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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I being unreasonable to tell the DCs about my miscarriages? Big row with DH :(

99 replies

yvain · 07/11/2011 11:10

I've namechanged for this.

Have two DDs, 10 and 5. Had a terrible time concieving DD2 including four miscarriages. DD1 was aware at the time of at least one miscarriage (as it was fairly late and we had already told her I was expecting - we were more cautious with subsequent pregnancies Sad). She hasn't really mentioned it since.

DD2 asked where babies come from, how they get there etc. DD1 said "there's an egg", and DD2 said "and did I hatch out of the egg like a baby dinosaur?"

So we had a big conversation about it, and I was answering questions from both DDs trying to be mindful that DD2 was hearing me but wanting to pitch my answers at the right level for each DC.

DD1 said "and what about when the baby dies?", and I explained a bit about miscarriages - I said they usually happened before the baby was a baby, as DD2 was obviously disturbed by the concept! And I said that it had happened to me between DD1 and DD2 were born.

DH heard and interrupted and said I was being "massively inappropriate" and shouldn't be talking about miscarriage to either DD. He was a bit OTT about it - still in front of the girls! - and I got him to hang on until later to discuss it. Which we did, and he was really horrible to me. He said that I shouldn't burden the DCs with knowing about miscarriage and when I said that they should know at some point anyway as it's possible they could experience it too, he said my miscarriages were "no big deal" and I should "get over" them!

I got very angry/upset and we had a massive row about how I felt he didn't support me during the miscarriages and how he felt I wallowed in the misery etc etc.

What do you think, WIBU?

OP posts:
Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 07/11/2011 11:49

Yanbu. Your husband is a twat! 'not that big a deal'??? How dare he??
And as for your Dcs, I think that children should now as much as possible, in an appropriate manner. We are born, we live, we get married, we have babies, we eventually die. They are the facts of life!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 07/11/2011 11:50

Well, maybe not get married, but you know what I mean! Confused

SarahStratton · 07/11/2011 11:55

No, you did the right thing. DSis and I have known about our Mum's miscarriages for as long as we can remember. She had loads, and we both appreciate how hard she fought to have us.

Death is a fact of life and much easier to deal with if everyone is open and relaxed about it.

Ephiny · 07/11/2011 12:01

It sounds like you did the right thing, you were responding to a direct question, and you explained in a careful age-appropriate way...what's wrong with that? It's not as though you gave a graphic description of the experience.

I'd be more concerned about your DHs comments that your miscarriages were 'no big deal' etc Shock - does he really think that, especially about the one that was quite late in the pregnancy? I think that's pretty much an unforgivable thing to say to anyone, especially your own wife.

He can't have it both ways anyway. If miscarriage really is 'no big deal' Hmm then what's the problem with telling the children?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/11/2011 12:04

Jesus, I missed the bit about them being no big deal. Shock Wanker

kandinskysgirl · 07/11/2011 12:04

I think you were completely right to tell them. It is a big deal for lots of women and something they might experience themselves so knowing that you are able to talk about this may well help them enormously in the future.

Your husbands problem seems to be that he thinks you were unburdening yourself to them rather than having an informative conversation which I would agree would be inappropriate however I don't believe you were doing that at all.

Original poster
yvain · 07/11/2011 12:06

I am really struggling with what DH said, actually. Am in a bit of a pit of misery today as a result - not because of the row, really, but because of what he said and it all feels so 'present' for me again, especially remembering how he acted at the time.

He wasn't horrible about it or especially dismissive back then when it was all happening, not really, in fact he was pretty good (especially now I know what some other people have been through by talking to friends and on here etc). But he was on a skiing trip when I found out about a missed miscarriage and was being booked in for an ERPC and when I called him in tears saying what had happened he said "do you want me to come home?", and when I dithered he said "it's dead already so I don't see the point".

I have NEVER gotten over that and I yelled at him about it last night Sad

OP posts:
LondonMumsie · 07/11/2011 12:07

My kids know about mine. I know about my mum's. Think it is a part of life and not to be hidden, though I wouldn't go out of my way to bring it up but in the conversational ebb and flow it is not a taboo to me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/11/2011 12:11

He didn't really need to ask the question, did he, yvain, never mind make such a thoughtless, heartless comment to justify him staying on his trip. :(

Countingwiththecount · 07/11/2011 12:22

It sounds like he was more hurt by your miscarriages than he's letting on.
In my opinion he's burdening your DDs more by undermining you and getting angry in front of them than he would be by allowing you to tell them the truth.

Life is full of joy and sadness and from my perspective children are better off hearing about it from someone who loves them and has their best interests at heart rather than receiving inaccurate info from other kids.

Did you ever go to any counselling together, OP?

Original poster
yvain · 07/11/2011 12:27

We didn't have counselling but I think it would've been a good idea if we had. I have suggested it since but DH is very against it for something which is 'in the past' and doesn't agree that it's not entirely in the past, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 07/11/2011 12:53

Wow OP I don't think I could have forgiven my husband if he behaved like that, however, that is me. I think you did the correct thing with regards to DCs. I am a big believer in answering their questions. Age appropriate of course. If they have the mindset to ask then they can handle the answer IMO.

pink4ever · 07/11/2011 13:03

YANBU-and I wish I were as brave as you. I have 3 dcs but have lost 6 babies-3 were at a late stage of pregnancy and we have had the babies buried.

I have never told my dc about the babies as am unsure how to bring it up. Also I know my dh would react similarly to yours-in his family these things are not talked about though to be fair my mil does occasionally mention our first born-lived for 10 hours-but never talks about the two that were stillbornHmm

I am hoping that the opportunity to discuss it with the children will come up when they are a bit older-am obviously worried in case my dd suffers from the same problems I do.

Tis partly my own fault that we dont talk about it as I went through a deep depression and pushed my dh away-I didnt realise how much he was suffering too. Like you I felt that dh expected me to "be over it". Although we never talk about our babies I know he must think about them too.....

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 13:35

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages and sorry about the row with your husband. I def think YANBU, I think it is important to talk to your children. Your elder child knew anyway, so it is healthier for it to be talked about sometimes.

I don't think I could let what your husband said go, but without defending him I suspect the miscarriages hurt him too, just he dealt with it differently (or rather didn't deal with it).

valiumredhead · 07/11/2011 13:39

YANBU, you sound like you handled it appropriately.

MrsUnassumingTroll · 07/11/2011 13:50

Oh pink4ever Sad

4madboys · 07/11/2011 14:00

yanbu at all, your not so dh is!

my elder boys know that ihave had two early miscarriages, and when i was preg with ds2 a close friend was also preg with her second, we both had 2almost 3yr olds at the time, her dh came round to tell us she had lost the baby, a late miscarriage :( my ds1 was there and overheard, quite understandably he had lots of questoins and even years later he mentioned it, we have explained to the boys that sometimes babies can die beofre they are born and they understand this and that it is very sad. i think you did the right thing, imo/ime its better that they are given a simple age appropriate explanation.

Dipdap · 07/11/2011 14:02

YANBU. I'm one of 3, yet my mum told us as we were growing up that she had 2 miscarriages, one before my older sister and one before me. I wasn't 'disturbed' by this information but did wonder what it'd have been like to be one of five!

As a child, you don't understand the sadness of it or the science of what really happens. We just saw it as a bit of 'family history' as it were, I think its normal.

Proudnscary · 07/11/2011 14:05

I told my dc about my miscarriage when they were about 8 and 6. It's part of life and they were okay with it and understood.

Pinkforever, I'm so sorry you've been through that x

PeneloPeePitstop · 07/11/2011 14:06

I had a baby die very late on in pregnancy. Pregnancy was obvious and DS1 knew a sibling was on its way. There was a funeral, I certainly didn't hide it.

He was three.... and I don't think it's done him terrible harm. Me not being pregnant any more and nothing being said about it would have been worse I think.

The OP was answering a direct question, nothing wrong in that.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 07/11/2011 14:11

DD is also 5 and she knows about miscarriages. I don't really know how else I could have told her that the baby we were going to have wasn't coming any more.

And yes we waited until 12 weeks to tell her. Past 13 weeks and 14 weeks actually. And past the healthy scan and low nuchal risk. Then lost the baby anyway later in the second trimester.

He is BU to think you can avoid this. Sometimes you can't.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/11/2011 14:12

Of course YANBU, your DH for example is a twat.
My DD is pretty clued up about everything, she knows how babies are made, born, stopped, terminated etc. She has never asked me about MCs though. I have never volunteered the information, but would without hesitation if, and when, she brings it up.
I think I can be certain DH would too, in fact, he was more affected by my 22 weeker than I was TBH.

Moulesfrites · 07/11/2011 14:12

I think your husband is being very contradictory by arguing that your dc's shouldn't know abouts the mcs but then dismissing them as "no big deal". I don't think you did anything wrong, you answered their questions appropriately.

Dipdap · 07/11/2011 14:12

Oh and some men are a bit rubbish when it comes to these things sometimes. I've never experienced miscarriage but my first child being born happened in quite a traumatic way, basically, I was petrified I was going to die. Not sure how likely that was, but my condition was quite critical.

My DH is still in denial about the chain of events and my fear during it all to this day. Even my immediate family weren't so great. But my best friend had a traumatic birth so we talked over things alot, it really helped. Do you have a friend you can talk to?

monkeywench · 07/11/2011 14:14

Oh yvain I really feel for you. YANBU at all.

Ds1 has always been aware that he had a twin brother who died, and in fact we have some lovely photographs of the boys together, and also their scan pictures and some footprints. He sometimes has questions, and they've always been answered in an age appropriate way. I do think that's very important fir us as a family to have time to come to terms with the loss together, so for example he understands that on his birthday there will always be a little sadness too. So we light a candle for his brother and say a little prayer, and that works for us.

We have a little memory box for our son. I know that's often more difficult if you've suffered a miscarriage, but sometimes just writing down your feelings and putting them in a special place can help.

I'm really sorry for your losses, and for your DH's attitude. My dH would never, ever react like that to someone's loss Sad so please don't think it's "just" a man thing - it's not.