To think that kids at secondary school should be taught about relationship red flags?

[toptramp]

Of all things in my life, it was my abusive relationship that almost killed me and my career. I am scarred by it and my career is no way as good as it could have been if I had seen the warning signs and ran for my life.
Moreover I am still single as I have had problems establishing them since said abuse.
I have heard that the goverment are thinking of teaching kids about dating abuse and how to avoid it? I met my abuser at the age of 16 and there was absolutely no guidance from parents or teachers on the warning signs and noone helped me get out of it even when it was obvious that I was becoming ill and damaged by it.

It is all very well having good qualifications as I do but if you meet the wrong partner, your life can get messed up pretty quickly.

Such lessons may also target potential abusers and teach them respect in relationships.

I teach relationship education and have for the last 15 years. We teach respect, bullying, abuse, etc. I have met former pupils, now married with children who remember the lessons and value them now ( but not at the time)

It could be taught in citizenship, PHSE or whatever they call it and what if the child comes from an abusive home. Are they then to carry on the same pattern as mum and dad? How long would it take of a lesson to discuss the red flags? One lesson max. Hardly any time at all.

we dedicate one lesson a week for a full term. its a very important subject and revisit the topic in more depth each year. Not just red flags all aspects of relationships.

I'm pretty sure they are - from the age of 12 they're taught about self respect and assertiveness, forming healthy and positive friendships, etc. This then leads on till 16 - ish when they're learning about relationships. the problem is getting them to listen - teachers are a different species, who most definitely DO NOT UNDERSTAND!

I think schools do try, but unfortunately, people are going to make their own mistakes, regardless of what anyone else says.

I know Im going to get flamed for this, but am i really the only one that feels a bit pissed off with schools having to waste time with my children on basic parenting tasks they already recieve when they could be using this time to actually teach them something, they are there to learn ffs!

I know not all children will be lucky enough to have decent parents, but Im sick of all children being lumped in together. Id rather they concentrated on education in schools full stop. And make parenting courses mandatory for those who show they need it, either through their circumstance or their childrens behaviour.

God i wish i could afford private school :(

So people who went to private school are never in abusive relationships?

Probably the worst people to teach you about relationships are your parents.

Either they have modelled a good relationship, in which case 99% of the work is done, or they are 'fucked up in their turn', in which case it is useful for an outsider to be telling all the kids in your class, "It's not normal to belittle your partner/control all the money/for one person to do all the housework"...etc etc.

Sorry, but on this, the "Parents' Choice" argument doesn't wash. At all.

Like this from realhouse:

"Teaching them how to think is different from teaching them what to think."

Dd has had some excellent PSE lessons over the year, encouraging discussion and thought. It's not that I can't teach her the basics myself, but exploring things with friends of the same age and different adults is going to give a different and deeper perspective. I certainly don't think it has been wasted, and a good discussion is going to help with her English and general understanding, so will feed back into the more academic parts of her learning too.

I did briefly attend a private school and seem to remember that these topics were discussed quite intensely in RE.

I think these things ARE important and should be discussed at school as part of Sex Education or whatever it is called now.

Young teens should be given the confidence not to feel under pressure to have sex at an early age.

I think a frank discussion about boundaries, violence, respect etc, in a mixed sex classroom, would be more effective than a one on one chat from a parent.

Totally agree with squeakytoy -

I think a frank discussion about boundaries, violence, respect etc, in a mixed sex classroom, would be more effective than a one on one chat from a parent.

Another reason that I would support this, is many children now come from families where their parents have split up, and will quite often have witnessed verbal and/or physical abuse. Many kids will not even know what constitutes a healthy and equal relationship, which is why so many repeat the patterns of their parents, because they have never seen or been told that life should not be that way.

An unbiased, and clear discussion, where the girls are told IN FRONT OF the boys, that they dont need to conform to pressure to sleep with them, and where both sexes are told that force and abuse are not acceptable, is something I feel would help a lot of teens have more confidence.

Teens who come from happy stable homes are just as much in need of this advice, because they have been protected and will not have witnessed the bad side of relationships, and can easily naively blunder into a situation where they dont know if it is right or wrong too.

ah yes, instead of investing in parenting and teaching parents - lets parent by proxy through schools - imean, teachers haven't got enough to do by a long shot, what with teaching all the other parenting by proxy things.

i want teachers to teach my children academia that will lead them to gain employment.

a social functioning adult is my reponsability. As a parent i thing govt shoudl invest in us

But YOUR children have a parent who is willing and able to do that Custardo, something that is certainly not the case for all, and these boards prove daily how dysfunctional so many families are. It would not need to be a two year subject with an exam at the end, but it could be very beneficial in giving many kids some knowledge that helps them have a better life.

Learning to conduct a good thoughtful discussion is precisely the sort of skill that is going to help them at uni, Custardo .

The kids most vulnerable to getting into abusive relationships are very often from homes where poor relationships are modelled for them, and they are probably unlikely to be taught healthy lessons there. For this reason, I think that this kind of stuff should definitely be covered in PSHE.

Yes in PSHE it would be useful.

i detest parenting through teachers. if there is a problem with parenting on a mass scale, then address this issue. but there is no willingness to address and invest in THE most fundemental part of a childs life - the parent.

if dominant culture is to change, investment needs to be made to affect change.

Doing this through schools, is easy and quick. How much time effort or money is this going to cost by tacking it to the end of something in phse? or are you suggesting that this is more important than something else? that soething else needs to be dropped? are you suggesting that this should be an ineffective one off? are you suggesting that this should take extra time from maths or english?

it does need to be taught, it needs to be taught to parents,

How can you address a problem with parenting on a mass scale, if not through schools?

You can also offer parenting classes etc, but that would cost a hell of a lot more, and you can't make parents go to them. Besides, it would take a lot more than parenting classes to convince some people that dv is wrong.

As Cory has pointed out, these kind of discussions will be helpful in their academic work, and also in the workplace. Wherever they go, they'll have to negotiate relationships, and PSHE lessons will probably be a lot more useful than the ones on algebraic equations.

I suppose that we do learn important things about human nature and relationships in school anyway, if subjects like English Lit and R.E. are taught well. I don't see the problem with including this kind of thing in PSHE. It should cover it anyway, tbh, rather than just being a junk subject which is an excuse to play the kids DVDs, which is what happens in my daughter's school.

Thanks for the interesting comments. i don't think that it is teh parents' job as many parents will not be aware of relationship red flags. Education isn't just about academia is it? It should be about so much more than that. I am glad to be sending dd to a state school if they are discussing these things nowadays.

Custardo; an abusive relationship can lead to employment and loss of education if you are unfortunate enough to wind up with a financial abuser or someone who feels threatened by your progress in life; as I found out to my constant regret. So my point is what is teh point of good grades if your dd is dating a wanker who feels thereatened by her grades? My ex called me a bitch when I got into uni but I didn't dump him because I didn't trealise this was abuse. I was too emeshed even though I remember feeling upset an dwanting to get away from him. i just didn't feel I could talk to mum and dad. i partial advice would have been fab.

I also felt pressured into sex with him when I really wasn't ready. I would have loved a teacher to say to us; girls it really is ok to say no!

typos agggrrr!

Sex education is taught in schools. The emotional aspects of sex including abuse should definately be discussed alongside this. I don't want dd to know about purely the mechanics of sex personally.