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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I being unreasonable to tell the DCs about my miscarriages? Big row with DH :(

99 replies

yvain · 07/11/2011 11:10

I've namechanged for this.

Have two DDs, 10 and 5. Had a terrible time concieving DD2 including four miscarriages. DD1 was aware at the time of at least one miscarriage (as it was fairly late and we had already told her I was expecting - we were more cautious with subsequent pregnancies Sad). She hasn't really mentioned it since.

DD2 asked where babies come from, how they get there etc. DD1 said "there's an egg", and DD2 said "and did I hatch out of the egg like a baby dinosaur?"

So we had a big conversation about it, and I was answering questions from both DDs trying to be mindful that DD2 was hearing me but wanting to pitch my answers at the right level for each DC.

DD1 said "and what about when the baby dies?", and I explained a bit about miscarriages - I said they usually happened before the baby was a baby, as DD2 was obviously disturbed by the concept! And I said that it had happened to me between DD1 and DD2 were born.

DH heard and interrupted and said I was being "massively inappropriate" and shouldn't be talking about miscarriage to either DD. He was a bit OTT about it - still in front of the girls! - and I got him to hang on until later to discuss it. Which we did, and he was really horrible to me. He said that I shouldn't burden the DCs with knowing about miscarriage and when I said that they should know at some point anyway as it's possible they could experience it too, he said my miscarriages were "no big deal" and I should "get over" them!

I got very angry/upset and we had a massive row about how I felt he didn't support me during the miscarriages and how he felt I wallowed in the misery etc etc.

What do you think, WIBU?

OP posts:
anastaisia · 07/11/2011 11:13

I think, given that you were responding to a question YANBU.

Sounds like you were handling it pretty well actually.

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/11/2011 11:13

Err no - you used appropriate language and didn't tell lies and answered their questions ...

How exactly does your DH want you to answer their questions?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/11/2011 11:14

I can understand his concerns but I think you were right. They do have to know that it doesn't always work out and it's better that they hear it at a time when you're not going through it rather than you having to explain to DD2 when you're in the thick of it yourself. I know that's what happened with DD1 so maybe I'm wrong. From an 'outsider's' pont of view that makes more sense.

DD was only 3 when I mc so I don't really know whether she knew or not, we certainly never mentioned it around her but I'm sure I will at some point in the future.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/11/2011 11:15

Yes. Sorry, OP. That's not child-friendly information and your 10 year old is certainly old enough to ask questions and possibly get upset/the wrong end of the stick. Also, if they're listening in to rows, they might draw incorrect conclusions, your eldest daughter anyway.

I think you and your husband will have to come up with a united front and sit your eldest daughter down and explain again - better and properly and vow to never let them hear adult stuff between you again.

I'm sorry for your miscarriage, OP. Please make this right with your DDs. :(

worraliberty · 07/11/2011 11:16

Well DD1 already knew so therefore you had to put DD2 right about it otherwise I'm sure her sister would have somehow misinformed her...it's better to hear it properly and first hand.

I suspect that's not what this is about though...and it's much more about your DH's shit attitude about them.

How dare he say they were no big deal and you should get over them just like that Sad

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 07/11/2011 11:16

They asked the question. Sounds like you gave them a good answer. To ignore the question or lie would have been doing them a disservice.

vixsatis · 07/11/2011 11:17

You were right to deal with it as you did.

DS, now 10, was 4 when I had an ectopic. I fobbed him off for years but he recently said: "Mummy, I know that you are not telling me the truth about when you were in hospital" so I told him. He said "that must have been very sad for you Mummy" and gave me a hug. Children understand so much more than we think they are capable of

slavetofilofax · 07/11/2011 11:19

I think we should tell children the truth about things in age apropriate ways, so I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

Your DH is being an insensitive twat though, as well as being massively misguided about what children can and can't deal with learning.

sospanfach · 07/11/2011 11:19

all I know is that my Mum had a miscarriage when I was 8. I was kept completely in the dark by everyone and felt like something was terribly wrong. I would have preferred the truth. I've since found out that my Mum wanted to tell me but my Dad and her parents persuaded her that it was not 'age appropriate'. Apparently news of her pregnancy was, though Confused

FreckledLeopard · 07/11/2011 11:21

Jesus - why on earth shouldn't the OP tell her DC about her miscarriages? She answered their questions truthfully and appropriately.

'Not child-friendly information' - I don't believe in sugar-coating the truth or pretending bad things don't happen to people. I'm pretty sure a 10 year old and a 5 year old can quite easily understand and sympathise with the concept of miscarriage.

pushmepullyou · 07/11/2011 11:22

My mum had several miscarriages between me and my sister including a very late one at 23 weeks. I have known about them, and in particular the late on for as long as I can remember, the baby girl who died was definitely part of my family growing up (I was 2 at the time and remember it reasonably clearly)).

The knowledge and acceptance of miscarriage as a sad but normal part of life that I grew up with was something I found immensley helpful when I had mcs myself.

ChaoticAngel · 07/11/2011 11:23

YANBU I think you dealt with it in the right way.

Your H, however, is an insensitive twat Angry

AMumInScotland · 07/11/2011 11:23

YANBU - your older daughter already knows about it and asked a direct question. Yes it would be nicer if she hadn't had to know about such things, but shit happens and she knew you'd lost a baby. You couldn't really lie about it, or make it out to be something that must never be talked about, without messing her about.

You could try to have a more detailed conversation with her separately from DD2 to explain a little more, but it cam up when they were both there so your reaction was as good as it gets in the circumstances.

It sounds like your DH has some issues about the whole business - he's saying its no big deal, but he's making it a big deal by saying you should avoid talking about it to your dds. At some point when you're less pissed off at him, you maybe need to try to talk it through a bit - men can build big walls round bad feelings, rather than face up to them, and he may have some stuff he'd be better off facing.

HauntyMython · 07/11/2011 11:23

he said my miscarriages were "no big deal" and I should "get over" them!

Your DH said that? I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 07/11/2011 11:24

YANBU. I think it's brilliant that you told them. DD1 knew something had happened but may well have had mistaken ideas about it and passed them on to DD2.
Your DH was being VU in picking a fight over it in front of them and being so unsupportive of you.
He can't have it both ways?if miscarriages are "no big deal" Shock then why fly off the handle because you were telling your DDs about them?
And if they are a big deal, then all the more reason to tell the DDS, and to have more sympathy and understanding of your reaction to your miscarriages.

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/11/2011 11:27

My mum sadly lost three babies after she had me. I am an only child.

For what it's worth, I was aware of the second two mc's. I was probably about 4 or 5. I knew mum was pregnant and was told that the baby had died.

I don't remember being remotely "disturbed". Sad, yes, because I wanted a little sister. And I probably asked mum quite a lot of questions over the years that she might have preferred not to answer. So I guess you might need to be ready for your children to bring the subject up when their understanding increases.

In the longer term, I am very glad that I already knew about Mum's history when I became pregnant myself. She would undoubtedly have found it hard to bring the subject up, but there were things that we talked about that would have been impossible to bring up, had I not already known what she'd been through. (Two of her mc's were at an advanced stage of pregnancy).

So no, I don't think you were inappropriate. Far better to answer questions as they go along, than to get to a point where it is very hard to bring the subject up and your children are unaware of a big thing that happened to you.

But go easy on your husband, because possibly his reaction may indicate that he also still has some issues to deal with, even if he doesn't really realise it?

juuule · 07/11/2011 11:27

Yanbu but your dh ibu.
Is he very dismissive of the m/c or do you think they upset him a lot at the time and his way of dealing with that is to put them out of his mind. You discussing them with your dds might be forcing him to face his upset again and he might be worried that the same upset he feels will be felt by his dds. So in a way he is protecting them from hurt (and himself, too).

I agree with you that there is more to be gained than lost by explaining the situation to your dds. As you say, they might face a similar situation themselves one day (hopefully not) and it's good to have the information beforehand.

Original poster
yvain · 07/11/2011 11:28

Yes that's exactly it - if it's not a big deal then steaming in there MAKING it a big deal doesn't make sense.

I really hated him, pure hate, when he said those things about my miscarriages. It was the darkest period of my life and he seems resentful about how I behaved at the time and is holding it against me!

OP posts:
mummytime · 07/11/2011 11:30

I knew from quite a young age that: my aunt had had at least one still born baby, and at least one SID, and both my aunt and Grandma had had miscarriages. Its a normal part of life.
Does your DH have problems discussing death? I think you need to have a serious conversation about this, out of your DDs hearing. Maybe you might need some counselling to discuss this issue. Bottling things up and not talking about them is not good for mental health. Is he good at expressing his emotions?

Original poster
yvain · 07/11/2011 11:30

I am reassured by the posts from people who think I handled it okay though. I don't want the DCs to grow up with wrong info and I do think miscarriages should be mentioned as a part of general sex/reproductive information (though I wouldn't've mentioned them to DD2 off my own bat if you see what I mean).

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/11/2011 11:35

yvain... thinking about it, you were forced into the disclosure because of the row. Your husband is very unkind. Even if he doesn't feel the loss keenly, he ought to have regard for the way you might feel. I too think you did the best you could in handling it.

Your husband though... needs to learn not to give way like that, he can't just bellow stuff out without thought for anybody. I agree with the poster who said that she doesn't know how she'd' forgive the comments, I don't know that I could either.

danceswithfools · 07/11/2011 11:40

Hi sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had three mcs between my two children and DD (6) knows about them because she asked. I think children will ask if they want to know and then it is our job to answer them honestly and sensitively and it sounds as if you did that. No-one would want to have to talk about miscarriages, but the sad fact is they happen and making them into something which can't be talked about just makes it more worrying for children. I think that the miscarriage association have a leaflet about talking to children, not sure how your DH would react but you could show him it maybe?
I am not excusing your DH as what he said is horrible, but I do know from my own experience that men deal with mc in a very different way from women a lot of the time. It took me a long time to come to terms with this in my own relationship, not sure what i am trying to say here, just that I really feel for you but it is probably more a case of your DH being unable to understand mc than anything.
Anyway I am waffling now, hope you are OK.

JujyFruits · 07/11/2011 11:41

I knew my mum had a miscarriage before she conceived me from a early age (maybe 8 or 9). I think you did fine, and your DH is being unreasonable.

NotnOtter · 07/11/2011 11:47

All my children know about life love pain and yes my miscarriages - whyever not.?

They were not distressed but accepting and interested

I think your dh is the one making an issue about life

MrsUnassumingTroll · 07/11/2011 11:48

I think you did the right thing.

I don't think people talk enough about miscarriages, they are a real taboo, which means that when someone has one, they have no idea what to do and think they are the only person ever to have had one, don't know where to turn.

Fortunately I am talking from friend's experiences not from my own, and for that I count myself very lucky.

I recently had to talk to my 3yo DD because I had told her a friend of mine is having a baby, but they had bad news at their 20-week scan. DD was asking me why I was upset. I just told her that the baby is very poorly.

You poor thing, OP. A conversation like that takes courage.