AIBU regarding my children and stepchild?

[86pairsofshoes]

This is my first AIBU, I'm genuinely scratching my head all day, wondering if I have been unreasonable.

I have a rocky relationship with DP, we have 2 children together and one on the way. Because of our rocky relationship he doesn't live with us, though we are trying to work it out. He has stopped drinking, partying and actually acting like his age.

Well anyway my daughters are 6 and 11 months, the 6 year old hasn't seen her step sister in about 18 months and my 11 month old has seen her once when she was newborn.

So today whilst DP was here, he says he is going to collect his dd, I say ok, when they are here I am going to go to the library to catch up on some work (I'm at uni). His dds mum makes things awkard and doesn't want me around her, and to be honest I do find things awkward too, though I do try!

He comes back here with dsd, and I talk to her, dd(6) goes up to play with her (she is 8). DP is worried because she ignored the 11 month old and worries about their bonding.I say all the girls can go upstairs to play, whilst you are there, bring the lego up, there's no need to be seperate. He says ok.

I get ready to go and he gets all funny... saying he didn't think he would be left with all 3 of them. I get a bit annoyed because he never mentioned this before, so i say I'll be 2 hours tops.

THEN he says, 'Oh well, can you take the girls (our girls) with you too because I need to bond with my dd...'

Now this is where I got really angry. His dd has been here for about 25 minutes. The whole point of this was so she can bond with her sisters. He then wants to spend time with one of hsi daughters, when i think he should spend it with the 3 of them. Even maybe the 2 of them (the 8 and 6 year old). My 6 year old got upset when I said she was coming with me, she was saying why is daddy staying with her sister at her house, but she has to go.

So I'm annoyed that I didn't get any work done, that my dd was upset.

DP is annoyed that I am not understanding he needs time with his DD.

But we do not live together, he comes round about 3 times a week. He doesn't work. He could spend everyday with his other dd, why today all of a sudden he needed one on one bonding time with her?

Am I bitch?? AIBU??? Because if I am, I will accept it!!

OH and just to add, he said he wanted to take her to the fireworks. But my eldest dd would have wanted to go to the fireworks too! Maybe I am being jealous??

I'm crying now, I blame the hormones! But seriously, I know hes taken me for a mug. I know our relationshiP is shit. I hate that I grew up with both parents in a nice house whilst my babies don't have this. I have been waiting 9 years for a change... There's so much I want to write but it won't make sense.

As for the childcare, Im on maternity leave at the mo, and will have a newborn so I don't think there will be much point because I will only be attending uni for the important lectures that I need to get my work handed in, my mum has offered to have the newborn for the hr I just need to go in to do a presentation ect. This is whAt happened last year. It's my last year, I finish in may so I'm determined just to finish, and then take it easy fOr a while.

Do you want one very quick way to lose several stone quickly?

Dump this bloke - 10 stone overnight, gone.

You are young, get rid of this idiot, find a nice bloke to spend the rest of your life with.

Keep writing ... just get it all out. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make too much sense.

Growing up in a house with one happy parent is much better than growing up in a house with two who are at war, or dont even have much respect for each other.

This man wants you to need him.. so he manipulates you into thinking he needs you, when really he is just having you for a fool. Dont let him.

He has you wrapped around his finger, at his beck and call, and is doing whatever he wants with his freedom while you are raising his children (some of them anyway.. )

I am sorry we are all giving you a hard time when you are soooo pregnant and have so much shit going on but you really seem like you need to hear it . This bloke honestly sounds like an oxygen thief. You need to make this year work for you or all your hard work will have been for nothing. You honestly sound like you really have your head screwed on and like a lovely compassionate person. I kept going on about childcare as that is your P's bullshit excuse about not working. Which IS clearly bullshit if he is leaving others to support his STB 4 children so he can help you but still your Mum needs to step in. I used to be with a useless fucker ad honestly when you finally get the strength to bin them it's like the wool has been pulled from your eyes and a cloud has been lifted.

Your children WILL be better off with one decent parent

too much wine= too many honestlys

"And he needs me, he has had such a rough upbringing."
Ahh, that old chestnut - he needs me.

He hooked you when you were 18 - if you were anything like me, a time when it is very possible to be adult but still naive. And it's been 9 years now, and he's still got you dangling on that hook.

86pairsofshoes, he is not going to change. Why would he? What need could there possibly be, from his point of view? He will never be of help to you, only a burden. Concentrate on you and your children and your studies - that is your future. He is your past. As others have pointed out, you are getting nothing from this relationship, and neither are your daughters.

Ok ok, I get the drift. I understand what your saying because I have a very close friend who basically says the same.

Just to say again I was very careful not to get pregnant again. I dont know. I will talk to him tomorrow. To be honest I have left out a lot of things about this relationship.. Just goes to show how bad it is.

We haven't seen his dd in so long, just because for one we haven't lived together for the past 7 months, two her mum hates me and hated me even more when I got pregnant with youngest dd, she didn't want me around her. Dp always went to his mums house where he would see his dd.

I know it's fucked up, I feel trapped sometimes, but hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

And I understand about the hgv driving, I had no idea.

Good luck shoes

OP, no words of wisdom for you. But just wanted to send my support your way. Don't feel trapped, use that college education to good advantage. Believe in yourself and believe (strongly) that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Hats off to you for juggling college & kids. Stay strong.

I despair when I read about men (or women) like this who are lazy workshy's who expect everyone else to pay for their life. He needs to man up and get a job.

If you weren't 8 months pg I'd like to put this under the microscope:

... he is hard work but so am I. I don't let people close to me, he has worked very very hard at trying to get me to open up, he has been patient with me

But maybe that will have to wait for another day! You are a star my dear. I just wish you didn't have him sucking any spare energy you may have left. Look, see - you've spent the day stressing about him, when it should have been a completely ordinary exchange re you go to the library, he looks after (his!) kids - simple! INstead he created a fuss about nothing, you didn't get your work done (that's another micoscope thing for another day!), you stressed all day about it - as if you don't have enough on your plate. You sound like he's got your head so mixed up you question yourself about something that is totally obvious, a no-brainer re he's lazy and didn't want to look after the kids. (plus! in your home he insisted on keeping the only child who isn't yours, sending his own children out of their own home. It doesn't even make any sense!)

I hope your lo sleeps through soon so you at least get the chance of some good sleep in time for your baby.

ps if you can put up with a nightmare like this, have him convince you he's doing you a favour on some level, bring up 2 nearly 3 children, work and go to uni at the same time, you'll be heading up a multi-national company one day.

You ARE a star my dear !
But, seriously - is he going to move in when baby is born ? why should your Mum have to look after your newborn when its HIS responsibility ?
I'm so sorry if i sound harsh (I know your hormonal and all) but he really neds to grow up and take responsibility for his family ! You have done nothing wrong - in fact you are bloody amazing !

Sounds like he needs to grow up. YANBU at all

He isnt a partner. He is pulling you down. You and the dcs need away from him.

Have these 'gaps' in your relationship been due to prison sentences? Has he ever been abusive to you?

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve better than this.

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I don't know if he will move in, I hope he does because I'm really going to struggle taking dd to school. The baby is due over Xmas holidays, so I'm hoping he will come a bit earlier so even if he isn't there to help, I'll have a week or so not having to get up for the school run.

The gaps.. Luckily no prison sentences. He has been in trouble with the law since he was young, but had no record until a couple years ago, so now he does have a record. We have had 3 gaps, one at the beginning. This was because I was falling for him but new he wasn't very suitable!! So I split with him. Next gap was when first dd was born. Next was when I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I begged and pleaded for him to be normal and to stop drinking, he promised he would get help and stop but nothing.. So I told him to go.

I'm trying to remember the other questions and I can't remember them, I'll go back and read again.

We've spoken today, we are going to sort out a plan he says. I've said that what I really need from him is a full time job that he will stick to, and also a car. Because he doesn't have a car it's always me running around taking dd to her activities, also having a car means he won't have the excuse of 'I'm waiting for so and so to give me a lift, that's why I'm not there.'

I'm going to ask for an actual date when I can expect all these changes and if he hadn't by then, I'm going to tell him that we will not be able to be together. 10 years I've been waiting basically.

86pairsofshoes you sound to me like you are so used to dealing with his behaviour, that you have forgetten what normal is like.

He isnt a partner. if he wont help you with the new baby, his new baby, like a responsible father, he is not there for you when you need him. you are there for him when he needs you.

you have been repeating this for years. be very careful when he tries to make you feel sorry for him. he is a father of 4 children. he needs to put them first: he hasnt & i think the chance of him changing is very low.

We've spoken today, we are going to sort out a plan he says. 86 from now on it needs to be about what you say, what you want. you are the only one being responsible.

you need to look inside yourself & find want you want, what is best for your family & dont let him push you off your path. because he will try.

YOUR life can be so much better than it is now. but you have to make it that way. he wont.

do one small thing every day to make yours and the childrens life better, & one day you will look on all of this & see how far you have come & how much YOU have achieved for your family. you dont need him, however much you think you do at the moment.

best wishes.

This excuse for man will never change. Get rid now before he does any more damage. I had Dd2 3 days after xmas. Dd1 was 6. I threw Xh out 2 days later and never looked back. My life has got so much better without him dragging me down. You will be fine but not with him.

I am also thinking about from the viewpoint of the other mother. She gets pregnant by this guy, and then he goes back to his other girlfriend leaving her with the baby. He has two more kids by you, but doesn't live with you or support you financially. I am guessing he doesn't support his other daughter either.
Then he can't even cope with all the kids he has fathered for a SINGLE AFTERNOON???

I don't know about his 'rough upbringing' but he doesn't seem to be much of a father himself.

Well our talk and plan didn't go well. He got really angry. Saying I'm expecting too much and I want everything now and I keep having tantrums when I dont get my way. It's true that our normal now is so abnormal. Because of what he is around, he considers that he is doing really well. For example, someone asked if he had ever been violent, and once he pushed me around really hard that the next day my chest/shoulders hurt. He doesn't see this as violent because he didn't hit me.as he sees his family hit women. He's done it once in 9 years so it's not a frequent thing, but it's something I always remember.

Well right now he has tidied the house top to bottom and told me to go out and he will watch the children, so maybe he is apologising? I don't know, we will probably never sort things out. Thanks for taking the time to reply, I don't want you ladies to waste any more time because I will probably be in the same position next year!

"I don't want you ladies to waste any more time because I will probably be in the same position next year!"
That has to be the saddest thing you have written so far, 86 . You really don't value yourself nearly enough, to accept this excuse of a man. Seriously, why do you put up with this? He brings nothing to this relationship, he is draining you; and everything he takes from you is then not available for your children- not your time or your energy. If you won't do it for yourself, will you do it for them?

I'm just chipping in here on a very minor point: my XP once (and only once) slapped me round the face. He didn't see it as violence because I'd been teasing him and "I deserved it". We went through counselling etc towards the end of our relationship and he still would not see it had been wong - I was horrified. I have new and lovely DP now and I can never, ever, imagine ANY circumstance where he would do that. Nor can I imagine my dad doing that to my mum. I accepted it at the time because he was a bit damaged and had come from an abusive family, but it's a sliding scale: I have DD now and the idea that she might ever think that kind of casual, low level abuse is acceptable fills me with dread. I feel a bit of a muppet for putting up with it at the time.

(and you do sound lovely and I hope you manage to extracate yourself from the situation before he makes you feel any worse.)

I bet if you talked to the other mother a whole different story would emerge. Why would she be jealous of you if their affair was a brief thing 8 years ago?

He has been a parent for 8 years and hasn't managed to learn how to do it yet. He is not going to. The one violent episode, did your attitude or behaviour change after it? Are you 'walking on eggshells'? He may not have done it again because he doesn't have to. You are already behaving like a woman who is scared to assert herself. Get a good counsellor and talk these things through.

Hi Shoes

I realise you've come on here with one question and ended up submerged in a whole "what is my life coming to" saga..but that's what happens on here no-one will let you wallow in your own crap once they know about it!

Two things I'd like to highlight if I may...

1 - and I've absolutely NO idea if I'll get slaughtered for this, but in my experience, the only time I put on a ton of weight was the 7 years I spent with a really really similar tosser bloke. Is it conceivably that you might not have put on quite as much weight if your life had taken a different turn (babies excepted!)??

2 - I find it interesting that you are still so self-motivated, and despite your sadness at your children being in a less than traditional household, you really are holding it together by yourself.

Has it occurred to you that it might be less painful to get a student loan to cover a couple of years of child-minding (long time since I've been either a student or in the UK so don't know current loan situation).. and turf him out, than have the biggest pain in the arse nanny ever.

And what happens when he can't get a lift, actually, I just wrote "life", freudian, so, maybe can't get a lift either, and you have to miss classes because he just can't get out of bed, and then your fail your degree too?

Seriously, you have a mum who will cover some of the bare minimum, and I know that the government have taken away some really good services, but it's worth checkign out your alternatives I wouldn've thought. Advert at uni to see if you can swap days with another mum? I don't know, I'm making this bit up as I go along.

My point it, you've got to the last terms of your degree without him actually adding any value to your situation, I think you can probably manage the last 6 months too....

Think about it. Just a little bit.

J
xxx (oops, that's very non-MN, I thought I was writing an email just then!)