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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding my children and stepchild?

85 replies

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 21:17

This is my first AIBU, I'm genuinely scratching my head all day, wondering if I have been unreasonable.

I have a rocky relationship with DP, we have 2 children together and one on the way. Because of our rocky relationship he doesn't live with us, though we are trying to work it out. He has stopped drinking, partying and actually acting like his age.

Well anyway my daughters are 6 and 11 months, the 6 year old hasn't seen her step sister in about 18 months and my 11 month old has seen her once when she was newborn.

So today whilst DP was here, he says he is going to collect his dd, I say ok, when they are here I am going to go to the library to catch up on some work (I'm at uni). His dds mum makes things awkard and doesn't want me around her, and to be honest I do find things awkward too, though I do try!

He comes back here with dsd, and I talk to her, dd(6) goes up to play with her (she is 8). DP is worried because she ignored the 11 month old and worries about their bonding.I say all the girls can go upstairs to play, whilst you are there, bring the lego up, there's no need to be seperate. He says ok.

I get ready to go and he gets all funny... saying he didn't think he would be left with all 3 of them. I get a bit annoyed because he never mentioned this before, so i say I'll be 2 hours tops.

THEN he says, 'Oh well, can you take the girls (our girls) with you too because I need to bond with my dd...'

Now this is where I got really angry. His dd has been here for about 25 minutes. The whole point of this was so she can bond with her sisters. He then wants to spend time with one of hsi daughters, when i think he should spend it with the 3 of them. Even maybe the 2 of them (the 8 and 6 year old). My 6 year old got upset when I said she was coming with me, she was saying why is daddy staying with her sister at her house, but she has to go.

So I'm annoyed that I didn't get any work done, that my dd was upset.

DP is annoyed that I am not understanding he needs time with his DD.

But we do not live together, he comes round about 3 times a week. He doesn't work. He could spend everyday with his other dd, why today all of a sudden he needed one on one bonding time with her?

Am I bitch?? AIBU??? Because if I am, I will accept it!!

OH and just to add, he said he wanted to take her to the fireworks. But my eldest dd would have wanted to go to the fireworks too! Maybe I am being jealous??

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/11/2011 21:24

Sounds to me like he just didn't want to be left looking after the children and was looking for excuses.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2011 21:25

Hear hear, Hecate. He just didn't want the work. IMO you could, as a compromise, have taken the LO and left 6yo DD to play. He sounds a bit lazy TBH.

DogsBestFriend · 05/11/2011 21:26

Not as far as I can see it, no.You had university work to do, it wasn't a jolly, he is the father of your two girls as well as his ex's child, you are expecting your (and his) third. It was HE who raised the bonding issue, not you.

And besides, it won't hurt him to care for his OWN babe and 6 year old whilst their mum studies for 2 hours, particularly as he has plenty of other time in which to have a 1 to 1 with his other child.

I'd have given him a right royal rollocking, I'm afraid!

FabbyChic · 05/11/2011 21:26

He sounds like a selfish arsehole why are you with him? You see him three nights a week and that is all the time his kids spend with him, he has ample time to see his other child whilst he doesn't see you. id tell the lazy bastard to get a job so he could do some financial supporting.

531800000008 · 05/11/2011 21:30

oh dear, doesn't sound good

he seems a bit lazy

NickNacks · 05/11/2011 21:31

Agree with Fabby. You need to stop making babies with a man who is not acting like a very good partner and father.

Original poster

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 21:31

That's what I thought. But because she isn't my daughter, sometimes I feel bad to say something, because maybe it will look like I am being rude.

The thing is when this next baby is here (NEXT MONTH!!) I want to have a couple hours to myself sometimes, especially as I will be on my own most of the time. So he will have to take our 3 out (or stay at home) and I can catch up on housework/work/ or just relax for an hour! So he will have to have them all together sometimes.

But then I start feeling bad, thinking oh he won't be able to cope. But if I'm coping on my own, working part time pus being at uni, he should be able to.

Ah, hopefully he understands this... if not then ah well, I will have to do it on my own! Not that I mind, I am use to it. Im just getting a bit worried, a newborn, 1 year old and 6 year old.. Sure it will be fine!

OP posts:

girliefriend · 05/11/2011 21:32

no yanbu, he sounds like a waste of time and just was panicking at the thought of being left with all 3 of them. I think you are going to have your work cut out when new baby turns up as well!!!

Original poster

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 21:34

I've just read the other posts. Yes he was lazy, since we have got back together he is trying to sort his life out. He isn't working so he can look after the girls the 2 days I am at uni, so I save some money.

And also I fell pregnant whilst being on the pill AND breastfeeding!

OP posts:

duckdodgers · 05/11/2011 22:00

Please dont take this the wrong way - but exactly what are you getting out of this relationship?

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:04

but surely you get around 70% of your childcare covered by uni? how is it better off for him not to work? if he isn't living with you he should be working and paying you (and his ex) maintenance

squeakytoy · 05/11/2011 22:04

He isn't working so he can look after the girls the 2 days I am at uni, so I save some money.

He could work and pay for a childminder and still have plenty money left over.. that is such a bollocks excuse for not working.

ENormaSnob · 05/11/2011 22:07

He needs to get a job.

Original poster

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 22:10

I love him, been with him for 9 years since I was 18. And he needs me, he has had such a rough upbringing.

He is very emotional, he tells me he loves me, I'm beautiful even though I am a big fat whale. He had a huge wake up call when I got fed up of his drinking and disappearing for days on end, and it seems like he is taking things more seriously. He has a good heart, helping others even if it meant him getting in trouble, which we use to argue about.

He is a good guy, just has issues and can be really annoying!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 22:13

I love him, been with him for 9 years since I was 18. And he needs me, he has had such a rough upbringing.

Yet his daughter, the one you arent the mother of, is 8?

He doesnt seem to have much respect for you or his ex-P or his children TBH.

winnybella · 05/11/2011 22:14

So you're with him because he needs you?

Hmm, what about when you need him?

He sounds like an emotionally underdeveloped selfish lazy twit.

squeakytoy · 05/11/2011 22:14

How can you have been with him for 9 years, yet he has an 8 year old daughter with someone else???

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:15

how have you been with him 9 years if his other DD is only 8?! I am sorry to sound harsh because I really admire you for doing University with a newborn (soon) and young children (I tried and had to take a year out) but you sound like this bloke is playing you for a complete mug.

duckdodgers · 05/11/2011 22:16

I love him, been with him for 9 years since I was 18. And he needs me, he has had such a rough upbringing.

No I asked what you are getting out of the relationship - not what he is.

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:16

x posts. He may have had a nasty start in life but it doesn't sound like he is going out of his way to give his own DC a better time of it TBH

DogsBestFriend · 05/11/2011 22:21

Why the HELL are you putting yourself down lady?!

You're a mum who cares, expecting this man's third child, working hard to improve yourself, your prospects and to set a good example to your children and to provide for them. You're doing it pretty much singlehandedly as your DP neither lives with your (and HIS) children in order to care for them and to deal with the day to day stress of childcare, poorly kids, bills, housework (ie cleaning up after what are HIS children too), the demands that having a babe causes, the sleepless nights. He isn't even paying or contributing to the expenses of your mutual children or expected baby and yet YOU are speaking so badly of YOURSELF???

Please, please, take it from an old 'un (who has DDs, 14 and 16, and who has done it all alone with neither practical, emotional or financial help) since DD2 was 7 weeks old... I know it isn't easy and I ALSO know that you do NOT deserve to be treated like a bloody doormat or to hold such a low opion of yourself.

OR such a hgh opinion of HIM!

DogsBestFriend · 05/11/2011 22:23

And apologies for typos, that's what being cross on your behalf does to me! :o

Original poster

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 22:27

Hmmm yes, we split up for a while, he got a girl pregnant... Something I dont like thinking about but it was right at the beginning.

As regards to working I do agree that he could work nights or weekend, but our whole relationship is me pushing him into work, being responsible, getting his license ect.. Sometimes I feel like I'm too pushy so I've brought the subject up about work, he says he will in December/jan he wants to do his lgv license or something, the big lorry driving. So he can help out with the children.

What am I getting out of it... Erm he is hard work but so am I. I don't let people close to me, he has worked very very hard at trying to get me to open up, he has been patient with me. I've always been the type of 'I don't need a man' and I get on with it and probably have not thought about him sometimes.

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 05/11/2011 22:28

You are not his mother.

I think better forward plannin6 mi6ht help.

madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 22:29

Every time someone's asked you a question about you, you always end up talking about him.

It sounds like you're his mother or something.

And to be honest, sorry of this sounds harsh, but from what you've told us he sounds like an absolute loser.

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