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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give DH a hard time about joining freemasons?

128 replies

Rachtoteach · 10/11/2011 11:16

I think the answer is probably, yes. But I am a bit ignorant about the whole thing I suppose but all I can see at the mo is it's a bid weird, it's the first time in our relationship he has acted 'secretively' towards me, it costs money to join (and we dont have any to spare). I'm feeling really fed up but know IABU as he is a wonderful hubby and father, hardly ever goes out socially etc, and he seems really keen.

Any thoughts ladies? x

OP posts:
wannaBe · 10/11/2011 16:23

friend of my parents joined some years ago. We all took the piss mercilessly before he joined, about the initiation seremonies etc and the secret codes and handshakes, and he vowed he would tell all.

Then, just before he joined his dw was visited by some representatives of the lodge who basically threatened her that she should never ask about the secrecy of the society and that he could never tell.

He never did.

And "they look after their own," where exactly does all this money come from?from the donations that are raised in the name of charity perhaps? Hmm

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:26

Then, just before he joined his dw was visited by some representatives of the lodge who basically threatened her that she should never ask about the secrecy of the society and that he could never tell

I do not believe that for one minute! Good grief! Grin

wanna perhaps the subscription money?

OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 16:32

Eh? All those who OHs were asked to join, I am surprised. I thought you could only join if you ask to. I am sure that was what FIL told DH - DH was secretly hurt that his grandfather didn't ask him (not that he wanted to) and he learned later from FIL that you have to ask to join and then a member puts your name forward for consideration,

OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 16:35

And yes YABU. It's not up to you to dictate how he spends his time. Agree the money aspect is a bit shit though.

I don't know why so many women (and men probably) think they have to know and have access to every element of their partner's lives. Weird.

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:37

No orm you have to be invited to join, not ask if you can join.

OrmIrian · 10/11/2011 16:38

Ah well.... must have got that wrong. Doesn't matter anyway as he wouldn't have.

OneHandFlapping · 10/11/2011 16:41

"In the end, who you mix with socially is your business. Not the business of your neighbourhood arsonist."

Andrew, the Freemasons is a little more than five blokes meeting up in the pub though, isn't it? Its influence goes far beyond the merely social.

I would have no problem with it if men and women were admitted on equal terms to all lodges. No surprises that one of the few men on this site supports an organisation that actively excludes women.

BarmyBiscuit · 10/11/2011 16:41

My dad was a mason and he was a catholic so that rule is false. Also, there really isn't anything secretive that goes on. They like outsiders to think that and keep it mysterious. It's a bit boring actually. Cheap drinks though...

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:42

I support it and I am a woman. That's a really shitty thing to say imo one hand

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/11/2011 16:46

My Grandad was one, he had robes and books and medally things that we found after he died.

No-one had a clue he was a mason till then.

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:48

Did you find his 'Mickey Mouse' gloves katie? Grin

OneHandFlapping · 10/11/2011 16:55

Why do you support it Valium?

Do you like being excluded? Do you feel you deserve it? Some lodges are powerful with powerful and well-connected members. Do you feel you shouldn't have equal social access to them?

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 16:59

If I wanted to be included I would join a female lodge.

happydotcom · 10/11/2011 17:01

My ex was a freemason ( say no more!) He was at the time in his mid 20s too.

He had some very strange stories to tell " honey they put me in the coffin tonight, I was honoured"

And what's with the aprons and white gloves??????????????????

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/11/2011 17:02

What are the white gloves FOR?

As a family we were quite bewildered.

grovel · 10/11/2011 17:03

Well, I don't automatically condemn all-male activities or clubs. If men want to spend some together that's fine by me.
The masons are formidable money-raisers for charity.
I laugh at their silly practices and codes but they're hardly threatening.
If they use membership unfairly to give each other a leg-up in RL I do object but I would also object to that if members of the WI did it.

Goldenbrown1981 · 10/11/2011 17:06

My DH is a mason, he will soon be Master. His Dad is also a Mason. His Grandad was a Mason. His Brother was a mason. His MAM was a mason. Yes... His MAM. yes, most lodges are all male, but there are all female lodges, mixed lodges, all jewish lodges etc.

I think your experience is largely based on how good your lodge is (as are most clubs, I've been to crappy slimming clubs and I've been to great ones). DH's lodge is great. He pays his subs each year and his meals at every event are paid out of that, which makes it decent value.

The one thing that has been really glossed over in this thread is the VAST amount the Masons do for charity. They don't shout about it like the Rotary or similar (it's a secret :P ) but they give absolutely loads. loads. For example they completely fund this www.tlcappeal.org/

How can that be a bad thing?

I love ladies nights too, Great fun and my MIL even goes to it wearing trousers!! (Personally I love the excuse to buy an expensive dress). DH is not hugely secretive about it, would not freak if I picked up his book etc. I know that Masons are not supposed to ask people to join unless they express an interest so I think some people on here have had experiences with masons who break the rules. Also, you have to promise not to let it have a negative impact on your life (for example losing your jobs) or on your family.

A lot of the threads on here really made me laugh! Or shout up the stairs "They think that...." to let him have a laugh!

Animation · 10/11/2011 17:11

My dad's a Mason and I was brought up with him moving up the ranks to Worshipful Master - and thinking it's all very odd and secretive, but my mum didn't seem to mind. She enjoyed dressing up for Ladies Evening.

They tried to normalise it to me - but even then as a kid - it didn't feel right belonging to some organisation that excluded women.

My dad invited DH to join but he genuinely wasn't interested.

My parents also buy the Daily Mail!!

lovingthecoast · 10/11/2011 17:24

My grandfather, two of his sons and all three of his sons-in-law were/are Masons. My father was the only one not to join. He thought it was a load of old twaddle. This was looked upon badly esp as my GF was one of the Grand Master thingies.

DH is a lawyer and has been asked to join on numerous occasions but as well as thinking along the same lines as my Dad, he is also a commited atheist which they're not keen on and he thinks it could compromise him work wise rather than be an asset so he stays clear.

Towndon · 10/11/2011 17:24

YANBU.

Charity stuff - fine.

All the other stuff - why? Hmm

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 17:26

I think all the 'other stuff' is just left over from waaaaaaaaaaaay back iykwim? Just traditions.

lovingthecoast · 10/11/2011 17:27

I also remember my mother commenting on how my grandmother and aunts were only allowed to wear dresses to the dos. Women were not allowed to wear trousers which even30yrs ago seemed weird to my mother.

valiumredhead · 10/11/2011 17:28

But not the case now.

Goldenbrown1981 · 10/11/2011 17:29

Towdon - Why not?

They don't sacrifice children or virgins or anything. Everything they do has a reason within the 'rules' of the group (As DH has just explained to me while talking about this thread).

FWIW I do think the OP's DH is being unreasonable doing it without consulting her. If you want to progress it does take up quite a lot of time (as does any skill you want to improve) DH goes to about 6 meetings a month but could go to more or less if he wanted to (his dad went to one a month for years).

lovingthecoast · 10/11/2011 17:30

Re the networking thing, DH says he thinks that is more for local businessmen rather than it offering anything useful to people like him.