towards
Normality within reach
And soaring above
The shuddering rawnesss.

Truth at last.
Inescapable silence takes sway.

AIBU to confront her? Would you just leave it? I genuinely dont know what to do. Help!

OP posts:
RoseC · 10/11/2011 19:18

I used to write angsty poetry and didn't self-harm. I would also - and did - bitterly resent my parents getting involved when I was having MH issues. OTOH their attitude (and I'm sorry, I can't remember exactly what happened as I have deliberately forgotten most of that period) pulled me out of it much faster that my best friend who had similar problems that her parents were unaware of.

I don't have children but I do clearly remember the feelings of being an angsty teen (I'm 24) and how angry I was with my parents. I also know that it passed and I love them dearly and speak to them every day on the phone. We're a much closer family than we were then and they really made the effort, however much I was trying to push them away. I think you may have to steel yourself for some shouting but I agree with those who said she probably left the poem there on purpose - I did similar things at her age.

PhishFoodAddiction · 10/11/2011 19:21

I think I would talk to DD about it- in a 'I just found this, did you mean for me to read it?' kind of way.

It does read to me as if it's about self-harm. Could be just from my perspective though.

In your situation, I'd rather have a chat and risk a bollocking for reading it, than leave it unacknowledged- just in case it was a cry for help/ attention.

Pekka · 10/11/2011 19:21

I would talk to her about it. Don't make it confrontational though, approach it more gently, almost as a side note. I wouldn't necessarily mention the poem, other than say you liked it. If she mentions the poem, you can then tell her how it made you worry.
I was a depressed teen and I wish someone had acknowledged my problems. Don't get upset if she says stuff like: you hate me, what do you care, etc. All teenagers feel that way!

HoneyandHaycorns · 10/11/2011 19:22

Initially, I thought it was just normal teenage angst poetry and you should leave it, but I am convinced by thisisyesterday's reasoning. Talk to her.

Hope she is ok, and that it turns out you are worrying for nothing. :)

LunarRose · 10/11/2011 19:25

Actually it could be sexual.

Still wouldn't worry about it though

TeWihara · 10/11/2011 19:26

Yeah... changing my mind a bit too.

I like the "I found these poems and thought they were really good, can you tell me about this one?" line.

I think if you say you liked them it will come off as less confrontational than asking if she wanted you to read them etc.

Original poster
scotchpancakes · 10/11/2011 19:31

LOL Rollon, too true!

It's looking like I wouldnt be unreasonable to bring them up then. The others are similarly cringeworthily depressing but I really really hope this just turns out to be some teen angst. I dont know what Ill do otherwise :(.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 10/11/2011 19:36

I think it's very good and you should acknowledge it and tell you you are impressed. Can't you take her out for a pizza or something. It may be teenage angst (they read an awful lot of stuff about this sort of stuff) it may be a sign of something deeper but you won't find out if you don't engage.

FWIW - our dd did self harm (only once or twice and we caught it and dealt with it very early). She had kept a lot of things bottled up. After it all came into the open she wrote to a very famous author explaining how she felt and how she recognised herself in a book character. Whether it was a cry for help, I don't know but she wrote it on notepaper from home and the very famous author phoned me up to talk about it. It was a very very helpful conversation.

We brought the problem out into the open and gave dd lots and lots of love and care which she needed but we thought she was bobbing along happily and nicely. You would not believe the number of other mums who have confided because we openend this up and who thought they and their children were the only ones suffering. It's a very common problem.

thisisyesterday · 10/11/2011 19:50

might be worth talking to her in the car?

i find it so much easier talking to people about stuff when i don't have to look at them and make eye contact. but maybe that's just me..

Original poster
scotchpancakes · 10/11/2011 19:54

OMG thisisyesterday, I LOVE the car idea. Thanks. Think it will make it a lot easier.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 10/11/2011 19:56

If she left it out for you to see then she wants you to see it. Could very well be something and nothing (ie teen hyperbole) but it's clearly an opening for communication IMO. And IME, actually, I did this. There was nothing really wrong (boy trouble) but I did want to talk to my mum and didn't know how to (after months of 'that boy's no good' it was incredibly hard for the 15 year old me to say 'Muuuuuum, that boy is no good).

Talk to her, but don't necessarily think it means what it says...

planetpotty · 10/11/2011 19:58

Are all the poems so secretive (as to what they are actually about) IYSWIM and without a title? Know poetry can be like that obviously.

Just a thought and not sure where I'm going with it really but it seems like it might be written to conceal the subject as its not immediatley obvious to any of us what its about.

I'm being no help here sorry Blush

OldMacEIEIO · 10/11/2011 20:00

It's obviously a vibrator poem.

Make an inventory of your batteries, then get back to us

Selks · 10/11/2011 20:18

God, leave her to it.....don't let on that you found it. It's normal teenage angst stuff, and probably deeply private to her. Maybe she genuinely left it on the table by accident and could be mortified if she knew that you had read it. As long as you have not picked up any worries from any other sources re your daughter I don't think there's anything to be worried about.

Elderberries · 10/11/2011 20:19

Yep I wrote stuff that was much more angsty and dark than that while being reasonably up beat about life. Just getting romantic and 'deep' and all that jazz. I personally think you have nothing to worry about based on that poem.

Still there is no harm in going out for lunch or something and asking her how she is and what she is doing etc. Nothing to loose.

DeWe · 10/11/2011 20:20

Because, and really only because, she seemed to want you to find it, I would treat it as a cry for help.
To me it comes across towards suicide too, not only self harm.

I don't know how best to approach it as she may deny wanting you to see it etc.

Btw. I think it's very good poetry. I'm impressed.

Purpleroses · 10/11/2011 20:27

She may well want you to find it. She probably doesn't want you to put it on Mumsnet. I'd remove this threat once you've read the advice everyone's given you. You can google things and find them on Mumsnet without having to be a member. Not very likely she'd do that, but possible.

OldMacEIEIO · 10/11/2011 20:34

Purpleroses

you are close.

What you guys need to understand, is that once you click that post key, it is stored FOREVER, somewhere

you dont own it, you cant claw it back. its FIXED . be careful what you post

Bryzoan · 10/11/2011 20:36

Another vote here for talking about it. I also think it is a very good poem - so in your shoes I would start with that. I would then ask if it is about the way she is feeling. It may not be - in which case I think it is a really good piece of exploratory poetry and I'd be looking for ways of helping her develop her skills further. Alternatively, she may need a listening ear and or / some more support. I would shy away from saying it is worrying you, and keep the conversation about her (otherwise she may brush over it / feel guilty for upsetting you).

Marriedinwhite - what a lovely story about that author. I'm glad to hear your dd is ok now. How nice of the author to go to the trouble of trying to help.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 10/11/2011 20:50

oldmaceieio dont be so bloody patronising. we are all very much aware of how internet forums work.

WoTmania · 10/11/2011 20:56

I think I would talk to her (also second thisisyesterday's car idea) you'll lose nothing but if something is up she might jusy appreciate that you cared enough to notice.

kerrymumbles · 10/11/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 10/11/2011 21:00

What Bryzoan said. It's a very good poem but for me describes self-harm. I would probably approach it from the perspective that it's an amazing poem and maybe a discussion about whether she feels she can express everything she needs to through the poetry?

You are risking that she left it there by accident and is mortified, but I think that's a slight possibility and if you show appreciation of her (genuinely good) writing that should help to get over that problem.

Second the taking her swimming idea too.

mummymccar · 10/11/2011 21:00

Sounds perfectly normal to me. I'd be more worried if she was withdrawn and not expressing it creatively. Most teenagers use poetry or songwriting as a way of expressing ideas that they are having trouble processing.
I used to write poems and song lyrics about awful things that were not happening in any way at all. My friend wrote a book of poems about self harming which was nearly published by a big publishing house and she'd never hurt herself in any way!

Your daughter has talent though, you should tell her that and nurture it.

ShirleyKnot · 10/11/2011 21:01

Ah.

Teenage angst I think. I have experience in having a child who self harmed a little bit and it was VERY secretive TBH.

Try not to worry OP but I would confront the issue with her in a very gentle way - much as Bryzoan suggests. I love the idea of saying that you found this beautiful (because it's really well written) poem and that you loved it, but that you're worried she is suffering in some way.