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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding my children and stepchild?

85 replies

86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 21:17

This is my first AIBU, I'm genuinely scratching my head all day, wondering if I have been unreasonable.

I have a rocky relationship with DP, we have 2 children together and one on the way. Because of our rocky relationship he doesn't live with us, though we are trying to work it out. He has stopped drinking, partying and actually acting like his age.

Well anyway my daughters are 6 and 11 months, the 6 year old hasn't seen her step sister in about 18 months and my 11 month old has seen her once when she was newborn.

So today whilst DP was here, he says he is going to collect his dd, I say ok, when they are here I am going to go to the library to catch up on some work (I'm at uni). His dds mum makes things awkard and doesn't want me around her, and to be honest I do find things awkward too, though I do try!

He comes back here with dsd, and I talk to her, dd(6) goes up to play with her (she is 8). DP is worried because she ignored the 11 month old and worries about their bonding.I say all the girls can go upstairs to play, whilst you are there, bring the lego up, there's no need to be seperate. He says ok.

I get ready to go and he gets all funny... saying he didn't think he would be left with all 3 of them. I get a bit annoyed because he never mentioned this before, so i say I'll be 2 hours tops.

THEN he says, 'Oh well, can you take the girls (our girls) with you too because I need to bond with my dd...'

Now this is where I got really angry. His dd has been here for about 25 minutes. The whole point of this was so she can bond with her sisters. He then wants to spend time with one of hsi daughters, when i think he should spend it with the 3 of them. Even maybe the 2 of them (the 8 and 6 year old). My 6 year old got upset when I said she was coming with me, she was saying why is daddy staying with her sister at her house, but she has to go.

So I'm annoyed that I didn't get any work done, that my dd was upset.

DP is annoyed that I am not understanding he needs time with his DD.

But we do not live together, he comes round about 3 times a week. He doesn't work. He could spend everyday with his other dd, why today all of a sudden he needed one on one bonding time with her?

Am I bitch?? AIBU??? Because if I am, I will accept it!!

OH and just to add, he said he wanted to take her to the fireworks. But my eldest dd would have wanted to go to the fireworks too! Maybe I am being jealous??

OP posts:
winnybella · 05/11/2011 22:30

'So he can help out with the children'

Hahahaha. But he is not doing it, is he? He's just stalling.

He's been very patient? Are you kidding? You ust have a patience of a saint to put up with him.

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 22:32

Thank you for being angry on my behalf! Though in the years I have put on 8 stones since we met!!! Whilst he still looks really good! Sometimes I feel that I may embarrass him if we are out. Though he always tells me I'm fine the way I am ect.

I am finding it very hard and sometimes I flip out on him because my daughter still doesn't sleep through and I'm so tired, whilst he gets a good nights sleep and can be the fun jolly dad.. Arggghh I dont know, I wasnt expecting my one post would make me feel like this!!

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 05/11/2011 22:32

To the best of my knowledge an HGV license is pretty expensive and driver would be expected to pay for his own training or prove himself as a lower-class driver for some time in a company before they would consider committing funds to finance his qualification. Are you sure that your DP is talking pie in the sky? (And perhaps those who know the trade can correct me or confirm, apologies if I'm mistaken).

exoticfruits · 05/11/2011 22:33

YANBU. He has three equal DDs and so he can't make one special. He doesn't seem very mature.

troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 22:35

I commend you for getting on with your life, getting an education and bettering yourself. His role in all this is what? Because eventually you are going to move away from him intellectually and emotionally. Well, that's if he doesnt drag you down to his level in the meantime

You just arent painting a very good picture of him; he's not sounding much of a catch TBH - Im currently loving the MN phrase of 'cock lodger' and thats what you've got. Some workshy bloke who doesn't seem to mind impregnating women but takes absolutely no responsibility either emotionally, practically or financially for them.

But who are we to judge the fact that you love him? For the life of me, I cant see what you are getting out of the relationship. He wants to be a long distance lorry driver so he can help out with the children. That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.

madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 22:35

He's got it made hasn't he? He can just dip in and out of family life when he feels like it, while you run yourself ragged doing all the shit work.

Why on earth would he put himself out and get a job when everything's fine the way it is as far as he's concerned.

I have to say OP that this sounds like a crap relationship. You don't have to be so grateful that he tells you you're attractive sometimes. As a partner that's the least he can do. Giving you compliments shouldn't get him off the hook for doing fuck all.

squeakytoy · 05/11/2011 22:35

Getting a HGV licence costs hundreds of pounds, and no guarantee of a job as there are a lot of agency drivers out there who are experienced and desperate for work.

Original poster
86pairsofshoes · 05/11/2011 22:36

Oh dear!!! I'm probably just trying to stick up for him because he has done bad things but is trying to change. And he really does need me or he will go off the rails, which he has admitted! I will stop talking about him now!!

OP posts:
winnybella · 05/11/2011 22:37

Oh come on. He doesn't take care of his children, he doesn't work, doesn't help around the house, you have to do everything by yourself...

It sounds like you have a very low self-esteem by refering to him and his needs all the time while you sound like an intelligent, motivated person with plans for the future.

Embarrass him, eh? I would be embarrassed if my children's father was a loser like that.

madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 22:37

and he really does need me or he will go off the rails

That's pathetic. He's an adult and a father. He should take responsibility for himself.

Tryharder · 05/11/2011 22:37

OK.

He doesn't work so presumably doesn't contribute financially.
He doesn't live with you so presumably offers very little in the way of practical and emotional support at home.
He comes round 3 times a week to visit his own kids but on one of those visits, makes his own children leave their own house so he can spend time with one of the kids - i.e he's a lazy so-and-so who doesn't want to look after 3 children together.

You would be better off alone than being with this man-child. And I honestly don't say that lightly.

duckdodgers · 05/11/2011 22:37

Though he always tells me I'm fine the way I am ect

Look I dont know your DP and I could be way off line here but it could be that he tells you this because he either knows you are conscious about your weight and wants to boost your self-esteem - or he wants to keep you overweight because losing weight would increase your confidence and make it more likely therefore that you might realise how badly he does treat you and leave.

winnybella · 05/11/2011 22:38

Of course he says he needs you Hmm It is not your job to make him live his life as a responsable adult.

It's been 9 years and you're still waiting for him to change? Really?

troisgarcons · 05/11/2011 22:38

And he really does need me or he will go off the rails, which he has admitted

That isnt your problem. If he cant pull himself together he needs to have his knob knotted so he cant keep on baby-making.

slavetofilofax · 05/11/2011 22:39

It sounds like there is loads of stuff going on in this relationship, but the bottom line of the incident you first described, is that he is lazy and didn't want to have to look after all his children on his own.

I do understand that he might find it hard to have them all, but he could have done it, and he should have done. My ex has our two dc and his youngest dd on his own, and while I know he doesn't find it easy when they go out and he is trying to divide his attention fairly as well as look alfter them, he still makes the effort to do it. Because they are his children.

Whatever else is going on, you need to tell him what you will and won't put up with, then follow through.

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:40

But why can't he just work a normal job if uni will pay 70% of childcare? we do that at the moment and feel very fortunate. God knows how we will afford childcare when I am working full time but I am just hoping it all falls into place Blush. We don't get the full 70% as our income is too high but a single parent you would, or even with your P or whatever he is working in a fairly low income job and living with you. As we only get a bit of help (that sounds ungrateful of me and god knows I am really not!) we do childcare 2 days and DP has the DC 1 day but works that evening and Saturdays so we he can afford to.

This man isn't doing it to help you, he should be working so that the burden to provide isn't all on you and you can concentrate on your studies.

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:42

Also my ex is a complete twat who feels he shouldn't have to contribute to his DS's upbringing but even he can manage to look after all his DC at once.

Tryharder · 05/11/2011 22:42

We are all saying the same thing really, OP. I am overweight at the moment and i know it's not nice being fat and it makes you feel like shit. But you deserve much better than this.

You sound like an absolute trooper, OP, you really do. I personally could not cope with studying full time and looking after a 6 year old, an 11 month old and soon - a new born. And you do that without any assistance from your DP. I take my hat off to you, I really do. You are worth so much more than this - fat or thin!

Dialsmavis · 05/11/2011 22:45

I expect he likes you being fat and feeling like you couldn't have anyone else, I imagine that suits him just fine. When, in reality you sound great but sucked in by his bullshit.

DogsBestFriend · 05/11/2011 22:47

"And he really does need me or he will go off the rails, which he has admitted! I will stop talking about him now!!"

Lovey, you are mother to your CHILDREN and to your unborn babe, NOT to a fully functioning adult man.

You have enough on your plate with what you've got! You do NOT owe it to him to stop him "going off the rails", that's HIS responsibility and he owes it to YOU and his three, soon to be four children, not the other way round.

You speak of "off the rails" and have already mentioned a drink problem... I take it the two are connected and suspect that there is more. What kind of an example is HE to your DC and what kind of an example are YOU to them for accepting the way he is? I'm not saying get rid (though I would do so) but I'm sure as hell saying set ultimatums and stick to them.

YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER!

And look at what I said above, about HGV driving, and look too at what Squeaky said. I have a family member who's an HGV driver and he had to do exactly as I said - start off as a minor driver on a low wage and prove his reliablility and competence for 3 years or more before his (large, well known) company paid for his HGV training. If that's how the big companies fund training you can bet your last nappy that the smaller ones will be even more careful how they offer funds for it.

squeakytoy · 05/11/2011 22:48
maypole1 · 05/11/2011 22:49

Should have made sure your marriage was much better before adding yet another child to what seems a sorry mess

And why pary have your oh and your children seen their sister for all that time

I he a feckless father that fact that even you have thrown him out tells me all I need to know

He has a daughter he barley sees
You had to kick him out and yet your surprised he's acting like a dick

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/11/2011 22:53

Love, you need to stop taking responsibility for him. You have to stay with him or he will go off the rails? Please! No, no you don't. His upbringing and his responses to it are his responsibility, not yours.

You are only in your twenties. You have tied yourself to a guy who is a pretty shit partner, and had three kids with him. What difference would it make if you split with him for real? Presumably you'd be better off by claiming single parent's benefits, and you wouldn't have to carry the burden of his mental health on your shoulders.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 05/11/2011 22:56

Why haven't the girls seen each other for 18 months?

His eldest daughters mother had no right to say that she doesn't want you around her daughter. He needs to man up and tell her she doesn't have to like it, but who she sees when she's with him is none of her business.

It is ridiculous that the eldest one is being kept apart from her two half sisters (and stb 3rd or brother).

He needs to get a job and support all 3 (stb 4) children. Looking after the girls for 2 days is naff all. Full time job for him and CM for the girls and he'll still have money left over to give to you and his other daughters mother.

You need to stop making excuses for him & stop mothering him. He may have had a difficult upbringing, but he's a grown man now and needs to start acting like one.

I think if you met some decent men you would see what a waste of space this one is.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 05/11/2011 23:01

Him going off the rails is not your problem - he's a grown man. He's done 'bad stuff' ... let the police deal with him if he fucks up again. Stop mothering him. He's had 9 years to grow up and act like a man & a father - he hasn't - what the hell do you really think is going to change? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone so pathetic?