To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

I got pg by "accident" aged 35. DH is 11 years older. We never even had a discussion about kids before then. I did find it very hard to adjust in the first few months. I was resentful almost of how much dd changed my life - though I loved her beyond question. But you get on with things, and the sheer JOY of viewing the world through a little person eyes is something that completely took me by surprise. And how proud you are of every milestone - first smile, crawl, step, word......school report, swimming diploma etc etc.

I sit at work sometimes and just can't wait til it's time to collect dd from school. I just physically want to to be with her. Mind you, when we get home and have a battle over what's for tea or homework I am very guilty of forgetting those little moments

My DH was very similar to how you describe yours. He always said he wanted them ?one day? but that day was a long way off to him and when it came to discussions of the reality of it he wasn?t at all keen ? we have a very active hobby that kept us busy every weekend and all he could see was that stopping, loss of freedom and hard work that goes with having children. We are ahem mid 30s and have been together 18 years so had got very used to just the two of us. I ended up giving him a gentle ultimatum, and we had DS 14 months ago.

No, we don?t get to do our hobby much any more. Yes, it?s hard work, even with an ?easy? baby which we have (although he was not a great sleeper till about a month ago). No, we don?t have any money these days. But it?s worth it. Every single minute of it is worth it. I cannot explain the depth of love, I really can?t. I?m an unfeeling cold hearted so and so most of the time, have terrible trouble showing my emotions and have honestly been completely knocked for six by what I feel for DS. He?s starting to talk now and properly explore the world around him and I just stare at him every day and am utterly amazed by the miracle of it all. I grew that. It?s a little bit of me and a little bit of DH and yet a whole new person at the same time. It?s incredible. I don?t normally write that sort of thing so am now feeling deeply uncomfortable (see having trouble showing emotion above!)

maypole - that brought an ickle tear to my eye....

Cosmosis you sound exactly like me. Time-consuming hobby and all. DP's never going to be ready. We're never going to TTC until I give him a gentle ultimatum, that's pretty much how we've always done things, right from the start all those years ago when he initially struggled to refer to me as his girlfriend

Its hard because I'm going to need to be REALLY ready myself to essentially make him do it. And while I'm pretty much there, our domestic set-up absolutely is not. I guess at 32 its not panic stations just yet...

Something that never really occurred to me until I had DD is that when people decide to have "children" they actually just start with one (ignoring twins etc) and there is no obligation to have further children. I think it is worth considering this as the thought of more than one might be overwhelming, but one might seem just right for now and you can postpone any decision about having more for quite a while.

Stop dithering and get on with it. I was mid-thirties when I finally got round to having children - dh 5 years younger so even less "ready". I'd never been particularly broody, always said if it didn't happen naturally I'd leave it that (certainly wouldn't have considered adopting). We now have two dcs and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't thank God we did. All your concerns about sleepless nights etc are entirely well-founded - life will never be the same again, but guess what? You won't want care - in fact you'll probably look at the empty self-centred life you used to have and feel sorry for those people who haven't made the leap - they don't know what they are missing! The saddest people I know are the ones who have left it too late - my girlfriends in their early to mid-forties who are finally "ready", but unable to conceive (even with IVF). Don't be like them.

OP, you ask "is it the lost opportunities, the lifestyle changes and hard work, or do they just not enjoy having children?".

I'm afraid to say it's all three!

And this is coming from someone who always really really wanted to have children and loves being a mum. I have 3 under 6 atm.

If you have previously enjoyed a good lifestyle (2 incomes without childcare costs, freedom to eat out, travel etc) then you are likely to miss this (unless you have access to great babysitters!). You will find it hard work at times. And I'm sorry to say there are aspects to having children that it is difficult to enjoy, however much you love them (for me it was potty training - arghh!!! For others it may be sleep deprivation, frustration with tantrums or fussy eating etc etc).

Good luck with your decision.

Perhaps mumsnet isn't the best place to ask that question, given that most readers/posters will already have children.
IMO (mother of 16yr and 18yr) children require copious amounts of two things time and money, and most of us are short of either one or the other. The pressure on the parents own relationship is immense, and I think you really do have to be incredibly sure that you can spend at least the next 18 yrs with your partner under what can be extremely difficult circumstances both emotionally and practically.

Maypole that made me a bit choked too! So true.

I dont understand women who dont want children. There I have said it-know I will probably be flamed but I dont care-its how I feel. Yes kids are hard work,emotionally and financially draining-BUT they are imo the reason I am here-they are what I was meant to do.

In your position I really wouldnt be dithering any longer-you may have already left it too late

OP, I don't think I have ever met anyone (unless there are some really talented liars out there) who regrets having children. I won't lie and say it is easy but the love you feel and the rewards you get when they are sweet is completely worth it. Also, I think far too many people see having children as something that restricts your life rather than seeing it as something which is actually deeply liberating - when I had my children it opened doors which I never knew existed, I have a whole new social life; discovered a talent for teaching young children and a desire to learn which I never had before.

Whilst I agree it is a decision not to be taken lightly at some point you need to just get on and give it a go and I would actually say just go for it and try to enjoy the ride.

From what you've said I don't think you'd regret it if you had a child (or children).

It is bloody hard work at times (I've had an afternoon of it today) but it all becomes worthwhile when your child shrieks with utter delight when you take off their t-shirt for the bath and convince them you have taken their ears off with it. And then you finally get 10 mins perched on the toilet to mumsnet amongst the splashes. It's not a bad life!

I wondered too, though I thought I would like it. I wasn't prepared for the freefall into love that took place the night my daughter was born.

fab post Imperial :)

Thanks, Vivi!

'in fact you'll probably look at the empty self-centred life you used to have and feel sorry for those people who haven't made the leap - they don't know what they are missing'

'I dont understand women who dont want children. There I have said it-know I will probably be flamed but I dont care-its how I feel. Yes kids are hard work,emotionally and financially draining-BUT they are imo the reason I am here-they are what I was meant to do'.

The comments above are so sad & ignorant! I am childfree by choice and my life is actually much LESS empty and self centred than that of friends and family who do have children- because I have TIME to visit elderly people, campaign for human rights and other causes have a lifestyle I am passionate about etc whereas they only care about their little insular family! As for those who say their children are the reason for their life fine- but childfree women like me don't understand why women want children and feel we have equally valid reasons for being here in our own right; not just to reproduce! OP if you are unsure I would say don't do it because child rearing is all consuming. Also, you need to think what are you going to offer the child, not whether a child would improve your life. Even if I wanted children I wouldn't have had them as life is too cruel so I think you should have a very good reason for bringing an innocent soul into this overcrowded world.

I have a greater understanding of people who don't have children now than before I had DD. I can see Earthdog's point entirely.

I think if you have got to your ages and you dont feel broody then you probably dont want kids. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and in a way it is a good thing when some people dont want children eg population control etc.

I dont think its selfish at all if you or dh dont want them. With myself and my husband even when we were as young as 18 and together we used to talk about baby names, having children etc. It was the most overwhelming burning desire in us and we waited until we were 23 before starting having children and we used to talk/think about when we were going to have them all the time. Even now at both nearly 28 and me pregnant with the second we know we will be broody for another and definitely want a third. Other people choose different though and it doesnt make it wrong or selfish but you only got one life dont just conform to kids cause everyone else is.

Well said Molly!

If you are not sure if you want them I would say don't go ahead. My mother has always said she doesn't think it would have bothered her if she hadn't had a child and never particularly wanted one - she has gone as far as saying if it had been legal she would have had an abortion. She never enjoyed motherhood and we have never been close - she subcontracted much to my wonderful grandparents.

I knew from when I was a small child that all every wanted really was to be a mummy.

The trouble is you may like it when the time comes, but again you might not and might regret what you had before and you can't put it back. Only you and DH can answer the question honestly and what we all think is largely irrelevant.

I was NEVER broody though. None of my friends had kids then - well teenagers maybe but not babies. My dsis at the time had 2 and one on the way. I loved spoiling my nephews. The baby thing was about them not ME! It was still the BEST thing I ever did.

All the comments that say 'if you are not sure if want kids then you shouldn't have them' bother me. Because I think actually the most frightening thing to me about motherhood is how close I came to not bothering. I wasn't sure. I dithered. But it's one massive leap of faith I'm so, so, relieved I took, because now I know what it's like, it's horrible to think how easily I might not have done it and might have missed this amazing journey. I wouldn't have known any better, and I'm sure my life would have been perfectly contented and fulfilled as a childfree woman, but for me anyway it's been a revelation.

only you and your DH can answer the question on this. And I don't beleive the final decision is for the women. Yes it is you that will carry the baby (and will most likely take the brunt of childcare, at least in the early years) but it needs to be a joint decision as you will both need to be equally responsible for the future direction of both your lives! I am a thinker and we overthought the children thing. I think for me it was a control issue and you have no control over what happens, how you feel etc. Both DH and I are project managers and we can't project manage this.

i had my DD at 36 (now 10 months). Yes it is bloody hard and after years of simply being responsible for only myself, I do find the responsbility for someone else very overwhelming at times (to the extent I do run and hide sometimes when I can!). But - the thought of no children left us feeling a bit empty and a feeling that we may miss out on something - and that was enough to have a go - we weren't willing to have to carry that feeling for the rest of lives having left it too late.

You say you have a great relationship with your neice and nephew i think. Not sure how old they are but could you and DH have a few days with them, putting them first all the time, give parents a break for a weekend and see how you feel? Just an idea.

should also have said as others that while it is bloody hard, in the light of day with a reasonable amount of sleep I would not swap it when your child looks at you and holds arms up for a cuddle and smile!