was I being unreasonable to tell the DCs about my miscarriages? Big row with DH :(

[yvain]

I've namechanged for this.

Have two DDs, 10 and 5. Had a terrible time concieving DD2 including four miscarriages. DD1 was aware at the time of at least one miscarriage (as it was fairly late and we had already told her I was expecting - we were more cautious with subsequent pregnancies ). She hasn't really mentioned it since.

DD2 asked where babies come from, how they get there etc. DD1 said "there's an egg", and DD2 said "and did I hatch out of the egg like a baby dinosaur?"

So we had a big conversation about it, and I was answering questions from both DDs trying to be mindful that DD2 was hearing me but wanting to pitch my answers at the right level for each DC.

DD1 said "and what about when the baby dies?", and I explained a bit about miscarriages - I said they usually happened before the baby was a baby, as DD2 was obviously disturbed by the concept! And I said that it had happened to me between DD1 and DD2 were born.

DH heard and interrupted and said I was being "massively inappropriate" and shouldn't be talking about miscarriage to either DD. He was a bit OTT about it - still in front of the girls! - and I got him to hang on until later to discuss it. Which we did, and he was really horrible to me. He said that I shouldn't burden the DCs with knowing about miscarriage and when I said that they should know at some point anyway as it's possible they could experience it too, he said my miscarriages were "no big deal" and I should "get over" them!

I got very angry/upset and we had a massive row about how I felt he didn't support me during the miscarriages and how he felt I wallowed in the misery etc etc.

What do you think, WIBU?

YANBU I had two miscarriages between DS1 and DS2 and explained this to them from when they were very young as I thought that they might wonder why they are 4 years apart. These days a lot of people seem to announce their pregnancies very early, without waiting until they are etablished. I think young children need to understand why a relation or friend of the family may be expecting a baby one day and then not the next, otherwise they will be confused. One of my very first memories is of my mother having a premature baby at home, he was taken to hospital where he died. I was only 2.5 at the time but new something was very wrong, my mother did explain to me when I was a bit older what had happened, so that I wouldn't be so worried when she was pregnant again.

I wouldn't let him off thinking it was a just a man thing either, it is outrageously insensitive of him to talk like this! Miscarriage is a fact of life, that is the discussion you were having with your daughters, at their instigation. 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage yet how many women don't realise until they are in that situation themselves? There is far too much secrecy and taboo about this that prevents people from being able to discuss their experiences. If your miscarriages had been later or if you had a baby that was stillborn, your children would know anyway.

My mother miscarried when I was 14 months old. Obviously I don't have any memory of it, but I've known about it since I was quite young - perhaps eight or so. I'm not sure how the subject came up; probably among the general conversation about babies and sex. I'm glad I know what happened and I certainly wasn't traumatised by the knowledge: curious, certainly, and sad for my mother, but I think that's a healthy response.

YANBU. I think you handled it very well. Do you think your DH feels guilty, has some residual unresolved issues and is transferring that guilt onto you?

I think you were right to tell them.
I work with a group of seven very experienced counsellors and they were all surprised when I told them that I'd kept my recent miscarriage (in Jan) secret from my daughters, despite only discovering the miscarriage at the 12 week scan. They were all unanimously of the belief that children need to be told the truth. I've told my daughters (aged 11 and 8) since about my miscarriage and they took it in their stride and seemed to understand and accept what had happened. Children can be very sensible and matter of fact about these matters. I wish I'd told them what was happening at the time, because they knew that something was very wrong and couldn't understand why I was so upset and it was v.v hard withholding such information.
Happy ending for us- by some unexpected miracle I got pregnant almost immediately after the miscarriage and am now 36 weeks pregnant!

I think you handled it very well. Your daughters are lucky to have a parent who is sensitive and honest with them.

My initial reaction was that it's your husband who's still struggling to deal with the miscarriages. But having read what he said when he was skiing I've changed my mind. He's a wanker.

Fabbychick - why wouldn't you if they had asked?

Nothing 'sick' about it at all.

Fabby Are you seriously classing a late miscarriage in the horrendous terms of "lost seed"?

You are truly despicable.

ilove - late or early, it's not a particularly nice way of describing a m/c.

I couldn't care less if it was 4 weeks! Fabby that is disgusting. Lost seed! FFS it's not ejaculate! Perhaps your children will experience m/c themselves, or their partners will. It might normalise it for them to know how common this is. But give yourself a pat on the back there Fabby

'and what about when the baby dies?'

Perhaps you could talk to your dh about your dd saying this, and ask him (genuinely, not snarkily) how he would have answered it in an age-appropriate way. When he comes up with his view on an appropriate answer, you'll have something specific to talk about. He does sound as if he is acting like a complete idiot, but the strength of his reaction does sound like there is something else behind it.

Ignore the troll folks! If you don't feed 'em, they wither and die!

YANBU.

I think your DH sounds like he has a death phobia though - which'd likely stem back to how he was brought up. Have they ever been to a funeral or similar? Has he had a bad bereavement in his past?

Fabby it's your comment that's sick and cruel.

OP, you were answering a direct question and I think you handled it well. It's not as if you randomly dropped it into conversation.

Fabby!

So fabby, you have never discussed MCs with your boys? Let's hope they have found out from some other source then otherwise they are going to be no support whatsoever with their partners/wives, if, heaven forbid, they go through the same thing as the OP has!

OP - I still think you did the right thing. I remember ds asking me what losing a baby meant - I think he was about the same age as your youngest x

I am so glad that has been deleted!

Oh no, what did FabbyChic say?

I hope it didn't upset any of the people who have posted about their experiences. I am used to FC :/

So am I and I think she gets a bit of a rough time on MN but in this case she was bang out of order and very insensitive.

I have had five pgs (possibly more if you count the pre 6 week miscarriages). 17 weeks (DS1), DS, DS2 (12 weeks) DS3 (born and died at 27 weeks), DD. That was a formative part of our lives and I have always been entirely open with the DC; it is part of our family history.

Secrets do not make children feel secure, honesty does that. I remember so vividly being pregnant with dd and ds saying "will you come home sad again mummy". He was two and a half when DS3 was born, and three and a half when DD was born.

In recent years I have put a picture with the other two children of DS3 and and so many people say, I didn't realise one of the dc was prem. And their shock when I say "no that isn't DS or DD, that was our son who died".

You did the right thing OP. Miscarriage is very common and far too hidden and that makes it so much more difficult for women to get over it.

fabby-I didnt see your comment but I can get the gist of it from the horrified responses.

The babies I lost were not "lost seed"-they were babies. Baby boys in fact and they were all perfectly formed from the one lost at 20 weeks to the one lost at 28 weeks.

I imagine they looked very much like your own newborn boys did only very, very tiny.

I hope you have time to reflect on your thoughtless comment-please do not be so dismissive of someone else's sad losses.

One day Fabby will come back and apologise for her out-of-order comments

When hell freezes over, that is

It sounds like you handled it really well OP.

How are you going to broach the DH situation? I am very sad he has that attitude about your miscarriages :(

I think you handled it well. My mother miscarried quite regularly (about one miscarriage - all relatively early I think - between each successful pregnancy). I'm one of five so obviously this happened quite a lot. She was always really matter-of-fact about this with us and often mentions it quite straightforwardly. I have once experienced what was possibly/probably a really early miscarriage - obviously nothing like as upsetting as a later one but I think her straightforwardness when we were growing up really helped me. I felt shaken by the physical experience but really quite calm about it and felt confident that it was for the best and that my body was doing what was needed, for whatever reason. I am grateful that she had talked about it so naturally with us when we were children/teenagers.

Well don't Fabbychic for making the OP's husband's despicable comments seems quite sane in comparison to your's