was I being unreasonable to tell the DCs about my miscarriages? Big row with DH :(

[yvain]

I've namechanged for this.

Have two DDs, 10 and 5. Had a terrible time concieving DD2 including four miscarriages. DD1 was aware at the time of at least one miscarriage (as it was fairly late and we had already told her I was expecting - we were more cautious with subsequent pregnancies ). She hasn't really mentioned it since.

DD2 asked where babies come from, how they get there etc. DD1 said "there's an egg", and DD2 said "and did I hatch out of the egg like a baby dinosaur?"

So we had a big conversation about it, and I was answering questions from both DDs trying to be mindful that DD2 was hearing me but wanting to pitch my answers at the right level for each DC.

DD1 said "and what about when the baby dies?", and I explained a bit about miscarriages - I said they usually happened before the baby was a baby, as DD2 was obviously disturbed by the concept! And I said that it had happened to me between DD1 and DD2 were born.

DH heard and interrupted and said I was being "massively inappropriate" and shouldn't be talking about miscarriage to either DD. He was a bit OTT about it - still in front of the girls! - and I got him to hang on until later to discuss it. Which we did, and he was really horrible to me. He said that I shouldn't burden the DCs with knowing about miscarriage and when I said that they should know at some point anyway as it's possible they could experience it too, he said my miscarriages were "no big deal" and I should "get over" them!

I got very angry/upset and we had a massive row about how I felt he didn't support me during the miscarriages and how he felt I wallowed in the misery etc etc.

What do you think, WIBU?

done not don't

YANBU

I don't know what I am going to do about DH.

pink4ever I am so sorry for your losses. And that goes too to everyone who has experienced a m/c or the horror of an ante- or neo-natal loss.

I'm very pleased so many people think I was not being U to mention it as I did.

I think both you and dh have valid points of view. You can argue the thing either way. However, your dh put himself in the wrong when he had a go at you in front of the kids and, by the sounds of it, caused a row. If he disagreed with you and wanted to halt the discussion, he could have said so reasonably and politely. And to say it's 'no big deal' is just cruel. It sounds as if he was embarrassed to have caused a scene and desperately trying to justify himself. Attack being the best form of defence and all that. Or maybe he really is an ignorant pig - only you know which is true.

I think you acted perfectly appropriately tbh. I think the issues here are your DH issues.

You have DDs, it's vital that they understand how fertility works, that MC is while tragic, a situation that does happen, and that it's important to talk about and understand. No good can ever come of shutting it away.

I've had 3 myself, all around 10 weeks. The way MC affects each of us is totally different. I've already told my DS about them. He asked if he could have a baby brother or sister. I told him that it would be highly unlikely now, for a number of reasons, and also that I'd tried, but that it didn't happen.

yvain, if you need to talk to someone about your experiences, go for it, get counselling. This happened to you. If your DH wants to live in denial, that it his prerogative.

To all those that have suffered deaths of babies/children my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I am so truly sorry for your losses and your pain.

I'm not sure I would have answered the questions the way you did, but that is not me saying you're wrong. If it worked for you and your kids then it wasn't unreasonable at all. Your husband however was completely out of order. Not for thinking it was inapropriate, as that's a personal thing, but definitely for how he handled communicating it to you.

He said that I shouldn't burden the DCs with knowing about miscarriage

he said my miscarriages were "no big deal"

His contradicted himself there. On one hand the miscarriages are a 'burden' on the childrens minds and on the other they're 'no big deal'

Totally illogical, if they are no big deal then what is his problem with you talking about them. I'll tell you what, HE doesn't want to hear about it because HE feels guilty for being unsupportive to you during those miscarriages.

So HE wants it swept under the carpet and he want's you to enable his denial.

The children thing is just an excuse. Children need to know about these things. I disagree with childhood being an unreal 'Pollyanna' experience. Kids who are sheltered from the reality of life and death are ill prepared for the real world.

I think he is being very disingenuous and I would call him on it and let him see you can see right through him.

You answered your DD's questions in a manner that was appropriate at the time and for them. My 9y DD knows a little of mc simply as it has come up in her questions and so I answered appropriately.

Your Dh's comments are completely unforgiveable.

I'll jump in!

Thre are 12 years between my brother and I. I cant remember a time when I didnt know there was 'lost baby' that would have been 5years older then myself. I like to think it would have been a sister.

This is going to upset some people. And Im sorry, but it happens, so I've left a lot of spaces so those with sensitivites can refresh and bypass this post. .

My mother never had regular periods, so back in the 60's she never knew if she was pregnant or not. She was roughly 4 maybe 5 months gone when she miscarried (not actually knowing she was pregnant) basically the whole lot came away in the toilet bowl. She had to fish it out and put it in a plastic bag and take it to the GP who said "ah, yes, miscarriage, go home and rest".

I dont ever know a time when I didnt know the whole story of that lost "sister".

I'm so sorry for your losses. Your DH is behaving like a twunt and needs to be talked to. He needs to understand that the pain never goes away and you never get over it completely.

In terms of telling your children, I told my daughter about my mcs when she was very young (pres-school) as she had to come to hospital with me. She didn't know what it was about at the time, but asked questions later (when she was around 5 or 6) that were answered directly and honestly.

Why would l not tell my child something that involves here so profoundly? She is an only child and that's because of my recurrent miscarriages. She knows that I had trouble having babies and that she was much wanted. She has asked whether she would be here if I had had the other babies and I've told her that she might not be and that's why, even though I was horribly sad at the time, I can look back and be happy that she was the child I got to bring into this world and love and I wouldn't change a damned thing.

Anyone who tells a woman that she is BU to tell her children about miscarriage clearly doesn't get it. MCs hugely affect you as a person and that knowledge is yours to share or keep to yourself as you see fit.

You sound like a smart woman to me and you know deep down that you made the right choice in telling your kids.

When I was about 7 my mum told me that one of her friends was pregnant. A few weeks later My mum told me that her friend had made a mistake and she wasn't pregnant after all. When I had my miscarriage before DS1 I couldn't bear the idea of anyone saying that I'd made a mistake about being pregnant. So when DS1 asked, I told him the truth, very simply and he just accepted it.

Your DH has caused the problem by saying in front of them that it's not appropriate for them to know. They were probably happily learning and taking it in like children do and then his interference will make them think it is something taboo. FWIW, if i hadn't been asked the question directly I wouldn't have told the younger DD, but as they were asking together I think what you did was definitely ok. My mum had a miscarriage and a baby that died after a few hours before me (I am youngest of three). She told me about it some time around 10 I think and I didn't think about it much until I was pregnant with DS and asked her to tell me about it again. I thought I was miscarrying and wanted to talk about her experience. As it apoens I wasn't but it has made me appreciate DS even more knowing how fragile life can be.

I find that blokes tend to hate discussing things medical or gynaecological. DH certainly does - he stopped me mid flow when telling him about a friend's birth which had gone very badly, saying he didn't want to know. It wouldn't surprise me if your DH has the same squeamishness. I dont think women have it, as they know they mint have to face it first hand so would rather know.

Well I told DH how hurt I was that he belittled what we went through like that. I told him it was very real to me and would always be a 'big deal' and I felt our DDs needed to be informed about m/cs etc and that what happened was part of our story as a family.

He sort of apologised but it was one of those bollocks "I'm sorry you feel that way" apologies. He has now gone out to get me some chocolate from the corner shop now though which is pretty much how he shows he's sorry if you see what I mean.

Not sure what to do, if anything, now. I made it clear I am going to continue to answer questions the DCs ask me honestly and openly and in a way I feel is appropriate.

I am glad that DMs many miscarriages were not a secret - because of that it led to an early diagnosis of a blood condition and me only having one MC (15 weeks).

It meant that once I had the diagnosis, as soon as I got pregnant with DS I was on the low dose aspirin and monitored throughout that pregnancy.

It would be a great disservice to your DD's to have NOT given them this valuable information.

Yanbu they asked questions, you answered them honestly, We had to tell ds2 8 recently that his baby brother had died, I was 20 weeks, he knew that he was having another brother who was due on his birthday.

You can't always Shield them from upsetting things, it sounds like you answered their questions well

Your dh on the other hand , I realy don't know what to say about him.

yvain, you need to stick to your guns on this actually. the girls need to know, you need to process it all and HE needs to get over himself.

I'm not happy about the 'blokes don't do medical' apologist sentiment. Bully for them. That sounds like a cop out to me.

Agree with everyone who has said YANBU,and sadly miscarriage does happen,isn't uncommon,and children should be told the truth (in a way appropriate to their age).
I have discussed the miscarriages I had prior to having DD with her,and with DS,who is 11.He had been doing sex education at school,and this had apparently involved his teacher hearing the reproductive histories of many of his classmates' parents! So we discussed our family.
My Mum also had various problems ,though not miscarriage,before DSis and I were born,I don't remember ever not knowing about this,and as an adult it is something I needed to know when I was having my own children.
I hope you sort things out with your DH - I would be interested in knowing how he thinks you should have handled it?

I always knew from a very young age that my DParents had had many many miscarriages both pre brother and between DBro and me. It was always just there.
so no, YANBU

My dc asked about babies dying the other week, so I took a deep breath and told them about my mc.

They listened and said 'oh, that's sad' and then went back to playing (they are 8 and 6).

yvain, I am so sorry for your losses and for the way your DH reacted when you needed him most :(

Please be completely assured that the way you explained your lost babies to your DDs was not only appropriate, but beautiful, and sensitive. Not only will it mean that your DDs know about facts of life, but equally important, they will know their mum trusts them and considers them part of the family, for the good and for the bad. From now on, every time you remember your babies, you can be comforted by your DDs without the need to hide it from them, or lie to them. You can talk about their lost siblings, because they were there, they existed. They will always be part of your family.

Please accept a big HUG, and let your DDs give you some too!

You did exactly the right thing. I really don't understand people who think children need to be 'protected' from the truth of reproduction - the good & the bad. All you need to do is make sure the information is age appropriate and that you answer what they have asked.

As for your DH - has he said "it's dead already so I don't see the point" to me he'd have found his arse out on the street and DD2 wouldn't have been conceived. I'm actually quite pragmatic and probably would have said 'It's OK, you stay there, I'm fine' but that's entirely different.

As for his behaviour when you were telling the girls I would have had serious words with him - he is the one who has now turned this into a big deal for them.

I'd be telling him that he either goes to counselling to understand that, for you at least, the miscarriages were & are a big deal and you don't just get over them as if they're the local shop having run out of milk.

I just couldn't be with a bloke who was so dismissive.

Yanbu. You were responding to a question by given the minimum factual info an you handled it well. So sorry for your losses.

I have a 5 and 10 year old and in your shoes I would have done the same. I think that subjects like love, death and sex are conversations that you have more than once with your kids and if they are old enough to ask then they are usually old enough to hear the answer.

I don't see the point in lying.