AIBU regarding my children and stepchild?

[86pairsofshoes]

This is my first AIBU, I'm genuinely scratching my head all day, wondering if I have been unreasonable.

I have a rocky relationship with DP, we have 2 children together and one on the way. Because of our rocky relationship he doesn't live with us, though we are trying to work it out. He has stopped drinking, partying and actually acting like his age.

Well anyway my daughters are 6 and 11 months, the 6 year old hasn't seen her step sister in about 18 months and my 11 month old has seen her once when she was newborn.

So today whilst DP was here, he says he is going to collect his dd, I say ok, when they are here I am going to go to the library to catch up on some work (I'm at uni). His dds mum makes things awkard and doesn't want me around her, and to be honest I do find things awkward too, though I do try!

He comes back here with dsd, and I talk to her, dd(6) goes up to play with her (she is 8). DP is worried because she ignored the 11 month old and worries about their bonding.I say all the girls can go upstairs to play, whilst you are there, bring the lego up, there's no need to be seperate. He says ok.

I get ready to go and he gets all funny... saying he didn't think he would be left with all 3 of them. I get a bit annoyed because he never mentioned this before, so i say I'll be 2 hours tops.

THEN he says, 'Oh well, can you take the girls (our girls) with you too because I need to bond with my dd...'

Now this is where I got really angry. His dd has been here for about 25 minutes. The whole point of this was so she can bond with her sisters. He then wants to spend time with one of hsi daughters, when i think he should spend it with the 3 of them. Even maybe the 2 of them (the 8 and 6 year old). My 6 year old got upset when I said she was coming with me, she was saying why is daddy staying with her sister at her house, but she has to go.

So I'm annoyed that I didn't get any work done, that my dd was upset.

DP is annoyed that I am not understanding he needs time with his DD.

But we do not live together, he comes round about 3 times a week. He doesn't work. He could spend everyday with his other dd, why today all of a sudden he needed one on one bonding time with her?

Am I bitch?? AIBU??? Because if I am, I will accept it!!

OH and just to add, he said he wanted to take her to the fireworks. But my eldest dd would have wanted to go to the fireworks too! Maybe I am being jealous??

PS (It's the middle of the night with you, so I'm leaving lots for you to read tomorrow :-)

As pp said about the other woman, and the fact that he appears to live with his mother.. has it occurred to any of you that between the three of you no-one is making accountable for his actions?

There is always someone to bail him out; and as for her not wanting her daughter anywhere near you, I'm not surprised, can you imagine how she felt when she found she was roped to someone who is taking less than no responsibility for her child and has you both still in train? Presumably he insists he's not sleeping with her ....? Sorry, that's a bit strong, but really, why would she be so anti, this many years later?

Hope you have a better day......

There is so much good advice already on this thread so I won't parrot too much but please, please, for your DCs sake, do not put up with such appalling behaviour. Children are very perceptive and will take the way their father acts as the norm. I am sure you do not want them to end up in the same situation.

In regards to your initial post, he clearly did not want the work of being responsible for all 3 children. Therefore, he is highly unlikely to step up and really be of any help when your DD3 arrives. It sounds like he causes you more stress than he can give you support.

I really sympathise with you in that you know he has redeeming qualities, is trying hard (sometimes) and has had a very unfortunate start in life. I know this may sound harsh but you may have to accept that his past and own upbringing may just not make him compatible with you. You cannot keep giving and giving to someone, however needy or deserving they are, without expecting anything in return. You will end up miserable and your DCs will suffer as a result.

After having spent time reading this during a night feed and finishing off now with the current feed I couldn't leave without bumping it for this morning's crowd.

Your posts make me feel so and on your behalf. I won't bother repeating all the excellent advice you've been given but rest assured, whichever way you choose to go, you will always be able to come here for a confidence boost and reassurance that positive action will result in a better future for you and your DCs.

God, sorry, went a bit netmums there...

Feck!

OP... Another voice expressing sadness for you. :(

What do you want for your daughters? If you allow this man-child to continue to use you and your home and your goodwill in this way, your daughters will absorb this and may replicate the pattern themselves when they grow up.

You're doing the very best you can but by your own admission, you left out stuff about your relationship. You know there's more - you didn't want to post it with good reason. You know this is wrong for you, he's not going to change. If he can't pull it together, get work and be a proper partner for you now that you're about to give birth to another of his children, do you really think its going to change for the better afterwards?

Deep down you know this is a horrid relationship to be in. You deserve better. You can get better than him and even being alone would be much, much better than this.

Hoping that you can get some more RL perspective from your friend and some much-needed support.

OP have you actually felt good about yourself at all in the last nine years? Or has your self esteem disappeared completely since being with him?

Hi, OP- sorry, arriving late to thread. Can I pick you up on your mentioning of his drinking several times- that you want him to "just drink normally"- does he have an alcohol problem? There also seem to be other things that ring alarm bells, like "helping others and then gettting in trouble", and "a job that he sticks to".

He does not sound like a good prospect, nor a good father/ role model, and it seems he is putting the responsibility for his wellbeing onto you.
I was also that he got angry when you expected the most basic contribution/ cooperation from him.
Would you tell us a bit more?
I would be inclined to agree with PPs and wonder what he brings to your life, how he makes it easier/ better?

what does you putting on weight since you met him have to do with how you deserve to be treated or how your kids deserve to be treated. your partner sounds a lot like my ex. great guy, heart of gold except he would drink all the time and vanish sometimes for hours sometimes for days. he would also bring people into my life, bad people because he always wanted to the see the good in people (or they would buy him a drink), but really come on he was a good guy. some husbands beat there wives etc and i am no picnic. we all like a drink with our friends dont we?
no op, its not right. you are not his keeper if he wants to use you as an excuse to drink more then thats up to him you cant stop him. ask yourself does he really need an excuse. on a good day my husband would drink and a bad day and a boring day.
it always came first, i always thought he was a really good guy until my counselor pointed out to me, good guys dont vanish for weekends at a time leaving you worried and upset and good guys dont make you feel bad and guilty for being justifiably angry and hurt and dont make you second guess yourself.
good guys dont let their kids down time and time again. good guys put you and their families needs first.
you already know this op on some lvl if he isnt living with you. took me ten yrs to get it in to my head.
you are working to better your life with your course maybe its time to look to a better future with out him to.
i now am actually with a good guy that looks after my kids without question if i have to study or go out with my friends and they are not his and he makes me feel like i come first, takes a bit of getting use to.

I am sorry. But he sounds like a waste of space. He is blackmailing you to accept his shitty behavoiur and stay with him, cos if you dont, he threatens to go off the rails??? HIS PROBLEM!

He is not trying to fix himself. He either does it, or he doesnt, and it seems like the latter. You are content to be with a man who does not work, does not see his children, does not help out with childcare even if he does nothing else, and who comes around (possibly to eat his dinner) 3 evenings per week??

I am sorry, but this is not a relationship. This is a bloke who has sorted himself with not just a cake, but with a whole bakery, and eats it too.

I don't want you ladies to waste any more time because I will probably be in the same position next year!

Well then on a practical level, given that you've got pregnant whilst being on the pill and breastfeeding, please please please give some consideration to being sterilised or using more than one method of contraception (pill/coil/condoms). Please don't have any more children with this wanker man.

Readers, she loves him. gah!

ah well, you won't be the first nor the last to put up with crumbs from the table of a charming man (not that he sounds particularly charming to the rest of us but I would bet there's a devilish charm there somewhere).

I was going to suggest the Freedom Programme but where on earth you'd fit that in to your already packed schedule I don't know. You can get it online though, the workbooks, plus they do meet during the day. Lots of meetings nationwide, one near you.

Surely, other people have voiced their concerns about this bloke OP? Or has he cut you off from your family/friends?