To think that kids at secondary school should be taught about relationship red flags?

[toptramp]

Of all things in my life, it was my abusive relationship that almost killed me and my career. I am scarred by it and my career is no way as good as it could have been if I had seen the warning signs and ran for my life.
Moreover I am still single as I have had problems establishing them since said abuse.
I have heard that the goverment are thinking of teaching kids about dating abuse and how to avoid it? I met my abuser at the age of 16 and there was absolutely no guidance from parents or teachers on the warning signs and noone helped me get out of it even when it was obvious that I was becoming ill and damaged by it.

It is all very well having good qualifications as I do but if you meet the wrong partner, your life can get messed up pretty quickly.

Such lessons may also target potential abusers and teach them respect in relationships.

please don't misunderstand my pov as belittling or disagreeing with the subject matter - but how it should be dealt with.

I also think that sex ed should be taught by parents.

the sexual educational empowerment of my daughter has predominantly come through me, the sex education, her right to say no, and the fact that sex is enjoyable and wonderful and not taboo or wrong...these things have been taught by me. contraception, diseases etc taught by me. These are not things a school can teach effectively i feel. they can teach it clinically, but it is nothing to a good parent child talk. many parents can't do that and it is ridiculous in 2011 that parents don't feel able to utter the word 'sex' without wispering. that they don't talk about relationships and they don't set the tone and standard. this is why investment needs to be made in us. we are fab, we are doing an amazingly hard job with very little dedicated resources.

teachers IMO shoudl teach academia - leave the other to me, TRUST in me as a parent, invest in me as a parent.

I agree with Custardo and Toptramp. Everything you say is right Custardo and is exactly what we do at home but we are a functional, normal family with parents who married for love, are in love (still, yes) and who are deeply christian without being too uptight.

My concern about things shifting to schools is that when I was at school in the 1960/70's schools still reinforced things like getting married before having children. I well remember discussions amongst girls and with teachers about having a boyfriend and making sure he was nice and treated you well and that it was your right to say no - indeed illegal not to until you were 16. A little bit of hanky panky went on, we all knew that, I remember one girl getting pregnant and she disappeared immediately. I also remember a teacher being invited to leave because it was not the school for her because she had told the class she lived with her boyfriend and parents complained about her immoral influence!

Much of the problem, it appears to me is that teachers, the NHS and social workers have been over liberalised and play to a mantra that "anything goes", no-one can be judged and there is no acceptance any more that there will be consequences for bad decisions.

I'm really sorry you have had a bad time toptramp (and change your name, you are better than that and it perpetuates an impression that is wrong and inappropriate) it's time now to draw a line and to move on. In future don't allow yourself to be pressured.

I'm not keen on schools parenting by proxy. I'm less keen on people staying in abusive relationships or even getting involved with abusive people.

I think if self respect is consistently reinforced throughout school then those sort of problems can be avoided. Firm self belief and self respect is the way to prevent people falling into and staying in shitty relationships amongst other things.

I think its a good idea, and it should go hand in hand with sex education, and talking about relationships etc, not just the mechanics of sex and contraception, but having sex within a loving relationship. Waiting until you both are ready, and not bowing to peer pressure, and also DV within relationships, is as part of PHSE or whatever its called now.

Some people on here have said that its the parents responsibility to talk about DV to their child, what about sex education then! We know that parents do not always talk to their children about sex education and that is why they cover it at schools, same goes with relationships including DV which should be covered in PSHE.

i think the question is qhy parents aren't taking the responsability to do these things, we are the most important influencers on a childs life, invest in us and give us the tools to do our jobs properly

Soon schools will be expected to teach children to use a knife and fork to eat with and give lessons in how to wipe your own arse.

Maybe it's time we stemmed the relentless flow of useless parents who cannot or will not parent properly. But that's a whole other thread.

The same could be said for sex ed, why don't parents take responsibility, instead of schools, its because some don't that sex education is taught, same with DV

I would rather talk to my dd when she is older about all of this, and tell her from my perspective and experience. I don't want it taken out of my hands. I will also talk to her about sex, relationships etc when she is older (she is 4.5 years). But unfortunately a lot of parents don't.

I don't see why this cannot be part of the existing PSHE/SRE curriculum.

But it's not going to make that much difference, is it? Peer pressure will trump anything a parent or a proxy parent is saying. And that peer pressure includes music which promotes a denigrating attitude to women, and "stars" who are convicted criminals (even rapists).

I think that you deal with this way before the teen years, and it is a job for parents. It is modelling the standards you want for your children, helping them with skills and comptences and the things which build real self esteem and self confidence. Doing this, as part of family life, over many many years, gives the foundations (and ideally the critical thinking skills) to identify and withstand harmful influences.

That does, I agree, leave the "mind the gap" question of what does society as a whole do for the best with those who are under-parented. I'm not sure anyone has found an answer to this question. The school curriculum may be part of this, but I don't think it is the key part. The school ethos seems more important.

but we cant expect schools to parent all children based ont he fact that some people don't or cant' parent. We should instead invest in parents and teach them to do a good job

Because so many parents do not have the experience, or confidence to be able to give their children neutral, unbiased, and good advice. They have not led by example, and the pattern continues with their children.

If, as a nation, we rely on the parents to teach their children about what constitutes a healthy relationship, and ensure that they understand boundaries etc, then only some children will get that education. Most will not, because their parents are unable or unwilling to explain it to them.

If it was undertaken on the school curriculum, then every child would be aware.

Group debates between teens often have far more effect than a parental chat.

My parents were in a happy stable marriage. My dad was never violent to my mum, and my mum had (thankfully) absolutely no experience of being manipulated, abused, cheated on.. therefore everything was rosy for my mum, and this of course is what she would base her advice on. It certainly didnt help me.

In that case sex education should not be taught at school either, it should be up to the parents themselves.

Some parents set such bad examples for their children that there is no hope.

I'm really surpised by how many people are against this.

I think it's a perfect topic for PSHE, and as part of sex education. (It strikes me as way more important than some of the pointless crap we covered when I was at school)

It's all very well saying "parents should do this" but most parents don't. Most families/friends believe the likable persona of abusers and have no idea what is going on. Most people don't have much idea about red flags until they are involved with someone who has gone way past that point with them, or they have a friend or relative who suddenly lets on what has been going on.

Given that two women a week in Britain are killed by their partners I think it's pretty damn important and vital.

I agree TeW it should be part of sex education that is taught in schools, sex education is not only about, the mechanics of sex and not getting pregnant, contraception, but about emotions and relationships incorporating DV, abuse etc. That is far more useful imo, empowering young people to think for themselves, be assertive and to make the right choices for them.

but if we invested in parents that dominant culture could change. If as a country all parents were given a norm e.g. DV in relationships is not normal and taught about this, then they can change the dominant culture within their home.

you can teach this at school - as per healthy eating - but if the kid witnesses DV at home they are llikley to refer to it as a norm. Just like you can teach kids to eat fruit at school, but if they only get given chips at home, that is their cultural norm.

the point is being missed. people are refering to what is happening now. I am proposing a change for the future.

and this is a good idea but where will this end - and this will take time from something else just as important at school

yanbu
the very least the schools should do is to teach how to find information and help, give telephone numbers and internet adresses of places that could help in various situations.

As one poster said, she has never seen DV in the home, there was no DV in her parents relationship, so people are not automatically aware of it until it happens to them.

toptramp - YANBU. I am very sorry to read that you got into a bad relationship when you were young and that no adults intervened to help. School, not parents, is the best way of giving young people impartial relationship advice.

but if the kid witnesses DV at home they are llikley to refer to it as a norm

Which is exactly why these kids would benefit from learning at school that is isnt the norm.

The person I know who got involved in a DV relationship, didn't have a background of any kind of abuse or DV at home. I have an abuse related backrgound and am not in an abusive relationship (I know damn well what to look for)

I think if anyone had though to say to her when she was 14, 15, 16 - dictating what you wear, or who you see, or how you spend your money isn't just a 'different kind' of loving relationship, it's controlling and a really bad sign, she might have had a much better chance of escaping earlier.

I think it is a big mistake to say people who get involved in abusive relationships come from a similar background, because that has not been my experience, and isn't that often what I read or hear about from other people (although obviously sometimes it is the case)

To the poster who wants to send her child to private school to avoid these lessons: my private school covered this when I was a pupil there 15 years ago. I'm quite surprised that it seems many state schools still aren't covering it.

I think it is a big mistake to say people who get involved in abusive relationships come from a similar background, because that has not been my experience, and isn't that often what I read or hear about from other people (although obviously sometimes it is the case)

I think it does happen, both ways. Some kids will witness it and vow not to let their life be like that, but will not have the benefit of experience to know what a healthy relationship should be like. Others will grow up and when a relationship has problems, will have no idea how to deal with it, and find themselves copying the behaviour of their parent.

By discussing the issues and rights of boundaries in relationships, in a mixed classroom, where question and debate is thrown open to the pupils, where they can ask questions, and get impartial and unbiased advice, it helps those kids in the future.