To think that kids at secondary school should be taught about relationship red flags?

[toptramp]

Of all things in my life, it was my abusive relationship that almost killed me and my career. I am scarred by it and my career is no way as good as it could have been if I had seen the warning signs and ran for my life.
Moreover I am still single as I have had problems establishing them since said abuse.
I have heard that the goverment are thinking of teaching kids about dating abuse and how to avoid it? I met my abuser at the age of 16 and there was absolutely no guidance from parents or teachers on the warning signs and noone helped me get out of it even when it was obvious that I was becoming ill and damaged by it.

It is all very well having good qualifications as I do but if you meet the wrong partner, your life can get messed up pretty quickly.

Such lessons may also target potential abusers and teach them respect in relationships.

Well either someone judges or the whole country has to be patronised which is obviously a massive waste of resources.

Oh sod it, I'll judge. You lot can help me compile some standards. :o

Let's take the knowledge to the people who need it, the children in care, the children from abusive homes. Every time a gp, teacher or school nurse raises a query about inadequate/abusive/negligent parenting that family can be targeted. I'm reasonably certain most would accept guidance especially if a refusal would lead to some kind of social services intervention.

I would wholeheartedly disagree with that. If you target certain sectors, you miss out the ones who have slipped through.

It is also being reactive rather than proactive.

I am seeing a lot of the "I am alright, its everyone elses problem" here.

My mother would probably have thought I had no need for any advice at school, because her perfect relationship was all I needed to base my own relationships on. Yes, in an ideal world, that is true. But now I am older, and wiser, I realise that there is no way she could have prepared me for many of the relationship challenges I faced.

If you teach the children of today, you are teaching the parents of tomorrow.

I don't know who said that, but it's true.

I love the idea that when a school notices parenting 'deficiencies' they can just call the parent in and show them how to parent 'better'. Surely if the parent in question was interested in being a good parent, they'd have found out how to be themselves? It's the kids whose parents don't give a shit - don't join the PTA, don't come to parents eve, don't help with homework or show their kids how to tie their shoelaces, that are the concern here. A government leaflet is not going to help.

And, as I said earlier, schools do teach this stuff. During PSHE, but also through study of literature, etc, kids are taught about positive healthy relationships and know how to identify what is wrong.

(Sorry, said 'parent' a lot in the first couple of sentences.)

Celtic, ds is 8 and can't tie his own shoelaces. I try to show him but he just gets frustrated and fed up and refuses to try again... I hate the thought that his teacher is judging me because he can't do it (other children help him if the laces come undone at school - we bought shoes with laces because we thought that would mean he had to learn...).

Firstly, you can't complain about the 'Nanny State' (yawn) and then expect 'certain' parents to be targeted and made to attend classes on healthy relationships.
Secondly, nearly every parent thinks they are a Good Parent- including sadly the ones who are abusive.

As for 'street grooming'- 25% of victims are in the care system. that means there are SEVENTY FIVE % of victims who are not. It's an area I work in, and I can tell you that every child is vulnerable- particularly young girls who believe that violent and controlling behaviour is somehow romantic or 'He does it because he loves me'. (I am thinking of calling this the 'Twilight Effect')
I have seen girls from very nice supportive loving families still become victims- because the PULL factors of this sort of abuse is so strong. And often it's the NICE families who are hardest to wrok with, because they refuse to believe their little girl could end up turning tricks in some hotel room because some boyfriend has told her 'if you loved me, you'd do that for me'.

Many 8YO struggle with laces, some struggle with understanding that a friendship isn't based on ownership and manipulative behaviour.
They get help with both at school, but it works better if parents are positively and actively involved.

''He does it because he loves me'. (I am thinking of calling this the 'Twilight Effect')'

Oh yes.

Just spoken to Ds1 aged 14, year ten. It is covered in PSHe and kit has been discussed in form time.

I don't know to what degree but apparently there are tv adverts about abusive and controlling behaviour in relationships which have also been discussed.

YANBU, although i don't think it should be in terms of 'red flags', which I think often don't make much sense until you've had some experience of relationships. Both boys and girls should be taught what respectful supportive relationships involve, to counteract the distorted messages that come from film and tv. They should also be taught about the facts behind rape myths. There should be good access to services to talk about relationships. It's hard though, I'm sure most teenagers reckon they know more about 'love' than teachers, but I think a little of it might sink in.

I'm not judging people whose children can't tie their own shoelaces - I'm saying that some parents do not teach their children to do it. Or anything else for that matter.

I ruined Twilight for dd by pointing out uncompromisingly how abusive Edward was.

TBH I wouldn't have known what any of the red flags were if I hadn't read the relationships threads on here. I do support the idea of these things being discussed at school; I am not the only parent who had no idea about what the signs were, or how abuse can manifest itself or how to deal with it. Just lucky I guess.

This is interesting. I think that the parents really do have to make an effort in teaching their children about relationship pitfalls, certainly by deed, not being in abusive relationships themselves, but there's some merit I think in children being allowed and encouraged to discuss this in a school setting with their peers.

Yes, but what if you're IN an abusive relationship? It's all very well saying Don't be in one, but that doesn't really help, does it?

It's like solving racism by saying Don't be black.

Well, I regard myself as fairly intelligent and perceptive- but it wasn't until I read some 'Ten Signs of an Abusive relationship' on Yahoo that I had a great DOH!!! moment.

Up until that time I thought that if only I tried a bit more, was more loving, more perfect, more understanding that it would all work out alright and he'd have a complete personality transplant.
My light bulb moment made me relaise it WAS just him, that he would never change and that he'd be like this in any relationship.
And I was a lot lot older than a teenager.

Thanks, Violet and Downby.

I do think PHSE is exactly the right place to discuss abusive relationships, violence, sexism, racism, homophobia - all the stuff that may prevent children living safe and happy lives. Some of them won't be taught this stuff at home, or, as people have said, won't pay much attention to their parents. As it happens I was talking to one of the high-ups in the EU recently and his department want to persuade teenagers to study languages. They reckon you need to influence grandmothers because teenagers don't listen to their parents but do listen to Granny, apparently.

Edam that's good old euro politics for you! Lots of nice ideas but lots of barking ones as well.

I've just taught a series of three lessons on domestic abuse to a class of 13/14 year olds which included a visit from a lady whose daughter had been murdered by an abusive partner. I hope it gave the pupils a bit more insight into problem relationships but some of their pre-existing ideas about gender stereotypes etc. were pretty concerning and not something I think can be overturned after three lessons! Some of the girls could honestly not see the problem if there was a situation where the partner wouldn't let the other get a job or go out without permission. Scary.

Mind you, realhousewife, my dd used to sit up and take note of what my mum said, but completely it when I said exactly the same thing!

Have you been in touch with your local secondary to find out what is taught about relatiosnhips already?

Possibly quite a bit.